"Nathaniel, you know there are three things I love in life.
Money,
the pleasures that money affords me,
and you."

-Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl (yes I watch that show, whoops.)

There on the other side of the court yard was him. And for 45 seconds, I pretended not to notice, but suddenly, I am standing in front of him acutely aware of yes how good I look in neon and the way his tattoos stood out brightly in the shade. I had an italian hoagie ($2.95, and a cup of coffee $1.56) and I look down at where he is sitting and say, "Hello, how are you." And he says to me, "Rachel, I can see your headache hasn't gone away, and it probably never will," and I smile because he just knows me so well, but I don't have time to spend the rest of my life with him, as he is pushing up his glasses on his nose. "I have to get to Biblical Poetry and its legacy," I say, holding the king james plus apocrypha. "But later on," and I nod, and he nods.
Sometimes it is easier to have love if the leaves would fall off the tree so I could wear a hoodie.

A moment happened today, which was just like all the moments when I first sold my soul to Starbucks 14 months ago.
I had too much coffee.

Sometimes this is what it takes to survive, but sometimes it is just a drug thing, or an alcohol thing where you say, "I need to feel different in a moment than I do right now," whether or not this gives you chest pains.

Anyway, I was standing at the drive thru for a moment, waiting for the next car, when all tbe sudden it pulls up and I think to myself, that woman has ugly hair. And then I start screaming, because that is not a woman that I am seeing out the window. It is an ugly dog driving the car! And woman-dog is barking at me. So I do another short scream before the woman pulls fully to the window, and I see that is not a dog-woman, that is a woman with Dog on her lap. And I take a step back and scream again.

Well it is at least the hardest I've laughed since Audrey told me the story of peeing on the carpet when she got a puppy.

"One of my favorite things in the world is when I ask somebody if they're hungry, and they are, and I am too."
-Celisse


Today I met Shannon and Tony's beautiful little boy. He looks just like Tony. And they look tired. Celisse and I brought them Este Pizza and smiled a lot and it was mostly like regular hanging out, except there is a baby now, and we were in the hospital. I've never watched anyone pregnant like I have with Shannon, start to finish, so it was pretty great to hold the little guy in my arms and think about how two days ago at Ikea, I put my hand on her belly and felt him kicking at it from the other side of her skin. I can see him running around, future Leonardo. It gives me a little hope in a very unhopeful week.

Things are breakable. And cherishable. And I need to remember my memories.

"I wonder how many smiles I've smiled in my whole life."
-Nick D'Amico

One day we'll wake up the standard. No clicks or malfunctions or sugary drinks. It would be something like the old days but unhindered by tired rubbing of our eyes, and unwritten in Latin.