I've been spending way too much time in nostalgia lately.

It started when I put in an Ani DiFranco CD and went back to Senior year, alone with so many people in that horrible aerobics room, in the morning. The floor smelt like it was burning. Running alone. The sad looks from Babbo that I still recognize on other peoples faces, here and there, in passing, at 2 in the morning or in my sleep at night.
Those songs from Ani were weighing my heart heavier by 5 or 6 pounds, and then that was that, for a couple days.

And then driving through Kearns today with Celisse I remembered Brian O'Rourke's water polo game that we came "way" out to. Junior year. Flashbacks of me and Kelsea and Brian. Or Jordan. Or Linnea.
It makes me homesick for a place that doesn't exist.

The hard part, after losing those friends, is to remember to treasure the people you are with. Trying to hold them down in your arms and whispering, "Please don't go...please don't go." To love them enough that they won't leave you.
Can you stop the fallout?

Part B of Today, because my hair is coloring

My allergies are killing me.
Celisse is in town for her friend's wedding, and I've been watching her put together the cake. I don't know what I'll do when I won't be able to see her all the time. My seams will come undone.

And.
What about getting old? The skin that's holding me together right now is going to get old some day, and where am I even going to be, then? WHERE.
This man came into the bank today, and I thought he was drunk for a while, because he was having a really hard time forming words and thinking straight. He But after a minute I was starting to tell that he was deeply sad, and it sort of killed me. He wasn't old or young, he was just a man.
"Some people are just good," he started saying to me. "They shouldn't have to go."
"Did you lose someone?" I asked him.
"Yes.."
"I'm sorry," I told him. And I meant it. His eyes were red, and I don't know if I've ever seen someone that heartbroken in a really long time. To see in his face that life was just hard. That words were hard to choke out. That writing down letters on a paper was hard. That getting from here to there was just...hard. I started crying as he walked out the door, and I didn't even know what had happened to him. Didn't know who she was, or how she belonged to him.

And--
I still don't know where ANY of this is going. The only thing I seem to know these days is that nothing is consistent, and that everything I take root in is washed away. But I guess that is God for you. I guess it's called starting over, and that's what I said I wanted, didn't I.

A) I wish my hair was longer
b) I wish it was warmer outside
C) why do naps sound sooo good these days?
d) I wish I had a teleporter. Just saying.



"I have to go to the bathroom--just real quick--would you like a banana, orange, tomato, apple or a cookie?" -Celisse

I'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours

Sometimes today just automatically feels better than yesterday even though nothing has changed. At all.
Well...roughly 155,000 people have died, and that many have been born (or more), the world really hasn't changed that much. The mass is the same. But then I've got a cup of coffee in my hands, and everything is so much better. The windows are open, work is over, and 6 billion people are dealing with their problems, but maybe I am one of the 1 billion people that is just waking up again and living a normal life, because I don't have that much to lose. I mean, anything could get worse, but I don't have a husband or kids to lose.
That's kind of morbid. I was just thinking, when this lady came into the bank and told me her son died, that by having nothing, I also can't get that heartbroken. I'm sorry, Lady.

I feel good, I'm kind of trying to say. The windows are down, I was trying to say.
And I sort of quit smoking (I've never been a smoker). But on Tuesday I gave Tony all the cigarettes that I compulsively buy. But I smoked a Primetime with Malinda before class. But that doesn't count.

Mostly, everyday, I just feel bad for George. I get more and more attached to him, and feel so bad at what a terrible mess I'm leaving him. And Tanya will leave. And Kristie will leave.
Daaaaang.
I pray for him.

Okay, I haven't left yet.
Some sketch thoughts.

-I feel really really bad for George (my manager). I don't know if I've had so much compassion for a person deep inside me in a long time. We are all leaving him and I don't know what else to do but stay extra hours when I can.

-two people have recently started talking to me again (as opposed to the silent treatment I've gotten) Tanya (took two days), and Nick, who has been mad at me for a few months.
I don't like when people are mad at me.

-the weather isn't helping anyone's life get better. snow? what?

Okay so. I gave my boss notice that I was leaving on Saturday. George was totally bummed. But I did give him three weeks notice. Although, I probably should have put more time into thinking all of this out (because of the mess that it has been, and the late nights of staring at the ceiling), I went to a job fair at Starbucks, that day, after work. I interviewed less than 3 hours after quitting the bank. I come back to the bank Monday (Yep, I worked 6 days in a row and only got 1 day off) and everyone except Dax and Kristie are shunning me. The district manager is the devil, trying to whisper in my ear and get me to stay, indirectly making judgments on my character and making it sound like the right thing to do to stay in the hellhole that the branch is.
Ahh. But after two days of being "shunned" I gladly accept the job at Starbucks.
I'M GETTING OUT!!
Anyways. I've had quite a couple sleepless nights.
But I am going to California to hang out with a wonderful girl and eat sushi and see the ocean.
Bon Voyage.

"So, anything interesting happen?"
"Well, JeNae has eaten a dog."
"What?!"
"Not a whole dog."

It's almost the end.



I think?

This is the aforementioned seawood soup with noodles. I eat it, like, every other day or something.

What do I have to say or what am I saying.

I am excited about seawood soup, clean laundry, "bed-in-a-bag", sleeping in (almost too much), perfume, already planned Father's day gifts, long lost cameras and photos (what is new for me, losing a camera and getting it back?), going to see Celisse, less than three weeks left of school, having homework squared away for once, good friends, and food food food!

Not stoked on: skin that hurts around your fingernails, boys who ask me out, grades, waiting a hundred years for payday, and not having time to read a book.

Mostly my quest in life is just to find a shampoo to rely on.

Había una vez

I'm never really sure what's going on, and I'm just trying to handle it all in the best way I know how.
Tonight, I'm a little deaf from band practice (work + school + band practice = thursday, long and tiring) and a little sad, a little victorious, and a little separate from the reality that I'm sure every one else is dealing with while falling asleep.

One of my friends told me today that he was getting a divorce, which makes me sad. I am probably one of the most optimistic people I know about relationships. I always think that they'll work themselves out, because that is how my life has gone? There haven't been any storms that I haven't survived after months of good music and eating vegetables... what is cold is forgivable. I've never been in a long-term relationship myself, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. I want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real...

Anyways. I've been eating Asian food for a few days now, and I just feel good in general, besides being deaf tonight.
GOD DO YOU HEAR THAT? I'm alright. Stressed a little, because the job situation is never really good. But oh well. Rice noodles with seawood soup can solve crimes? And running to the New Pornographers is good for the soul? Go figure.

A list. In a little while I'm sure that my thoughts will be more collected.
But right now I've just got a lot of fragments that I chew on while I'm staring out the windows of my truck waiting for the light to turn green.

-Noah cooked a bar of soap in the microwave yesterday
-I went to the Asian supermarket today. Whoa.
-short shift at work
-Project Runway Season 1
-drank so much pop and also had an Americano last night, and somehow I fell asleep?
-the sky is the same color as the road right now. Yuck.