"Let's not forget ourselves dear friend: I am flawed if I'm not free."

Finally, as the days become colder. For the first time in a year and half, I feel like my head is fully above water. Like, maybe its even my turn to sit on the beach and just...bask. The changes in my life are good (and dang, it's been a while).

I've been working out for a solid 3 weeks, and my body feels stronger. I accepted a job offer. I colored my hair back to dark, and wore jeans for the first time yesterday. I'm taking a break from the band. I feel all sorts of weight lifted off of my shoulders.
I feel free.

You know what I did last night? I played South Park Pinball for like, an hour at NickleMania. And I don't think I feel bad about this. I've never played pinball before. And if you get the ball in the hole next to Kenny four times, he will fall over dead, and that's way cool.

Also ate Este for Justin's birthday. I had this morning off so I slept in. I'm saying farewell to free time forever so I am just not doing ANYTHING today.

My first week of college is great so far. I gave up on the bus ever coming though, so I took my car all the way downtown and then TRAXed up and ran into Ten, Ben, and Niels. And when I ran into Ben he said he had a class down in the anthropology building, and I said, "Oh I love that building, it's cute like an old old old elementary school!" And then I wondered how I knew that, and remembered that I had a thing for a while that I was trying to go to the bathroom in every department/building on campus. I have accomplished a lot of these bathrooms by now, I hope you know.

My first teacher of the day sounds like McDreamy if you close your eyes, and also has a big nose which I like. And two of the books for his class have naked ladies on them, so you know it'll be good. I read a poem called Don Juan in Hell and I like to say this to myself now and then because it slips off the tongue.

My second teacher spits a lot.

And then after that I found Emily on a grassy knoll, and we went and bought our books together. We are making a friendship that really works.

I then drove past Shannon's Starbucks and did a U-turn when I saw her car, and ended up hanging out with Scrib, Soper, and the D'Amicos all night by accident, which was really wonderful.

I guess I don't mind being a student forever.

I'm starting my 5th year of college tomorrow.
And no I'm not a grad student.

I'm going to recreate my own Salad Days, I'm too young for all of this to be over. Maybe you held my hand in the future. It's what I hope for, it's what I see in the pictures people will take of us--to come.And I know we'll learn a lot. We'll forget our older sins. We'll erase memories of other lovers and rivers and text messages. We'll get down on our hands and knees; we'll write checks to poor people, we'll stop eating all the marshmallows out of the boxes of Lucky Charms. We'll love so deeply that we'll actually look out for each other, when the other is not around. Won't gossip, won't belittle. This is a new thing I'm saying.

I think I realized at the Dave Matthews concert that I could commit to one person for the rest of my life. And I still felt it all the mornings of 5 a.m. afterward.

I miss you now, I guess like I should have missed you then

One thing I really love is the Cardio Cinema at Gold's. I love to watch a movie and walk for an hour by accident. You don't even notice the time go by. I left the cinema to lift weights in the girl's room, and I could still hear Transformers through the wall, and I wanted to tell the other girls, "When I was in there, it was a really nice time, and I miss it."

"Well, if all you wanted was a hug from a black person, maybe you should have just hosted The Price Is Right."
-Tracy Jordan/Morgan

"I LOVED being pregnant. Everything about it."
"Why? Did you feel special?"
-Shannon, then Ashlie

I woke up one morning, and after looking at the calendar, I realized I had been asleep for possibly 4 months, and that someone has changed my hair blond. Someone also left documents all over my desk, and put a lot of miles on my car.
This impostor, she bought several bottles of perfume on my credit card.
She left me notes on what she'd been doing the last few months.

And you know what, I have no memory of the years before this last one. The men are wiped away. The automobile accidents and the softer, fonder memories are gone. My heart is in one piece as if it hadn't been broken a few times, and for all I know, it never was broken.

I snapped out of it at the Hobby Lobby.
"These fake roses feel so realistic." Emma said.
"Yes, even the thorns are hurtful." Noah replied. I took a long sip of espresso, and I had to laugh.

"Your German-ness is....it makes coffee. That's too black."
-The minister in Sweetland which is a cute movie

"Well, they have to work in the morning, so they can't stay up late."
"Everyone has to work in the morning," I said.
"Not me." He said.
"Yeah me either," I admitted.
"I don't have to do a single thing." He told me. "No one will know if I do anything at all," he said.
I collapsed on the couch. "Yeah, me too," I admitted to him again. Didn't know if he could hear me or not, with the sound of automatic guns scrambling around his skull. And in that moment, I realized he was the only one I wanted to spend that moment with.
We turned on the DVD player.

"Lionsgate." He murmered. "That's who puts out all the horror movies!" He says.
"Seriously?" I ask him. And I think, "It is me who will be cherishing this moment in 10 years. And me who will still be laying here in this house, afraid to move on.

I once had a conversation with Zach that was something to the extent of, when girls look in the mirror, they think, "Oh my gosh, look at that blemish, look at how tired I look before putting on mascara, So-n-So is going to think my hair looks greasy," and for boys, they wake up and look in the mirror and think, "Man, I look good today. Every babe is gonna want me."

And I forgot about it til I was looking in the mirror just now, replaying something I read from a plastic surgeon who said he could tell you what side you usually sleep on by how your face looks. All of the sudden (while remember what side I do sleep on) my face looked smashed in on one side. Completely unsymmetrical and gory. And then I took a deep breath.

I think you can see whatever you want to when you look in the mirror.

After working out, I usually swear I can see where inches are melting away. This is positive reinforcement. Its hard to remember, but when I'm looking at someone I love, I can't see anything wrong--a single hair out of place-- and I hope the same thing of those who love me.

I've been having a lot of nightmares. Usually one or two every night, and wake up with my heart racing.
But in general, I am very happy. I think this year will definitely be better than the last, and I am looking forward to winter.
I can't wait for snow and warm coffee, and freezing night with heavy covers, but most of all, I can't wait for fall fashion. Hoodies, jeans, gorgeous jackets, and boots. I think about it every time I put on a pair of shorts. I am counting down the days.

The only thing I know how to make sense of what just happened me at the library is this: A Chinese man thought I was his cousin? As I walked up the sidewalk, he kept staring back at me, and while this is rude, it is not unheard of. I even have "one of those faces" and figured that was it. Finally as we walk into the library and I remove my sunglasses, he takes a final glance, at me, and turns around smiling.
"You see, I though you were my aldskjfalskdjf," he says
"Your what?"
"My crasdfin." It sort of sounded like cousin, but I finally had to just nod and smile, because it is rude to not understand someone with an accent after they have repeated their sentence.
"Ahhhh," I said, wanting to return my books, thinking he'd walk away now that he explained why he was staring.
But he just kept talking. It took me probably half a paragraph to even understand any of the words he was saying, so I just kept nodding and smiling, thinking he'd walk away, because he was distractedly looking around the library. But no chance. Finally I understood a sentence.
"You are a student?" He asked.
"Yes, at the university."
"And how you study?"
"I study English."
"Ahhhhhhh." This was a huge joke to him. "You become teacher?"
"Oh maybe. Maybe not."
And this launched a discourse on the fall of America, and how while once the English language prevailed, it won't for very much longer. And he even threw in the Soviet Union at one point. After very little prompt from me (where I'm from, where I work) he went on and on about Starbucks and John Denver, and I tried to keep taking steps back from him, as he was being loud, and we were in a library. And finally, just as quickly as it started, he eventually just walked away from me, saying, "Have fun with English," and I yelled, "Have a nice day," while running away. I lost interest in scoping out new books over the fear of him trapping me for hours in conversation in what is supposed to be a very lonely building.

I feel that strangers who love to talk too much to strangers seek me out. This is just another fault of me smiling too much...