I had horrible dreams last night.
When I finally woke up for the last time, I was back in my house, lying on my couch. I put my glasses on my face and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. I yelled at Bingley a few times to quit licking his leg and he finally just ran away.
I set my alarm pretty late on Sundays so I can feel sort of smug when I wake up before it goes off. I'm not really fooling anybody.

I'm having a thoughtful Sunday. After a week of not thinking at all, it feels good to have a small amount of emotion, and a small amount of transforming thought. I had an hour long quiet time while it snowed and I reheated my coffee three times.
We watched Rent last night which is (in my opinion, and quite a few of my friends disagree with me) a horrible movie. To me, the songs just weren't great, and I felt like everyone in the movie got what they had coming to them, so I didn't really feel any sympathy for them. No, I don't think that's self righteous of me, I'm just being honest. If you're sleeping around with people who shoot heroine up their arms, or if you are a man having sex with another man, I don't really feel bad for you when you get AIDS. You chose your lifestyle.
If any of them had repented, it really could have been a different story to me. I might have cried, even.
Okay. Saying these things out loud will probably come back to bite me.
Having more than one day off gives me too much time to think, I guess.

take this for a grain of salt
as Nick D'Amico would say

"I know sitting in this Barnes and Noble Cafe that my underwear is probably showing. I know I'm young. I know that true love has never shown up at my door or saved me from anything, but that my friendships have saved me from a hell. I know I've made some mistakes, but I don't think that I've made my one big mistake. I know that glamor is worth something, but my life will never be rock and roll. I am far from the end, but I hope for it's nearness. I'm happy even when I am unhappy."
-Me four months ago

I am learning things. I am growing. I think someone is done punishing me for listening too long to one song.

"How was your flight, Mom?"
"Did you know you can buy a beer for $5 to wash your Codeine down with?"
-Judy

should we sing some kind of chorus?

At two a.m. on my way home this morning, I realized that I am a feminist. I am. A feminist. Maybe a closet feminist (can I be that, does that exist?) but it's there all the same. And the reasons I would never yield to believing I was, was men that made me believe you had to be a lesbian to be a feminist. That you couldn't be a mom. That you couldn't be a cute Christian girl and still be a feminist.

But I don't see it like that. And I don't see why I can't have a strong mind and not wear cute jeans. And I don't know if I will put up with any more nights of being degraded and laughed at, however indirectly it might be.

and I can sing the blues so well...

There are always those people you meet that are lonely.
When I first met her for the second time, I could tell that she was lonely, and I feel bad now for not trying to fix her better. You always think that someone else will do that part; the fixing.
You could look into her eyes and know she was falling apart, even though she wouldn't admit it. She wouldn't confess about cocaine or nitrous oxide...but she gave me clues.
"I sat in front of my old house the other day," she told me, when she was generous. "I smoked a pack of cigarettes and cried the whole time." I thought about that. I even tried it once. I tried smoking a pack of cigarettes, and crying. I got three cigarettes deep and realized I was a jackass. I don't have enough sadness in me to do that. I am, most of the time, a truly happy person.

She cut her hair, and disappeared.

I saw her several months later with a much older man, and I wonder if she will ever be happy. I wonder how much her father damaged her by just not loving her enough. How much any of our fathers damage us, and how blessed I am to have the father that I have and have had.
I went through a phase of being angry with my parents (I never thought I'd do that, but I'm just a teenage dirt bag baby...) and at the end of it, I realized that it wasn't my parents that screwed me up. I did that myself because I had nothing else to be angry about.

"Everybody's so inviting, they have it in for me I know.
It's not that I don't really love you, it's just that I don't really know."
Julian Casablancas

How do you take care of someone when you are nowhere near them. How do you help someone out when they are falling apart from the same thing you've fallen apart from in the past, and there was no way out of it when you went through it in the first place? That you just had to suffer through with Wes Anderson and Spoon and Zach Braff and that crying for a lot of nights eventually turned your heart into something impenetrable enough that you just kept going day after day with a cup of coffee in your hand?

I don't know how to say all those things them. Everybody chooses a different poison.

"The hateful things you think you want to say,
time will turn them into jokes. (Yup.)"

I'm standing in my room bending a credit card in half and my feet are starting to feel sweaty because I'm wearing slippers. Why does it have to be that way? I love slippers.

You know how there is caffeine to wake, and pills to sleep, and medicine to make you happy when you are not...why can't there be something over-the-counter to make your mind come alive and think new things? I am already tired of winter and how it traps us in. How the snow won't go away.
But at the same time, I am already so excited because I feel like I'm on the verge of something new. In 10 more days, the sun will start rising earlier and setting later, like the world was just a ping pong ball and it hit the other side and is bouncing back now. The world is bouncing back..

an unplanned nap

an unplanned nap
Originally uploaded by virginiaz

night

It took me all day to get where I am. To create this hair. To dress and to walk with my head above water. To get used to the cold, to wrap a scarf around my neck. To forget the night and the dreams, and the way my heart felt the last time it was dark outside.

And I have to do it all over again.
What a terrible dance we do.
This night and day thing.

Originally uploaded by EvilxElf

Often I forget that I belong to the Lord.
That Jesus bought me and I made a promise to Him.
I always try to keep my promises.

I also forget most days, that the people I'm standing next to are my brothers and sisters. Because I forget, I often don't treat them with the respect they deserve. Or the respect they don't deserve. Either way I should be kinder. We are entertaining the angels, after all.

Thank you, Jesus, for the music. I don't want to fool around anymore.