if the medication works, could i be the way I was?
in control...
you painted a picture
i'm the worst type of sinner you know
you painted a picture
happier than I could afford-
nobody can save me...
-sugarcult
Friday with the fam. I come home and their is pizza, and pop, and my family is lovely, and I remember why I still live here, why I didn't run away when I felt like it.
Tonight I might write a story. Watch a movie. Take a vacation from my problems. I'll probably go to bed.
"Okay Todd, tell me all your deepest darkest secrets."
"Are you going to make me bleed?"
"You think I've snapped!"
Thursday, December 09, 2004
"welcome yourself to this world: hope you enjoy your stay.
help yourself to this world: its rapidly passing away..."
-steele
I was going to write a song for you, but I forgot the words.
My head hurt till I took some strong medication, then it hurt less, and I got out of all of yearbook for newspaper loveliness. Newspaper is the only reason I really woke up this morning. My head was floating around, and Mrs. Johnson went off on some creepy tangent, so I pulled my sweatshirt up to my eyes, and hid under it, as much as I could without actually "having my hoodie on", and tried to block her and her strong perfume out of my bubble.
Must watch something Jane Austin or Shakespeare, I feel a sudden lack of English in my world. Good day.
help yourself to this world: its rapidly passing away..."
-steele
I was going to write a song for you, but I forgot the words.
My head hurt till I took some strong medication, then it hurt less, and I got out of all of yearbook for newspaper loveliness. Newspaper is the only reason I really woke up this morning. My head was floating around, and Mrs. Johnson went off on some creepy tangent, so I pulled my sweatshirt up to my eyes, and hid under it, as much as I could without actually "having my hoodie on", and tried to block her and her strong perfume out of my bubble.
Must watch something Jane Austin or Shakespeare, I feel a sudden lack of English in my world. Good day.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"take heart, take heart...as if I had a heart..."
-girls singing by my car
parties at the Porters
Jeff and Brenda Porter are quite possibly my very first nomination for "Interesting Couple of the Century". We were just sitting there, at their party, and he gets up and gives a word or two, and says, "Honey, do you have anything to say?"
"Amen," she replies.
"She has nothing to say?" He is puzzled, and is handing out Christmas Carol sheets. Apparently we're going to break out in Silent Night right in the middle of the party. I'm getting lightheaded because there are alot of people in the room using up my oxygen, plus I'm singing very long notes. So I'm already goony, and Mike Lemonjello is shouting, "Sell it on ebay! What do you get for that Norm?"
"Is it new?"
"Mint in the package."
"$800." And I can't stop giggling, which makes me more lightheaded.
I'm standing around the soda-table with three sound-guys and a few bassplayers, and it's nice, because me and Kelsea fit right in. I'm like, "How unusual to have us music people all around one table," then I realize that it is a musically-themed church party. And I get it. Mike Lemonjello is whispering to me secrets about how to trick the soundguys into letting me be louder.
Lee is mad that I would even think of touching my amp, and he is telling me to move to Europe so I can listen to techno and loud bass. And I spill my 6th cup of Pepsi under a chair, and feel bad cuz the Porter's have nice carpet.
Forgive me if I'm unchronological. I'm going backwards.
I sat in the car with her, like I always do, and the music is loud, so we are screaming at each other til she turns it down to get really passionate about the song. "How long, how long, will we live in a place called Vertigo?" and I am smiling, because she wants to rock like U2, forever, and I think that our music will be played on movies during the important parts.
I just remember taking walks with him, after I'd had a breakdown, and he would tell me what life was, and we could see our breath as we walked through the night down Del Clair Road, and sometimes I miss that. I remember that J.D. said that the world was all wrong, and Dad would nod and say it's all gonna burn.
I remember being six years old, being pretty sure I had lung disease when the car windows were shut, and how that progressed into a hypochondria that I've recently tried to murder.
Life is funny sometimes when you can't get back onto the chair you were so sure of. Sorry for a long post.
-girls singing by my car
parties at the Porters
Jeff and Brenda Porter are quite possibly my very first nomination for "Interesting Couple of the Century". We were just sitting there, at their party, and he gets up and gives a word or two, and says, "Honey, do you have anything to say?"
"Amen," she replies.
"She has nothing to say?" He is puzzled, and is handing out Christmas Carol sheets. Apparently we're going to break out in Silent Night right in the middle of the party. I'm getting lightheaded because there are alot of people in the room using up my oxygen, plus I'm singing very long notes. So I'm already goony, and Mike Lemonjello is shouting, "Sell it on ebay! What do you get for that Norm?"
"Is it new?"
"Mint in the package."
"$800." And I can't stop giggling, which makes me more lightheaded.
I'm standing around the soda-table with three sound-guys and a few bassplayers, and it's nice, because me and Kelsea fit right in. I'm like, "How unusual to have us music people all around one table," then I realize that it is a musically-themed church party. And I get it. Mike Lemonjello is whispering to me secrets about how to trick the soundguys into letting me be louder.
Lee is mad that I would even think of touching my amp, and he is telling me to move to Europe so I can listen to techno and loud bass. And I spill my 6th cup of Pepsi under a chair, and feel bad cuz the Porter's have nice carpet.
Forgive me if I'm unchronological. I'm going backwards.
I sat in the car with her, like I always do, and the music is loud, so we are screaming at each other til she turns it down to get really passionate about the song. "How long, how long, will we live in a place called Vertigo?" and I am smiling, because she wants to rock like U2, forever, and I think that our music will be played on movies during the important parts.
I just remember taking walks with him, after I'd had a breakdown, and he would tell me what life was, and we could see our breath as we walked through the night down Del Clair Road, and sometimes I miss that. I remember that J.D. said that the world was all wrong, and Dad would nod and say it's all gonna burn.
I remember being six years old, being pretty sure I had lung disease when the car windows were shut, and how that progressed into a hypochondria that I've recently tried to murder.
Life is funny sometimes when you can't get back onto the chair you were so sure of. Sorry for a long post.
Monday, December 06, 2004
"I like my wife. She's pretty."
"You don't have a wife Noah," Philip tells my seven-year-old brother who is unaware of the fact that he is not married.
As I was cleaning toilets and thinking about what kind of story I was going to fabricate about my life, I slowly realized I had no idea where the keys I was suppose to lock up with were. They were gone. So I looked all over, and the night soon became long, and I still didn't have my keys, and there was no one left after Jordan was gone, except Kelsea. So we began to search the school's secret files, and look through compartments we weren't suppose to know about to find the spare key. At one moment, while I was on the phone with an information supplier (a.k.a. one willing to leak intell), Kelsea found the keys, and turned off the light. She hung up my phone, and we walked out of the office, trying to go unseen by the security cameras. We were sneaking along walls, and trying to not set off alarms. I was moving a cart so it wouldn't trigger a reaction with the sensors, but it was scraping too close to the wall, and I watched as I blew the face off of an outlet. I watched blue sparks and smelled smoke, and Kelsea and I set the alarms and ran. It was the most fun I've had at work since I stole Jordan's mop bucket and ran right into the wall and water splashed 10 feet high.
I've had a decent-ish Monday. I did wake up late, and that sucked. Morbid dreams. But all around....
"I was thinking, this one time, that this girl evolved from a dandelion. You know, just in case."
-verbatim of what Jordan said to me when I was checking myself out in the mirror. (my life is not in sections, it is all one piece that scares me.)
"You don't have a wife Noah," Philip tells my seven-year-old brother who is unaware of the fact that he is not married.
As I was cleaning toilets and thinking about what kind of story I was going to fabricate about my life, I slowly realized I had no idea where the keys I was suppose to lock up with were. They were gone. So I looked all over, and the night soon became long, and I still didn't have my keys, and there was no one left after Jordan was gone, except Kelsea. So we began to search the school's secret files, and look through compartments we weren't suppose to know about to find the spare key. At one moment, while I was on the phone with an information supplier (a.k.a. one willing to leak intell), Kelsea found the keys, and turned off the light. She hung up my phone, and we walked out of the office, trying to go unseen by the security cameras. We were sneaking along walls, and trying to not set off alarms. I was moving a cart so it wouldn't trigger a reaction with the sensors, but it was scraping too close to the wall, and I watched as I blew the face off of an outlet. I watched blue sparks and smelled smoke, and Kelsea and I set the alarms and ran. It was the most fun I've had at work since I stole Jordan's mop bucket and ran right into the wall and water splashed 10 feet high.
I've had a decent-ish Monday. I did wake up late, and that sucked. Morbid dreams. But all around....
"I was thinking, this one time, that this girl evolved from a dandelion. You know, just in case."
-verbatim of what Jordan said to me when I was checking myself out in the mirror. (my life is not in sections, it is all one piece that scares me.)
Sunday, December 05, 2004
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