The district sleeps alone tonight

Drink coffee. Run miles. Count to five. Praise God and Walk with Him. Repeat again tomorrow.

free will

There is this setting on the game The Sims (or at least there was on an older version that I used to play) where you can turn off the Sims' free will, and they have to wait for you to give them direction.

I've been thinking about that  a lot this week, because I've been getting really tired, and sometimes I just

stand in one place, and wait for direction.

The Sims really won't protest unless they start having to go to the bathroom, or are really hungry. But I usually just stand there for a minute, trying to remember what I was doing, and then just think about absolutely nothing.

I'm always running these experiments on what times of day work best for sleep and for awake, and I turn into a robot, a little bit.
But I had a great weekend, laughing and dancing and going to the art show and church and frisbee.

You can really do new things everyday, if you want. Why would you tie yourself down with such a tight rope?

Source: appleday.tumblr.com via Kathy on Pinterest

Sometimes when I am talking to my dad on the phone, I hear a young man, who sounds like one of my brothers. He sounds so young, I forget we are related for a minute, and I think we are friends, and that it is still the 80's and we're just chatting about whether or not my car is going to blow up when I drive it down the street.

We turned out kind of different, but we turned out kind of the same. I'm so blessed with the life God picked for me, and with the family I have.

I found a jar of peanut butter in the plates and bowls cupboard, so I also know I'm not the only one going crazy around here.

Quotes Thursday

Text I received from Megan:
"You can write down this quote from me..."Dogs are just amazing people!" "

Inception quote?

"Every time I get Champagne for Christmas, I get pregnant."
-Alyssa G

wherever you are

Well, wow. I really haven't been updating lately. 13 days just comes and goes. Quickly, thank goodness, because that means the paychecks do too.

I sort of feel like I've been drowning this week, but I guess you have to have the salty to taste the sweet.
Finally got to Friday night without letting handsome strangers talk me into speed-skating dates, or leaving town or any of that.
Had a wonderful seven hour Italian dinner with some best friends that just get better the older we get. I like that.
I guess, even though I am stressed out every time I see a new wrinkle under my eyes (must cut back on Wes Anderson makeup) I am at least glad that we're all growing older together, while we get to. I know my parents said goodbye to a lot of really great friends due to church-planting, but I hope we have a little while before any of that which leads me to...

I said no to the store opening in Wyoming. Or at least told my boss I didn't want to interview for it anymore. My heart was just not excited about it anymore, and I'd rather pour my time into people here, and go to barbecues and frisbee games than live in a resort town for six weeks with a fake-ish smile on my face. She also offered me a position as shift manager which I turned down as well, because I don't want to feel more loyalty to my retail job than I really need to. My heart is too full of love and I'll end up being here for 10 years making zero money, and still living in my parents basement.
Grow up already! you may be saying.
I'm trying! is my response.
"That's what you get for having such a good attitude at work, I guess," is what my boss says.

And some days are so lonely that you think you're going to start coughing up blood because your heart is hemorrhaging or whatever. Gross. You look around at all your friends that you love, and you know that they're there for you, but you just don't even know what to say. You start a text message, and then delete it. It's something your Creator only knows how to deal with, and love you through it.  It hurts, but there is Grace. And because of grace, there is also whiskey, which is a great medicine for chest pain.

There is new life in tomorrow.

"He has his dad's smile and his mom's angry eyes."
-Stesha

what you meant by that

I bit down a little too hard on the chicken wing and then that thing of my tooth is going to hurt for 5 minutes and serve as a general warning of you could have chipped your tooth, and you might, next time, so be more careful was happening to me, and the kid was staring at me, and I was staring at him back, but not really thinking about anything, and I was wondering if he was doing the same, but the hard part about kids is that they are letting on that they know less than they really do. Their brains are working better than you think, but they just have sillier ways of communicating that they haven’t ironed out yet.

What I thought was, people make you nervous, but they are just people. And some of the people are good at taking pictures that look like they’re from Hollywood, or that they are snobby, when really they just live in an apartment downtown, and they get lonely and spend the night cutting up their junk mail too, sometimes. But I wished I could see it for myself. I wish I could see that girl with the beautiful hair, what she looks like when she’s in sweats, and when she has some bad acne, and has been putting off her dishes for a while. I wish I could be there so that I could secretly feel better than her, and quit thinking her pictures were so Hollywood, because I knew her real story and had looked through her garbage when I used her toilet, and why did she let me in her house! (ha ha, what a fool) but then you also have to realize that you both have a common denominator such as having to do laundry, and having to get in your car when it is freezing in the morning.

You think that the kid is seeing this in you, and you start to have a question for the kid, but then let it die on your lips. You think that he can see that you are a bore, and that you are super fake but you want to just get out of there, like maybe apply another coat of lip gloss in the bathroom or maybe you will just stare at this TV or that TV and pretend you know what is going on in that specific sport that is appearing there, and wish someone would say something to you about NPR or coffee or working out or something that you know how to talk about, and you realize that you are a real person. Nobody knows it. Nobody knows how you dance in your kitchen. Nobody knows that you talk to your dog like it can really hear you. If they knew, they’d stop moving so far away from you. They’d start inviting you to their parties. They’d get their picture taken with you and they’d even like it. They’d stop breaking up with you. They’d realize old stuff and new stuff. You’d be at the same place, at the same time, looking into each other’s eyes, and it would be like the perfect vow to be together all the time, and they’d really mean it like you mean it.

For good. Because life isn’t really that long.

building

The lent thing has been going okay. I've been observing Feast Sunday since last Sunday, because we were going out with some of the guys from a store in my same parking lot, and they had a lot of home brew that we needed to help them drink, and it just seemed like a wise decision, because of finishing strong instead of giving up and whatever.

Ken quit, 9 days ago. I found out from one of the other guys at my gym, and it was a little bit heartbreaking, for reasons not just about getting free personal training, but just having my gym owner be a Christian, and to see him everyday at Starby's...it is just really sad. I don't know what he's going to do now.

But I've been climbing more, which is great. I go with this girl I met at Starbucks, and I'm trying to work up the courage to invite her to church, even though it seems like she and her husband are kind of anti.  

 Training at work, to become a trainer for new hires. One of the things that I've been talking about that was up around the bend is this: my manager recommended me for this new store opening in another state, and so I'm training for it and going to interview with my DM sometime soon. I would be gone for 4 to 6 weeks, but it would be an adventure, and help me pay off some bills, and give me some time alone with God, and it would be a whole new batch of coworkers to Simply Sow with. I'm already feeling homesick about it, but hopefully I would get a few days off in a row, here and there, to drive back to Utah. It's way less time away than joining the army!

Anyway. So that's what's up. I think I'm doing pretty well. I gave blood on Monday and my resting heart rate was 60, and my blood pressure was 100/72. I felt so proud and healthy when the girl told me, and when it comes down to it, being done with college is such a stress-free life. I feel so mentally healthy, but want to go looking for obstacles some days. Maybe after this summer, I'll even start looking for a grown up job.