status: 25 days left
weather: slightly warm
health: chest pains and droopy eyelids
apparently I write coherently but my theses are too vague. I get notes like, "Rachel, considering that this paper has such a terribly broad thesis and jumps around from film to film, you made it work quite successfully."
Maybe I need to make use of the writing center. I got style, I got pronunciation, but I can't figure out how to make a narrow thesis and use it for four pages...
"I've got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream."
-Fiona Apple
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Handsome is somehow always a little friendly, and always a little rude. I think that's how I like most of the people in my life, but then it makes it harder to think of something to say to answer their questions.
He comments on how I am always there, every morning, making his coffee, and I think, at least I can be constant in one person's life, because I am not there for anybody really. I chase after someone who doesn't exist anymore.
I am going to California. I am going to do homework. I'm going to the gym.
There are little things to make us feel like we are not overwhelmed. Things that help me bite my tongue, and plant my feet. Things that keep my heart on defrost in the microwave, instead of letting it freeze at night out on the backporch.
It's gotta be the Bible, and it's gotta be So Sexy Shampoo that I can smell in her hair when I walk behind her that reminds me of the best days of my life.
"Tony! You came, I can't even believe it!"
"Well I told you that I would."
"I know, but a lot of people say that they will."
"Well this is at least my second favorite Starbucks." (Then he starts to count on his fingers) "Actually it's probably like, my 4th or 5th favorite..."
He comments on how I am always there, every morning, making his coffee, and I think, at least I can be constant in one person's life, because I am not there for anybody really. I chase after someone who doesn't exist anymore.
I am going to California. I am going to do homework. I'm going to the gym.
There are little things to make us feel like we are not overwhelmed. Things that help me bite my tongue, and plant my feet. Things that keep my heart on defrost in the microwave, instead of letting it freeze at night out on the backporch.
It's gotta be the Bible, and it's gotta be So Sexy Shampoo that I can smell in her hair when I walk behind her that reminds me of the best days of my life.
"Tony! You came, I can't even believe it!"
"Well I told you that I would."
"I know, but a lot of people say that they will."
"Well this is at least my second favorite Starbucks." (Then he starts to count on his fingers) "Actually it's probably like, my 4th or 5th favorite..."
Thursday, October 23, 2008
status: Thursday-26 days left.
weather: slightly less freezing than yesterday
drink: double tall signature hot chocolate (half SHC/half NF Milk), sub foam for whip, light caramel, sea salt)
sleep: four hours
Popping pills in the Marketplace (where Dr. Pepper is only 79 cents? What new mystery is this..) in my Starbucks uniform still, keeled over under my backpack. Five minutes till class.
Somehow my eyes are peeled wide awake; Kezar pops into the room in the middle of our quiz with a balloon, and starts sucking down helium.
"For God's sake, hold your tongue and let me love," he says to a silent audience, like a chipmunk.
Class is over, "What did you say?" Nick asks me, and admits, "I'm sorry, I've been on mescaline all day." And then I pick a business man I can sit next to for 45 minutes, because they never want to talk unless its on a blue tooth. And it will be my pleasure to just not talk to you, you grumpy old man in a suit. I'll love you better for it.
weather: slightly less freezing than yesterday
drink: double tall signature hot chocolate (half SHC/half NF Milk), sub foam for whip, light caramel, sea salt)
sleep: four hours
Popping pills in the Marketplace (where Dr. Pepper is only 79 cents? What new mystery is this..) in my Starbucks uniform still, keeled over under my backpack. Five minutes till class.
Somehow my eyes are peeled wide awake; Kezar pops into the room in the middle of our quiz with a balloon, and starts sucking down helium.
"For God's sake, hold your tongue and let me love," he says to a silent audience, like a chipmunk.
Class is over, "What did you say?" Nick asks me, and admits, "I'm sorry, I've been on mescaline all day." And then I pick a business man I can sit next to for 45 minutes, because they never want to talk unless its on a blue tooth. And it will be my pleasure to just not talk to you, you grumpy old man in a suit. I'll love you better for it.
Monday, October 20, 2008
of good medicine.
Tonight we went to see David Sedaris read, and it was fuzzy and warm and made my heart so glad. In general it was just such a good day, because I woke up and Lauren made me breakfast and we read our Bibles together for a little bit, before she dropped me off at school. I turned in my long paper on movies that are about underdevelopment in South America, and I met Alison's friend Saige for real and we sat by each other and watched a weird movie about a cow dying in Iran. Then I totally skipped Spanish class and met my parents, brother, and Jeremy and Aimee at RedRock and ate some very good hot wings.
(I'm leaving out the part where I left my phone in a bathroom, some girl picked it up and called my mom and I run back to the bathroom to see if it's still there--its not so I run to the Union and this dude says the chick will bring it back after her five o clock class--such an ordeal) But I had it, and then I left it in Jeremy's car for another two hours while we were at the reading. So at least 7 or 8 hours today I did not have my phone and it was like Heaven.
Tonight we went to see David Sedaris read, and it was fuzzy and warm and made my heart so glad. In general it was just such a good day, because I woke up and Lauren made me breakfast and we read our Bibles together for a little bit, before she dropped me off at school. I turned in my long paper on movies that are about underdevelopment in South America, and I met Alison's friend Saige for real and we sat by each other and watched a weird movie about a cow dying in Iran. Then I totally skipped Spanish class and met my parents, brother, and Jeremy and Aimee at RedRock and ate some very good hot wings.
(I'm leaving out the part where I left my phone in a bathroom, some girl picked it up and called my mom and I run back to the bathroom to see if it's still there--its not so I run to the Union and this dude says the chick will bring it back after her five o clock class--such an ordeal) But I had it, and then I left it in Jeremy's car for another two hours while we were at the reading. So at least 7 or 8 hours today I did not have my phone and it was like Heaven.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
"To be lonely is a habit, like smoking or taking drugs,
and I've quit them both, but man was it rough.
And it just made me tired. Now I am tired."
-Jenny Lewis
Hannah and I got pizza last night and watched Bandits and a couple episodes of How I met your Mother. Today I'm gonna meet Alex at the gym, and eventually go to church.
I am very happy. Things have settled, and it's all downhill on a longboard from here.
and I've quit them both, but man was it rough.
And it just made me tired. Now I am tired."
-Jenny Lewis
Hannah and I got pizza last night and watched Bandits and a couple episodes of How I met your Mother. Today I'm gonna meet Alex at the gym, and eventually go to church.
I am very happy. Things have settled, and it's all downhill on a longboard from here.
Monday, October 13, 2008
where have you been all my life
I've been thinking about that a lot lately, at least, so much as I've been walking around this state with all my friends for years and years and never knew them. I wonder sometimes, what my close friends were doing a couple of years ago, before we met, and sometimes maybe we were walking along the same sidewalk, seconds apart, and never knew each other.
In the same movie theatre and had no idea that in later years we would share stories and laughter and take espresso shots together so much earlier in the morning than 95% of Utah could possibly be awake. True love, and where were you when I was hurting earlier on? How did I live so long before I knew you and you saved me from the horrifying melancholy tones of twilight, beyond, and the penetrating light of the stars that burn your souls from mountain tops.
(The answer is Jesus, but it's still an interesting question)
I don't know all the stories yet (well I know a couple of them, and it is constantly a puzzle I feel inclined to put together in my day-dreaming moments on the train, or when my English teachers are going off on the finer points of Yeats) but for instance, the other night I discovered Luke, (my TRAX "friend") and I had been at the same show at Boom Va in Ogden a few years ago. Fear Before the March of Flames had opened for Norma Jean I think, (I have since referred faithfully to this particular date as "The Very Worst Night of My Life") and I'd been in the car trying to convince Ashley that it was okay to go in, (she was nervous to see and be around Billy, they've since married and have their happily-ever-after) and she breathing fire, "DO NOT tell me to settle down, I hate that." (we were such different girls back then; drinking iced tan mochas and smoking prime times in sugarhouse...and I don't drink tan mochas at all these days) And she met up with Billy and I'd lost track of her, I was sitting on an effing chair in front of the merch table hoping some Merch dude wouldn't come and make me go away. I hadn't slept in over 48 hours because I was working graveyards and I'd played with Normandy on campus during the day, taking a short nap at Joey's house and just kept going and going. I saw Matt Nanes drifting in and out and in and out. I was crying because I had a cold, and I was genuinely thinking whether it was worth it to off myself in the bathroom at Boom Va or call a cab back to Salt Lake. In the parking lot later (it was so so so cold, I think it was late November maybe) at 1 a.m. and Matt Nanes volunteered to take me home "early". He was my hero that night. I thought maybe we should get married when we stopped at a gas station in Clearfield.
Anyways, Luke was there at that concert the whole time, and we probably ran into each other and didn't know it.
But thinking through this story I miss being 18 years old and everything being such a big deal for no reason at all except that it was so new.
And now I've been to the hardcore shows and gotten over the fact that none of my hair is bleached and that I'm a typically joyful person. I leave early and go to dollar movies and don't feel much regret over it, and all my friends are getting married so I don't have to even go to the Scream-o shows much. I have my own ideals from growing up across America and listening to Bob Dylan and Jenny Lewis. I have my own knight in shining armor who doesn't play guitar but maybe grew up in Ohio or somewhere midwestern but who still happens to wear designer jeans and drinks coffee much too much.
And I guess I'm going back to California for a little bit, which makes my heart feel slightly weightless. My face is permanently smiling today.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately, at least, so much as I've been walking around this state with all my friends for years and years and never knew them. I wonder sometimes, what my close friends were doing a couple of years ago, before we met, and sometimes maybe we were walking along the same sidewalk, seconds apart, and never knew each other.
In the same movie theatre and had no idea that in later years we would share stories and laughter and take espresso shots together so much earlier in the morning than 95% of Utah could possibly be awake. True love, and where were you when I was hurting earlier on? How did I live so long before I knew you and you saved me from the horrifying melancholy tones of twilight, beyond, and the penetrating light of the stars that burn your souls from mountain tops.
(The answer is Jesus, but it's still an interesting question)
I don't know all the stories yet (well I know a couple of them, and it is constantly a puzzle I feel inclined to put together in my day-dreaming moments on the train, or when my English teachers are going off on the finer points of Yeats) but for instance, the other night I discovered Luke, (my TRAX "friend") and I had been at the same show at Boom Va in Ogden a few years ago. Fear Before the March of Flames had opened for Norma Jean I think, (I have since referred faithfully to this particular date as "The Very Worst Night of My Life") and I'd been in the car trying to convince Ashley that it was okay to go in, (she was nervous to see and be around Billy, they've since married and have their happily-ever-after) and she breathing fire, "DO NOT tell me to settle down, I hate that." (we were such different girls back then; drinking iced tan mochas and smoking prime times in sugarhouse...and I don't drink tan mochas at all these days) And she met up with Billy and I'd lost track of her, I was sitting on an effing chair in front of the merch table hoping some Merch dude wouldn't come and make me go away. I hadn't slept in over 48 hours because I was working graveyards and I'd played with Normandy on campus during the day, taking a short nap at Joey's house and just kept going and going. I saw Matt Nanes drifting in and out and in and out. I was crying because I had a cold, and I was genuinely thinking whether it was worth it to off myself in the bathroom at Boom Va or call a cab back to Salt Lake. In the parking lot later (it was so so so cold, I think it was late November maybe) at 1 a.m. and Matt Nanes volunteered to take me home "early". He was my hero that night. I thought maybe we should get married when we stopped at a gas station in Clearfield.
Anyways, Luke was there at that concert the whole time, and we probably ran into each other and didn't know it.
But thinking through this story I miss being 18 years old and everything being such a big deal for no reason at all except that it was so new.
And now I've been to the hardcore shows and gotten over the fact that none of my hair is bleached and that I'm a typically joyful person. I leave early and go to dollar movies and don't feel much regret over it, and all my friends are getting married so I don't have to even go to the Scream-o shows much. I have my own ideals from growing up across America and listening to Bob Dylan and Jenny Lewis. I have my own knight in shining armor who doesn't play guitar but maybe grew up in Ohio or somewhere midwestern but who still happens to wear designer jeans and drinks coffee much too much.
And I guess I'm going back to California for a little bit, which makes my heart feel slightly weightless. My face is permanently smiling today.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
One thing that I love about these early Starbucks mornings is how I feel like I am making the most of my days. Seeing the sunrise, enjoying the world before everyone else wakes up.
Today we ran out of practically everything - like usual - and so Hannah let me go to another store to beg, borrow, and steal supplies. Also I had to go to Walmart with the company card to buy milk. I walked up to the register, all dressed in black, with 14 gallons of milk in my cart, and the company card was expired, but they somehow let me take the milk anyways. I was walking out the door when one of those creepy Walmart greeter guys chuckled at me and said, "Thirsty?" And I was confused because I'd forgotten about the 14 gallons of milk, and he had a cup of McDonald's coffee in his hand. I thought he was offering me some of his gross coffee, so I said, "Oh, no thank you." And then I walked out the door with 14 gallons of milk and realized what he was talking about and laughed.
It was a beautiful day of rain and mist, and the mountains are turning colors, but are now capped off with snow. The trees at the top are frozen into sugar and some one can go up there and make snow angels while we are still driving with our windows down, here in the valley.
So Kelsea and Caleb let me come with them up Little Cottonwood and we hiked for a bit, and then I ate dinner with them at Caleb's parents' house.
Its funny to spend time with your friend's parents and realize why they are exactly who they are.
But no matter how great Caleb is, I wouldn't love baseball for him.
Today we ran out of practically everything - like usual - and so Hannah let me go to another store to beg, borrow, and steal supplies. Also I had to go to Walmart with the company card to buy milk. I walked up to the register, all dressed in black, with 14 gallons of milk in my cart, and the company card was expired, but they somehow let me take the milk anyways. I was walking out the door when one of those creepy Walmart greeter guys chuckled at me and said, "Thirsty?" And I was confused because I'd forgotten about the 14 gallons of milk, and he had a cup of McDonald's coffee in his hand. I thought he was offering me some of his gross coffee, so I said, "Oh, no thank you." And then I walked out the door with 14 gallons of milk and realized what he was talking about and laughed.
It was a beautiful day of rain and mist, and the mountains are turning colors, but are now capped off with snow. The trees at the top are frozen into sugar and some one can go up there and make snow angels while we are still driving with our windows down, here in the valley.
So Kelsea and Caleb let me come with them up Little Cottonwood and we hiked for a bit, and then I ate dinner with them at Caleb's parents' house.
Its funny to spend time with your friend's parents and realize why they are exactly who they are.
But no matter how great Caleb is, I wouldn't love baseball for him.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Matt- I will look forward to our luncheon for the remainder of this morning and during my afternoon classes. It will sustain me.
Sincerely, Rachel
Rachel. The pho will sustain me just as much as the pleasure of your company will.
Regards,
Matthew
Matt, with the accordance to the Utah Clean Air act, I suspect neither of us will be smoking during our company. Thank you, Rachel
Rachel, the surgeon general reports that smoking is bad for our health. Please don't smoke if you are pregnant. With all due respect,
Matthew
Matthew: I already knew that. I am pregnant with the surgeon general's baby. I was more concerned about second hand smoke.
Yours truly, Rachel
Dear Rachel, I was hoping to be a surgeon general one day and make someone pregnant. Thanks, Matthew.
Matthew, I hope you fine some new goals in life.
Appalled,
Rachel
Sincerely, Rachel
Rachel. The pho will sustain me just as much as the pleasure of your company will.
Regards,
Matthew
Matt, with the accordance to the Utah Clean Air act, I suspect neither of us will be smoking during our company. Thank you, Rachel
Rachel, the surgeon general reports that smoking is bad for our health. Please don't smoke if you are pregnant. With all due respect,
Matthew
Matthew: I already knew that. I am pregnant with the surgeon general's baby. I was more concerned about second hand smoke.
Yours truly, Rachel
Dear Rachel, I was hoping to be a surgeon general one day and make someone pregnant. Thanks, Matthew.
Matthew, I hope you fine some new goals in life.
Appalled,
Rachel
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