She looked up at him. "You really think the painter made it back to see her?"
     "Oh yes," Pasquale said, his voice hoarse with feeling.
     "You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"
     And because he felt like he might burst open and because he lacked the dexterity in English to say all that he was thinking--how in his estimation, the more you lived the more regret and longing you suffered, that life was a glorious catastrophe--Pasquale Tursi said only, "Yes."
 -Beautiful Ruins, Jess Walter

I've been reading, running, watching excellent films. I've been drinking 5am French pressed coffee and then sticking the French press in my desk drawer. I've been missing school, been not missing school. I've been falling in and out of love each time he walks by me. Been praying. Been day dreaming so long that I stop blinking and my contacts fog up. Been making lists and been so afraid of the future that I have to get up and leave. Been calming back down. Been saying answers to Jeopardy questions. Been trying to wear socks to bed and then kicking them off in the night. Making mix tapes and then starting over with new songs. Been swimming a mile, and then starting over and swimming another mile.
And the heartburn has a life of it's own, I'm a monster, but I'm learning.

If everybody's thoughts showed up in a bubble over their heads, you'd find out a lot more people loved you than you thought.

Noah: How does my hair look going this direction?
Me: I knew you were going to ask me that, I was counting the minutes.
Noah: Yeah, I know. So I'm thinking about getting a solar panel.


Garrett starts putting on his coat.
Holden: Garrett, do you have a way to get home?
Garrett: Yeah, I drove here.

freedom

Sometimes I can't believe I'm 25 and still finding new things to surprise me and new people to love. Or old friends that you forgot were so wonderful and remembered all your best attributes. The air feels light, and my hear is racing from caffeine and being so happy. It's like waking up after a few years of thinking the style of the movie was going to stay a drama forever and now it's more like a BBC comedy.

A new kind of alive. Not in love, this is not about love. Or at least not romance. Just about new life.

Don't give up.