Well, I knew it would be a slippery slope to come back to Iowa.

I just can't remember times that I woke up happy everyday, like I do in Iowa. Every fragrance in the air is pure, and the colors seem brighter, and everything tastes richer.

If I was a scientist, I would think something about what is going on in my brain, and words like serotonin and oxytocin would come up.
But I'm not a scientist, so I just think I'm happy.

These are the worst nights as I remember them

The top worst night of my life was in 2006 at a club in Ogden that I went to with Ashley, to see Billy play with Fear Before, and I hadn't slept for almost 40 hours, and I was sick, and she disappeared with Billy at some point, and I remember thinking in the bathroom with hardcore music thrashing through the walls, that if there was an easy way to kill myself I would have done it, because I didn't have enough cash on me to take a taxi back to the suburbs or even SLC. It's hard to describe how you can get in a mindset like that, but there I was.

The second worst night of my life was driving home from my grandmother's funeral in September of 2009, with the weight of everything that was happening at that point in time, and it was raining, and I was driving down the canyon, and I didn't want to end my life so much as I couldn't possibly see a way that it was going to be able to keep going.

Last night was probably the third worst night of my life as I sat freezing on the side of the interstate for hours, waiting, and embarrassed, for my dad to come and save me from car trouble, and also to release my brother of his duty to me, as he was having a freak-out session of his own. Jacking the car up over and over, and nothing seeming to work.

But this time, I think I was calmer (at least, more than Philip was at the moment), and what I am learning is that
God is sovereign and in control of everything.
In the end I am a spoiled white girl, and even laying in my bed, still shivering for an hour afterward, I was so glad that I had a father who came to save me: the daughter who stayed out too late and had no recourse. I also have a Father who has saved me, the sinner, from the wicked life I've built for myself. At three a.m. I saw this picture of unconditional love.

And the answer is that, God is good, even though I want to close my eyes to it so much of the time, and I want my own timing. He shows up in ways I can't believe.

on Civilization and its Discontents
I think one of the biggest things I've been mulling on this semester is Freud. I never planned to read him in my life because I think he's a quack for not believing in God. But it's interesting how he talks about what a bummer society is to live in, and that Civilization might provide us a lot of protection (probably now more than ever as far as medicine is concerned) but it makes us unhappy. I like to picture myself moving out into the woods or moving to a farm in Minnesota and never thinking about Dolce and Gabanna or eating sushi or watching VH1. I watched Sweet Land again last night, but this time with my family, and by the end, my dad, mom and I were all choking up.
I don't want to live with regret that I didn't go back to let the Midwest be part of my growing older. I don't know if God can let me do this or not, as far as: I hope it is His plan and I'm afraid that it is not.

I know that there is work for me here, but I also know what calls to me is the amber waves of grain, my grandmother's kitchen, and the love that you just can't find in the mountains here.

So I did go back to bed, you know?
And I stayed there. First I listened to Natalie Merchant and then Rufus Wainright's version of Hallelujah a few times, pulled the covers up over my head, and fell asleep til 2:38. I am afraid of everything at this point. What every day is like, without structure. It makes me nervous thinking about it even right now.

Kelsea got me to leave my bed and follow her around town to Starbucks with Zach and Matt Miller, and then to a series of stores for Christmas shopping. I didn't find anything for anyone else, but bought myself the best of the Pixies. Then we went up to the University, for one of the last times to her dorm, so she could write her R.A. a cryptic note about her leaving for good, put some toothpaste in the holes in the wall, and then came back to our own town for band practice.

So, I like music. And that is one reason to get out of bed, I think. At least today. I'm not so afraid of tomorrow, because of music.

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground..."
-Pixies