It's funny. Sometimes I almost start crying when I am trying to tell Collin that I miss playing bass with him. I think the bass player/drummer relationship makes or breaks a band, and I definitely miss our souls clicking together in that way. It's hard to describe.
I think Caleb and I are becoming good friends, and that maybe one day we'll sync like that. I guess after four years of watching Collin's feet and learning what he was going to do next, it's only natural that we would be that tight. Just give it some time, I guess.

Oi. I am getting sappy about music. I am a very different person than I used to be.

So here's what I've got:
-a really messy room (I just don't understand when I'm going to become a civilized person. I mean, seriously, Rachel. Paint is everywhere, you have not vacuumed, and Lord knows where your textbooks are)
-extensions (what-the-hell. when are you going to feel comfortable going out in public with those)
-you ditched Tanya's wedding early (I'm really sorry Tanya, that I made up lies. I'm really happy for you. Your wedding was beautiful, and surreal to see all my coworkers outside of work, and realize that I wanted Bob to ask my to dance, kind of?)
-making it through one single stressed out day because of Pepsi
-realizing that it is weird to hang out with married couples that talk about sex so much, inadvertantly
-the weekend, Baby
-laughter

"I think that if I had your chance, I would definitely take it. But yeah. We're all gonna miss you man."
"Yeah... It's a pretty big opportunity, not just music-wise, but for my relationship with Jesus, too."
"That's really great. I think you will benefit from (going on tour), and it'll stretch you."
"Yeah. It'll help me grow my beard too."
-My conversation with Matt Nanes this morning

"So they know this other world exists, and when you tell them that the government can't find the money to provide them with a decent place to go to school, they don't believe it and they know that it's a choice that has been made--a choice about how much they matter to society. They see it as a message: 'This is to tell you that you don't much matter. You are ugly to us so we crowd you into ugly places. You are dirty so it will not hurt to pack you into dirty places.' My son says this: 'By doing this to you, we teach you how much you are hated.' I like to listen to the things my children say. They're not sophisticated so they speak out of their hearts."
-from Savage Inequalities: Children in America's Schools (Jonathan Kozol)

Wow.

i might stay out longer than I left the light on for you, if you show you show

I've settled down now. No more smoke blowing out my ears.
Jenni came back into my life again and every time she or Megan come, they teach me how to be happy. How to be young, how to laugh. She makes my heart and soul smile. Her sister Joy came with her (both of them are from Parker, CO), and we had a really good time.

We walked around downtown in the rain, enjoying the moments in our flip flops. (I think there are only a few days left of flip flops.) We got starving and ate at Tony Caputo's.
Then, Jenni and I played around on my bass for an hour or so.
Then church. (God and I are friends again)
Then bowling.

Also the Provo-church Kick-off was on Friday, and it was spectacular. The Kelsea-Collin-Mark band did a wonderful job, and I really think God is going to do amazing things down there. I think He already is.

Shannon's got this way of sharing truth with me that completely shuts my mouth right where I am. No argument left.
Take it.
Or leave it.

And it's so hard to take it. But I don't wanna leave it either.
I don't want to choose.

So I'll probably just drink a few more cups of tea this week, and not have my heart repaired until the damn mechanic can come pick it up.

Yes. I am feeling decidedly less in-love today.
I feel like the business woman I supposedly am. I feel like my life is better spent in finance and paint. I mean... that's what I do on Mondays.
I make people mad at me because they've been waiting in line for twenty minutes, and after six o' clock, Alison and I are up to our elbows in paint.
I guess it's a good way to spend your life.

I like it.

sometimes at night, I feel like I'm falling in love.
the dropping temperatures don't help
and certainly the quiet moments don't help.
the freeway worship
the decaf coffee at 11:59
and your hand on my shoulder
don't help
but in the morning, I will wake up
and it'll just be wishful thinking.



thankfully.

I didn't slow down til 1815 tonight. (Yes, I'm still trying to bring back military time. It makes more sense.) What I mean is six o clock.
I got up, and after carefully packing my car (every day is a road trip in the life of Rachel) and I went to work, listening to the Con by Tegan and Sara (go buy this album if you already didn't). And I was the only teller today. I left late-ish (and Bob showed up sometime after me. Bob and I are friends now. I'm allowed to talk about him. He's from California, and yes he's dreamy and smells good. He sometimes reminds me of Jordan in his deadpan humor. And he asks me about bowling, so he's friend material) So life goes on I guess. What is weird is being in the bathroom at the same time as your boss, and talking to her when you are both in the bathroom. Hmmm.

So I went to school, and literally ran from the parking lot to where my class was, cuz I have to park so far away. I love school now, which I guess changed in the last four days. I love my creative writing class. It's just that my Diversity class is keeping me up at night. I wrote a paper for it yesterday, and skipped out on life to sit home and read article after article about homosexuality. I sat and cried my eyes out, had a crisis of faith, and to try to sleep after that just didn't work. Yes. Homosexuals are keeping me awake at night. But I've reached a place, today, where I am no longer angry at God, and no longer a misanthrope. Some areas, in life, you just leave gray until you can work them out over pasta with someone who won't make your forehead wrinkle up. Right?
So finally after school, I sat and did homework on the patio at the Union. The sky was overcast and no one was around, and it was a good chilling out time before I drove clear to the other mountains to put together Ashley's shower with Krista and Adrian.
It's funny when you come home at night, and you've listened to the Con three or four times, and you don't know where all the hours went.
But when you believe, they call that rock and roll.

if I'm frightened, and I have lost my way

And wouldn't it just be like education to make me question what I believe. But maybe knowing things doesn't even empower you. Maybe it just confuses you more, and the truth turns gray under the filter of "knowledge".

One way or another, I think the truth will always prove itself to be true. At least, I hope it will, at this point.

"Maybe I don't actually care about cows that much. I mean, maybe last week I ate a burger."
"So what, then, you're a social meat eater?"
-two kids in my writing class

Today is one of the best days of my life. I'm saying that so that I can start keeping track of them, so that I remember that they happen.

I woke up this morning, and I was actually smiling, because even after 8 hours of sleep, I was still replaying last night. (Last night was Stesha's birthday party, and it was great...). Also, my alarm clock is Regina singing "a little bag of cocaine, a little bag of cocaine, and who's the girl wearing my dress?". I got up and got myself dressed, and went and got contacts at the mall at my new Ophthalmologist's office. He's a cool guy. Ophthalmologists are weird because they spend like, maybe 25 minutes looking into your soul while you stare at the ceiling (no left, now right. Now look at my shoe), and write you out a prescription for something that is going to affect you every day of your life til the next time you come in. 25 minutes.
After that, I bought my first ever pair of Steve Maddens. I fear that I will never stop buying more shoes. This is the third pair in, oh, a week.
(I'm still in denial that I have a bass and amp to pay for by January).
I met Lauren for an amazing cup of coffee, and Shannon went on her lunch break and hung out with us. We sat and ate cucumbers, and it was... divine.
Creative writing class was just peachy, and here I sit, anticipating a great band practice, and an amazing night of bowling. And I don't even have to wake up early in the morning.
Does life seriously get any better?

I just realized this morning that I never got to see last week's Post Secrets. I'm really mad.

I'm sick of being sick now.

Oil paints take a long time to dry. Really long time.

I was fine last night, and I woke up 11 hours later with my throat fully swollen (say that fives fast) and my hair a full afro.
Dayumn.

We went out for Zach's birthday last night, and it was a lot of fun. We went to an Indian restaurant, and everyone who worked there was hilarious. It was a really good time, and it reminded me of this kid Dilpreet said (Dil-Pree) that I used to sit at the same table with in photography a few years back. Actually, I think that was sophomore year. (Whoa. I'm a Sophomore again.) And he was hilarious too, and he was from India. I told him I loved him every day, and he had to try to come up with new and exciting ways to tell me he hated me. I think somewhere I still have a note we passed back and forth that says something along the lines of
"Dilpreet, I hope we get married someday," to which he possibly replied, "I'm going to kill you." It was a very healthy relationship. I can probably say it contributed to who I am today.

Sorry. I'm high on Sudaphed.

a list:
-I just bought a box of fruit gushers and ate 66% of it's contents
-I also just bought Under the Blacklight by Rilo Kiley. Haven't opened it yet, but I already know it's good. I was reading an interview with Jenny and Blake in Filter. It made me stoked for this album, and I'm still in love with Jenny Lewis
-I also bought a coat, even though it's at least seventy degrees outside. I'm stoked about winter.
-I finished the story, and I was really disappointed in myself, but it's done. It's over. I'll get over it.
-if I put a cup of coffee in my room, and shut the door for five minutes, and I come back in, my room smells like a coffee greenhouse. (I don't think that's a real thing, but that is my description of the smell, it seriously makes my room humid)
-I watched Return of the Jedi last night.
-my hair doesn't curl no matter how old I get, or how much sugar I eat
-I love sugar, cookies, coffee, seeing girls wear high heels, A.T.'s facial hair, ten dollar jeans that fit me better than $100 jeans, books that I love to read, music produced by Chris Walla, my phone, keeping up with Alison and girl Alex, my new bass, my new band, refrigerators with peaches inside, Charles Ellsworth's poetry (from my creative writing class), and bowling.

I'm trying to count my blessings instead of dwelling in my disasters.

my face and my eyebrows hurt.

I had a really good weekend with my family in Midway. We stayed at a resort, and went swimming (a lot), and took naps and ate junk food. It was good for the soul. I'm still trying to finish a story that I've been working on for a couple of months. I like the story, and I'm bent on finishing it, but in some ways, I've already outgrown it. I guess it is a freshman sort of story that one day I could look back on and say, "That's where I got myself in gear." At least, I hope it's that sort of thing.

If that makes any sense.
I was going somewhere with all this, and I'm trying to remember where it is.

Can't remember. But this is my Monday morning, and its Tuesday. So there's always that. But in general, I've come to disapprove of Holidays. You have to move everything around to just have that one day off. Business slows down an extra day (not just the Saturday Sunday that is already killing our momentum every week. OF COURSE Japan is going to get ahead of us. OF COURSE China is going to take over the world. We're taking every freakin' weekend off of business!) And I've lost hours of work off this week because Monday is usually my longest work day. I wouldn't care but I just bought a bass and amp on credit. Did I tell you this is the first time in my life that I've been in debt, other than my truck? Nope, I don't even have any school debt yet, and I've never carried a balance on my credit card...

Cute Bob and Nice Sara are quitting and/or transferring. They better get replaced by cool people, or I'm gonna die.

Okay. That's it for today.
The End.