quotes friday

"Have I already told you my not-very-clean joke about trees?"
-Arminda

"Pills are friends, not food."
-Izzy, quoting Finding Nemo while popping ibuprofen

"Everything in my house is a cactus...oh wait, dang it."
-Tony M., trying to tell a joke

"Nothing's illegal in a friendship."
-Kelsea, and I can't remember why she said it...

"It has a puke-y back end." 
-Nick, on a terrible wine, but kept trying to finish the glass

"Shorts are a sign of weakness."
-Steele

"He was not magnificent."
-Stesha, on a duck at the park

I'm not your hero but that doesn't mean that I wasn't brave

At least after a long week (wait, it's Thursday, I thought it was Friday all day) working too many hours, feeling like a failure, getting no sleep, and yelling at God a lot...He still gives you good gifts to make up for the giant hole you have in your heart.

Even if that gift is just that you are not doing university finals.
Or the medicine of a good hard run.
Or warm text messages.
Or dreaming of being out on a lake and falling asleep in a boat.

Source: flickr.com via Lovely Clusters on Pinterest

I can try and I won't find it where I'm looking

"If I read our story backwards,

it's about how I un-broke

your heart, and then we were

happy until one day, you

forgot about me forever."

The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories

Let's move forward and do new things so that the nights don't feel so long. And let's stop stressing out about things we can't change. And let's pray. 

the next part

He walked out the front door and thought, what to do with all of these cats? Because the cats just kept showing up. But that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that he didn't know what was going to happen on the series finale of his favorite TV show. The real problem was that he hadn't emailed his best friend from high school back, because he was trying to think of a cool way to say that he was working at a Blockbuster that was currently going out of business.
The real problem was thinking of a different dinner that wasn't spaghetti and red sauce out of a jar.

He sat down on the stoop and let the cats slowly slink back out of the bushes because they felt a kindred spirit in him. But the joke was on them, because he cared nothing.
He took a picture of himself on his phone, and looked at it for a minute. After a full three minutes, he deleted the picture and checked his real mail in his real mailbox and found nothing good.

Some days he spent whole hours of his free time in this fashion. Just looking down the street. Just standing with a hose in his hand, mildly watering the lawn when he could just buy a sprinkler instead.

He liked to think he was interrupting someone else's life when they'd jog by, or walk their dog by his house, or a kid would ride a bike past him, and he'd try to get ideas, on what to do with all the free time. The ideas would always sound the same.
"Sandwich," the ideas would say. "Sandwich," he would mumble, and think about what ingredients were in the crisper. In the refrigerator.
"Pepsi," would be the next idea, if he kept thinking pretty hard.
And then after, "Potato chips," the next idea would inevitably be the title of a video game, which I don't know the name of, because I'm actually a girl, telling you this story. Sorry.

But the ideas would just drift off after that, to someone else's head. And he would think about picking up the phone and making a phone call, but it was just easier to let it slip by until a different day. Because, there will be lots of days, and lots of phone calls. Even doctor's appointments, he could iron out. That would be a real accomplishment if he made a doctor appointment sometime this month. But the best part would be, when the months would just keep going by, and then eventually one month, something would happen to him.

And it would be a big something. It would be a really nice thing to happen to a guy like him.

for today, and tomorrow

the phone number is only three glasses of whiskey away from being used.
stay strong. love lots and bury the love that you loved lots.
Put the love into something else.
The anger into running. The need into pain. Praying for pain.

Taking five deep breaths all day long until you are sleeping again, and sleep pain away into sunshine. Then will come iced tea and the blessed forgetting. You could turn it all off.
Pray for forgetting. But only to just forget enough and then to start loving again. To love sunshine and whiskey and hope and new people. To remember just enough about why you loved the old people. And then to keep going, until you get to be with Jesus.

love and hurt, forgive, and then love again.

The district sleeps alone tonight

Drink coffee. Run miles. Count to five. Praise God and Walk with Him. Repeat again tomorrow.

free will

There is this setting on the game The Sims (or at least there was on an older version that I used to play) where you can turn off the Sims' free will, and they have to wait for you to give them direction.

I've been thinking about that  a lot this week, because I've been getting really tired, and sometimes I just

stand in one place, and wait for direction.

The Sims really won't protest unless they start having to go to the bathroom, or are really hungry. But I usually just stand there for a minute, trying to remember what I was doing, and then just think about absolutely nothing.

I'm always running these experiments on what times of day work best for sleep and for awake, and I turn into a robot, a little bit.
But I had a great weekend, laughing and dancing and going to the art show and church and frisbee.

You can really do new things everyday, if you want. Why would you tie yourself down with such a tight rope?

Source: appleday.tumblr.com via Kathy on Pinterest

Sometimes when I am talking to my dad on the phone, I hear a young man, who sounds like one of my brothers. He sounds so young, I forget we are related for a minute, and I think we are friends, and that it is still the 80's and we're just chatting about whether or not my car is going to blow up when I drive it down the street.

We turned out kind of different, but we turned out kind of the same. I'm so blessed with the life God picked for me, and with the family I have.

I found a jar of peanut butter in the plates and bowls cupboard, so I also know I'm not the only one going crazy around here.

Quotes Thursday

Text I received from Megan:
"You can write down this quote from me..."Dogs are just amazing people!" "

Inception quote?

"Every time I get Champagne for Christmas, I get pregnant."
-Alyssa G

wherever you are

Well, wow. I really haven't been updating lately. 13 days just comes and goes. Quickly, thank goodness, because that means the paychecks do too.

I sort of feel like I've been drowning this week, but I guess you have to have the salty to taste the sweet.
Finally got to Friday night without letting handsome strangers talk me into speed-skating dates, or leaving town or any of that.
Had a wonderful seven hour Italian dinner with some best friends that just get better the older we get. I like that.
I guess, even though I am stressed out every time I see a new wrinkle under my eyes (must cut back on Wes Anderson makeup) I am at least glad that we're all growing older together, while we get to. I know my parents said goodbye to a lot of really great friends due to church-planting, but I hope we have a little while before any of that which leads me to...

I said no to the store opening in Wyoming. Or at least told my boss I didn't want to interview for it anymore. My heart was just not excited about it anymore, and I'd rather pour my time into people here, and go to barbecues and frisbee games than live in a resort town for six weeks with a fake-ish smile on my face. She also offered me a position as shift manager which I turned down as well, because I don't want to feel more loyalty to my retail job than I really need to. My heart is too full of love and I'll end up being here for 10 years making zero money, and still living in my parents basement.
Grow up already! you may be saying.
I'm trying! is my response.
"That's what you get for having such a good attitude at work, I guess," is what my boss says.

And some days are so lonely that you think you're going to start coughing up blood because your heart is hemorrhaging or whatever. Gross. You look around at all your friends that you love, and you know that they're there for you, but you just don't even know what to say. You start a text message, and then delete it. It's something your Creator only knows how to deal with, and love you through it.  It hurts, but there is Grace. And because of grace, there is also whiskey, which is a great medicine for chest pain.

There is new life in tomorrow.

"He has his dad's smile and his mom's angry eyes."
-Stesha

what you meant by that

I bit down a little too hard on the chicken wing and then that thing of my tooth is going to hurt for 5 minutes and serve as a general warning of you could have chipped your tooth, and you might, next time, so be more careful was happening to me, and the kid was staring at me, and I was staring at him back, but not really thinking about anything, and I was wondering if he was doing the same, but the hard part about kids is that they are letting on that they know less than they really do. Their brains are working better than you think, but they just have sillier ways of communicating that they haven’t ironed out yet.

What I thought was, people make you nervous, but they are just people. And some of the people are good at taking pictures that look like they’re from Hollywood, or that they are snobby, when really they just live in an apartment downtown, and they get lonely and spend the night cutting up their junk mail too, sometimes. But I wished I could see it for myself. I wish I could see that girl with the beautiful hair, what she looks like when she’s in sweats, and when she has some bad acne, and has been putting off her dishes for a while. I wish I could be there so that I could secretly feel better than her, and quit thinking her pictures were so Hollywood, because I knew her real story and had looked through her garbage when I used her toilet, and why did she let me in her house! (ha ha, what a fool) but then you also have to realize that you both have a common denominator such as having to do laundry, and having to get in your car when it is freezing in the morning.

You think that the kid is seeing this in you, and you start to have a question for the kid, but then let it die on your lips. You think that he can see that you are a bore, and that you are super fake but you want to just get out of there, like maybe apply another coat of lip gloss in the bathroom or maybe you will just stare at this TV or that TV and pretend you know what is going on in that specific sport that is appearing there, and wish someone would say something to you about NPR or coffee or working out or something that you know how to talk about, and you realize that you are a real person. Nobody knows it. Nobody knows how you dance in your kitchen. Nobody knows that you talk to your dog like it can really hear you. If they knew, they’d stop moving so far away from you. They’d start inviting you to their parties. They’d get their picture taken with you and they’d even like it. They’d stop breaking up with you. They’d realize old stuff and new stuff. You’d be at the same place, at the same time, looking into each other’s eyes, and it would be like the perfect vow to be together all the time, and they’d really mean it like you mean it.

For good. Because life isn’t really that long.

building

The lent thing has been going okay. I've been observing Feast Sunday since last Sunday, because we were going out with some of the guys from a store in my same parking lot, and they had a lot of home brew that we needed to help them drink, and it just seemed like a wise decision, because of finishing strong instead of giving up and whatever.

Ken quit, 9 days ago. I found out from one of the other guys at my gym, and it was a little bit heartbreaking, for reasons not just about getting free personal training, but just having my gym owner be a Christian, and to see him everyday at Starby's...it is just really sad. I don't know what he's going to do now.

But I've been climbing more, which is great. I go with this girl I met at Starbucks, and I'm trying to work up the courage to invite her to church, even though it seems like she and her husband are kind of anti.  

 Training at work, to become a trainer for new hires. One of the things that I've been talking about that was up around the bend is this: my manager recommended me for this new store opening in another state, and so I'm training for it and going to interview with my DM sometime soon. I would be gone for 4 to 6 weeks, but it would be an adventure, and help me pay off some bills, and give me some time alone with God, and it would be a whole new batch of coworkers to Simply Sow with. I'm already feeling homesick about it, but hopefully I would get a few days off in a row, here and there, to drive back to Utah. It's way less time away than joining the army!

Anyway. So that's what's up. I think I'm doing pretty well. I gave blood on Monday and my resting heart rate was 60, and my blood pressure was 100/72. I felt so proud and healthy when the girl told me, and when it comes down to it, being done with college is such a stress-free life. I feel so mentally healthy, but want to go looking for obstacles some days. Maybe after this summer, I'll even start looking for a grown up job.

quotes, actually

"Oh sorry, can I change the subject or did you want to keep talking about diarrhea?"
-Ashley J.

Bryan: Hey babe, can you put this iPad in your purse so we don't have to leave it in the car during the movie?
Celisse: It's only an iPad 1.

"I'm so glad our band smells like girls again."
-Billy

St. Valentine's Day, and high standards

Source: etsy.com via Jane on Pinterest

Handsome Cappuccino Jon came to stand and wait for me to finish his drink and so I asked him if he was doing anything great for Valentine's day with his wife, because I just pictured him in a tuxedo, for some reason, sitting down in a fancy restaurant downtown across the table from a thin (possibly Brazilian? hopefully not blonde) woman and them just so happy to be married to each other that they couldn't even choke down some steak and red wine.
Jon: No, we're just hanging out.
Me: Oh. That's cool. How long have you been married?
Jon: (counting on his fingers) Four years.
Me: Dude, that is awesome, congratulations on staying married so long in Utah!
Jon: Yeah. Sometimes it gets boring. But boring is good too, I guess. See ya.
Me: Um, okay.

It was kind of a relief to have the celebrity fantasy of his gorgeous life just shatter in my head, but I just wanted to invite him to our church, and introduce him to all of my married friends who are still having fun together after 4 or more years, and that God can do awesome things to your heart.

I wish I wasn't so terrified. I don't know how to just get brave. And sometimes I do get brave, and start sharing my convictions, and then I seriously mess it up big time, because I'm human. I don't want to lose friends.

But WHY?
I have real, awesome friends at church. I should care less about the friendship of my coworkers and the customers in my mission field, and care more about their eternity. It's a struggle for me right now, and something I'm working on. Loving, and loving enough to share.

So anyway. Happy Valentine's day. You and I are loved by a gracious, and forgiving God who is just waiting to spend time with you and with me.

Ash Wednesday

At the beginning of this year, I decided I wanted 2013 to be a year of adventure, but also of increased self-discipline. I've spent a lot of years justifying doing whatever I want (lots of Treat Yo Self Thursdays and Fridays... and Saturdays...) and I just want to grow in the area fasting and self-control.

I listened to the Swerver message yesterday while I was running, and I got angry and bitter all over again, but then I got encouraged. And convicted.
My biggest conviction was that I need to be getting rid of bad habits, and replacing them with godly habits. 
Even if I never get married, or whatever. I don't want to be a slave to my guilty pleasures.

Anyway. When I was falling asleep one night, a month ago, I was thinking about how Megan was doing these different month-long challenges of basically fasting from different pleasures, and I thought I could at least do some form of that for Lent.


-10 days of no coffee
-10 days of no alcohol
-10 days of no eating out
-10 days of no soda/treats/bread

So you can see they get progressively harder. Ha.
 And I realize it is kind of a Catholic tradition and a lot of Protestants may find it legalistic, but I challenge you to read the description of Ash Wednesday and see if you don't think it's based on Biblical ideas, and how can it be a bad idea to pray every time I wish I was drinking a cup of coffee or eating a cream cheese danish? Plus, if you really want, you can take breaks on Sundays.

So that's what I'm thinking about today. Asking God to help me cast away my idols, because there are so many that creep up.
Praying for bravery.
Praying for strong marriages at my church.
Praying for this clean(ish) air to keep being a thing we can breathe in Utah.

There is hope in the air.

hi, hey, what are you doing?

Well it turned February, so 60 degree days are right around the corner. There was seriously a day last week that I was mad that it was too warm to keep my groceries in the car for a couple hours. But in general I'm kind of looking forward to spring this years. Maybe not July and August, but definitely the first part of W A R M.

The past week, I have been entering my calories in MyFitnessPal app and I think it is actually making me skinnier and making me work out more, (it only allows me 1500 calories, unfortunately) and I am always starving, as a result. But I think I lost 1 or 2 pounds this week.

Slowly paying off my Europe trip, and growing my savings for more trips, and for LASIK which I'm obsessed about. I'm encouraged, but still asking God if I should just stay at Starbucks or try to find a better paying job. Sometimes it is hard for me to know where the line is between living a simple, unflashy life at home with my family and with a 1998 car that's falling apart, or taking a step to becoming more financially "stable" and adult, but have less energy to give to my friends and ministries because I'm working a more stressful job.

 Still praying, never ceasing.

I'm encouraged. I'm pretty healthy. I'm cherishing the last couple weeks of sleeping with my electric blanket.

let's start over

Source: ascphoto.tumblr.com via From London With Love on Pinterest

Let's be kinder this time, from the beginning.

Let's know we're in love and say it out loud.

You can shake my dad's hand and make eye contact with him.

I can show up in myself when you kiss me. And I can kiss you back.

You can say nice things to me, and I won't drink at parties so that I won't embarrass you.

We can give up 7 years of selfishness and genuinely smile because we like it.

Let's pretend that none of the in-between happened if our friends bring it up.

Let's hold hands and pray.

Let's get dressed up and go dancing.

Or else, if you want...

we can just keep living in empty rooms and talking to imaginary versions of each other. For years and years.

Maybe I just thought I was in love because of the song that came on the radio when you walked into the room for the very first time.

It can be tricky like that. 

And we can keep going, because there's not much choice. 

we can be best friends

Thursday night I found myself awkwardly getting a pedicure across the room from two girls I was supposed to become friends with and be all bridesmaidy with and they talked quietly to each other, but my feet look awesome.

We went out to dinner at a nicer restaurant, and all I could think the whole time was that I wished Celisse was sitting there and we could talk about the food together, but finally after another awkward hour with my cousin (who was getting married) and the two other bridesmaids, our fourth showed up, and her name was Caitlan, and we got along immediately over a Brandi Carlile song on the radio, and I partied with her for the rest of the weekend.

I don't remember being the kind of person who becomes friends with people so quickly, but I think God is really gracious when you are in a weird spot, and she was a ray of sunshine for me. And I might actually see her again someday because she lives in Boise. Anyway.

The wedding was great. A tiny bit short on hip hop, but nothing short on fancy or food or whiskey sours (which I had never had until Caitlan let me try hers) so it was worth having a flight delay on each of our four flights, and getting lost on dark country roads with no iPhone for GPS several of the nights.

out into the woods

I am procrastinating-blogging (which might be the only reason there are any posts at all during my college days,) and I am drinking a Blood Orange San Pellegrino because I am addicted to them, even though I should be drinking hot tea with honey and lemon because my head is a snot machine.

I'm taking off for five days in Illinois tomorrow, for my cousin's wedding.
I'm stoked about the cold, clean air.
Excited to see my family. I haven't been back to the Midwest since last May, so it's overdue.

I know I sound really boring right now, (I have foggy-sick-head) but there are a lot of really cool things up around the corner that I just can't really talk about because I'm still praying about them, and nothing is set in stone.
But my heart is happy.

Even though this might not be the year I find love, or get my pilot's license, or become a doctor, I'm still encouraged and I might
a) get lost in a forest
b) jump off a mountain
c) and dance more because I have iPod speakers now.

Source: toelle.tumblr.com via amanda on Pinterest

Source: fab.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I'm just trying to make an adventure out of everyday.

post haze

If the last 13 days of heavy smog and coughing and restlessness and sad January blues were just leading up to this day.....it might have been worth it.

I made myself go to bed at 7:30 last night and got at least 6 hours of reparation sleep, before opening with my darling Elaine (whose problems, sadly, get worse as the months unfold themselves) and my heart started to hope, as I could almost make out the mountains in the 4:27am glow of the valley.

By 8 o clock, I could see everything out of the windows, and it was like that feeling of making a last payment on a huge loan. That feeling of breath after someone you thought was your friend, holding you under water for 13 days.
 That feeling of someone asking you to marry them, and you said yes, and you liked it.

That is how I've felt all day long. It's better than getting 100 happy birthday texts and a surprise love note, and fireworks, and Nothing Bundt Cake.

After I got off of work, I decided not to waste any time on my usual post-open nap (even though I love sleep more than almost everything) because my boss told me I was being considered for an exciting Starbucks adventure, and then I ran 8 miles at the gym, on the high that was left over from my morning.

After that, I just sat in my hot tub and ate an ice-cream sandwich, and for once, just soaked it all in. I don't know what to do about all the people in South America who have less than me, and have worse days than me. I still don't know. But today, I forgot all of the things I've been regretting, and just cherished every happiness and every love song, and every mile that my strong legs carried me.

But here I am, and God gave me one more day to live, and

God, thank you for that.

tunnels

Source: ideefixe.posterous.com via Jamie on Pinterest

Last night, I laid in bed and admitted a lot of things to God as I was falling asleep.
About how the smog is depressing me.
How I feel a little lonely and a little bit suffocated by January (again, mostly due to smog).
And I also prayed for a house sitting job just to help me catch back up on bills.
I admitted some deeper secrets that for some reason I thought I could just hide from Him? And why do I bother to do that?

He is such a good God.

He placed a few rays of sunshine in my morning via some favorite customers and then when I was getting off work, I got a house sitting job as I was walking out the door.

I am crazy blessed. I need to surrender more to Him, so He can fill me up with Him. Because it is me, that is making me blue. It is my selfishness that is crushing me.

God, help me to shine for You through the smog.
I love you, Lord.

some blessings come with the light.

When it is light, it is easier to go to the gym. It is easier to go to the grocery store. It is easier to pretend you are a normal person. You might fool people into thinking your contacts are your real eyes and that you are 20/20. That you are the real deal.

Then some blessings come with the dark. Once the sun goes down, you can pretend that the 10 day forecast does not equal emphysema. You can not see the pollution and when you breathe deep you can almost think you do not feel the smog changing your lungs.

You wake up quick. You serve people happily. You think to yourself that you were manufactured by a happy merging of Disney and Starbucks and NPR.

When it comes down to it, you are a not a dog, barking in his sleep. You are a real human, with a real purpose.

Our bruises are coming, but we will never fold

I woke up bright and perky at 5am from not-partying last night, and my first customer this morning was a sweet regular, who always has a smile for me and while he was stirring cream into his coffee he said, "Rachel do you have any resolutions this year?"
And I smiled and said, "Oh I don't know, I'm on a diet, I guess."
I reciprocated the question, and he said, "Well, you probably won't get it out of me. It's a little bit emotional." He went through a really sad divorce this last year, and I didn't even want to start to ask, so I just said, "I suppose we all have a secret resolution that we don't want to tell anyone about." And he smiled and wandered out of our store, into the cold dark morning, but with coffee in his hands.


And at least sometimes, if you have to start all over from the beginning, you should be doing it with a strong cup of coffee. ((Or whiskey)) Whichever the time of the day calls for.

 

Source: hulaseventy.blogspot.com via Sarah on Pinterest

This year, I suppose what I really want is to finish paying off my Europe vacation, and save more money for more trips.  
I want to run hundreds  more  miles.
 I want to jump into mountain lakes. 
Want to go to dance clubs.  
Want to run through the fields of my grandfather's farm.  
Want to drink margaritas on warm summer nights and not think about opening at Starbucks the next day.
 I will enjoy all the wonderful winter days of hot coffee and electric blankets.  
Want to get inspired to really write again.

I feel that I am starting this year so healthy.

Last summer was pretty rough to figure out what I was doing.
I would say, up to September, I was starting to get pretty depressed, and considering joining the army (and other brash life changes...) because of being done with college and basically being done, therefore, with my childhood and adolescence. This is the dawn of adulthood and I am really bad at it.
I am good at living in my parents' basement.
I am good at following the rules and the speed limit, and not going out on dates with good looking guys. I can do all of that really well.

So I don't know if God wants to change any of that in the near future, but I am enjoying a season of rest, and good mental health.
Not drinking as much.
Running and building muscles and mailing letters.

So here is to 2013.....may the days be merry and bright.

I.give.it.you.all (yes, I will)

But you came from nothing.

You found yourself creeping from dust, grateful for a Creator who breathed life into you and gave you a brain that would rebel against Him.

You said sorry.
Sorry that you can't break down more, for Him.
Sorry that you flirt with the idea of other lovers.
Sorry that you don't fall down hard enough and that you can't deserve Him.
But He won't hear of it.

He looks past the failures, and the adulteries, and the idolatries, because of this one time that you bent your knee to him.
And for some reason, you wake up in a warm house in the United States of AMERICA, despite His other lovers in Africa and South America and such, but you are still so whiny? you still think it is hard to go to live alone in your shell? you think you deserve more than 3 or 4 huge meals a day and a limitless credit card?


And yet, there is unending forgiveness.

happy, reprise

Yesterday, one of my regular customers (one who I have barely talked to that much) announced out of nowhere that he had a Christmas present in his car for me, and then walked away.

I got uncomfortable as all of the other girls gave me a weird stare, and then he suddenly appeared again and handed me a framed picture, and said, "From one Midwesterner to another. It's a little piece of home." And it was a black and white picture of a lonely barn out in the middle of nowhere, Illinois.
I started crying.
I didn't know what to do. I haven't been back since May, and I know I'm going back in January, but it is just the time of year, and the fact that in all of my fuzzy-headed foolishness and mayhem, it was a reminder of the solid rock I have to stand on in the Midwest, and the solid rock I have in Jesus, who sees my loneliness and wants to take care of me.
"I'm going to hang it up in my room," I told him, not knowing what else to do, and if I was supposed to hug him or what. But now the photograph is sitting on my desk and I can't stop staring at it when I come in and out of the room, and it's become its own person, living there, haunting me when I wake and when I brush my teeth and it says to me, "Have you made all the right decisions? Are you really supposed to stay in Salt Lake?" But what I mumble back to the photograph is that it doesn't know what it is talking about and to stop trying to break my heart.

And then we all went to a women's basketball game, and Wesley threw up real vomit on us, which was disgusting but we still got smothered burritos anyway, after we'd cleaned up and changed.

And this is my life. 
Getting thrown up on.
Working out with Emily and Philip and Krista, and Ken asking me if my parents are Calvinist.
Sleeping long naps in the afternoon and killing my plants slowly by forgetting to open up the blinds.


But after today, there will be a little more sunlight in each day, because God is kind enough to give us seasons so we don't think we're living the same days over and over again.

I'll be right here, lying in the hands of God

Me: I'm going to be this soldier, because he has a mustache.
3-year-old Elias: My dad has a mustache.
Me: No, I don't think he does. I've never seen him with a mustache?
Elias: Well he does. He hides it behind his hair.
Me: Oh.....okay.
Elias: God has a mustache too.
Me: Really? How do you know?
Elias: When you get to Heaven, you will know too.


When I am strong, I am very strong, and I wish I could bottle up the strength and save it for my weak moments and take a sip and feel strong again. 
Sometimes I go to God so grateful, and sometimes I come to Him in a panic and tell him I doubt all the goodness He seems to think he has for me.

My poor, beautiful Elaine, who has so much more hurt in her life right now than I know what to do with, she sat on the floor at 4:45am this morning while I brewed 6 pitchers of tea and said, "Do you ever wish that God would just tell you whether you are wasting your time or whether to make a move?"
"Yes," I said.
"Like, I just wish I knew when it was time to give up, and move down a different road."
"Exactly," I said.

I can't wait for that day that God tells me what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'll just keep asking Him everyday and make thousands of cups of coffee in the meantime.

Elias: Why are you laughing at me?
Me: Because I think you are really funny.
Elias: No. I'm not funny.
Me: Why wouldn't you want to be funny? Everyone wants to be funny!
Elias: I want to be a serious boy.

Let's start over.

Personally, I really don't know what's going on.
That's why I haven't been writing anything.

My heart isn't saying anything, and my head is just saying "I love Jesus, I love America, I love Starbucks."
And maybe the last two things are foolish to admit somedays, but there is grace for that. Also, I may be brainwashed from getting up at 3:45am to brew coffee for crazy men.

 So here are some quotes.

"It's weird but, when I lean over like this, I can feel it squishing my baby. (long pause....) So maybe I shouldn't be doing that anymore."
-pregnant Elaine

"Dalmatians always die of cancer. I guarantee every single one of the 101 dalmatians died of cancer."
-Philip

"Run hard good and faithful servant! Just kidding. Go burn some calories."
-Ken

conjugation

"I've been trying to do it right.

I've been living a lonely life.

I've been sleeping here instead,

I've been sleeping in my bed."

-The Lumineers

she resists 

she resisted 

she is resisting 

she will resist

It is a daily fight. A daily thorn.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:23

recovery

Today was Be-Blessed-Thursday.

Yesterday seemed pretty overwhelming (at least to everyone else on the internet? and at my small group? I think the person who won the most depressing day ended up being Tim, whose coworker got hit by a car and died yesterday morning in front of students from the school he was jogging to, to work). Celisse and I went and got crappy pho after small group at the only restaurant that was still open at 9:30 and then stood in the kitchen and listened to the guys talk about creation theology, and I wanted to say words but I just kept losing them while I stared into space.
I eventually drove home after midnight and sat in my driveway and cried for Tim's colleague. I cried because he didn't know he was going to die when he woke up yesterday morning. I cried because I know I am not doing enough with all the short time I've been given. I wept for Emily, and Elaine, and replayed my earlier conversation with Emily during our lunch together, and how she keeps looking for fulfillment in one empty avenue or another.

I don't have all the answers. But I do know that going to bed alleviates a lot of the pressure that we accumulate via coffee and dwelling on evil and making right and wrong decisions all day.

Today there was rest.

Surely goodness will follow me.

tiny adventures

Source: little-people.blogspot.de via Betty on Pinterest

That's what I do all day long.

 I have many little mishaps at work while drinking very small cups of espresso that make my tiny blood vessels pump miniature red blood cells in fast-forward. I change each customer's life in a momentary way that wears off after an hour, but they keep coming back for me anyway.

I have a tiny adventure of a nap in my soft bed with my beautiful comforter, and a tiny spritz of lavender in the air makes it a tiny, dreamy moment.
 
I have a tiny adventure to the gym, and you don't know what will happen. I have a tiny adventure in the rec room with Krista where we literally almost pump iron, but all the weights are made of plastic now.

I make myself a tiny glass of wine and cut not-so-expensive cheese into tiny cubes and pretend I am in Beaune.

But I am writing one page stories in my head all day, where I am the heroine, and if I was illustrated out, I might even be a tinier little girl.

And I just try to take a step back and sigh because I am so happy about it sometimes.

high tide

Ken, Doll you got my life in order.

Well. Sort of.

I think all the running around and building cool muscles, got me feeling pretty right with the world. I am really getting my act together. Writing things down. Mailing overdue letters. Framing prints that have been laying secretly between pieces of cardboard and waiting to be loved on the wall.

Show up to band practice. Check.
Invite coworker to church. Check.
Donate to charity. Check.
Write down Bible verses. Check.
Make your bed and open the shutters so your plants get light while you are at work. Check and check.

It is not that hard to be content, I guess.
And this may be a swelling of the tide. This might be the high tide, and a later season will leave the shore exposed and my bones exposed on a hot, dry beach next to a sandstone cliff.
So I hope I have strong faith then, and that I use this time to reinforce my foundation.

And may it be at least eight years before I ever take a child through the doors of Ikea, Lord.
And may I never go to sleep next to a man who wants to talk about football statistics or politics, Lord.
And if it is your will, Lord, let my legs keep running and climbing and jumping as long as I live, Lord.
I love You.
To God be the glory alone, for a personal trainer who likes to get paid in coffee. For a clean car, and for dates with best friends, and for a place of worship where we are still not condemned by our government, yet.
Amen.

run run run

I was dumping coffee from a ladle into the grinder this afternoon, standing next to Emily and Elaine and watching Philip make drinks on the other side of the room, when I was struck by a horrifying thought.

What if it gets to be February and I still don't really want to apply for other "real" jobs?

But I shut it down, because we will take care of that when the time comes, and I love to feel in love with the people I spend so much time with and pray for, and get paid to laugh with, for so many sleep-deprived hours a week.

In other news,
as usual, I am perfecting my bathing suit bod in the depth of gingerbread cookies and snowfall and "holiday" party time.  Why couldn't I have looked this great in a tank-top during summer?

I made a goal for myself to not buy any more fall/winter clothes until I had run 50 miles, and I am at 48 miles as of tonight, and will finish the 50 tomorrow morning. This, along with our PT sessions with Ken, and just not really eating crap all day will hopefully help me fit in my next bridesmaid dress that should hopefully come soon so I can find out if I need to surgically remove a few ribs before Jackie's wedding in January.

Also, adding a VIA pack to your protein shake is the bomb for those who have only been sleeping 5 hours a night and working a hundred shifts a week.

50 miles in 35 days. Now again, faster.

slow down

"They say I'm the world's poorest president. Let me tell you that I'm not poor! Poor are those who need too much..."

"I discovered the keys to this in the jail cells, when I couldn't read. If I hadn't spent those years there, I wouldn't be who I am, because one learns more from pain than from bounty," he said. "That's why, the night when I had a mattress, I felt happy. How is it possible, therefore, that we spend our lives poisoned with desperation to buy a new car every two years? If I could, I would live much more simply."

- Uruguayan President Jose Mujica (excerpt taken from this recent NPR article, but it was cooler hearing it in his voice on the radio)

It gave me such hope, that a 77 year old man who is president of a country, drives a really, really old Volkswagen Beetle, and washes his own dishes. 

I am so richly blessed.
I don't know why God picked me to have a full belly, and strong, working legs, and a car to drive and a house and family to live with, but I am thankful every day.

something good this way comes

Source: Uploaded by user via Frances on Pinterest

I am having a really happy season right now.
It's called "I don't work at a bank, and I don't have 10 page papers to worry about and it's going to be Christmas time so soon, and let's eat turkey and be thankful for everything we've got" season.

When I graduated in May, I think my heart started to warm up and I thought God would magically produce a perfect boyfriend for me who wore some kind of uniform and would like to go running with me, and he would be a good leader, and push me to greatness, and he would be goofy and make me laugh like a cartoon.

And then when it didn't happen, I was like, what the hell, God? Help a brotha out. I'm ready to get crackin' on a family and homeschool some little kids and grow a garden.

But after a long, hard summer I think I am back to a place of medium. Like for 2 years, marriage grossed me out, and then for six months, marriage was all I wanted, and now I want marriage in a medium way that is really easy to wait for, and to barely care if it really happens or not, because I will find things to do with the days that my maker gives me.

I am having a 10 out of 10 week. My gym owner is one of my regulars at Sbux, and he has been giving me, Emily, and Krista free personal training, which has drastically raised my serotonin or whatever. It is a good replacement for my Crossfit life. And now it is snowing and gorgeous outside, and I'm starting to get almost a full night's sleep most nights, and I love my unimportant little retail job.

Everything seems manageable again, and it is such a blessing from God. 
I will enjoy this season of rest while it lasts.

Source: domesticexecutiveonline.com via Mary Nell on Pinterest

on repeat

Maybe it's the election, or getting my cavities filled (and old ones replaced...am I age 50?) that is really reminding me that I am not experiencing everything for the first time anymore. I am watching LOST and getting to the last episode (again) and finding myself calculating that if I watch one episode a week starting January 1st, I won't have to watch Sun and Jin die again until late 2014.

Maybe it was Radio West. This guy was telling Doug Fabrizio today about these moments while he was out hunting that surpassed those moments that only get to happen once in your life, better than putting a ring on someone else's finger in your own  wedding ceremony, or graduating college, or any of those moments that you already know what the picture will look like. He was talking about those moments that you don't expect, and you are wide awake for the whole thing, and think, "This is really happening, and it will never happen again," and he was talking about caribou. But I was thinking about my own moments that I get to have, like that.

Whether it is sitting across from Celisse in her car, and hearing her admit a secret that she really didn't have to tell me.
Whether it was that night, two weeks ago, that I was driving home from a closing shift and all my friends were doing something way cooler, but I slowed down my Jetta and watched people launch chinese lanterns across the park, and across the sky.
Whether it is meeting the love of your life, and having your breath catch in your lungs as you realized that he really understood you--like only in the way that a family member or your very personal God knows your soul--only to watch him slip away after 7-Eleven dates into the blue abyss of hipster/atheistic/rockstar territory.
Or watching your father cry, and finding out that he really loves you crazy.

What I have to look forward to are those moments. For the next 40 years, or whatever.
So I've got that.
There's that.

waiting

The summer I lived with Judy, I would wake up every morning before the paper delivery guy would drive by the house and before the newspaper would land (THUNK) on the porch. Somewhere, a baby would stir in its crib, but not wake up, and the mother would stir in her bed, and say a thankful prayer that she did not have to get up this time, and she would wonder why anyone still got the newspaper delivered when there was the internet now, before falling asleep to a dream about an old coworker she used to rely on to make her feel like she had real friends..

I would wake at 3:45 or 4am, and wait patiently for him. The absence of him would leave a quiet white noise waiting in the air. It would kill me, sometimes, to wait for him. And then his car would drive obediently towards our house, I would hear the beloved thunk of the newspaper on our porch. I would pull myself up in the bed and look out the window to make sure he got back in his car and that he wasn't crawling up the side of the house to my window. I would lie there, awake for another minute, consider what my murder might actually be like. I'd get up to go pee and then sleep a few more hours, before I would bring Judy her ice packs, and start the coffee maker and bring said newspaper to her spot on the couch where we would eat breakfast and plan our leisure time. (All of our time was leisure time). And in those days, I lived happily ever after, whether or not my murder was just around the corner.

I think of how easy it would be to make a phone call, and be back there for good.

But I think that life is supposed to be harder than that.
And I think that even my life here is much, MUCH easier than life for practically everyone else in the world. I wish I could take some of the suffering of my brethren onto my shoulders to relieve them, and to feel like I was doing something.
But God mapped this all out, and He knows, and I don't, and I just have to be patient, in the silence before the newspaper shows up. To be thankful, for now, that I am not the one delivering the newspapers at 4am, under an angry full moon.

meet me in Montauk

Source: Uploaded by user via Today is that rainy day. on Pinterest

Me: How are you?
J: I am twelve days sober.
Me: That is awesome!
J: Yeah, I am only smoking pot now.

It would be very easy to become a psychopath. I am on a steady plan to become one, and it has involved not sleeping all week, and then trying to work while still in a dream state, and with a lack of red meat in my diet.  Add Eternal Sunshine to all of this, shake with espresso and eggnog, and add Halloween makeup and not taking a night off from anything, and there you go.


"I found your life's most perfect butter sauce."
- Chef Celisse

cheers for the fearless

Source: celia-perrin-sidarous.com via Rachel on Pinterest

love at first snow. sunrise. sunset.

All the things keep happening and I can't make myself write them all out. (well I've been journaling in a real, physical journal, so there's also that) But.

I got back together with my band. Got back together with my bass. It feels electrical. And now Ashleigh is playing cello, which is bomb.
I'm stoked on this Experience the Worship thing that we're doing, and excited and encouraged about music and Jesus in general.

I just keep showing up to work.
And people can be kind of condescending that I have a degree and love to work at Starbucks. But too bad. I just love it, still.

I keep running.
I had a 21 mile a week goal, and I haven't met it since I came back from the Land of Pastries and Gnocchi, but this week I ran my fastest mile ever? It felt fantastic?

And you just keep going. 
The daytime feels great and full of life and breathing and color,
the night time feels like ripping out your own hair and slicing off your own skin and breathing becomes not a thing that you can do.
But you just keep going, and God is good either way. Because if you have something good and holy and pure....you are going to have to slay the dragons that show up to try and take it from you.

Friday quotes

"I can tell you really need to pee, you're like 3 inches taller."
-Bryan


Me: I don't want to have a wedding.
Dad: Okay, you don't have to.  You can just stay here and watch the dogs.
Me: No,  I mean I want to get married, I just don't want to have a wedding.


Me: Oh my gosh. One day Wesley is going to be thirteen and have a man's voice.
Celisse: Yeah, he'll be like, "Come on Mom, cook me some Eggos."

sliding doors

Sometimes I see clearly through the window
into the other life.

I see a fatter version of me, married to Cam. Thirty-six years old, with one kid who cries when I try to teach him mathematics.
His name is always Pedro, even though Cam and I are white.

The other me never sold out for God, in the parallel life. She quit trying. And maybe moved to West Valley.

It was really that Cam was little by little unfaithful to me, with winks and smiles to other women. To using his romance language on them.
We would get quieter, everyday to each other, and things would fall apart. I would want a vacation and  a new car, and he would want romance out of me. He would find out I was gloomy, after our vows, and would get angry when I never cleaned out the dryer lint-trap.

And this is where I am so blessed, is that the life I am living belongs to God, and that I have to check with God, before decisions like marrying Cam.

The parallel me, in other universes and predestinations...
she tries to figure out where things went wrong in her marriage, and parenthood, and career when the real me just finds new things to smile about, and realizes that all the moments can be turned into worship.
Even in painful sacrifice and flashbacks.
The me that got picked for this life seriously takes it for granted most days.

you keep saying that.

"Look, this is his ex-girlfriend's profile pictures. I can't see all of them. She may have blocked me. The only time I met her, she wouldn't shake my hand because she said it was weird. But seriously, she has changed her profile picture at least three times since I looked a couple weeks ago. Who takes pictures like this of themselves? I mean, who is taking these pictures of her, for her? Don't you think it is kind of trampy to change your profile picture so often? He told me she was a tomboy, but these pictures tell me she is trying to pick up guys at bars."

I am puzzled as to what she does in her free time. I am puzzled as to where her free time comes from, in between working this job, and the other job for the trucking company, and her demanding family time.

I wonder what the free time looks like for her. What PG rated things do she and the boyfriend do? How many sentences, out of all the sentences they say to each other, are about the ex-girlfriend? How many sentences are about their future? Do they ever doubt their plans, and if they do, is it because they think they'll get in a car crash, or is it about the ex-girlfriend, or is it because they have been bad at commitment so far?

I think a lot about other people's free time. This mainly started with Renee, when I spent 35 hours a week with her, and she wouldn't tell me any truth about her personal life.

When people walk in the door, I wonder how they got to a point in their day that put them in front of me, and I try to gauge whether they want me to be part of their day, or if I am just a machine that spits out a cup of a coffee.
Am I harbor or a bank. Are you a sailor or a pirate.

Does this person stand in front of the mirror and worry about their hair loss? Does she sit at the edge of her bed and sigh in the morning, or does she just get right up and go to the bathroom. Does he get nervous to say his coffee order, and that's why he's kind of a jerk?
What do they do in the in-between moments?

I try to make these questions mean that I see the other people as people.
But I forget sometimes,
and the people are just numbers. Especially if they keep their sunglasses on.

the first day of my life

Cinque Terra, Italy

It's hard to know what to start writing about my trip.
It was fantastic. I wish that every one I knew and love could have been there. Everything was gorgeous, and tasted great, and time slowed down, and my stomach healed, and things that never made sense started to make sense about the whole world.

Stuff like that, is what I would say.

But some things I will say as I decompress are that
1) I love America
2) I even love Utah
I was ready to come home after seventeen amazing days.

About life now

I was washing dishes at Starbucks today (is that where I have most epiphanies?) and I was realizing that real life is nice. I don't know how to explain to you what real life is. It is a combination of being done with college, and having taken every girl's dream vacation, and then what is left? What is next? I'm supposed to start some journey or career or something, but in fact, just real life by itself is nice.

On the car, driving home from a pho date with Celisse and Bryan, I thought about how people 5, 7, or 11 years older than me are just now starting over with nothing. Somewhere out there.
And I'm starting over, but not with nothing. I'm starting over with an education, and not doing drugs, and a faith and hope in Jesus, and a family that loves me.

The desires of my heart are far away and unreachable, but that's probably how I like them. I like the chase.
And it keeps me desperate for time with my maker.

So this is the first day of my life with no countdowns. To the big, white canvas waiting for me.
Real life is kind of nice.

Hello from Lyon

I don't have a legit computer, and also I've been too lazy to journal while I've been here, but let me just tell you that being in France is pretty bomb.

I am hoping to remember my memories by pictures an videos.

I am just constantly floored by how good the food really is. People always say that, but I guess I learned the truth.

Also I am incredibly blessed that God put me in a place in life that I could afford to take this trip, and the time off for it.

And the other thing, besides the beauty and food, is it just feels so good to only think about how great of a time I'm having and forgetting all my worries from home.

It is nice to be an alien for once.

answer key

The secret is: I really miss deadlines.

Being a graduate just feels like, the deadlines are floating around in outer space. Anything could happen at any time, and it makes for a queasy stomach.

But having a deadline for leaving the country gave me things to do this week, like pack, call my credit cards, buy a bridesmaid dress so it can be shipped in time for my cousin's wedding, and find my things that were lost in the abyss of my room. Here are some other things.

-I thought I was having small daily heart attacks, but it seems my acid reflux is just moving to a place next to my heart. This is unfortunate because I was hoping to get some Valium out of my problems. Just kidding?

-Sometimes you feel in love, and sometimes you say, "Heart, that is a bad idea, let's go do dishes instead."

 -Putting away a Starbucks order can probably burn 600 calories.

 -a moment when Elaine suddenly appears by your side, unexpectedly, while you are ringing up a customer, and whispers, "When are we going to run away together, my Love?" and you whisper back, "Tonight, at midnight," and then finish swiping a white guy's credit card for his triple nonfat latte

 -headaches that go away with minimal effort and ibuprofen

 -fourth or fifth honeymoons with the love of your life

 -family dinners when you all say memories

-hearing your latest favorite song coming on at work, and then putting it on repeat

-butterflies in your stomach about leaving the United States for no other reason but having fun

There will be time for doctors and dentists and for brewing coffee over and over.
Tomorrow is not that time.

landlocked blues

Source: dfnisland.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I am so sleepy/exhausted today that I think even my soul wants to take a nap.

I like going to beaches well enough, but what I really wish I could do,

is be out on the water.

In a boat, for a really long time, with some books and a heart that is ready to heal over and forgive, and come out bright and shiny and pump blood better than ever. And I would have a lot of new blood to give to the people who are worse with wear.

Because I look around me, and all I can think about is my brothers and sisters who signed up to fight in this war with me, but they have gotten weary of fighting battles, and are stripping themselves of the armor of God.

They stand in fields, willing and ready to be wiped out by the gunfire of the enemy.

I wish I could hold them and bandage them up, and somehow give them the courage to keep going.

monday morning at Panera

She held my hand across the car, in between the seats, but the way she held it, all I could feel was how soft her skin was--like an innocent small child--and I knew all she was thinking about was to keep going and to keep listening to the radio. I didn't know how to meet her grandpa, yet we ended up sitting across the table with him, and I was choking down some coffee, even though I don't like to drink coffee with salty breakfast food (I was having eggs and toast) and wished I had broken down and gotten a coke instead. They were saying all of the usual things that didn't mean anything special, but formed warm air in our booth, and I knew she wasn't thinking about what it had felt like to hold my hand (she had done it accidentally), but that was all I could think about when her grandpa kept blinking so slowly. I worried that my skin was going to get as old as his was, in fewer years than his did, and I started to panic. I panicked that I would never find myself married, and would lose all the things about me that gave the walls color, and made my dogs keep living. I suddenly felt sure that I would walk back into my apartment, alone, and both of my dogs would be 100% dead. I panicked that my hair would take an awful shape, and I wouldn't remember how to open fashion magazines, and I worried that the wrong perfumes would start smelling really good to me, and that I would be an old woman who smelled bad, but had all of her organs strangely unabridged. I knew my friend was thinking only about her grandfather's safety, about how he was getting along with a stint (or is it a stent?) in his heart but all I could think was that I wish I had told Peter I would marry him, and where would I be now. I'd be at Promontory. I'd be miserable. I'd be cutting coupons, and wiping tables at Wendy's. But as we got back into her car she said, "Thank you Lisa. Thank you for doing this with me. He's so proud, but he can't be so steely around my girlfriends, and I'm glad you were with me." And I felt bad that I hadn't even been with her, the whole time. I'd been drifting around the city with ridiculous expectations of how my life was really going to turn out after everything. I'm not missing all the points on purpose. Sometimes you just open the cupboard and find that it is bare. But sometimes if you walk to the other room, and then back again, you will find a different sort of bareableness, that you really weren't expecting. And this will help you to keep waking up and eating the same breakfast, over and over.

hip hip, for the lift

for Elaine, forever ago

Me: Can I go home sick so I can watch--
Elaine: Soaps?
Alex: I used to love to watch the Soaps when I was a kid.
Me: I was going to say Star Wars.
Elaine: General Hospital!
Alex: Yeah!
Elaine: My moms used to watch General Hospital and split a Diet Coke.

I don't know why I think this is so funny. I suppose it is partly because
a) Elaine kind of has two moms and
b) that they would split a Diet Coke.


Elaine is my darling, and favorite coworker. She comes from a polygamist family, but I haven't exactly pinned down what their beliefs are (they are not necessarily FLDS?) because she is wild and unorthodox, but still believes if her husband felt called to have a second wife, she'd be down.

She has red hair, and she is beautiful, and delightful, and funny and cheerful.
I wish I could bottle up the way I feel around her, and take it everywhere. No one would ever call me a dark and stormy person.

I am in a state of extreme encouragement right now. 
Even though I am sick (a result, I believe, of not drinking alcohol, but I don't have time to go into that theory right now) I am pretty happy and looking forward to my European vacation coming up, and I think my stomach is really getting healed from not drinking coffee and alcohol.

I am blessed beyond all measure.
Even though this life may not be the desire of my heart, when I come home from work and I don't have to cook dinner for my fake husband and imaginary kids, I am pretty lucky to get to just water my plants and take a nap. God knows what He is doing.