In the beginning of January I was smacking my head in my hands thinking how many steps backward I had taken since the January prior. I felt burnt out, tired of "church", and ready to join the army, or something equally brash. But as quickly as it's gone, the first month of this year has made me realize that despite losing a lot of the amazing things that were keeping me going a year ago, I am always growing, God is always teaching me new things, and that if your friends are any good in the first place, then they are easy to graft back into, whether you chopped off your branches, or they helped you out with it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that after learning a lot about self-discipline from John McArthur, from quitting coffee, from working out and going to bed early, from sleepovers with Celisse, and after packing away Christmas and the other depths of winter, my heart is finally ready to heal over, and begin again. To be best friends with Jesus first, to have new plans of hope, to have new destinations.
And starting this adventure alone doesn't bother me, but leaves me young and gutsy and free.

Yes, I'm slaying dragons every morning without coffee.

Murder me Rachael, I've made a mistake

My Writing teacher has a tattoo sleeve that he keeps barely hidden, he casually mentioned that he eats pho (by accident), and he's a grad student who drinks water almost as nervously as I do.
I think I have a crush on him.

In other news, I really have been feeling blessed by a few things

-I don't even carry pills around with me when I leave my home for days because I haven't been having headaches
-sleeping at the Momberger's; always. Its wonderful not waking up to a house full of dogs, and Celisse is pretty great too. Ha ha.
-being free: I hardly ever worry anymore about doctor appointments, homework assignments, working 40 hours, money, men, anemia, going to church, band practice. It's like I hit the easy button.

It could be because I've been listening to rap from Jeff the Vegan.

I've been wrestling.

I don't know what I'm up against but I keep fighting and it feels amazing. I throw punches and someone is smiling.
I sat in the dark last night because there was a huge power out. Lit candles and tried to fall asleep without white noise, thinking about what my life is going to be like when its over, and it just looks white, like the end of a book. Like snowfall. When you end up turning the next page and there's nothing?

I run. I run for me, and someone else out there I don't know yet; I keep running. And I am flawed if I'm not free.


"I could follow you into the rubble, or stay right here and save myself some trouble."
-Aimee Mann

My eyes and lungs hurt from the very short time I've spent outside today, waiting for the bus in the pollution.
It wears me out.
And so do annoying English majors.


But God is pretty cool, and I have faith that it has to rain or snow sometime. If it doesn't I'll probably hop a flight to anywhere.

I thought Kayleigh died, but it turned out she just broke her phone, and she's been right here, the whole time, playing Halo with her boyfriend.
I woke up to a text from her, "Rachel rachel rachel rachel, hi hi hi hi hi hi how are you?"
So it turns out that she is even more than alive. She is shooting aliens or something, and she picked one of the six guys, and finally settled down. It made me smile in a fog of alarms as I was waking, to know that she is back from Dixie and that she didn't fall down a mountain, which has happened to at least one person I love very much.

I was trying to decide if it really was worth taking the bus over the train, and I just don't have any answers yet.
I was galloping out to my truck in the warm night air (Well, it's practically summer by now, here, of late) with a flash light, happy to collide with any massive objects made out of metal and collecting pieces of my day to play over again after chicken, polenta, and salad with basalmic vinaigrette, and I just thought,
"Why not?" smile and think of old text messages when you were happy a hundred years ago, or maybe 2008. "Why not be completely, utterly, and divinely happy, despite it being the season of despair?" You can still vacuum the carpet and hear happy accordion music whether or not Darrell hates it. You can even like Ed Hardy, whether or not Darrell hates it.

And I did buy 4 pens today, which is probably why I'm in such a good mood.

"When you're little you think that you'll never catch on fire, but it's really surprising that so many people actually do."
-Celisse, on the Stop, Drop, and Roll method

Dear Kayleigh,
where are you? I am really starting to worry. Every time I see snowboarders or girls with their hair braided down the side of their heads, I think, "where is my Kayleigh?" and you are nowhere to be found in this moment of now.

Please tell me that you are not in an avalanche.
Goodbye,

Rache