I met someone.

She seems crazy, so I think there is a good spot for her in my life. She's a regular at Starbucks, and she matches my loud volume and excitement. We finally got the courage to say that we should start hanging out, and when I wrote my number on her passion tea, I got butterflies, which is really funny. Platonic butterflies, if that makes any sense.

It goes back to Kayleigh. I've been trying to replace the spot she had for a really long time. She was at the very least crazy; maybe even a maniac. She made me laugh so hard that it was really hard not to pee my pants. We took a lot of espresso in those days.
I tried to replace her with Emily, who is not all the way crazy, but really wonderful. She manages a pretty legit cover.
Kelsey G. was where my real hope came because she is young and something about growing up makes you stop laughing like a maniac. She makes me pretty happy.
And now there is new girl, and I will have to see how it pans out with her.

But basically Kayleigh, this is my last letter to you.

It has taken me a lot of people to equal your exuberance at 5:30 in the morning. I still don't know if I've found it yet, but I realize that we are now two ships in the night, and I have to get over you somehow.
So here's to the memories: I think of you fondly, but the picture is fading. You might even be settling into a semi-normal existence now, and I don't hold that against you.
Love,
Rache

Some days I realize that I am not in love with Kayleigh anymore, and that she was a serious figment of my imagination. But I find her footprints. I hear her echoes.
When my vision starts to get worse, I think about her.

I can't believe how long I've worked at Starbucks.

I start to wonder where my life is going. I'm too mean to these people, or too nice. I say the same things over and over. Will I say fake things for years?
Phony earth, grumpy people...

I miss seeing the vulnerable side of them. I want to get that back.

I thought Kayleigh died, but it turned out she just broke her phone, and she's been right here, the whole time, playing Halo with her boyfriend.
I woke up to a text from her, "Rachel rachel rachel rachel, hi hi hi hi hi hi how are you?"
So it turns out that she is even more than alive. She is shooting aliens or something, and she picked one of the six guys, and finally settled down. It made me smile in a fog of alarms as I was waking, to know that she is back from Dixie and that she didn't fall down a mountain, which has happened to at least one person I love very much.

Dear Kayleigh,
where are you? I am really starting to worry. Every time I see snowboarders or girls with their hair braided down the side of their heads, I think, "where is my Kayleigh?" and you are nowhere to be found in this moment of now.

Please tell me that you are not in an avalanche.
Goodbye,

Rache

give up and let me go

If I could somehow go through the last three days, and give you a photo montage it would be something like this, set to Cowboy Robot.
It starts with me in bed early on night up early Saturday, saying I'm okay, okay, okay. I drink 6-10 shots of espresso at work with Darrell...then suddenly I'm in the mountains, it is raining, and I am far far away. (Cowboy Robot comes in, I'm on the second go around with this album) My truck is fishtailing up this dirt gravel road and I think, "I'm really going to die alone. Like really, this time." But with a few more expletives than that.
I get to the Big Canyon music fest in the middle of nowhere, right as I can hear Revolution Medicine starting I slam my car door shut, wave at Paul and run through the trees, Kelsea's voice coming through the rain. (Yes, so dramatic and romantic, and my lungs giving out). I sit in Kaylene's arms for a moment and pull myself together. Kels and Collin and Caleb play an amazing set in the pouring rain, Kaylene and I huddled under an umbrella.
I go back down those mountains alone.
We graduate to I'm at church nervously drinking water, then at Olive Garden part 2 with Celisse, Alex, and Hannah Porter. I've had 2 more cups of caffeine, and I'm eating dinner with 3 of probably the most cynical people I know, which is good. I can't think straight, I fall asleep in my hot tub by accident.
Sunday-- I spend the entire day in bed, besides one hour at the gym that doesn't help anything. I start to think I'm having a relapse of my first semester of college when I throw off the covers and go to Shannon's house, and my D'Amicos heal me.
Then I sleep in today, get my contacts (I can finally finally finally see). I get my dose of Vitamin Kayleigh and grab coffee at work before going to the U.
After Spanish class, one of my classmates starts talking to me at the TRAX station, and we become friends by accident when we both get on the wrong trains. He's a young music snob, so we both have something in common, and we keep each other safe from creepy transients.
And then hookah with my buddies and like a hundred episodes of How I met your Mother.

So everything fell apart and came back together. And I'm happy again. And I'm taking all of this one day at a time, because it will come together one day when I'm back in the Midwest and smiling and tan.


"Dave, you look tired... like you've been babysitting all day."
-J.J.

Kayleigh-isms

"Dude, Rachel, are you so excited for this moment of tonight?"


"We will continue this in the next text. But leave right now to come to the D.I. We are almost everywhere."


"You are too dope to be the pope.. sorry it's the only thing that rhymed."