Cute spoon from the Pho restaurant we always go to. It makes me hungry just looking at the picture.

"From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone. Usually, these are people who expect something from me--a near future, a not-too-distant future. What I tell them is limited to the people I have already had myself married against. Everything I say is to the best of my knowledge and next to nothing. It comes nowhere close."

-Gary Lutz, Stories in the Worst Way

How Tracy Jordan is affecting my life.

Gertrude. Norma. Maude. Beatrice. Bernice. Judy.

I'm bored from six days of drive through so I just go through names. Only one guy called me on it.
"Welcome to Starbucks, my name is--Maude. What can I get for you?"
"Your name's not Maude."
"Why not?"
"That's too old. And you laughed."
"Yep."
"You should do stripper names next."

So I did that for a little while too. Next time I think I'll go through all the characters on Lost.
This is what I have amounted to.

thought I was layin' in my garden with my fists deep in soil, but I was stranded on an island, shooting flares at your boat

Sometimes I am driving home, and I think, "Oh I should get coffee in the morning on my way to work."

And then I realize that I work at Starbucks.

"Those trailers depreciate so quickly though, like cars."
"Well you know what Tony, they would still appreciate you."
-Bryan

"Maybe when my hair grows long, I will buy a motorcycle."
"Maybe when your hair is longer you'll realize that we have a son together and stop denying him."
"If I ever stop denying him, I'll become an alcoholic."
"Well if you keep pursuing your dream of being on vh1's Divas Live then of course you'll end up an alcoholic. Stop kidding yourself and grow up already."

-a typical text message conversation with Celisse

I am still dreaming about that Saturday somewhere in the future that I get to sleep in. I am exhausted. I am guilty about stuff, but my hands are clean.

Cords and cables. Pumping cold blood back into my arm.

There are doors.


"Ma'am how was your day? Keep your eyes on my face. I want to help you, if you let me."
cold war kids

On the second thought.

Probably like, two months ago I told all my coworkers that I was going to marry a big fat man who didn't care if I was fat. And then I pursued eating every donut and cinnamon roll in our store that I could get my hands on. I filled cups full of signature hot chocolate and whip cream and let it go up my nose until I felt completely happy.

Two days later when it went straight to my love handles, I called upon Mia St. John and the Skinny Bitches. They helped me get straightened out, and I felt so much better.

And now I am in a place of confusion whether I want to eat an entire chocolate cake by myself, or if I want to run for 3 hours a day until I am high off the seratonin and ibuprofen.

These decisions end up making me take a nap.

Best day ever.

Well not really. But its a really wonderful day and I feel obnoxiously happy and thankful.
I missed the first train this morning, but then it was fine. I got on the next one and played Lego Star Wars for half an hour. I made it to my first class on time, miraculously. Somehow I got all the copies of my story (by the way I wrote a story, and it actually has a happy ending!) made in time to just sit and eat with Kristyn. I even got my school i.d. from the lost and found, so I don't have to pay $20 for a new one. I turned in everything on time, and my teacher ended class talking about Lost.
I got a cup of coffee at my store, and workshopped some papers.

I think you could beat me with a stick, and I would just laugh. I'm deliriously happy for no other reason than that Jesus is good.

what I want
Is to sleep in on a Saturday,
eat steaming hot waffles with so much butter that I could hear my arteries clog themselves up, drink Ethiopian Sun dried Sidamo black at the perfect temperature, read my Bible, and then go back to bed.

I believe in this vision. I just believe its a few more months away.

I was really ready to remember a better you that spoke French, even if I take the bus. Even when I fall asleep with my arm on the thermostat, even when I was crying about the older sentences we'd found so amusing, I mean not crying actually. laughing.

They'd take my arms off first and give them to a girl who wanted to hold her child.
They'd take my legs off next and make some girl walk more miles than before she'd been attacked by a shark.
And then I'd feel really sorry. I'd write them letters and say, I'm sorry you'll get bruises now; never figured that one out. One'd write back and say, "I found the burn on your right arm, where you dropped a pan of hot water. The other'd write back and say, "You have flat feet, but some good shape otherwise."
But that would be the end of it, a farewell to limbs.

And then I'd wake up in a Tim Burton movie, or else South Dakota and make a lot more spelling errors than I use to. Better sentences, more amusing.
I'd put Z's where S's go, like I was British.
I wouldn't eavesdrop or drink lattes.
You wouldn't either.
I'd put a note on my calendar when you're coming back, but forget because I'd drop my phone in a boiling river by accident.
It's okay, for a Wednesday though.

tracing the lines in my face for something more beautiful than is there

I like second-hand smoking best. I was standing behind this kid, in front of the door as he was smoking it down to the end, and it smelled rich. Not like the smoke left in your clothes or car. It was smoking and still smelling. Hopefully second-hand smoking won't give me blood clots...
Anyways.
It's Spring today, and I'm thinking about the farm. Dying for the farm. But I'm enjoying life. I'm enjoying sunshine.
Not upset about losing my Train pass, or about guys asking me out, or about my teacher going long, or about all the things that are coming apart at the seams.

Because things are lovely. (I think it's been the 10 hour nights I've been sleeping, and reading the Bible before the sun comes out.)

"Hail to whatever you found in the sunlight that surrounds you. Pretend all the good things are for you. Pretend all the good things are for me too. The weather changes not halfway between your house and mine."
-Rilo Kiley

things you can tell just by looking at her

That she'll easily break my heart.
That the hair in her face is hiding a child I've known all my life, but just met a few months ago.
That she could run my fingers over the scars on her arm until I didn't know who I was or she was.
That she is beautiful and needs to be held tightly til she's not crazy anymore.

And the part that hurts the most is that I can't express to her how Jesus wants her, and wants to make right with God for her. How the nights have hope when to live is Christ.
I'm scared about the explosion.

Ma'am how was your day? Keep your eyes on my face.

Sometimes, it ends up that the sugar in your bloodstream makes that guy look a little familiar.
You think you should explain, "I'm sorry, you look so much like someone I know."
And he is staring at you, thinking, "You are a crazy wacko: hand me my drinks and let me go."
And you think, "No, I brushed my hair today. And if I lean out the window, will you take me in your arms and love me better than he did? Since you look like him, can you just love me a little bit better?"
But you hand him his drinks and don't say anything.
You stop drinking so much coffee, and grow a little older.

"I mean if you smell your hands, they smell like 'hands'...at best."
-Matt Kilpatrick