When I am near you, I see what you love so clearly. No one else knows that you are repeating yourself, in your own kitchen.
Somehow, I don't get tired of it. I just love you.
More.


My ride home tonight was strange. It was snowing, and I was crying, as I pulled of the freeway, and once I finally got to the stop light (traffic was merged to one lane, and even though it was midnight, these guys were out working on the road, and there was bad traffic) And this man, I saw him jump up into this backhoe in the middle of the intersection. He stood wiping the wet snow off the seat of the backhoe, and I felt sympathy for him, in the middle of my self pity, I stopped thinking of myself. When he sat down, his jeans were going to get wet. And how long did he have to be out there on state street anyway? Til six in the morning? What? I was obviously staring straight at him. I didn't have anything else to look at, and I was unashamed. He was staring at me, back. From underneath his hard hat, and over his sweatshirt he had pulled up over his nose, he stared back. I was friends with him. We were old pals.
And just like that, the light turned green, and we both forgot about each other. I zoomed through the intersection, and he waited for the next car to stop at the light and make friends with him all over again.

I don't have anything left.
ANYTHING. I am less of a personality at the end of this week than I was at the beginning. I am foolish, I am flawed.
And it's like, oh well.

To do before I'm twenty (an abridged version):

-ride a roller coaster (never done that)
-drive a motorcycle (see first item on list)
-stop cutting my hair
-grow some flowers
-spend a day with God
-fall in love for the first time (maybe)
-Go back to Colorado
-breathe underwater
-do something very "un"Rachel (call in sick and go see a movie? leave the country?)
-see the ocean
-drink coffee in Portland
-watch Magnolia
-break a bad habit
-do something nice for somebody else

My dog is hacking something up upstairs and I just spilled my entire cup of coffee on my desk.

I still don't know what I am doing, and what to do with my life. I dropped one of my harder Spring semester classes, and replaced it with Yoga and Bowling to fulfill the credits. I'm sort of excited.
Maybe after the Christmas break I will want to go back to school. Who knows.

I want to sit down and make a list of things I want to accomplish before I'm twenty. Will update on this later; I'm taking suggestions...

"Set your mind on the head pin, not on the side pins."
Pocket 5:19


(Tony)



It's Tuesday. I'm finding lately that I need to be redundant with myself about what day it is. Yesterday (which was, yes Rachel, Monday) I sent the tube back out to the drive through and said, "There ya go, have a great weekend!" And the poor old couple stared at me for a few seconds while I turned red and did not correct my mistake. I think what I meant was "Have a nice holiday." or "Happy Thanksgiving," but somehow these all run together in my head like coke does.

We left it feeling fresh in some other atmosphere and we forget to tell you what it feels like and we also forget to care. It was a phone flipping open and shut and different hours to think in different languages.

It was seventeen shivering seconds before we met in the car and buckled ourselves in.
It was the truth.

It was reclaiming broken soldiers who were hazed by the sounds of bombs. It was showing them what it meant to be warriors.
The good side, whether or not I can feel my fingers.

"No, not the Indians from India. The ones from South America or Mexico or Wyoming."
-Kels

I dreamed that Gabriel was four years old and Hannah went and got him tattooed. He had an entire sleeve. A little four year old boy with a sleeve. Even in my dream I had some questions. Was it legal? Was it going to stretch out as he grew up?

I dreamed that Tanya and I quit Chase and we were both working at Walmart with Bryan. We had to drive about three hours to get to work each day so we carpooled.

I love dreams. I always make a point to remember them when I get to sleep in. Last week when I got to sleep in I had a dream that Tony and Philip and I were going to rob a credit union. But I chickened out and we ended up just going to get a burrito at Chipotle.

I've started a new goal of each day to pick something that makes my entire day. That way, at least one amazing thing happened to me, and anything else is just bonus.
For instance, I ran into Eddie yesterday when I was studying at SLCC. (I don't go there anymore, it's just a convenient place to study that's not my noisy house) We both stared at each other and tried to remember who we were and then suddenly we were talking, even though in the 6 years I was in love with him, I never got the courage up to talk to him. We would always just stare at each other when we ran into one another at Jordan. So it was no big surprise that we just picked up where we left off. But anyway, I realized I was still in love with him, and it made my day.

Today I got some great Bowling Bible verses from Bryan and Tony and they made my day. I'll share them with you so you can be happy.

"For the LORD is Perfect, he cannot tolerate a spare. He looks down on gutters."
Strikealations 7:10 (Bryan)

"For those who don't strive to bowl, don't strive to be like the Lord, and therefore do not know the love our Lord offers."
Bowlariah 11:8 (Bryan)

"Doing your best will not get you to heaven, so be perfect and bowl a 300, for I am perfect said the Lord."
Bruinswick 4:9 (Tony)

but I'd rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you

salt fingers, cuts, yes cuts. Hold an amp in your arms. No, please feel this way when you sit on the couch, and then never feel that way again. Take a picture. Your eyes have never looked that way before, to me, and it shuts down my heart to never love. A tube of paint? Dirty in the morning, dirty at night. With only seven cups of coffee to keep her moving, honey? How's she gonna do that tomorrow and the next day, with sticky fingers and skinny jeans?
I don't have words, anymore. I don't think straight, anymore.
The only thing I know is Jesus.
The only thing that keeps me free is Jesus.
The only way my heart is clean enough to get out of bed in the morning and look you in the eyes is Jesus.

eventually my mouth will just turn to dust.

On Wednesday, Billy was doing something interesting with Brittni's pedal board. It was like he was recording and looping himself, or something. Maybe it was just reaaaaally long delay.
But the stuff he plays and makes up on the spot is some of the saddest stuff I've ever heard. When he plays it and it loops over and over, I want to live in that pedal board. In that amp. I want to sleep there and have that be the music of my life.

Sometimes I think music is the only productive part left of my life. I mean, I make money to pay my bills day after day, and I'm going to school...but for what and for who? Its going to burn.

I had a little nervous breakdown after creative writing class today. But instead of smoking or running away I just went bowling at the union. As Walter from the Big Lebowski would say, "Fuck it, let's roll." So I did that.
After two horrible games (lots of strikes, but not so many pins total...) I walked out of the Union and went straight past the building my next class was in, and started heading toward my car. But then about halfway there I started crying and turned around. I am not very good at skipping school anymore, no matter what kind of existential identity problems I am having mid-afternoon. Besides, I hadn't seen William in two weeks.
So I walked into class fifteen minutes late, because I am a weird girl who bowls between classes. But it was good I went, or I would have missed a quiz and a prompt for the paper we're supposed to write this week. Hmmm. William stuck his tongue out at me from across the room.
Our teacher had two Muslim girls come to class today and give the class an overview of why some Muslim women choose to wear the coverings, and tried to explain that they were not being oppressed by their husbands. They were very sweet.
At the very end, one of them said something that really hit me. She said, "At the very least there are now twenty more people in this country that will not look at us strangely when we are walking through the airport."
White people are assholes sometimes. I am an asshole sometimes.
I want to live my life with more compassion. I forget how privileged I am most days.

This is what I feel like when I feel like nothing matters.
Like when all I get excited about is warm coffee and 2:30 when Bob shows up.

I do like playing the bass guitar.
I do like paint...paint everywhere.

I'm trying to convince myself I'm alright and I'm doing a horrible job.

Tanya gave me a really strange look today that I've never gotten from her before. I came back to work during the lunch rush, and she was on the phone, and I pulled out a V8 and gave it to her just because we are friends. She gave me a friendship look. I took a picture in my mind.

I am scattered tonight. I am in boxes in the garage. I am in dresser drawers. I am locked in the vault running low on oxygen. I am speaking Spanish.

"You have the word s-e-x in your bathroom."
-Kelsea

My week in review:
...I read my Bible every day, which I'm pretty happy about. Its funny what an affect it has on you just to get up and read your Bible and eat oatmeal. It's a destresser for sure.
...I went bowling..of course.
...I went to bed at 9:30 on Halloween, just because.
...I saw my first zombie movie. (I think I'm hooked.)
...had a wonderful dream
...switched great music with Roy
...met Brittni and Hannah for breakfast
...and I fell apart at the finish line, which I've been hoping would happen for a while. When you just bottle things up, it has to come out somehow. Maybe not in the burger king parking lot, but oh well.

I hate waking up to no milk on a Sunday morning. What a bummer.