Each day that goes by, I miss home so much, but I also feel like this is home.
These are not so much Judy's dishes, but now they are our dishes. Our routines intertwine.
This may sound ridiculous, but feels like reality.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I have a plane ticket back to Salt Lake tomorrow that I'm not going to use. If I had known, packing my bag to come here, that I was going to be out here for 3 months, I would have packed a lot more stuff.
I miss my buddies. I miss Este Pizza. I miss my family. I even miss the Aussies.
But I'm really having a good time with Judy. And everyday I look at my surroundings and think that we are masochists to live in a desert when Iowa is so lush, and the air smells beautiful.
I did some gardening yesterday with Judy. I am not a gardener. She kept saying all these latin names, and I was like, I don't know what that is, and she said, "the pink flowers over there". I'm only good for pulling weeds.
And I was trying to stay really white due to skin cancer, but I have a really horrible farmer's tan.
I miss my buddies. I miss Este Pizza. I miss my family. I even miss the Aussies.
But I'm really having a good time with Judy. And everyday I look at my surroundings and think that we are masochists to live in a desert when Iowa is so lush, and the air smells beautiful.
I did some gardening yesterday with Judy. I am not a gardener. She kept saying all these latin names, and I was like, I don't know what that is, and she said, "the pink flowers over there". I'm only good for pulling weeds.
And I was trying to stay really white due to skin cancer, but I have a really horrible farmer's tan.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Living away from Salt Lake and all my usual sights and tastes(I haven't had anything spicy in 20 days) starts to boil me down and I think of myself as this blank state.
This is what a lot of people wish for. A chance to start over and run away from your problems. And in this case, it really worked, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the people who usually help me solve the problems.
I got a lot of texts from people I love today, which sounds really stupid, but means a lot when I haven't seen any Salt Lakers in 3 weeks. And this is just the first "trimester" of my trip. Ha. But I take each day at a time and know I won't be given a gift so huge as this trip, again, for a really long time. Or maybe I will, this year could be God's way of saying, "Rachel, good job hanging in there for all of 2009 and the hard parts of 2010." I can't really tell if that is a sacrilegious thing to say. Right now I have some Benedryl starting to kick in.
So here are some of my action steps in hitting the reset button while I am out here in the fields of waving grain.
- I've been catching up on my daily Bible readings. (I am only one month behind now. Woohoo!)
- I am trying to clean up my speech, in all ways.
- trying to be quick to serve.
- learning the stories, the heritage. Geesh. I am supposed to be writing these stories down.
Judy told me today that she cried really hard when we moved to Colorado to start a church. She was devastated. And I never really thought about that. We have always just kept moving farther and farther from home base, and it never seemed to phase my parents, but it was really hard on the grandparents.
I told Judy today that I feel like I am supposed to be writing my proverbial novel. You always see the writers go off into the country to write, but here I am watching Reality Television and painting my fingernails.
I will try harder. I will.
This is what a lot of people wish for. A chance to start over and run away from your problems. And in this case, it really worked, but that doesn't mean I don't miss the people who usually help me solve the problems.
I got a lot of texts from people I love today, which sounds really stupid, but means a lot when I haven't seen any Salt Lakers in 3 weeks. And this is just the first "trimester" of my trip. Ha. But I take each day at a time and know I won't be given a gift so huge as this trip, again, for a really long time. Or maybe I will, this year could be God's way of saying, "Rachel, good job hanging in there for all of 2009 and the hard parts of 2010." I can't really tell if that is a sacrilegious thing to say. Right now I have some Benedryl starting to kick in.
So here are some of my action steps in hitting the reset button while I am out here in the fields of waving grain.
- I've been catching up on my daily Bible readings. (I am only one month behind now. Woohoo!)
- I am trying to clean up my speech, in all ways.
- trying to be quick to serve.
- learning the stories, the heritage. Geesh. I am supposed to be writing these stories down.
Judy told me today that she cried really hard when we moved to Colorado to start a church. She was devastated. And I never really thought about that. We have always just kept moving farther and farther from home base, and it never seemed to phase my parents, but it was really hard on the grandparents.
I told Judy today that I feel like I am supposed to be writing my proverbial novel. You always see the writers go off into the country to write, but here I am watching Reality Television and painting my fingernails.
I will try harder. I will.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Maybe it was a little premature to say that I don't want to go back to Utah. I do miss people there. Especially my family.
I just don't miss the dog hair, the pollution, and doing the same old.
I will want to go back, just not right now.
We are talking about me staying here until the end of June, when I would then go to the farm with my family for most of July. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Blair Waldorf may summer in Paris, but this is the first time I've gotten to "summer" anywhere, and of course I would choose the Midwest. :)
I might not do my Into the Wild adventure this summer, but this is an adventure in itself.
I mean, I have been wearing the same 6 shirts over and over and over...
I just don't miss the dog hair, the pollution, and doing the same old.
I will want to go back, just not right now.
We are talking about me staying here until the end of June, when I would then go to the farm with my family for most of July. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Blair Waldorf may summer in Paris, but this is the first time I've gotten to "summer" anywhere, and of course I would choose the Midwest. :)
I might not do my Into the Wild adventure this summer, but this is an adventure in itself.
I mean, I have been wearing the same 6 shirts over and over and over...
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Receiving Gifts.
I feel downright spoiled, these days.
And there is something very hard for me, about receiving gifts. I'm the oldest child in my family, and we grew up in a very frugal household. I never wanted to owe my parents everything, so I've always had jobs to pay for the things that I wanted to enjoy, but wouldn't let my parents pay for.
I had my truck paid off by my first semester of college. I always bought my own clothes. I have never asked my parents for money.
Growing up this way has made it very hard for me to accept gifts. To receive a gift I haven't earned gives me that weird feeling in my gut. I have to live up to this, I think.
Since I got here, I have been lavishly showered in love and presents, and adoration by my grandmother, my grandfather, and even my great uncle. I think, that even though it is hard to receive this attention, it is a picture, also, of what Christ has done for me. Something that I can never repay. But it gives me drive in my gut to live up to something. Our works on earth will never bring us any closer to the arms of Jesus, but our servitude is a reflection of our gratitude.
I am more humbled and convicted each day of what a crumby human I am, and the Christ-follower I want to become. I want to leave a legacy.
I feel downright spoiled, these days.
And there is something very hard for me, about receiving gifts. I'm the oldest child in my family, and we grew up in a very frugal household. I never wanted to owe my parents everything, so I've always had jobs to pay for the things that I wanted to enjoy, but wouldn't let my parents pay for.
I had my truck paid off by my first semester of college. I always bought my own clothes. I have never asked my parents for money.
Growing up this way has made it very hard for me to accept gifts. To receive a gift I haven't earned gives me that weird feeling in my gut. I have to live up to this, I think.
Since I got here, I have been lavishly showered in love and presents, and adoration by my grandmother, my grandfather, and even my great uncle. I think, that even though it is hard to receive this attention, it is a picture, also, of what Christ has done for me. Something that I can never repay. But it gives me drive in my gut to live up to something. Our works on earth will never bring us any closer to the arms of Jesus, but our servitude is a reflection of our gratitude.
I am more humbled and convicted each day of what a crumby human I am, and the Christ-follower I want to become. I want to leave a legacy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I want to break the habit of staying up til 1am and getting up at 9am, but tonight is not the night, I guess.
I got to see my grandfather (Marvin) today and yesterday, because he is in town visiting his Iowa friends. This is the most cheerful I've seen him since two years ago. He didn't even start crying at lunch today when Gin told a story about my grandma. I did instead.
Life here is...good. The air smells like honey, and it's thick and muggy. I like the humidity. The streets are small, like the older parts of the Salt Lake valley, but very much unrepaired compared to Utah streets.
I am getting to know my way around Des Moines, even by myself. I know the street names and where they intersect, even though they don't have NorthSouthEastWest attached to them. I feel like a native more each day. I know I could stay, if God asked me to do that. I'd miss every one in Salt Lake really dreadfully, but I could do it.
I had a New Belgium 1554 tonight. I know you're jealous. If you live in Utah. But no matter if I just have one beer, or twenty, I always get a headache.
And also, I was using the electric blanket on my bed two days ago, and then the next day it was suddenly summer. And you might know I hate summer, but I was standing out on the lawn, accidentally enjoying the sprinklers, and I do have to admit that I have it in my heart to enjoy summer nights. But that's it. I am already dreaming of September Fashion, and Thanksgiving, and snowfall, and pumpkins. Call me a heretic.
I got to see my grandfather (Marvin) today and yesterday, because he is in town visiting his Iowa friends. This is the most cheerful I've seen him since two years ago. He didn't even start crying at lunch today when Gin told a story about my grandma. I did instead.
Life here is...good. The air smells like honey, and it's thick and muggy. I like the humidity. The streets are small, like the older parts of the Salt Lake valley, but very much unrepaired compared to Utah streets.
I am getting to know my way around Des Moines, even by myself. I know the street names and where they intersect, even though they don't have NorthSouthEastWest attached to them. I feel like a native more each day. I know I could stay, if God asked me to do that. I'd miss every one in Salt Lake really dreadfully, but I could do it.
I had a New Belgium 1554 tonight. I know you're jealous. If you live in Utah. But no matter if I just have one beer, or twenty, I always get a headache.
And also, I was using the electric blanket on my bed two days ago, and then the next day it was suddenly summer. And you might know I hate summer, but I was standing out on the lawn, accidentally enjoying the sprinklers, and I do have to admit that I have it in my heart to enjoy summer nights. But that's it. I am already dreaming of September Fashion, and Thanksgiving, and snowfall, and pumpkins. Call me a heretic.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!
Today we made really delicious orange scones with really decadent frosting. Real scones, not Utah scones.
All of my grandmother's dishes are that elegant.
Mother's day is stressful for me (like, what holidays aren't?) because I never know how to say thank you enough for what a mother does. But I think saying thank you at all is a big deal. So, thanks to all moms!!
We watched all of Anne of Green Gables today, which is really long. Any L. M. Montgomery brings back age eleven through thirteen. That, and watching Pride and Prejudice last night has put me in kind of a sappy-romantic mood. That, and not seeing any men my age since my plane ride last week.
So here is a toast to mothers, and here is a toast to classic romance.
And maybe a toast to whatever Modern Romance is, and how that brings about more mothers.
Today we made really delicious orange scones with really decadent frosting. Real scones, not Utah scones.
All of my grandmother's dishes are that elegant.
Mother's day is stressful for me (like, what holidays aren't?) because I never know how to say thank you enough for what a mother does. But I think saying thank you at all is a big deal. So, thanks to all moms!!
We watched all of Anne of Green Gables today, which is really long. Any L. M. Montgomery brings back age eleven through thirteen. That, and watching Pride and Prejudice last night has put me in kind of a sappy-romantic mood. That, and not seeing any men my age since my plane ride last week.
So here is a toast to mothers, and here is a toast to classic romance.
And maybe a toast to whatever Modern Romance is, and how that brings about more mothers.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
"This might be long and boring. We don't know yet."
-Judy on film Hereafter
You might have heard Celisse and I pretending to be Judy while we watch movies. But I always have to laugh inside when I am actually watching a movie with the real Judy.
She does a thing of explaining to you what we usually already know, and she says this collectively, like we are just finding it out together. It's fun. Try it.
"Oh the girl is just now realizing she's in love with the guy."
Also, she falls asleep during movies a lot, like my dad, but she wakes up and then asks a whole bunch of questions, and then falls back asleep. Kind of like watching a movie with Noah, only he doesn't fall asleep. He just asks a lot of questions.
On a side note, I think Noah is going to turn out, somehow, to be the most wildly successful of all of us Tenenbaums.
He'll be the one ignoring our questions and phonecalls. And rightly so.
I looked down tonight at my hands, washing the coffeepot, and thought about each day that I do this. I like playing house.
And Judy was right. Hereafter was way long and boring. Too many plotlines, but not enough Magnolia-ness.
-Judy on film Hereafter
You might have heard Celisse and I pretending to be Judy while we watch movies. But I always have to laugh inside when I am actually watching a movie with the real Judy.
She does a thing of explaining to you what we usually already know, and she says this collectively, like we are just finding it out together. It's fun. Try it.
"Oh the girl is just now realizing she's in love with the guy."
Also, she falls asleep during movies a lot, like my dad, but she wakes up and then asks a whole bunch of questions, and then falls back asleep. Kind of like watching a movie with Noah, only he doesn't fall asleep. He just asks a lot of questions.
On a side note, I think Noah is going to turn out, somehow, to be the most wildly successful of all of us Tenenbaums.
He'll be the one ignoring our questions and phonecalls. And rightly so.
I looked down tonight at my hands, washing the coffeepot, and thought about each day that I do this. I like playing house.
And Judy was right. Hereafter was way long and boring. Too many plotlines, but not enough Magnolia-ness.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
[x] make my first meatloaf
Yeah. That was a real thing on my fake bucket-list.
Sometimes Megan talks about the meals she is preparing, and she gets really wound up, and stresses out in a cute way about it. I thought making meatloaf was going to be really hard, because of all the questions I heard her asking people. But I love meatloaf (the food.) so much that I decided to do it anyway, and Judy gave me a recipe.
Megan and I can make meatloaf, and you can too.
I've been frying up potatoes, breaded fish, bacon...(yep, we've been eating pretty heavy meals) and we've been eating ice cream drumsticks every night. They are going to make me buy another seat when I fly back to Utah.
Just kidding.
I've been trying to run outside (hate it), and go up and down the stairs, and I'm trying to do push-ups and sit-ups when Judy is on the phone. I don't want her to know that I'm running up and down the stairs, because that is just embarrassing that I would think that is going to cancel out ice cream or melted Pepperjack turkey sandwiches. (Are you hungry yet?) I'm approximately skinnier than when I left, but I did buy a pair of sweat pants that I wear all day, so I really can't tell.
Iowa is treating me well. I haven't had heartburn, a headache, or a stomach ache since I've been here. Although my brain might be melting from watching too much TV, this is a short, blissful season of my life that I'm going to enjoy while it lasts.
Yeah. That was a real thing on my fake bucket-list.
Sometimes Megan talks about the meals she is preparing, and she gets really wound up, and stresses out in a cute way about it. I thought making meatloaf was going to be really hard, because of all the questions I heard her asking people. But I love meatloaf (the food.) so much that I decided to do it anyway, and Judy gave me a recipe.
Megan and I can make meatloaf, and you can too.
I've been frying up potatoes, breaded fish, bacon...(yep, we've been eating pretty heavy meals) and we've been eating ice cream drumsticks every night. They are going to make me buy another seat when I fly back to Utah.
Just kidding.
I've been trying to run outside (hate it), and go up and down the stairs, and I'm trying to do push-ups and sit-ups when Judy is on the phone. I don't want her to know that I'm running up and down the stairs, because that is just embarrassing that I would think that is going to cancel out ice cream or melted Pepperjack turkey sandwiches. (Are you hungry yet?) I'm approximately skinnier than when I left, but I did buy a pair of sweat pants that I wear all day, so I really can't tell.
Iowa is treating me well. I haven't had heartburn, a headache, or a stomach ache since I've been here. Although my brain might be melting from watching too much TV, this is a short, blissful season of my life that I'm going to enjoy while it lasts.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I was hiding underneath the sea. I was looking out for me. Just me, the fish and the sea.
Patrick Watson
I lay awake for a while at night, without my white noise, wondering about how I got to be the way I am, and what parts are the influence of my family. Jeremy once said, as he was walking out the door,
"Rachel, you have your mother's common sense, and your dad's cynicism. You've got common cynicism."
My dad's side of the family is extremely outgoing, laughs a lot, loves deeply, and worries about stuff until they get it over with.
I think that when I am outgoing, I am like them. Especially worrying about stuff.
My mother's side of the family is more introverted, and mostly keep things bottled inside, but also laughs a lot, they know how to have fun together.
I hope I am a mix of them. I know that my honesty of who I am deep down only comes out over wine with the Moores, or during Jazz games with Celisse and Bryan in their basement. Or eating out with Kelsea and Caleb. (Oh, I just figured it out, I'm a third wheel.) But otherwise I know that I can push things away to simmer for years, and I need to let go.
Being with Judy is really great so far. My heart is learning humility, I think. I look around at the pictures in her house, and think about how in-love my grandparents were until the day Phil went to Heaven. I feel my walls melting about the marriage thing. I realize marriage will turn out really good for some people. I won't close my heart off for good, even if my eyes are closed right now.
"Rachel, we're not teenagers anymore. We don't fall in love with every guy we see," Martha told me during my last week of work. And she's right. There's probably some hoser out there for me somewhere. And hopefully he's almost done becoming a Dermatologist.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Day One.
I woke up in Iowa. On the second floor of the Happily Ever After house. When you walk in this house, it smells better than any other place. I woke up late.
It is amazing to just sit and talk with Judy, and not worry about how I have to leave in 5 days. Or 6 days. Or even 20 days. To not think about vault combos, or account maintenance, or Spanish. I went grocery shopping for us, and the cashier and bagger both gave me a smiling welcome to Iowa.
There is no one as free as I am, right now.
I just wish she wasn't in so much pain. Twenty four hours a day. But she is encouraged and hopeful, which makes me encouraged and hopeful.
We made a short trip to the hospital, and on the way back I noticed a marquee under a sign for either a dry cleaner, or a car wash or something, and it said, Don't abandon your friend. Just like that. No explanation. And I thought, maybe their heart is broken. Or maybe it's just an ad that I don't understand.
I woke up in Iowa. On the second floor of the Happily Ever After house. When you walk in this house, it smells better than any other place. I woke up late.
It is amazing to just sit and talk with Judy, and not worry about how I have to leave in 5 days. Or 6 days. Or even 20 days. To not think about vault combos, or account maintenance, or Spanish. I went grocery shopping for us, and the cashier and bagger both gave me a smiling welcome to Iowa.
There is no one as free as I am, right now.
I just wish she wasn't in so much pain. Twenty four hours a day. But she is encouraged and hopeful, which makes me encouraged and hopeful.
We made a short trip to the hospital, and on the way back I noticed a marquee under a sign for either a dry cleaner, or a car wash or something, and it said, Don't abandon your friend. Just like that. No explanation. And I thought, maybe their heart is broken. Or maybe it's just an ad that I don't understand.
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