And now, the tragic short story of Rebecca.

I have all my classes with this girl, (and by all I mean both.) and I always noticed that she dressed really nice, and reminded me vaguely of Celisse because she has long dark hair and wore the same clothes that Celisse does. I think there is probably proof somewhere that you are attracted to people who look like people you already like. But one day, she ended up in a group with me to discuss Against Nature and I told her I thought her heels were really cute, and asked her where she got them. (Which, apparently is tacky? according to In Style magazine, which is really depressing to me, because I love to know where people got their clothes, if they're cute.) But maybe she doesn't read In Style, because she told me. And the next few classes I had with her, she would come and sit right next to me, and I would smile and say "hi" and she would just nod at me. The whole time, I would be thinking, is she looking at my shoes? Crap, I always wear Vans. Or, is she laughing at the same jokes Professor M.P. is telling? I was enamored with her because I thought I would finally have a friend, and that she would force me to wear cuter clothes to impress her.
But one fateful day, (actually it might have been that same week) she followed me into the bathroom and pushed me up against the wall and told me she would kill me if I told anyone wear she got her shoes. Just kidding. She picked the stall next to me, (when there were 6 other stalls to choose from) and I definitely couldn't pee after that, so I washed my hands and left really quickly, and it's been weird ever since.

We ignored each other for a very long time after that. I made a different friend that I can chat with, and even the twins will turn around to talk to me. But Rebecca and I would just cordially smile at each other.
But today, she sat down next to me and I turned and smiled at her, and I wondered, if the weird bathroom thing had never happened, we might have been best friends. Maybe she watches all the TV shows I do. Maybe she would have asked me out for coffee.

But I guess I'll never know. And I'm forced to be fine with that. Unless she is going to be an English major for as many years as I will be, and then we may reconcile with the gift of amnesia that time gives to college students...

What I'm hungry for now is a corndog.

I love Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday along with New Year's Eve. Both are about partying with and being thankful for your family. Eating and eating. And making a treasure of your family.

I have no insurance until January, and consequently all of my medicines are out. My legit stomach medicine is now replaced with an over-the-counter that pales in the strength of Prevacid. So I am constantly hungry, whether I'm full or not. So today is a very perfect day for me.

I am so blessed, and God is so good. Now it is time to drink a beer and enjoy Netflix before working a ten hour shift with no lunch. One day I hope to get a job where I don't have to sell...stuff. But I am thankful for where I am right now, and looking forward to what's next.

i love snow.

Today the Bob Harmon helped me and Philip (Yes, grammatically in this instance it is "me and Philip")find croissant rolls (the kind that pop out of the tube). I didn't realize it was the famous Bob until he'd already helped us with the menial task. I thought I was doing him a favor, and giving him something to do. But then I realized he was dressed slightly fancy. But the same old beautiful girl with sparkly eyeshadow rung us up. She is always completely bored and unhappy. But she at least looks amazing while she's doing it.

Everyday I am so happy that it is cold winter, and that so many plants are dead. I don't know what I will do in April or May, but I'm trying not to dwell and let the thought ruin these days I've had without headaches. And I'm already getting nostalgic about this semester.

This is happy. This is what it looks like for me.

Christina and I booked it out of the bank ASAP, and I can't believe how underwhelmed I was on the way home. God is great, and I didn't even see any accidents. Just, after all the hype, I thought maybe there would even be no school tomorrow.

My mom made great stew ((which-- I packed some for lunch tomorrow. I'm doing better at this packing lunch thing. I am really trying to make a dent in my bad spending choices from the last month. And on another tangent inside of parentheses: I am getting very excited about saving. Not just the normal savings accounts I have in case of emergency car problems or health bills or saving for vacations, I started another savings for more long-term things, or bigger problems. It is kind of fun to watch it grow. ING Direct gives better interest than any other bank I've seen so far.)) and then all these boys were at our house who came out here to play a show (which was canceled due to weather). I think my brother was in Heaven for a few hours.

Caught up on The Walking Dead. I think about zombies so much that I almost said something out loud in class yesterday when a student was berating gun possession in America. "We'll see who's laughing when the zombies are coming for us..." Denying the existence of zombies is the hardest part of my reality, probably. Besides the time travel thing. But at least one of my professors watches as much TV as I do:
"What? You guys don't know what that show is? You don't watch very much TV. Oh...that's a good thing."
Prof. M.P.

After a night/day of being almost unsure of everything: (of thoughts to move back to Iowa, of thoughts of joining the military upon graduation, of thoughts...) I walked in the door and stripped off my gloves, and what do I find.

One simple gift.

One "something" that means the world to me all of the sudden.

Sitting there on my desk, I find that there is one person that cares enough to say "I love you" without words, in our strange language that we adhere to with commitment.

And it gives me a grip on reality, on tomorrow, and on staying in Utah for at least a little while.

It is exhausting to keep this up. But it must come with "a smile, or else I shall count it as a falsehood."

"If you have sex, you will get pregnant. And die."
-Gym teacher on Mean Girls

Yes I finally saw Mean Girls after 7 years. I got curious because of Tina Fey.

Some things I like:
the smell of men's deodorant. the time you realize your headache is starting to go away. waking up skinny. savings accounts. loyalty programs from big corporations. the moments on the bus when no one is talking. reading stacks of books. eating cake batter. running on the treadmill longer than I planned to. drawings of whales. and of course, Vitaminwater.

"But after all, how was I to guess that I was making mischief merely by chiming in, for the sake of the portrait I had undertaken, and of a very harmless psychological mania, with what was merely the fad, the little romantic affectation or eccentricity, of a scatterbrained and eccentric young woman? How in the world should I have dreamed that I was handling explosive substances?"
Oke of Okehurst, Vernon Lee

I'm trying to figure out how to rollover 401(k)s, I'm trying to figure out how I can go to school for the rest of my life. I'm trying to learn how to write better papers. I'm trying to learn to how to make my boss love me.
I'm writing more things down.

I put new pictures up on my wall and cleaned everything. I'm pretty happy to be here.
I'm going to try to make a goal of doing some kind of art project every week, and maybe post some things. I am happy about every day to be honest.

"I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know.
Didn't anybody tell you, this river's full of a lot of sharks."
The National

I am incandescently happy about the cold. At some moments when I am shivering, I am so grateful. It doesn't cause uncomfort like the summer heat. My headaches are once a week now, instead of every day, all day. I wear gloves and jackets and scarves, and when people come into the bank complaining, I just smile and nod and think about when I lived in Alaska. In the future.

In other news, I am buying too many pairs of glasses. This is becoming a problem. Along with how many times I swipe my plastic at Pho restaurants. It is adding up. Not too much, just enough to make me nervous.

-----------------

"John, you drank too much wine the other night. Not way too much, just enough to make me angry."
-Vintage 21 Jesus video parody

I finally got to the place in life where I don't look at all the old pictures and want to go back. There is only the future, and what I am capable of.

I will be able to find where the good goes.

I just need to spend one second to preserve the memory of my two professors this semester, because I am worried that my memory, in general, is slipping. In one year I won't remember anything I haven't written down.

My Modernism (and Decadence) professor is the one who sounds like Doug Fabrizio from Radio West. In his real life he loves TV almost as much as I do. He especially loves Jersey Shore, and today brought up The Walking Dead TV show that I watched last night with Noah. (I've been thinking about Zombies a lot lately since I watched the 70's Night of the Living Dead with the Edwards and their nieces. There is something about Zombie movies that I can really get into, but that's for a whole different day) Professor Decadence seems a little bit more innocent than my other professors. He gets shy about talking about the weird S-E-X stuff that shows up in English literature and I think that's admirable.

My Culture Theories professor is very tall and always five minutes late (which is a very good trait in a professor, I believe.) I am very excited for his class every week, and I pay attention as hard as if I were listening to a Whitney. I get very excited about sociology, and even more so about economics, and theories on capitalism. It's a fascinating class. The reading is denser than a rock, but always an adventure for the whole 80 minutes he lectures on it.

I will probably look back at this as the best semester of my college life. I am never in a hurry or tired or bored during class. And I finally figured out how to write a paper, after *mphhhhmm* years.

What a good life.

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to suggest that we all sit down and watch The Road on a Tuesday night. I've had a bad feeling in my gut for like, 3 hours. It was different when I read it, because you could set it down and have real life for a little bit, and pick up the rest when you're ready, but the movie is a slap in the face.

It is very convicting. Not as much in the what-would-you-do-post-apocalypse sort of way but mostly about how I live every day. I live extravagantly. Selfishly. I do not notice my excess or how wealthy I am to be able to eat a meal everyday and sleep under a roof.
And not worry about danger. I don't have to live in fear, and that is such a blessing.

I should have spent my time writing a paper on an ekphrasis. Now when am I going to do that.