song and dance

"STILL...two or more drinks a day do increase your chances of getting drunk."
-Megan

"They were playing Franz Ferdinand in every store. I was so proud of the mall."
-Izzy

----------------

Some days, the best that you do is to get furious, and then cool down with a third cup of coffee, and not say anything irrational.

To take a win or two where you can get them.

And one glass of wine and a call to your Judy at bedtime.

Windsday

The wind blew me in the front door and he smiled so big I could almost feel the cracks starting in his chapped lips, and a what a horrible punishment for someone so pleased to see me.

In his 30's, my dad said that his short term memory was getting shorter, but he was remembering all sorts of things from his childhood, even back to four years old. I never thought it would start happening to me, but I've started getting these little glimpses of my memories, and each one is a tiny, sweet present, like a piece of candy. And if my 30's come, and I start having more of those, then it won't be so bad to get old.

My weeks flash by so quickly. The wind keeps the air beautiful along the Wasatch, and every morning as I walk across my work campus to get my second cup of coffee, I worship my King for the gift of being here. Nights are hard, but mornings are such a relief and reward.

I pass the time to be with You, my Saviour.
Let my life glorify You, let my days be short, and my joy be from Your mercy and righteousness. The gifts You give me, and the trials You walk me through.

Thank You for clean water, for legs to run, for the kind of family other people covet, thank you for a little boy who is learning sign language and wants me to point out to him Your moon and stars, for smothered burritos, for the dream of going back to the country, for my freedom, for my chains, and for all the mysteries in between that keep me up at night.

rutina de las noches viernes

Every Friday night like clockwork, my old coworker friend Krista sends me a Snapchat of a cocktail with the caption, "TGIF". We never talk otherwise, and I need it to always be this way.

What do I do every Friday night? Typically I work and work, then watch Jeopardy with my parents. Tonight I made bread again and thought what a good wife I would be, because I know how to run a Kitchen-aid. And then I remember that being a wife is more complicated then throwing flour and water in a mixer and that actually I am probably a bad wife because I work 49 hours a week, I buy whatever I want when I'm at Target, I'm terrified of children, and I regularly eat Little Debbie snack cakes for breakfast without caring if it builds a wall of cholesterol around my heart (which my friend's mother-in-law, not even MY mother-in-law sends me regular emails about, and how I'm going to die and that I should really be thinking more about the future and dating guys that don't interest me) and then Jeopardy is over and I go back to work til 8 pm. Usually after this I take a melatonin so that I can pass out before I start stalking old coworkers/high school mates/ex-admirers on Facebook.

Tonight though, I did take Jack on a prayer walk with me, while the bread was rising for an hour.
It's not the same as Rush. Nothing will ever be the same as my times with Rush, but God did give me a breathtaking, icy sunset over the western mountains, and Jack didn't poop which would've never happened with Rush. I did work til 8 pm again, but I finished Hemingway's Garden of Eden and here I am, still awake at 11:30 and having to deal with what I'm actually thinking about like normal people do, as they lay in bed and process their day. I hate to be alone with my thoughts, hence the routine melatonin, Benedryl, Captain Morgan. But here I am without it.

And what I think is:

contrary to what I wanted 4 weeks ago (which was to buy a plot of land in the canyons, become a work-at-home agent, spend all my nights with books instead of people, plot a garden, and build my own cabin) is to keep running hard. To keep being stressed out and dealing with Heavy-Heart-Connor-Oberst-Syndrome, and to keep saying yes to things that I shouldn't say yes to. Continuar siendo un guerrero. 
I'm coming to get it. To get at it.

on the mountain

"I think I'm rooting for the Broncos, but I'm enjoying football."
-Ned during the Superbowl

I'm really happy lately. Not sleeping well, but joyful all the same. Excited about the church plant and everything that will lead up to that point.

And I love my new job, still. Every early morning, I walk through the doors while the lights are still low, make my cup of Via, pour a bowl of lucky charms, and sit at my desk and just sigh. I'm so happy God gave it to me.

This time last year I was struggling with the blues, and trying to hope in the future. But God uses those time to build a foundation. And here we are, finally come out the other side and it is a spectacular view.

Always busy. Always coffee. Always growing more in love with my Christian brothers and sisters, and asking God for a softer heart than I had the day before.