"Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell."
-Emily Dickinson

Happy birthday, Norvelle. It cannot be too soon until we are together again.

good old babies.


My dear Bryan and Celisse had their dear baby Wesley. With every pregnancy, it is just so weird to go from seeing it as a bump, to Suddenly There Is a Baby.

"You should have a baby. Or three. It's pretty easy," Celisse told me, her usual self last night. She was referring to the epidural, not their current situation of Wesley being in the NICU. But one thing about Celisse is that she can usually see the whole picture when everyone else is running around with their hands in the air. She knows everything will be fine, and Wesley is doing better every hour, it seems like.

I worked another double yesterday. I'm pretty sad with half of my friends gone to Faithwalkers, and pretty tied down to these stupid dogs. Work almost feels like a social life, right now.

The dogs wake me up at 5am to eat, (why would anyone train their dogs to be hungry at 5am?) but as I was scooping dog food out of the big bucket on the back porch, I realized it was raining, and I sad a thank you to God for letting me be awake for it. I always have better days when I know there has been precipitation. I also took a fistful of pills because I could feel a migraine building behind my eyes.

Anyway. Rush dug herself under the porch and got stuck there. She probably wanted some time to herself. That was an adventure.
And my medicine finally kicked in and now my head feels like a balloon. I put on the saddest M. Ward CD I have, and baked a cake.

I might be wasting my winter break a little bit, but pretty soon I will be graduated and have nothing but time, and I will try to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with the time then.

A couple Tony-isms

"There were no undo's."
-Tony, on the original Photoshop

Tony: "See that is terrible advertising."
Me: "I hate Wal-Mart."
Tony: "Yeah....but they actually had a good commercial. It was when you went to the bathroom."

--------

I feel like I've been letting myself become an island. 

And it's probably time to stop doing that.

And a strange thing is waking up and not knowing where you are. It didn't happen all summer at the farm or in Iowa, or in all the houses that I've house sit for all of these months, but this morning when I woke up, I looked at the headboard of the bed I was sleeping in, and I actually thought I was on a boat. 

Two separate occasions in the night, I woke up and thought I was at sea.

It was a wonderful illusion.

the sins of a hermit


I lived without a phone for a few days this week. I killed it early Monday morning and went without it for the rest of that day. I renewed my contract with my cell service provider and they sent out a new phone, but it didn't get here until basically last night. But that's not the point of this story.

I dug up my old orange enV and got it to run enough to look at all the old things I had saved on it from two and a half years ago. All the memories came back with the saved text messages and things I'd written in my notepad. It was like a diary.

I smirked to myself that the most romantic relationship I've had in four years was my imaginary one with MK. I wrote this, when I was 19, and I'm sharing it because it is ridiculous. "I mostly figured that we were both looking at each other, in love, and that one day he would take me in his arms, and I'd be all tan and have long hair, and he'd say "This isn't going to work" but I think that when he is like, 40, and I'm also a middle-aged and famous writer after several marriages, we will bump into each other on the street in Chicago or LA or Cleveland and the age difference won't be so severe. It will be true love then, my darling."

I think I have been living on too steady a diet of Jenny Lewis, since I was sixteen. And now when I see MK smoking a cigarette at the U, or walking with other students, I still think he's a genius, but my heart doesn't stir. And perhaps he will never get interviewed by Doug Fabrizio either.

Tomorrow is my last day of living here and sleeping in all the time, and taking my meals alone and looking out over the beautiful golf course. I will miss this hideout. It would be very easy
to
become
a
recluse.

Troy: I think I'm failing psychopharmacology.
Britta: Why are you taking that?
Troy: I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals.

Community, Season 1

When I woke up this morning, my hair was a white-girl afro. I've been working on it for three days. I was going to wash it this morning, but I might just hold out. It is getting bigger and bigger the more dry shampoo I use.

I watched a few old episodes of Pushing Daisies again, and realized the show was older than I thought. Maybe it is actually Zooey Deschanel who stole style ideas from Anna Friel's character. The set design is also so beautiful. It reminds me of how I think Roald Dahl would have done it.

and...I cracked open my drawing pad last night. I need to use that part of my brain more. And I should be practicing my Spanish. I'm losing more of it every day.

I wake up with the old songs stuck in my head, and wonder where they came from.

I open my eyes and want to keep them shut the rest of the day. I think of Regina Spektor, try to make my lips move. Try to make my legs move.
"Like a soldier, one foot in front of the other."


I miss my routine, so I make coffee and slap my own face to say, "You can do this, you can pull it together for a few hours to go to work to pay your bills." 
I think that maybe it is the right time for this vacation to be almost over. Or at least, for the inversion to be over. Every time I leave the house, I say to myself that it can only last for so long.

I went back to my house tonight to eat egg rolls with Noah and my dad. Noah and I sat on laptops opposite each other, and made small comments. I listened to him hold his breath while he watched TV online, and let it back out periodically to inhale again. I thought how it was a little bit nice to have someone else in the room. We could talk or not talk for hours, the two of us.

Things will be good. I am so blessed to celebrate the birth of my Lord who saved me. Who picked me to spend eternity with Him. What a wonderful God.

sundancechannel.com

I could watch Midnight in Paris over and over, and I probably will. I'd like to see it one more time in the theater after tonight.  I have such a girl-crush on Marion Cotillard, and listening to Owen Wilson talk is like sitting with an old friend who knows all of your secrets.

I got a free bathrobe when I bought a bottle of perfume today (or yesterday, rather). It's white and fluffy, and I am make-believing that I am at a resort. 

It is not that hard.

What is hard is realizing I have to go home someday.

What is hard is realizing I'll have to go back to day-shifts again, and not sleep in til ten every morning.

A hard thing is that finals are over, and I should be eating vegetables and going to the gym again.

I'll take it one step at a time.

eventually, I will shut myself in a room and just write.


Today is not that day. Just a blog update.

I ended up having a Treat Yo Self day while I was trying to buy Christmas presents. I bought a new fragrance, a Nothing Bundt Cake, and a Chipotle burrito. I went to my local library and got the last couple Gilmore Girls episodes I haven't seen, some music, and a book that might be fun. Fun? Yes.

I got back in the car and felt ashamed. But I have a few more days to finish gifts. We're having very low key gift giving in our household this year. I think the most "Christmas Spirit" I've had so far comes from the Community Christmas episode when Shirley sings "Happy Birthday Jesus". Also, singing about the Lord at Starbucks is pretty cool too. I don't remember so many Christ-centered songs playing on the Holiday Mix in previous years.

And finally, as I sit here, I feel like there is something I need to get done, but there literally isn't.
I finished everything, and when I drove into this apartment complex this morning, I couldn't believe I wasn't catching the bus next Tuesday for class. It made me a little sad.

I talked to Judy for an hour, had a third cup of coffee, and then I vacuumed...
I think I need a project.
Ideas are brewing.

More to come.

December Finals: a love poem

Humidifier, running.
Iowa state hoodie on, reheated coffee in hand.
Pizza, toaster strudels, Starbursts

All I can see when I close my eyes is Cherrie Moraga's
Loving in the War Years
All I want is to finish the first draft so I can watch
Sunday night TV OnDemand.

Taking too many Facebook breaks
And wondering what the outside world looks like.
I will miss this too.

And now...another procastinatory blog post

My professor slid my previous paper and a grading rubric, and other notes to me across the table, and after my ten minute meeting with her, I was terrified to start this paper. She is more intense than even my Biblical Poetry professor was, and I don't want to write another canned paper for the final.

And then I realized, this is my last really analytical paper I'm probably going to be writing. Next semester I'm taking a fiction workshop, and a 2000 level Communications class, so I'm not going to have any literature or theory to pick apart.

It is very bittersweet.

I've been in college for five and a half years so far, but I never really thought that I'd see the end coming so rapidly toward me.

"Good old babies."
-Noah, commenting on Isabel's fake baby that she has to take care of this weekend that was starting to cry

I told my friend Emily a week ago, how we kind of do courtship/dating at our church. I narrowed it down to basically seeking counsel from your wiser friends, praying, and then waiting around (it's even foggy to me, sometimes, because I have screwed it up in the past). Over the last couple years she would periodically ask me if I am dating anybody yet. But yesterday as we were slowing down at work she said, "So are you consulting about any boys yet?" 

I thought it was hilarious that she got "consulting" out of seeking counsel. It's cute. And kind of right. Like you are consulting a panel of people you trust the most about whether or not you should end up with this person.

Also on the note of Starbucks friends, I was thinking today about Becka, and her huge wedding ring. She would always have these guys commenting on it when she was ringing people up in the lobby about how big it was, and how can a guy afford something like that these days. Sometimes she would say something modest, like, "It's just the lighting in here," but sometimes she would say, "Oh this? This is the one I wear to work." I laughed to myself on the bus.

I wonder which of my friends I will still be so close to when I am 30 or 40 or 50. And most of the time, I just hope it's all my same friends from now.

and so this is Tuesday

My baby iPod spit out some good things on shuffle this morning.
This is a blessing of a week. Nothing due, only three shifts at work.

Yesterday, Jayme and I spent the afternoon and most of the night drinking mimosas and watching Amelie and Arrested Development. She is watching AD for her first time, and I was mouthing all of the lines along with the characters, which surprised her. The mimosas weren't strong enough to make us silly, but just sleepy all afternoon. These are the days when I feel so overprivileged.

I need to get back to the gym. I quit caring about muscles over Thanksgiving, and I was eating nonstop tacos all the other days of the weekend. But I'm starting Crossfit in 5 weeks, and I'm terrified.

As I was sitting on the bus today, I was wondering about all the dreams I can't remember when I wake up. Wondering about the content. If they are more dreams about Jeff Bridges. Wondering where the dreams go.

I got a Twitter a few weeks ago, when I was sitting next to Matt in our story telling class, (because he basically told me I should) and while I don't fully understand it, it is kind of fun.

The phenomenon that is happening to me, is that I feel like I have friends that don't know I exist.

I forgot about my Twitter account until I was reading this girl's blog post for Hello Giggles (Annie Stamell) and she was so hilarious. It gave a link to follow her on Twitter, and then I figured out this way to get her Tweets sent to my phone. (I am living in the stone age, I do not have a smart phone. I'm trying to make my dumb phone do smart things.)

So the result is, I get her text/tweets in the middle of the night, or when I wake up in the morning, and it is kind of like having a best friend who texts me all the time, and texts me quality, funny things.



So.
I've worked 19 of the last 28 hours. Three shifts.  I think I just put mini travel shampoo on my hands thinking it was a mini travel lotion. I am very ready to go walk the dog, make some tacos, shower, and nap. The Lord is my strength. There is no other reason I could still be so happy but His love. He just keeps answering prayers, yes, and no, and maybe. He is good to me.

Anthony: One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life.

Bottle Rocket (1996)

It just never gets old for me.

Dignan: Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on! 

Monday, you wonderful friend


As I sprawled out over our rocking armchair in the basement, eating cake and drinking coffee for breakfast, and watching some recording of Jason Mraz on Palladia, I thought,


a) I am so glad not to be working nine to five, Monday to Friday anymore.
b) God blesses me immensely.

I got through my horrible vegetable/fruit fast yesterday. I was starving after only three hours of it, and no matter how many veggies I ate, or how much protein they had, it just doesn't fill you like bread or pork chops. I was seeing stars by the time I was reading in my bed that night. And my dad told me at 10:30 that Bill said the meeting for this morning got called off, and that I could eat as much as I want, but I was doing such a good job, and getting so much out of it, that I made it til this morning. I don't know how Arminda did that fast so long, because I'd be dead.

When I first worked at Starbucks, I had this coworker named Jamie. And while she was a little wacky, she kind of inspired me, because she would do these weird challenges. Every year on her birthday she would challenge herself to something crazy that she would have to carry out until her next birthday. One year it was not drinking, one year it was being vegan. Stuff like that.

I thought about her this morning as I ate two pieces of cake with my Christmas Blend coffee, and thought about how Uncle Bill asked us to fast and pray for the church building today and tomorrow morning, and I thought, at the very least, I could just eat fruits and vegetables for the rest of the day and for breakfast tomorrow. (I have a hard enough time not passing out even when I am eating.) So I went to the gym to burn off the cake, and on the way home picked up a whole bunch of stuff that grows from the ground to eat for the rest of the day.

I didn't drink any alcohol last night, even though I thought it would help me sleep better. It's one of my favorite lies I tell myself. And I was really proud when I woke up this morning. I won't have any tonight, either. If I did this vegetable thing twice a month, I think that would be good for my heart and my prayer times with God, and my self control issues.

I don't have a paper to write, and I have two days off of work and school. I think I'm going to catch up on the last six months of movies.

Happy Sunday!

The interview went well.


God could not have blessed me with a better subject. Chad interviewed beautifully, and had really strong points about immigration, and hopefully my professors and classmates will be blown away by his story.

The end of the semester: I can't believe it's already here. It's sad and wonderful.
I'm currently reading
One Hundred Years of Solitude  (Marquez)
Across A Hundred Mountains (Grande)

And finally had pho for the first time in six to eight months, with Celisse, got ice cream cones, and watched Bridesmaids again. It's been a good week.

"I would like a glass of alcohol, please."
-Ellie Kemper's character on Bridesmaids

The Freshmen and Sophomore students at the U keep trying to wear tights in new and unusual ways. But wearing a black dress with red translucent tights just makes you look like a star in a horror movie. And wearing leggings instead of pants is just giving people permission to look at your butt and try to figure out what kind of underwear (if any) you have on.

I am really hepped up today.

I had maybe one cup of coffee, but I feel like I could run ten miles, and I think I'll go try. I had a short shift at work, and now I'm really nervous but excited to interview this guy Chad for my digital storytelling class. I'll post the video after finals, if it's any good. But I haven't met him, and I worry that I'm going to ask the wrong questions or that I will look like a fool trying to set my camera up. It's silly.

I have so much energy that I've been pouring into writing and running around and it's giving me a stomach ache, but I like it. 

I've been sleeping less, but last night I had this dream I was an assistant hit man with Jeff Bridges, and the cast of Community was in our movie. Jeff Bridges and I faked our own deaths in an explosion and hid in this cold dark boiler room of a hotel, and I thought I was going to die while we were asleep, but then I woke up, and made sure all the doors were locked. Even though I was the bad guy.

"In my dreams, I can feel the weight, I can just come clean...

I keep it to myself. I know what it means.

I can't have you...I have dreams."

-Brandi Carlile

My favorite coworker is Elaine, I think. I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but Elaine is an exception because she is awesome. I think she is everyone's favorite.

She's a fiery red head, with what I can only describe as a deep California voice. 

"What's open at ten-thirty?" She looks at me, walking out for her lunch.

"La Frontera," Alex says.

Elaine fakes throwing up.

"Subway?" I say.

"That's right, you're a good woman, Rachel. I forgot about that."

"You forgot I was a good woman? Or about Subway?" I ask her, but she's already gone. I walk back to the other side of the pastry case and re-brew coffee.

The phone rings.

"Thanks for calling Starbucks, this is Rachel."

I can hear a deep throaty laugh.

I start laughing. Neither of us can even speak for ten seconds.

"What's up?" I ask.

"The milkman is here," she laughs. I keep laughing too, because the best thing about Elaine is she legitimately thinks every thing she says is really funny. "And it's not his baby!"

I can't stop laughing, even though a customer is standing there, waiting for me to get off the phone. 

I can't think why she would call to tell me that. There is literally no reason, except that she thought it was a hilarious joke.

Everything is funny when you get four hours of sleep. I missed this in ways I couldn't remember.

I feel like I'm teenaging again.

"So my brother says to the guy, 'Oh look, your iPhone screen is cracked.' And the guy stands up and says, 'No I don't do crack anymore, I just like the way it smells.'"

-Elaine

I bump elbows with her in the studio.
"Can I read your paper?" She asks me.
I blush.
"No, I'd be really---I'd be too embarrassed."
She stares at me, from the other side of her glasses. Me, the girl with tissues in her pocket. Me the girl with the headache.
I try to explain. "It's hard, because I'm white. I don't know the experiences. I'm trying to learn..." and she smiles, slightly. I think she is a friend. I want her as a friend.
"I have a lot of white guilt," I whisper. Too inaudible to hear, in the small studio.

Tony turns on the lights.
She doesn't ask me more questions.

What does it mean, to be born in this privilege, and how the heck are you supposed to sleep every night, when you know what is really going on? You can write papers. You can speak up in class. You can stand up to your white friends, but it
 doesn't
do
anything.

It doesn't change the nightmares of someone in a different country, sleeping on the ground, who wakes up still hoping.

"He was a gossiper. To the maximum."
-Stesha, on Abe Lincoln

"Well I invited a lot of women to go to the waterpark. But most of them were pregnant."
-KG back at Labor day weekend. And now there are even more pregnant women.

Today this girl asked me for a donut, and I gave her a donut, so then she asked for cream cheese and I gave it to her, and she came back ten minutes later and said,
"This is not the kind of donut I wanted," and I looked at her, really confused for a minute, and I was going to try to figure out how to help her, but then she closed her eyes and started mumbling, "Donut, donut....beegel. I want bagel."
"Oh," the lightbulb went off. "That's why you wanted cream cheese."
"Yes."
"Where are you from?" I asked, because her accent sounded close to Russian.
"Ukraine. Where are you from?" And I laughed, because I usually never ask people that question out of politeness, and it was like she was calling me on it. But I was thinking of Tanya and wanted to know.

 But she looked so hopeful, and so I just said, "United States, Iowa." And I laughed again, but I wanted to tell her that one of my best friends was from Ukraine, and that made her happy, and she asked what my friend's name was, which I also thought was funny, but relevant. Tanya says "all Russians in Utah know all the other Russians in one way or another." But this girl didn't know Tanya, so she must be new.

And this is the part where I cram more work into the weekend than I do during the week. A cruelty. And I am losing so many hours to Nyquil.

lessons that I just can't seem to learn:
-to keep a lint roller in my car. 
-to stop double-booking myself.
-to not read on the bus.

weekly thing that I'm enjoying:
"Treat Yo Self Thursdays"  I usually splurge on a donut and coffee for my first class, and sushi for lunch. The rest of the week I eat weird inexpensive snacks and meals that you don't want to know about unless you are a Russian.

looking forward to:
getting done with one last paper before Thanksgiving, and then comes finals and Christmas and New Year's Eve! And all of the gingerbread cookies in between all of that. And some real snow. I LOVE WINTER.

Also, I am getting sick. I know it. So I'm taking one last dog for a walk, renting a Redbox, and falling asleep to it.

 

Even after deleting 100's of angsty teenage posts, and dooming many moodier ones to the "saved drafts" folder, I hit 888 posts yesterday, on 11/1/11. :)

 I slept 11 hours last night to ward off a flu that might still be imminent (all my coworkers have been getting sick) and this morning watched TV and went to the gym, and now I'm making some of my reserve stash of Iowa coffee to sit and eat Reese's PB cups with.   The smell of Friedrich's coffee brings me straight back to Des Moines, and I can close my eyes and believe I'm in Judy's living room and we're watching E! News or Gilmore Girls, or some other worthless TV show. Sounds ridiculous, but it hurts so much to live in Utah, sometimes.

ALTHOUGH. God did make a pretty awesome, angry sunset last night. And I thought, only here can you get this. It wasn't colorful or anything, but the way the dark clouds and mist and snow had sprinkled the valley and mountains all day and cleaned the air....it was breathtaking.

I finally gave DCFC's new album another listen and was wondering how Ben and Zooey were still doing. I thought, how could that marriage work when they are both touring all the time, and she's making a TV show now, and he's so cerebral, and she seems material.
Well I guess they just broke up, so that's weird that I was thinking about it.

Now, if only Jenny would break up with Johnny so that the right musical pair could finally happen. Ben and Jenny would be perfect together. Just sayin'.

12 hour high.
Sorry to my professors....I've been hallucinating all day.

On more than a few occasions, and especially tonight, I looked out of my basement window to think I was seeing the moon, shining really bright, through my shudders.

But it is my neighbors' porch light. It is actually an impossible angle for the moon to shine into my window, ever.

But I still find myself checking, each time.

"Thank God for Vegas."
-Martha

I walked into my dark family room after every one had gone to bed and saw light reflecting off of Noah's glasses.
"Oh my gosh you scared me," I said. "What are you doing in here?"
"Well, I am really bored, and I can't find any of my clothes."
"What? What clothes are you looking for?
"Any of them."

This is a typical conversation with Noah.

"What? She only works 20 hours a week?" He said, a half hour earlier.
"That's not bad for a college student," I suggested.
"I work 24 hours a day," he said.
"No you don't," I said. "You play a lot of video games."
"Well I do work til twelve, and then I come home and play video games," he adjusted.
"Enjoy that while it lasts," I said.
"Oh, I plan to do it forever," he said. And for a moment I thought, So do I. Like a teenage boy, I will be living in my parents' basement. I thought, What is so wrong with staying still, with not marrying, with not procreating....when everything will turn to dust and it will be our time to sleep with our fathers in the ground, and after that to face judgment.

I suppose judgment is what is wrong with staying still.

I don't know all the answers, Sharon, but I find myself sleeping through the whole night now.

"Balloons. Plastic. Rubber. Crazy."


-Nick

I started off my day with an early dentist appointment to follow up on a cavity. That might make you shudder, but I really really love my dentist (his lavender scented washcloths, and his demeanor, and the extra mile he always goes) and even though they gave me a brand new purple toothbrush last week, they gave me a pink breast cancer awareness one today.

I knew it was going to be a good day.

I let the Novocaine wear off and ate some french toast and stuffed my iPod with podcasts and indulged in buying an $8 album off of Amazon.
Got to the bus stop at my leisure, and spent a few hours on campus since I had the day off. I worked on my digital storytelling project and had a hamburger.

On my bus trip home, I watched a 9 year old girl get on the bus with her 6 year old brother. I couldn't believe they were by themselves and that she was taking care of him. It reminded me of how Philip and I were when we were younger, and I missed having someone look up to me like that and how everything I said was truth to him. To have someone believe in you like that. She got them on and off the bus safely, and I hope that they are so close when they are older.

I watched a handsome black man in a three piece suit and matching fedora taking care of his adorable little kid, and I watched him exit the bus with a stroller and watched him set it up on the sidewalk as soon as they exited. You don't see that everyday. The man as the primary caretaker. Que quapo. And this is what made me think, I would really like to dress up as a man for Halloween, if I do go to Emily's yearly rager. The matching fedora is what did it. (And I was listening to Sexy back by JT at the moment) But then I thought, what man do I already look like? And this ended in me buying fake beard at Halloween World and gluing it on my face at 3:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Emma took photos of Philip and I for at least an hour. It was a family moment. We made a memory together, and I think Judy will be horrified, but also get a really good laugh out of it.

I dressed back as a woman for house church, but was peeling glue off of my chin the whole time. Derek talked about God's peace vs. our anxiety, and I thought about how blessed I am to not be struggling with anxiety anymore. He had a really beautiful point about how God wants to hear from us, because He chose us, and we chose Him, and how beautiful that relationship is.  
Thank you God that you chose me.

"I'm getting to know you, Rachel."
"I'm getting to know you! Getting to feel free and easy!" I started to sing while he handed stuff out the drive through. I stopped, because I remembered the next words. "I'm not going to waltz with you, Ian."

Missed the first bus. Got most of the way to the bus stop, but then realized I didn't even have my whole book bag. I thought, can I live without it? And then realized I couldn't get on the bus without my pass.

I kinda wish Fall break had been another week. But I have a couple short weeks at work (finally) to work on huge papers and maybe see my friends and other projects I started.
I have a graduation appointment with the advisor I saw four years ago who basically told me I didn't have my crap together. And I still don't have my crap together, but if you keep at it...at college, you will eventually get it done, even if it takes ten years, because you did things like take a few semesters off to watch TV or go boating.

Also, stretching with a purpose is really helping my back and my wrists. YOGA.  I feel so good just from running more and stretching all the time.

rachel gets a massage.

I had a Groupon, and I finally went to use it, since my back has been killing me and I got off of work at 12:30. But it became, kind of an existential problem for me, if that's the right word for it.

A massage is kind of a medical thing, in that the therapist I got was wearing scrubs, and was heralding the benefits of massage, and saying how insurance companies should pay for it. But it felt different from being at the doctor's, because the whole time I was thinking, Does she think I am fat? Does she notice the Dalmatian bruises I have all over my legs? Does she think I am ugly? I thought this last one as I turned my face toward her, and had my eyes covered, and she was standing directly over me. Of course she is staring at my double chin.

"I'm working out." I wanted to say, "I'm trying to lose weight," I wanted to defend myself. "I haven't eaten a single pastry all day," I thought. I had to convince myself that she loved her job, and loved massaging chubby people like me, so I said, "Do you love being a massage therapist?"
"Oh yes," she said, like I think she says to all the chubby people. I tried to think that massaging skinny people would be like trying to pet Celisse's bony dog. It is weird paying someone to touch you.
I kept her talking, so she would have to like me as a person, and in the end she showed me some good exercises for my wrists, since she thinks I'm getting carpal tunnel, which I never thought would happen to me.
I loved every minute, really.

It's nice to work only one job. I'm loving Fall break, on a whole. I'm excited to be half done with the semester, even though I am regretting the end of my education, piece by piece. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the New Year. God is so good to me. Every day.

"I made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. It removes the taste of being frozen. She marveled at this, and I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again. The day felt like a birthday, our first, and we ourselves were the gifts, to be opened again and again."
from Miranda July's Ten True Things. I love how she writes, I get lost in it.

and as Jenny Lewis would say, the days come to me like sailors, and I watch them as they sail away.
I don't have much of my own words to say tonight. I don't get sad, that's good. I still get happy, that's very good. I had a moment of euphoria, even, at work the other day.
The day started a beautiful way of me driving to work when it was just starting to get enough sun to light up the sleepy, crystal clear valley. It is only this way in the cold. And my heater was starting to warm up the air, and I was so pleased to be wearing gloves and a jacket at 6 a.m.
This is a very hard thing to explain, this crystal clear thing. It is like a moment when the colors pop out to you, and you realize how wonderful your life is when you don't have a headache, and you don't have any social engagements tonight, and you can't think of a single sin. It's the moment you clean your glasses and put them back on, and then you realize the world is a lot different than you just thought you were looking at a second ago.
So the moment of euphoria came three or four hours after that. Mixed with sleepy giddiness and one latte, and Jordan wasn't there, I looked around the room and I wanted to say, "I love you. I love you. I love all of you and I want you to come to my party." And at the party, they were going to laugh at all of my jokes, and I would smile, but not smile so big as to crinkle my eyes, and the weather would be like falling asleep in a soft bed. And the music would be Frank Sinatra and Grizzly Bear, and the hors d'oeuvres would be sushi.


It is a powerful thing to have a moment like that. And a very surprising one to have it at Starbucks.

I end up confessing all of my sins to Martha. This is easiest, as she has nothing to do with my real life, and she never judges me. And she is, of course, an eager listener, because who doesn't want to hear another person's deepest secrets?

She has become my therapist. I can tell her anything. I think when I am done here, I will keep coming back to tell her and Misha the secrets. Coming in to say, I like your new haircut. Coming in to say, here is a candy bar, and I really miss you. Coming to say, I married Mike in Vegas, and I'm having second thoughts about him now.


Sometimes in the depths of my empathy towards my poor miserable clients, I still want to lean back and say, "Even though your life is falling apart, you could still probably brush your teeth before leaving the house."


And everyday I get to about lunch time, and wonder why I thought it was a good idea to try to tease my hair into more volume. I end up with bumpy nests in the back of my head, like a drunk 9th grader.

"Thank you for calling ----- Bank, this is Rachel, how can I help you?"
"Wow. You sound like a real person."
"Well, I am a real person. What can I do for you?"
-weird conversation I had with this person this morning who took at least a minute and a half to disclose what her name was

The days are winding down. I am going to miss this place. I'm not going to miss this place. I'm not going to miss Sunday night texts that say, "Please bring your plan of action on how you are going to meet the branch's goals tomorrow," but I will miss putzing my way through the day with two of the coolest girls I have met in a long time. I will miss the pay. I won't miss my boss's mood swings. But I will think of every one there in love and respect.

It is almost autumn. I don't mind the slow transition. It's pretty nice.

oh hi.

How often do you get to give the same person your two weeks notice twice? Well, usually every year, or twice a year if you are me.

I gave G my two weeks notice last night, which I was dreading, but we really had a good conversation, and I feel positive about where I am leaving things with her. So in two weeks, I will officially be back to only wearing coffee-flavored clothes and sometimes I worry that I made the wrong decision, but I feel like Starbucks might be the only company to accommodate all the traveling and shenanigans I am getting myself into in 2012.

And someday I will be giving them my two weeks again. I need to try newer things than coffee and banks, I guess.

 As I was trying to figure out how to open a window on the bus, because the guy behind me kept farting, the bus pulled up to one of its scheduled stops, and this couple who was sitting a few rows in front of me, kissed each other like Barbies, but all I could see was the look on the girl's face, and she looked deliriously happy. She gets up to get off the bus, and smiles at him the whole time. When she steps down to the sidewalk, she keeps smiling and looking at him, and he keeps watching her and they just keep smiling at each other like idiots. Everyone on the bus is watching them, because you never see this. It's not lust, it's not some couple making out in front of a high school. I think that's why we want to watch them.
My new psychology brain says that it's limerence and it's only going to last for so long, but it's a nice thing to see. I think about how long it's been since I felt that way about anyone, but I still smile.
The bus is sometimes my favorite part of the day.

"And I am one of your people
But the cars don't stop
And it's been a long time since before I've been touched
Now I'm getting touched all the time
And it's only a matter of whom
And it's only a matter of when

An addiction to hands and feet-
There's a meat market down the street..."
-Regina Spektor

  

There is a moment, in Wes Anderson's Hotel Chevalier when Natalie Portman says, "Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend." and Jason Schwartzman replies, "I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever." 

And usually I relate most with Jason's character, of being left and still loving someone even though he/she does not deserve it, and hating myself because of it.

But today I am Natalie Portman, wanting to leave, wanting Martha still to love me. Wanting to have my cake and eat it too.

I'm afraid after cutting all the ties off, that I'm going to feel like I made a mistake. But I'm also sure that I will feel free. I don't know, in the end, if I like "free". But I know that I like movement.

Natalie Portman: I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.

Jason Schwartzman: I don't care.

another Pleasant Valley Sunday


Last night, as I passed Tegan and Sara's exit, I smiled. "I'm sleeping in my own bed, next to no dogs, tonight!" and then after what felt like 3 hours of sleep, my alarm went off.

I think things are going to be good. I have about 3 weeks of hell, coming up, but then I will only be working one job, it will be Fall Break, and maybe I will lose a little more weight.

Everyday is a gift from God. He surprises me, He blesses me.
-I get to work with Christians now.
-I received a small pell grant to put toward this year's student loans.
-I've become a professional house-sitter and it is a nice income on the side.
-My friendships are growing and changing. Mostly growing.
...And my anxiety is gone. I don't get panicky anymore.

and my brother, the hipster

"Do we have "Catch for Us the Foxes" on CD?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Dang, I was going to make a tape of it."
"You could rip it to CD, put it in the stereo, then make a tape of it, HA!"
"Oh the irony of being a hipster...it's only hip if you have to go out of your way to make it work."
-My text message conversation with Philip last night

He just recently bought a car, and it only has a tape player, and rather than get one of those cassette tapes that plugs into your iPhone, he will only use actual tapes, because that's how cool he is. Makes me miss the old days.

This is how house sitting is starting to make me feel.
Like a Sim, whose social bar is red.

Dogs are not replacements for people.
It's been a crazy-interesting week. We'll see how it goes.
God is good, even though I get myself thigh deep in the pudding of terrible decisions. I know it will all work out, and I am still having the time of my life. There are people out there making poorer choices than me, which is slightly comforting...

An interesting thought, to close, because I've been reading my psychology text books all day: People in good partnerships have better health than those of us who are even happy not to be in a relationship. But people can actually die from the depression of a broken heart. They can get strokes or heart attacks from it. Love is a huge gamble. I guess. I am pretty well-off just loving Ryan Gosling from afar.

Well, as I was eating raw hamburger on Saturday night, I knew that the right thing to do would be to go throw it up.

But instead, I am paying for it now. And yesterday. But it could be a lot worse.

KG stayed the night with me, and it was really nice to not be scared at all, and to have someone to talk to. I guess I am already tired of living alone, and my little-purple-house hopes are dashed.
I woke up during the night, and forgot she was there, and I thought, that is a nice surprise that you are with me.

We went up to the mountains pretty early this morning and met up with Becky L. and we had a really lovely hike up I think it is called Mineral Fork? It was beautiful, and not too hard of a hike, and part of it was hiking up water. It was the perfect temperature. It is so much easier to talk to God when you are breathing clean air. But we live our lives in the valley, so we get gas masks and try to shine lights out into the fog.

We ate at a crappy Mexican restaurant and then I accidentally collapsed into a two hour nap with Tegan and Sara's dogs, and I really liked them for that whole time. I like them more each time I come home, and there is not pee on the floor.


I am incandescently happy to have and to hold September.

I told my coworkers all day about how excited I was to have a place to watch movies all by myself, and how excited I was to spend Friday night alone. They were so happy for me.

After work, I went grocery shopping. This is the list of things I bought:
-sweet potatoes
-garlic
-hamburger
-ice cream
-corn dogs
-miniature Kit Kats
-Sailor Jerry
-Bottle of cheap red wine

I forgot Asiago cheese.

So you can see it was going to be a wonderful night, and I had enough food to feed a whole party, even though I was just going to be me.

And then I get a text.
"I'm not going to that party, do you want to go to Ikea and get Swedish meatballs?"

We ate our own meals, (I made salsa when I got "home") and we didn't fight, the whole night. I am hopeful, that I am getting better at my relationships, and the right amount of distance and closeness, because everything felt so amazing by the end of the week. Looking out the windows of Ikea, and looking at my friend, everything had such clarity. The colors seemed richer. My student loans more settled. Employers everywhere were waiting for me to quit my job and work for them.

I feel like I can be the kind of girl who RSVPs to things, and who can make herself eat only one Toaster Strudel in the morning.  The kind of girl who turns in her homework before it is due, and works out....two times a week.

And the future has a lot to look forward to right now. I would say, even, a 10 out of 10. :)

I just wrote a really long post about how I almost had to pee behind a building in the scarier part of SLC last night. But I deleted it because I figured it would be kind of boring.

I forgot how you can't really catch your breath when you are working and going to school, and doing foolish things like thinking you are good at using public transit as your lifestyle.
I didn't pee behind a building, or even in a car.

You never think you are going to live on six hours a night. But you do. And you don't even need coffee, is the truth.

One funny thing is that a woman came in to my bank this morning and was there before I got there, and then still had to sit in the car until the branch was open.
When I finally opened the door to let her in, she said, "I've been waiting in the car for an hour." She slid across the counter a single dollar bill. "This is for deposit," she said.
"Why did you come here so early?" I laughed at her, not even one bit sympathetic.
"It's the only time I can."
"Well why didn't you leave your deposit in the night drop or use the ATM?" I asked her, providing a simple, time-effective solution. She just stared at me, and when she realized how foolish she had been, she just got angry.
People are funny. You can rely on that. 
   But don't rely on mortgage rates staying so low after next year. I am pretty disappointed. I wanted to buy a little purple house and have a compost pile in the back yard.

"I think the main reason that being a Mormon didn't workout for me was that I couldn't take wearing long shorts."
-Stesha, and I have to agree, in this horrible weather

Grateful that:

-Summer is almost over
-School is in session
-Plans are being made for exciting trips next year
-I am so well taken care of by a kind God
-Life comes a day at a time

I am really not very stressed out about anything anymore. How did this happen?

No Makeup Monday

Both Martha and I showed up with no makeup on, which is extremely unusual for work, and I could tell it made G just want to duct tape us to our chairs until she could fix the PROBLEM.

I also wore white socks (Que Unprofessional!) just to show how much I wanted to come to work today after such a lovely weekend with friends and family and burritos. Also, I didn't have any clean black ones. That's why. And even though I ironed a week's worth of nice shirts last night, I wore a an old Starbucks collared shirt I got at Wal-Mart three years ago. I know you are impressed by how I let loose.


I felt like it extended my weekend by a few minutes though.

And you know what? I got to the end of a long starving day, and I realized, "Oh my gosh. I don't have to come back here tomorrow." Because tomorrow is my favorite day of the year, besides Thanksgiving and October 27th, and January 1st.

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Today this guy walked up to Martha's counter, and I couldn't tell where I knew him from, but his face was so familiar.


Maybe because he looked like Spock from Star Trek.

So I thought here is a famous retired Hollywood actor right in front of us, and I smiled, and he instantly moved to my counter.

"Hi, I didn't know you worked here!" He said.
"Where do I know you from?" I asked.
"From bla-bla ward!" He said.
"Nope. I don't go to that ward." Ha ha ha.
"Oh, well you certainly look like Angela, what is your name? Oh Rachel. Wow that is weird, you look like Angela."
"Nope, I guess we look familiar to each other for no reason," I said.
"Yes, well, Angela's kid is always running around during sacrament and her husband is running after her, and Angela just sits there and laughs!" He told me.
Well sir, I am not Angela, so it is just weird that you are telling me this.

For all I know, since Angela looks just like me, she stole my husband and my kid, and converted them to the LDS faith. I'm not sure how I feel about this woman.
I finished the transaction and tried to figure out how I could work into the conversation that I wanted this guy to either invest/apply for a credit card/refinance his house, and just sighed as he walked out.

Martha just laughed, and she stared off into the distance. "That was weird," she said.

Top ten reasons to keep letting the bank make a sales-whore out of me:
-free catered lunches every once in a while
-I am not getting up at 3:45 am to hand coffee out the window to mean people
-paid holidays
-providing for my wife and kids. Oh whoops, that's not me
-my teller coworkers

and that's not ten reasons. That's just it.
Thank you God that I survived all the way to Friday by Your grace alone. Now for some unashamed laying around and reading for two days.

Alaska.

I finished the Out of the Wild: Alaskan Experiment tonight. I cried at the end. I don't know what it is about me that I can't cry at the appropriate times, like when Judy was trying to say goodbye in so many ways. I haven't cried during worship music. 
But I cried at the end of a TV show when 4 people who subjected themselves to horrible conditions found train tracks in the wilderness, and a train picked them up and took them back to their families.

I want to be on Out of the Wild season 3. They've got to be casting soon, right?

I had my usual guilty snack (every third day) of rice. 
"She's eating your food," my dad said to C. (She eats rice and chicken because she is old and throws up anything else)
"I know, I'm so mean! Rice, yum," I said, because I am not supposed to be eating grains. I walked in the other room.
"Noah, will you please move to Alaska with me for a year?" I say this because Philip is pretty worthless to me by now. He has his own agenda, which is not as cool as mine, and he's too involved with his own plans to do anything really cool with me.
"Why the heck would I want to move to Alaska?" He replies, pulling his earphones off his head for a moment, pausing his Youtube video.
"Because, it is a real adventure," I tell him. Maybe at 13, he doesn't have the same call of the wild as you get when you get older and realize civilization sucks. He has a Call of Duty. I think, maybe if I told him he could bring the PS3, he would be more likely to say yes. Still, I feel like I need one of my brothers to go there with me. So it's not going to happen for now.


I feel like several Henry David Thoreau quotes would be appropriate here.


"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."


"All good things are wild and free."

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

I could keep going, but I don't even like Thoreau that much.
I just need an excuse.

"Dang it, that was such a good opportunity and I missed it!"

"What, you mean how you forgot to ask that cute guy out on a date?"

"No. I mean, I can't believe I didn't mention our mortgage rates to him."

-Me and Martha. On a daily basis. Life as a single female bank teller.

"I'm always amazed by how quickly a pre-dinner snack can turn into eating an entire jar of pickles."
- a Keaton status update that I had to record so I can look back and laugh again later

might as well do a "Judy-ism" (as Jeremy R. calls them) as well

"I always tell God--and I know He doesn't like it--that if You do this, then it means this..."
-Judy on signs from God. Specifically about who I'm going to marry if her epidural works out.

"I have a uniquely German capacity to vacillate between sentimentality and coldness."
-Tina Fey, describing a trait I see very much in my German family. :)

 

I finally got an invite to Pinterest today, and so of course that is all I've been doing for the past two hours. But (here comes the justification) I think this is at least better than just watching Netflix and eating M&M's all night. (Oh yeah, like last night.)  I am a bit disappointed in myself for the way I spend a lot of my free time. When I was out east, I read so much, and I was writing more.

So. I started a big writing project here, (as requested by the lovely Kelsea) and now I have all sorts of other inspiration for artsy stuff from endlessly surfing stranger's ideas on the internet.

This weekend, I did get in two great workouts, and my room looks fantastic. It is starting to look like the kind of place I would want to live in if I moved out. I realize how that sounds.
Maybe I will never move out then...
Okay, you talked me into it. I will always live here.

I'm not saying that having a Netflix night is bad, but I need to learn moderation. In everything. We have so few hours in between work and work...

I saw this sign the day we were walking around Chicago. It was on the left side of a door, and on the other side was a sign just like it that said:

you are strong.

I didn't get a picture, and I have been looking for one (why wouldn't there be millions of copies on the whole wide internet) but anyway.

I feel like I'm starting to get my personality back. Feeling like I don't want to just sleep all the time. Feel like I like to live here, again.

17 days until September finally starts.

Only one more week of hard work before school starts, and then things get really truly wonderful.

"honestly, I'm down like the economy"

Every morning I wake up at four a.m.

It used to be in fear, and I faced my demons and let them keep me awake for three months.

Now, I am in Utah, and I still wake up at four, though not with nightmares. I think they are visiting someone else now, maybe a coworker, or someone I've handed a latte to, years ago. But I still wake, and every time, as I move out of paralysis and get up to get a glass of water and use the restroom, I realize that I just woke up from Iowa. In my dreams.


To make a long story short:

a) I am having a hard time adjusting to my old real life.
b) I am having a hard time feeling anything at all.

I listen to people talk about their passions, and I wish for their passion, but I think things will be a LOT easier for me when school starts back up. Because, school is my passion, and I think....actually....writing is. Working everyday at a job I feel mediocre about is: Just Getting By, no matter what shoes I'm wearing or how strangers respond to me on the phone.

I am guessing that God has a lot of stuff to throw at me this year, and I am excited about it, and willing to change and grow.

I want to love deeper. I want to participate in real life.

Cheers to speaking in an American accent, relying on the internet for way more than I should, and having a new start everyday.

one nice thing about the past is that we don't have to relive it.

I know I am guilty of spending a lot of time in nostalgia, but as I was cleaning my Hoarders room this weekend, I opened up an old journal that I didn't even remember writing in.

I read some of my horrifying history from a very crazy year of my life, and thanked God that it is so far away now, and that I learned so much from it, and that I never have to do that messed up crap over again. Even though I thought it was awesome at the time.

I just gotta figure out what the heck I am doing now.
There are some things I know.

Only Jesus is cool. 
I love spicy food. 
No one person is going to make you happy, because other people are just as broken as you. Drink more water, and less of everything else. 
There is a time for video games, and there is a time for socializing. 
Don't eat the sushi if a rich guy is paying for it, and you don't see a girlfriend for him anywhere at the table. 
If you can possibly bring a pair of tennis shoes, do.
and, if you stay home and do homework instead of going out with your friends, you will save STRESS and MONEY.

These are my sureties. And I know that new ones will develop, over the next 100 years.

"Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you babe, at the backs of other women. 
And I tap on their shoulder, and they turn around smiling, but there's no recognition in their eyes."
-Regina Spektor


Long week. I'm not so scared to keep doing it, it just feels like it doesn't mean much yet.
Except the beautiful people I know.
I know and love.
But I forget how to talk to, and break my arms around the ones I love. I lose my personality in between the phone calls I am paid for, and standing around in pressed black pants.
I love, and I lack. And I am sorry about the lack. But we press onward and we find old clothes in our closets that fit our new selves.

"Oh summer in the city, means cleavage cleavage cleavage.
And don't get me wrong dear, in general I'm doing quite fine.
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone
from this city, I start to miss you baby, sometimes."

Well, I don't know what to say about a lot of stuff.

The conclusion is that I am happy to be back to my friends, and so grateful for their kindnesses to me. Love, love, love, love, love.

And then the results of being gone for so long:

...my room looks like a science experiment or a Hoarding: Buried Alive episode

...being back at work is like, are you serious? I have to do this every day? And then when you get to the end of the day, you get five blissful hours before bed, and then you think again, What? I have to go back to work AGAIN tomorrow?

...oh yeah, about all that ice cream I was eating...shoot.

...but! I forgot how amazing alone time is. I haven't had any, and it is so good to just be by myself for three hours in swimming pools and cardio cinemas

Conclusion II

Everything is going to be pretty awesome. How could it not be, with September right around the corner?

"Noah, not every disease is an airborne disease."

"If I cough in your mouth, you will get a disease."

-Emma, then Noah

"I left home, a long long time ago, in a tin can for the road, with a suitcase and some songs..."

On our way back to Iowa, we passed these outlets that we stopped at last year. We stopped there because one of Noah's shoes caught on fire at the farm and he did not have one single alternate pair.

So we got some extra shoes, but I remember last year when I was standing in that parking lot I was having a text-message conversation with an old friend (who had gotten mixed up in a past one of my crazy Liz Lemon schemes! No, I am the protagonist!) and how he asked me if I was happy, and at the end of the day I thought, I don't really know. And of all the people, he told me I should move to Iowa.

And then God provided me with a test-run summer to live out here, and I ended up loving it even more than I possibly thought I could.

So now comes....I guess a year of prayer. Although, when I was walking around Chicago for six hours, I realized all the things I love about SLC, and how even though it is a whole different country from the United States, Utah still seems to have more culture than Iowa, even if it is much less educated.

I miss the church body in SLC, but the good thing is that the church body is everywhere.

Still. I am very, very excited and terrified to go back and to try to get up each day and pretend I know what I'm doing, or what I used to do. I remember pho. I remember Este. I remember my close friends and laughing over wine and board games, watching zombie shows, waking up in my bank clothes at their houses, and riding in cars through blizzards and listening to Weezer with them.

I am so full of happy.

"How these days grow long, and I'm on my way back home, it's been hard to be away. How I miss you and I just want to kiss you, and I'm going to love you til my dying day." -Brandi Carlile

At the moment I am deep in the heart of the country.

It is very hard to live without internet, but on the otherhand I've never gotten to eat so much icecream in my entire life.

Weekend Update

Yesterday we went to a really cute movie theatre at the college that Judy and Phil went to. It was adorable, and I wish I could have taken pictures, but it would have been way awkward and "touristy" so I didn't. There was only one theatre, and it was gigantic. The lobby was tiny, with only two people working it, running back and forth to rip tickets and make popcorn. The bathrooms were like little closets with sinks and toilets inside them.

We saw Midnight in Paris and I loved every minute of it. I don't want to ruin anything, so I'm not going to say one word. Owen Wilson just never lets me down. If I am ever having a horrible day, or anxiety, or just want to feel better about anything, I just have an Owen-fest.

Today, we had a picnic with my "Uncle" Roger. He's Judy's brother, so he's a great uncle, but we've always just called him Uncle Roger because the whole family does. He is a very eccentric old man, and unless you've met him, you could never understand how funny he is. He is serious and collegiate, but really goofy. We ate on their back porch, and one of his sons (Paul) brought his wife and two daughters that are my age.
One thing I like about this side of the family, is that there is incredible push/support to get a good education, but no stress to actually get a good job. Paul is a doctor, but is just as goofy as Uncle Roger, and his wife has a Ph.D in some kind of ministry or seminary or counseling. One daughter has a degree that I can't remember, but is now living in Mexico and riding her bike a lot, and the other daughter is getting a degree in History. The three of us will probably not be getting degree-specific jobs, I am guessing.

I always tell you how much I am cooking, but here is a picture. My blog doesn't have much color most of the time.

We made beignets for breakfast, and we drink weak flavored coffee (I know what you are thinking, "You worked at Starbucks!") and there are some delicious strawberries.  It was great, but the house smelled like beignets all day, and in a bad way.

The neighbor kid comes and knocks on the door about 4 times a day. Kids are already bored by summer. "If you need to talk to me," he says, "My mom's cell phone number is......" Which is hilarious.

We have kind of been watching some heavy movies. We watched The Godfather a couple days ago, which made me remember I wanted to marry an Italian. But then yesterday we watched The Green Mile, which I had also never seen. It was one of those moments where I just cried and worshipped God, and made me so thankful for mercy.

I also had a moment when Judy asked me, "Do you think this would look good in your front yard?" And I couldn't remember what my front yard in Utah looked like. I pictured the yard here, and it took me a few tries to pull up my memory of our home in Salt Lake.

How do I reconcile? I know there will be good parts about going back. Seeing loved ones. But my heart will ache for my home here.

When I was little, we sometimes kept Cool Whip in the fridge, and I'd walk by and if no one was looking, I'd stick my finger in and eat a big glob of it.

One day my dad caught me and that was that. I couldn't eat the Cool Whip anymore.

And now I'm an adult and I can eat a whole tub of Cool Whip if I want.

Day 40

I am still glad every morning that I wake up in Iowa.

Uncle Bill came out to teach out here over the past few days, and had lunch with us (Maid Rites - they are like a sloppy joe, sort of. Mmmm) and then we went to see him speak at the church. It was really awesome to worship with the college kids out here. I looked around and told Judy, "This would never happen in Utah." About how there were so many kids going to College and Church. As in, our church. Four girls introduced themselves to us, and they were very nice. Not one single girl sat next to a single guy in the whole room of like, 100 people. It reminds me of how Colorado probably still is too. And I think it is awesome that they are killing it at the old fashioned way that our movement is kind of supposed to do dating and socializing, but I heaved a sigh of relief that we don't follow that very closely in Utah, and that we can have a room full of guys and girls who are actually friends and actually talk to each other and can ride in cars together and still stay pure somehow. :)

I am enjoying not having headaches. I don't know if I can attribute it to being here and not there, but usually May through August I have a headache every single morning I wake up. I've had maybe 5 headaches total since I've left Utah. Could be the sleep, the cleaner air, or just not having stress. If you have migraines, you know that it is such a different world to live without the pain.

God is good. I don't deserve His goodness, but I am so thankful that He chose me.

"Oh. That girl combed her hair with an egg-beater. We should pull up next to her and yell, "You look like a pineapple!" Better not. She might have a gun and shoot us."
- Judy, on the girl in the car in front of us, who had a messy bun on top of her head

"Well. We are really good cooks. And this dinner is going to be great because we are sick of eating out. Or maybe we're not."
- always rethinking her current statements. I got her to try Greek food for the first time in her life. We went to the Greek fair and had Gyros, and she LOVED it. She asked the woman at the booth to tell us how to pronounce it, and now when she wants to make me laugh, she will just be talking with her normal accent, and then twist up her mouth and say, "Yee-hi-roes" in her imitation Greek accent.

We just have a lot of fun. We've been laughing a lot today.

No place like home.

I'm getting more confused which direction is supposed to be home.  I'm happier here than I've been since...probably 2008. (Part of it could be that I'm not working, not stressed about papers, I'm on top of a mountain with my relationship with God, and having healthy amounts of sleep) But part of it is spending all this time with someone who is so easy to talk to, and wants to be with me, and spills out love when touched.

I love my friends and family in Utah so much.
But at the moment, it's hard to picture not coming back here for good.

"She used to have the cutest short hair."
-Judy, absentmindedly, on a news reporter. She always laments when women sell out and let their hair grow

I was telling her this animated story about turning lanes today while we were driving on our way to a doctor appointment and waving my arms around and laughing about it, and I looked over and she was just smiling at me. "I'm glad you're here." She said, in reply to my story. And it's moments like that. I want to freeze time. Sleeping in, and then when we finally wake up, I just go in her room and lay on her quilt and we just talk with no age-gap between us.

I've been away from Utah long enough to start to believe in real love again. To melt my heart when I see my grandparents talk about their deceased spouses. To realize that yes, you can make a love last 50 years. I don't pretend to know how to hope for that myself (perhaps the Lord will come back before that affection could stir up within me. It would take a lightning bolt to feel butterflies again) but I have to recognize that it happens for other people. And that is a beautiful thing.

If only I could steal one of those stories and sell it as a novel. I might need another summer for that.

I've been at the farm for 5 days, without the internet.


I forgot what I was going to say about Greyhound buses (they are not as romantic as DCFC makes them out to be), farm chores, and the heavy but serene beauty of being out in the real country.

I mowed the lawn on a rider-mower which I can't remember if I have ever done. And I caught a possum (sp?) and two raccoons. Vermin! ha.

I talked to Shannon (ON THE PHONE!) for half an hour yesterday. She is the first voice I have heard (other than my family) from home, in 32 days. I fell in love with her all over again. 


I am packing up my little blue bag again, and moving onward.

Each day that goes by, I miss home so much, but I also feel like this is home.
These are not so much Judy's dishes, but now they are our dishes. Our routines intertwine.

This may sound ridiculous, but feels like reality.

I have a plane ticket back to Salt Lake tomorrow that I'm not going to use. If I had known, packing my bag to come here, that I was going to be out here for 3 months, I would have packed a lot more stuff.

I miss my buddies. I miss Este Pizza. I miss my family. I even miss the Aussies.

But I'm really having a good time with Judy. And everyday I look at my surroundings and think that we are masochists to live in a desert when Iowa is so lush, and the air smells beautiful.

I did some gardening yesterday with Judy. I am not a gardener. She kept saying all these latin names, and I was like, I don't know what that is, and she said, "the pink flowers over there". I'm only good for pulling weeds.

And I was trying to stay really white due to skin cancer, but I have a really horrible farmer's tan.

Living away from Salt Lake and all my usual sights and tastes(I haven't had anything spicy in 20 days) starts to boil me down and I think of myself as this blank state.

This is what a lot of people wish for. A chance to start over and run away from your problems. And in this case, it really worked, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the people who usually help me solve the problems.

I got a lot of texts from people I love today, which sounds really stupid, but means a lot when I haven't seen any Salt Lakers in 3 weeks. And this is just the first "trimester" of my trip. Ha. But I take each day at a time and know I won't be given a gift so huge as this trip, again, for a really long time. Or maybe I will, this year could be God's way of saying, "Rachel, good job hanging in there for all of 2009 and the hard parts of 2010." I can't really tell if that is a sacrilegious thing to say. Right now I have some Benedryl  starting to kick in.

So here are some of my action steps in hitting the reset button while I am out here in the fields of waving grain.
- I've been catching up on my daily Bible readings. (I am only one month behind now. Woohoo!)
- I am trying to clean up my speech, in all ways.
- trying to be quick to serve.
- learning the stories, the heritage. Geesh. I am supposed to be writing these stories down.

Judy told me today that she cried really hard when we moved to Colorado to start a church. She was devastated. And I never really thought about that. We have always just kept moving farther and farther from home base, and it never seemed to phase my parents, but it was really hard on the grandparents.

I told Judy today that I feel like I am supposed to be writing my proverbial novel. You always see the writers go off into the country to write, but here I am watching Reality Television and painting my fingernails.

I will try harder. I will.

Maybe it was a little premature to say that I don't want to go back to Utah. I do miss people there. Especially my family.
I just don't miss the dog hair, the pollution, and doing the same old.

I will want to go back, just not right now.

We are talking about me staying here until the end of June, when I would then go to the farm with my family for most of July. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Blair Waldorf may summer in Paris, but this is the first time I've gotten to "summer" anywhere, and of course I would choose the Midwest. :)

I might not do my Into the Wild adventure this summer, but this is an adventure in itself.

I mean, I have been wearing the same 6 shirts over and over and over...

[x] Made my first quiche

I'm just learning all sorts of recipes.

I don't really want to go back to Utah, and this is a problem.

Receiving Gifts.

I feel downright spoiled, these days.

And there is something very hard for me, about receiving gifts. I'm the oldest child in my family, and we grew up in a very frugal household. I never wanted to owe my parents everything, so I've always had jobs to pay for the things that I wanted to enjoy, but wouldn't let my parents pay for.

I had my truck paid off by my first semester of college. I always bought my own clothes. I have never asked my parents for money.

Growing up this way has made it very hard for me to accept gifts. To receive a gift I haven't earned gives me that weird feeling in my gut. I have to live up to this, I think.

Since I got here, I have been lavishly showered in love and presents, and adoration by my grandmother, my grandfather, and even my great uncle. I think, that even though it is hard to receive this attention, it is a picture, also, of what Christ has done for me. Something that I can never repay. But it gives me drive in my gut to live up to something. Our works on earth will never bring us any closer to the arms of Jesus, but our servitude is a reflection of our gratitude.

I am more humbled and convicted each day of what a crumby human I am, and the Christ-follower I want to become. I want to leave a legacy.

I want to break the habit of staying up til 1am and getting up at 9am, but tonight is not the night, I guess.

I got to see my grandfather (Marvin) today and yesterday, because he is in town visiting his Iowa friends. This is the most cheerful I've seen him since two years ago. He didn't even start crying at lunch today when Gin told a story about my grandma. I did instead.

Life here is...good. The air smells like honey, and it's thick and muggy. I like the humidity. The streets are small, like the older parts of the Salt Lake valley, but very much unrepaired compared to Utah streets.
I am getting to know my way around Des Moines, even by myself. I know the street names and where they intersect, even though they don't have NorthSouthEastWest attached to them. I feel like a native more each day. I know I could stay, if God asked me to do that. I'd miss every one in Salt Lake really dreadfully, but I could do it.

I had a New Belgium 1554 tonight. I know you're jealous. If you live in Utah. But no matter if I just have one beer, or twenty, I always get a headache.

And also, I was using the electric blanket on my bed two days ago, and then the next day it was suddenly summer. And you might know I hate summer, but I was standing out on the lawn, accidentally enjoying the sprinklers, and I do have to admit that I have it in my heart to enjoy summer nights. But that's it. I am already dreaming of September Fashion, and Thanksgiving, and snowfall, and pumpkins. Call me a heretic.

Happy Mother's Day!

Today we made really delicious orange scones with really decadent frosting. Real scones, not Utah scones.

All of my grandmother's dishes are that elegant.

Mother's day is stressful for me (like, what holidays aren't?) because I never know how to say thank you enough for what a mother does. But I think saying thank you at all is a big deal. So, thanks to all moms!!

We watched all of Anne of Green Gables today, which is really long. Any L. M. Montgomery brings back age eleven through thirteen. That, and watching Pride and Prejudice last night has put me in kind of a sappy-romantic mood. That, and not seeing any men my age since my plane ride last week.

So here is a toast to mothers, and here is a toast to classic romance.
And maybe a toast to whatever Modern Romance is, and how that brings about more mothers.

"This might be long and boring. We don't know yet."
-Judy on film Hereafter

You might have heard Celisse and I pretending to be Judy while we watch movies. But I always have to laugh inside when I am actually watching a movie with the real Judy.

She does a thing of explaining to you what we usually already know, and she says this collectively, like we are just finding it out together. It's fun. Try it.

"Oh the girl is just now realizing she's in love with the guy."

Also, she falls asleep during movies a lot, like my dad, but she wakes up and then asks a whole bunch of questions, and then falls back asleep. Kind of like watching a movie with Noah, only he doesn't fall asleep. He just asks a lot of questions.

On a side note, I think Noah is going to turn out, somehow, to be the most wildly successful of all of us Tenenbaums.
He'll be the one ignoring our questions and phonecalls. And rightly so.

I looked down tonight at my hands, washing the coffeepot, and thought about each day that I do this. I like playing house.

And Judy was right. Hereafter was way long and boring. Too many plotlines, but not enough Magnolia-ness.

[x] make my first meatloaf

Yeah. That was a real thing on my fake bucket-list.

Sometimes Megan talks about the meals she is preparing, and she gets really wound up, and stresses out in a cute way about it. I thought making meatloaf was going to be really hard, because of all the questions I heard her asking people. But I love meatloaf (the food.) so much that I decided to do it anyway, and Judy gave me a recipe.

Megan and I can make meatloaf, and you can too.

I've been frying up potatoes, breaded fish, bacon...(yep, we've been eating pretty heavy meals) and we've been eating ice cream drumsticks every night. They are going to make me buy another seat when I fly back to Utah.

Just kidding.

I've been trying to run outside (hate it), and go up and down the stairs, and I'm trying to do push-ups and sit-ups when Judy is on the phone. I don't want her to know that I'm running up and down the stairs, because that is just embarrassing that I would think that is going to cancel out ice cream or melted Pepperjack turkey sandwiches. (Are you hungry yet?) I'm approximately skinnier than when I left, but I did buy a pair of sweat pants that I wear all day, so I really can't tell.

Iowa is treating me well. I haven't had heartburn, a headache, or a stomach ache since I've been here. Although my brain might be melting from watching too much TV, this is a short, blissful season of my life that I'm going to enjoy while it lasts.

sarahogren on Etsy

I was hiding underneath the sea. I was looking out for me. Just me, the fish and the sea.
Patrick Watson

I lay awake for a while at night, without my white noise, wondering about how I got to be the way I am, and what parts are the influence of my family. Jeremy once said, as he was walking out the door,
"Rachel, you have your mother's common sense, and your dad's cynicism. You've got common cynicism."

My dad's side of the family is extremely outgoing, laughs a lot, loves deeply, and worries about stuff until they get it over with.
I think that when I am outgoing, I am like them. Especially worrying about stuff.

My mother's side of the family is more introverted, and mostly keep things bottled inside, but also laughs a lot, they know how to have fun together.

I hope I am a mix of them. I know that my honesty of who I am deep down only comes out over wine with the Moores, or during Jazz games with Celisse and Bryan in their basement. Or eating out with Kelsea and Caleb. (Oh, I just figured it out, I'm a third wheel.) But otherwise I know that I can push things away to simmer for years, and I need to let go.

Being with Judy is really great so far. My heart is learning humility, I think. I look around at the pictures in her house, and think about how in-love my grandparents were until the day Phil went to Heaven. I feel my walls melting about the marriage thing. I realize marriage will turn out really good for some people. I won't close my heart off for good, even if my eyes are closed right now.

"Rachel, we're not teenagers anymore. We don't fall in love with every guy we see," Martha told me during my last week of work. And she's right. There's probably some hoser out there for me somewhere. And hopefully he's almost done becoming a Dermatologist.

Day One.

I woke up in Iowa. On the second floor of the Happily Ever After house. When you walk in this house, it smells better than any other place. I woke up late.
It is amazing to just sit and talk with Judy, and not worry about how I have to leave in 5 days. Or 6 days. Or even 20 days. To not think about vault combos, or account maintenance, or Spanish. I went grocery shopping for us, and the cashier and bagger both gave me a smiling welcome to Iowa.

There is no one as free as I am, right now.
I just wish she wasn't in so much pain. Twenty four hours a day. But she is encouraged and hopeful, which makes me encouraged and hopeful.

We made a short trip to the hospital, and on the way back I noticed a marquee under a sign for either a dry cleaner, or a car wash or something, and it said, Don't abandon your friend. Just like that. No explanation. And I thought, maybe their heart is broken. Or maybe it's just an ad that I don't understand.

MisNopalesArt on etsy

It is a strange thing that all that is holding our blood and guts and tissue inside is SKIN. Skin is amazing. It heels back over, you can graft it. It grows and changes with you. It amazes me that the worst that happens is that it will get wrinkly as we get older, and if we live a really long time, it gets papery and thin. We are very blessed at how many do-overs God lets us have with this single body we've been given.

72 hours from now, I'll be on a plane.

I can feel God protecting me and holding my hand through all of this. I'm watching him tie it up with a bow and give it to me like a present.
-I think I'm going to still have my job when I come back.
-Spanish Oral evaluations went pretty well, and I'm done with Spanish for the rest of my college career
-I'm 34% done with my Horror paper (so that must mean I have 10 more hours)

"Like a soldier, one foot in front of the other."
Regina Spektor

We keep going.