I.give.it.you.all (yes, I will)

But you came from nothing.

You found yourself creeping from dust, grateful for a Creator who breathed life into you and gave you a brain that would rebel against Him.

You said sorry.
Sorry that you can't break down more, for Him.
Sorry that you flirt with the idea of other lovers.
Sorry that you don't fall down hard enough and that you can't deserve Him.
But He won't hear of it.

He looks past the failures, and the adulteries, and the idolatries, because of this one time that you bent your knee to him.
And for some reason, you wake up in a warm house in the United States of AMERICA, despite His other lovers in Africa and South America and such, but you are still so whiny? you still think it is hard to go to live alone in your shell? you think you deserve more than 3 or 4 huge meals a day and a limitless credit card?


And yet, there is unending forgiveness.

happy, reprise

Yesterday, one of my regular customers (one who I have barely talked to that much) announced out of nowhere that he had a Christmas present in his car for me, and then walked away.

I got uncomfortable as all of the other girls gave me a weird stare, and then he suddenly appeared again and handed me a framed picture, and said, "From one Midwesterner to another. It's a little piece of home." And it was a black and white picture of a lonely barn out in the middle of nowhere, Illinois.
I started crying.
I didn't know what to do. I haven't been back since May, and I know I'm going back in January, but it is just the time of year, and the fact that in all of my fuzzy-headed foolishness and mayhem, it was a reminder of the solid rock I have to stand on in the Midwest, and the solid rock I have in Jesus, who sees my loneliness and wants to take care of me.
"I'm going to hang it up in my room," I told him, not knowing what else to do, and if I was supposed to hug him or what. But now the photograph is sitting on my desk and I can't stop staring at it when I come in and out of the room, and it's become its own person, living there, haunting me when I wake and when I brush my teeth and it says to me, "Have you made all the right decisions? Are you really supposed to stay in Salt Lake?" But what I mumble back to the photograph is that it doesn't know what it is talking about and to stop trying to break my heart.

And then we all went to a women's basketball game, and Wesley threw up real vomit on us, which was disgusting but we still got smothered burritos anyway, after we'd cleaned up and changed.

And this is my life. 
Getting thrown up on.
Working out with Emily and Philip and Krista, and Ken asking me if my parents are Calvinist.
Sleeping long naps in the afternoon and killing my plants slowly by forgetting to open up the blinds.


But after today, there will be a little more sunlight in each day, because God is kind enough to give us seasons so we don't think we're living the same days over and over again.

I'll be right here, lying in the hands of God

Me: I'm going to be this soldier, because he has a mustache.
3-year-old Elias: My dad has a mustache.
Me: No, I don't think he does. I've never seen him with a mustache?
Elias: Well he does. He hides it behind his hair.
Me: Oh.....okay.
Elias: God has a mustache too.
Me: Really? How do you know?
Elias: When you get to Heaven, you will know too.


When I am strong, I am very strong, and I wish I could bottle up the strength and save it for my weak moments and take a sip and feel strong again. 
Sometimes I go to God so grateful, and sometimes I come to Him in a panic and tell him I doubt all the goodness He seems to think he has for me.

My poor, beautiful Elaine, who has so much more hurt in her life right now than I know what to do with, she sat on the floor at 4:45am this morning while I brewed 6 pitchers of tea and said, "Do you ever wish that God would just tell you whether you are wasting your time or whether to make a move?"
"Yes," I said.
"Like, I just wish I knew when it was time to give up, and move down a different road."
"Exactly," I said.

I can't wait for that day that God tells me what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'll just keep asking Him everyday and make thousands of cups of coffee in the meantime.

Elias: Why are you laughing at me?
Me: Because I think you are really funny.
Elias: No. I'm not funny.
Me: Why wouldn't you want to be funny? Everyone wants to be funny!
Elias: I want to be a serious boy.

Let's start over.

Personally, I really don't know what's going on.
That's why I haven't been writing anything.

My heart isn't saying anything, and my head is just saying "I love Jesus, I love America, I love Starbucks."
And maybe the last two things are foolish to admit somedays, but there is grace for that. Also, I may be brainwashed from getting up at 3:45am to brew coffee for crazy men.

 So here are some quotes.

"It's weird but, when I lean over like this, I can feel it squishing my baby. (long pause....) So maybe I shouldn't be doing that anymore."
-pregnant Elaine

"Dalmatians always die of cancer. I guarantee every single one of the 101 dalmatians died of cancer."
-Philip

"Run hard good and faithful servant! Just kidding. Go burn some calories."
-Ken

conjugation

"I've been trying to do it right.

I've been living a lonely life.

I've been sleeping here instead,

I've been sleeping in my bed."

-The Lumineers

she resists 

she resisted 

she is resisting 

she will resist

It is a daily fight. A daily thorn.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:23