It's been quite a few days of having this blood blister under my fingernail. My thumbnail. Slammed it in a register. Nails take a long time to grow. It's been 18 days and it has only floated a twelfth of an inch higher.

Things take a long time to change.

Like bad habits. 21 days or something to quit a bad habit? 21 days of that empty feeling in your gut of living without that habit.
But how many days will it take for me to look at your face and convince myself that I'm not in love with you? The muscles in my heart snapping and ripping and my stomach clenched up, my appetite gone. The bruise; the hematoma that will form in my chest, and the high-necked shirts I will wear to cover it up. How many days of that?
I'm not going to pretend that
I'm going to give in to that yet.
The bruise.
The shaking.

I don't know what to say. It's too hot to think, or to even tell the truth all the time. It's like why bother getting involved in anything this week when it is just so much effort and you could blow up fireworks in the drive-thru in your hometown anyways.

Maybe when school starts and it gets cold I won't think so much and so hard.
I'll go running.
I won't cut my hair.
All the people will keep holding hands, and they won't remember about real love and how it finds you under the blacklight. They won't remember about how it happens in between cigarettes and iPhones and the endless winter you thought you'd forgotten about.

Rich shots of espresso.

We'll get back to the way things worked.

Kayleigh-isms

"Dude, Rachel, are you so excited for this moment of tonight?"


"We will continue this in the next text. But leave right now to come to the D.I. We are almost everywhere."


"You are too dope to be the pope.. sorry it's the only thing that rhymed."

kind of funny

"Keaton told them to maybe stop doing heroine, and they wanted to fight us. So we left." -Ashlie
"Well I couldn't have fit in that spot anyways." -Keaton

"Do you realize the fun level of THIS!" -Nick, on Raging Waters 2008, or RA08 as he coined it. Which as usual makes no sense because it would've been RW08.

"Jeff - well I know he's my brother - but he's just not living up to the expectation lately."
-Jason

I'm not writing very coherently lately, and sometimes I wish I could go back to a place where my writing had good flow and was clear and had clear voice.

I'm taking iron nowadays but the bruises haven't stopped. I'm like an apple falling around the produce section with so many bruises by now that nobody wants to buy me because they know that I'm just squishy.

They have this thing in Utah called Pioneer day to celebrate people trekking it to Utah to colonize. I like it because it's another excuse to light off fireworks and have another BBQ and your friends drink beer and tell good stories.
Celisse and I had breakfast at IHOP and this guy threw over pans of dishes and smacked his fist on our exact table walking out. I was thinking it was probably a disgruntled employee. Celisse thought he'd come back with a gun. (It is the west side after all) And I was picturing us on national news. All our friends would know we died at IHOP and they'd have some bad picture of us and Bryan would know Celisse didn't stop in to say hi to him even though IHOP is in his Walmart's parking lot and he would hold a grudge with her about it to the grave.
But we made it through breakfast and took her shiatsus for a walk. Is that how you spell shitzu? Bless you.
I worked with Jessie and Jason towards the end of Sammy's shift. I think she smokes in the bathroom but I haven't collected enough evidence yet to confront her about it. I actually don't care that much. She should be able to smoke in the bathroom if she really wants to. It's the small things in life.

So then we had the barbeque and all sat on Nick's patio just laughing and enjoying life, and it's one of those things I wish I could freeze and just never change. I want us to always be able to do that and I don't really care if we never grew up and had kids and got real jobs with 401k's. I just want to be able to smoke on the back porch of Nick's duplex and plan adventures to Mexico til the end.
Is it too much to ask?

And this love isn't good enough for sorrow or inspiration...

I could start at the beginning.
Yesterday I was working at Caitlin's Starbucks because they were short and I needed the hours. It was good, they actually let me bar and this guy who looked like Jack from LOST was running the drive through. It was a little unnerving, because everytime he said something like, "We need to rebrew coffee" I just took him so serious because you just do everything Jack says. He's our leader.
Anyway, he was Presbyterian and when no one else was around we were sort of talking about it, and I told him we'd moved here to start the Rock and he's like, "Oh, so you're a Christian, do you mind if I ask you what you believe gets you into Heaven?" And I freaked out cuz a customer walked in the door and so I just leaned over and whispered, "I am saved by grace." And his face turned into the sunlight. "AMEN! SISTER. If there was anything you could have said!" And he gave me a high five and that was that. We didn't say anything else about it and I left at the end of my shift.
Also I saw Lisa (a nurse I used to work with from the hospital). And it really just bought back a flood of memories and raw emotion that I'd forgotten I'd had. I started asking her all these questions. I want to go back and see John and Joe and Alex. A part of my heart belongs at that hospital and I left it there, and it's really hard to know what to do about that.

So I worked at Caitlin's store and then went to meet Celisse at her house now that she's home but there was a huge storm out there and I kept getting lost cuz it's the freakin' west side. Ha ha ha. We were kind of both pissed off for different reasons while we ate Chinese food together. I think that's why we're such good friends. Cuz we can hang out pissed off and be totally fine with it.
Then Jessi calls and tells me that Shonna's best friend Maren died, which is heartbreaking. She is just only a little bit older than me, and Shonna's always talking about her, and which college she was going to, and being diebetic. I felt like I knew the girl, and it's just one more reminder that life is short, and you never know when it's going to be. Never.

So I closed the store because they needed help, and then opened this morning which was creepy but endurable. And I realize that I would just pick to work all the time, and is that healthy, and what does it say about me.
There is so much more that is going on right now, but I'm just going to call it a night and eat some spaghetti.

It's an escapade in a different language. Juggling knives drunk under the deceitful smell of Dolce and Gabbana. Don't act like you don't remember.
Lighting matches and lighting up the room
and listening close to what you don't say during the silence on the patio in the middle of the day.
I loved you always but I never want to see you
in all my bad dreams.
With head a c h e s.
I want you to believe the frozen state and that I don't change. Don't come after me and think I'll change. Don't count on me not to hurt your feelings when the windows are shut.
I
can't
always
do
it.
But I'll be sorry everyday. I'll be the mistress and I'll be glory when everything is over.
The cupcake in it's wrapper.
The newspaper on the front door.
Damn, I'll-be-yes-reliable. What I would give if you
would just know my passwords and what I'm going to say next.

Originally uploaded by maneeacc

This is how I feel right now. And I want to sleep for a couple days. And I don't want to answer the phone anymore. Just want to wear a headband and smoke cigarettes at night time.

how I think I'm doing
at house sitting:
like, 6 out of 10.

The dogs are miserable. They are way stressed from not having anyone home that actually loves them. They make me miserable. (Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. One at a time) But other than that, I like having the place to myself. It makes me want to move out.

Randal is out of town, so at the last minute yesterday, we had Bryan come to our practice and he's playing drums for us, which is pretty much awesome. We played Provo tonight, and I thought it went really well, and we're playing again tomorrow. (Darling) Hannah (from work, cuz she always says Darling, and I have a lot of Hannahs these days) and I are getting sushi tomorrow, and I'm just plain tired tonight.
No new bruises.

I like closing sometimes because I get to sleep in and go to the gym and I feel like I really didn't have to work very much cuz I'm not tired.

Today we found out that my cat was boarded up under the house. She'd crawled under the house and my dad was painting and sealed up a hole that had been there for a while, and apparently she didn't realize he was doing that. It was funny. We let her out and she was fine.

Anyway. I closed with Shonna, and she's great. Jason came and visited us and ended up staying for 4 hours, which is a bonus. Kelsea came in and hung out too.

Pretty much my life is great and I have nothing to complain about except allergies.
And sometimes I think about packing up and moving to Seattle. But I have a lot of years to try that, probably.