oh hi.

How often do you get to give the same person your two weeks notice twice? Well, usually every year, or twice a year if you are me.

I gave G my two weeks notice last night, which I was dreading, but we really had a good conversation, and I feel positive about where I am leaving things with her. So in two weeks, I will officially be back to only wearing coffee-flavored clothes and sometimes I worry that I made the wrong decision, but I feel like Starbucks might be the only company to accommodate all the traveling and shenanigans I am getting myself into in 2012.

And someday I will be giving them my two weeks again. I need to try newer things than coffee and banks, I guess.

 As I was trying to figure out how to open a window on the bus, because the guy behind me kept farting, the bus pulled up to one of its scheduled stops, and this couple who was sitting a few rows in front of me, kissed each other like Barbies, but all I could see was the look on the girl's face, and she looked deliriously happy. She gets up to get off the bus, and smiles at him the whole time. When she steps down to the sidewalk, she keeps smiling and looking at him, and he keeps watching her and they just keep smiling at each other like idiots. Everyone on the bus is watching them, because you never see this. It's not lust, it's not some couple making out in front of a high school. I think that's why we want to watch them.
My new psychology brain says that it's limerence and it's only going to last for so long, but it's a nice thing to see. I think about how long it's been since I felt that way about anyone, but I still smile.
The bus is sometimes my favorite part of the day.

"And I am one of your people
But the cars don't stop
And it's been a long time since before I've been touched
Now I'm getting touched all the time
And it's only a matter of whom
And it's only a matter of when

An addiction to hands and feet-
There's a meat market down the street..."
-Regina Spektor

  

There is a moment, in Wes Anderson's Hotel Chevalier when Natalie Portman says, "Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend." and Jason Schwartzman replies, "I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever." 

And usually I relate most with Jason's character, of being left and still loving someone even though he/she does not deserve it, and hating myself because of it.

But today I am Natalie Portman, wanting to leave, wanting Martha still to love me. Wanting to have my cake and eat it too.

I'm afraid after cutting all the ties off, that I'm going to feel like I made a mistake. But I'm also sure that I will feel free. I don't know, in the end, if I like "free". But I know that I like movement.

Natalie Portman: I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.

Jason Schwartzman: I don't care.

another Pleasant Valley Sunday


Last night, as I passed Tegan and Sara's exit, I smiled. "I'm sleeping in my own bed, next to no dogs, tonight!" and then after what felt like 3 hours of sleep, my alarm went off.

I think things are going to be good. I have about 3 weeks of hell, coming up, but then I will only be working one job, it will be Fall Break, and maybe I will lose a little more weight.

Everyday is a gift from God. He surprises me, He blesses me.
-I get to work with Christians now.
-I received a small pell grant to put toward this year's student loans.
-I've become a professional house-sitter and it is a nice income on the side.
-My friendships are growing and changing. Mostly growing.
...And my anxiety is gone. I don't get panicky anymore.

and my brother, the hipster

"Do we have "Catch for Us the Foxes" on CD?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Dang, I was going to make a tape of it."
"You could rip it to CD, put it in the stereo, then make a tape of it, HA!"
"Oh the irony of being a hipster...it's only hip if you have to go out of your way to make it work."
-My text message conversation with Philip last night

He just recently bought a car, and it only has a tape player, and rather than get one of those cassette tapes that plugs into your iPhone, he will only use actual tapes, because that's how cool he is. Makes me miss the old days.

This is how house sitting is starting to make me feel.
Like a Sim, whose social bar is red.

Dogs are not replacements for people.
It's been a crazy-interesting week. We'll see how it goes.
God is good, even though I get myself thigh deep in the pudding of terrible decisions. I know it will all work out, and I am still having the time of my life. There are people out there making poorer choices than me, which is slightly comforting...

An interesting thought, to close, because I've been reading my psychology text books all day: People in good partnerships have better health than those of us who are even happy not to be in a relationship. But people can actually die from the depression of a broken heart. They can get strokes or heart attacks from it. Love is a huge gamble. I guess. I am pretty well-off just loving Ryan Gosling from afar.

Well, as I was eating raw hamburger on Saturday night, I knew that the right thing to do would be to go throw it up.

But instead, I am paying for it now. And yesterday. But it could be a lot worse.

KG stayed the night with me, and it was really nice to not be scared at all, and to have someone to talk to. I guess I am already tired of living alone, and my little-purple-house hopes are dashed.
I woke up during the night, and forgot she was there, and I thought, that is a nice surprise that you are with me.

We went up to the mountains pretty early this morning and met up with Becky L. and we had a really lovely hike up I think it is called Mineral Fork? It was beautiful, and not too hard of a hike, and part of it was hiking up water. It was the perfect temperature. It is so much easier to talk to God when you are breathing clean air. But we live our lives in the valley, so we get gas masks and try to shine lights out into the fog.

We ate at a crappy Mexican restaurant and then I accidentally collapsed into a two hour nap with Tegan and Sara's dogs, and I really liked them for that whole time. I like them more each time I come home, and there is not pee on the floor.


I am incandescently happy to have and to hold September.

I told my coworkers all day about how excited I was to have a place to watch movies all by myself, and how excited I was to spend Friday night alone. They were so happy for me.

After work, I went grocery shopping. This is the list of things I bought:
-sweet potatoes
-garlic
-hamburger
-ice cream
-corn dogs
-miniature Kit Kats
-Sailor Jerry
-Bottle of cheap red wine

I forgot Asiago cheese.

So you can see it was going to be a wonderful night, and I had enough food to feed a whole party, even though I was just going to be me.

And then I get a text.
"I'm not going to that party, do you want to go to Ikea and get Swedish meatballs?"

We ate our own meals, (I made salsa when I got "home") and we didn't fight, the whole night. I am hopeful, that I am getting better at my relationships, and the right amount of distance and closeness, because everything felt so amazing by the end of the week. Looking out the windows of Ikea, and looking at my friend, everything had such clarity. The colors seemed richer. My student loans more settled. Employers everywhere were waiting for me to quit my job and work for them.

I feel like I can be the kind of girl who RSVPs to things, and who can make herself eat only one Toaster Strudel in the morning.  The kind of girl who turns in her homework before it is due, and works out....two times a week.

And the future has a lot to look forward to right now. I would say, even, a 10 out of 10. :)