"Sounds like a boring life."
"I hope it last forever," she said.
-Don Dellilo White Noise

college
14 days left of this semester

I walked into her tiny office, should I knock on the door? I stepped sorrily on papers and over books laying on the floor. She finally notices me and says oh yes come in, and I find that I don't have quite as much respect for professors who clean their offices.
"I can't be bothered to keep my office clean," she tells me raspily. I could listen to her voice all day. If I could just lay in bed eating pancakes, and have her read to me....well it would be magnificent to say the least.
But I snap back to where we are.
"I came to talk to you about my paper." I sit with my ankles crossed, like I am at an interview, and her blue eyes engulf me. Wildly, she gestures, articulates. She says what they all tell me: that I have clear writing and terrible ideas. But by the end of the procedure, without taking off my coat, I check something off the list.

[x] See a professor during office hours.

Something I've never done. And a huge responsibility slash weight is lifted off of me as I walk out the door and a man in a hat is congratulating her on the Phillie's winning last night.

I am slowly taking steps toward recovering who I used to be. Or who I thought I used to be. A strong girl who doesn't blanch and shut down.
Moments at a time.

Some days I realize that I am not in love with Kayleigh anymore, and that she was a serious figment of my imagination. But I find her footprints. I hear her echoes.
When my vision starts to get worse, I think about her.

I can't believe how long I've worked at Starbucks.

I start to wonder where my life is going. I'm too mean to these people, or too nice. I say the same things over and over. Will I say fake things for years?
Phony earth, grumpy people...

I miss seeing the vulnerable side of them. I want to get that back.

"If you (wear) a mustache you can come (to) Randal's bachelor party !!!!!"
-Nicholas D'Amico's poorly spelled text to me this morning.

I am having a very nice time on vacation. Once we got home from Illinois I basically started to live at the Mombergers' and watch Celisse make a wedding cake, and slept in for a really long time all the time. And worked out. And colored my hair. And started talking to an old friend, and went with Cel while she bought her wedding dress.

And I'm really happy.
I think it's also related to no school or work. But I'm really happy.

Lying on the floor, chewing a carrot into pulp, I realized, I am ready to turn over a new leaf.
Closure.
Like I finally feel like I can let myself try to figure out what it used to be like to be happy enough for me, and to walk around whole. Normal.

Its a good feeling.