for the time being

When I love you
I love you very much.
And when I don't, it's a missing ocean in my life.
Happily landlocked I build cities and towns far away from you. The main feeling I feel is used-to-it.

What did I mean the most?
Between all of this: the very much used box of Kleenex and bottle of cough medicine...
Between beloved dogs abandoned for holidays in Arizona.
After I gave up my weekends, after I started the 60 hour work weeks, but before I became a real grown up.
Between reading fiction books, and then reading nonfiction books.
Between becoming and dissolving.
Between clocking in with my fingers, and clocking in with a picture of my face to a little magnetic sensor.
Between drinking candy for a living, and eating salads for lunch.
Somewhere in there is where I am now, and what I mean the most is that you can stand up tall. You were made clean, at least, somewhere in between 1988 and 2013, for better and for worse.

We might get our heads chopped off by everyone, or we might find romance and that thing of settling down in a house with a compost pile and, God-forbid, a minivan.

For now I'm just happy when the dogs are snoring, because that means they're not awake.

Good night, Ms. Clavel.

I am--of course--starting to get reflective, as it is the end of the year.
Six months ago, or even six weeks ago, I would have said that this was a year packed with hardships. Everything from my dog dying, friends moving away, that unholy flu,car problems, job rejections, The Internship; there were days when I thought I was having a hospital-worthy meltdown.
But coming out the other side of it, with the gift of hindsight, I can't believe how good God is, and how much He rewards those who find peace in Him supremely. I don't know how nonbelievers can do it.

I got to see Judy. I am crazy in love with my new job, I'm still getting to do proof-reading (is that what I went to college for, I think?), I'm paying off the little debt that I have left, I'm starting to eat healthier and sleep more.

I learned more being thrown into the fire, than the peaceful year after graduating that I was just watching every TV series that Netflix had to offer.
What a glorious end to a tornado of a season. Now if we have a nice white Christmas and I don't fail any tests at my new job, I could see it being a very peaceful month of rest before the crazy upheaval that is in the forecast for 2014.

God will still be good though, either way.

He says your name from somewhere nearby like he's trying it out again. (But he's not trying it out, he's got a girlfriend. He's like a suit, he's like---all the mystery's gone.) He just stands there looking great in a beard and hoodie and you think you have pesto in your teeth but you smile and try to hug him but bury your face not-in-his-shoulder---but why are you doing this so weird, you're just friends but you can't think of what to say after two years and the embrace isn't the same as that day you walked around downtown for several hours dancing carefully around the blisters in summer sandals, and he wanted to be with you back then.  Was good for you back then. When you had a strong chin and you had the glow of college and love notes from men in their twenties-not-thirties-or-forties. But you gave it up for the long-term plan. You held up your end of the bargain, and then what? You had to learn a new life and you got to be the one quietly carrying some baton and driving home so late at night that the early morning BBC news is on, but you can't hear it because there is no one in the passenger seat to laugh along with you to the funny things that some Vietnamese man is saying on the radio. You gotta be a different kind of strong than before.
Every day the strong becomes an electrifying, terrifying new thing that won't be easy to explain and the island you're on is a good enough home, because God is good, dammit.

God is great and He is holding up His end of the bargain, even though every day is a different hard, with different joys and hurts, He gave you mercy, so sacrificing everything should be an easy ordeal.
But you go away, and it's a different kind of richness that you miss. Not money, but being known and loved by another human being in a sack of flesh. You miss it and remember what it was like to doze off in the arms of a man who wanted to protect you and cherish you.

Walk out into beautiful cold weather. The mountains so close you can touch them or see them crystal clear. There is grace, there is grace. "Get behind me Satan," you whisper to the feelings, and tomorrow you'll be a better soldier and dodge bullets like a pro.

Happy everyday.

What a nice life.

Been hallucinatin' you, babe

I wish
that
someone
else was
awake
with me.
(And other things that make it hard to be here.)

WELL. Monday finally came.

I have the opposite schedule of most Americans, and I love when the weekends are finally over.
I started my new job today, and I am ecstatic about working for this company and all the perks. By lunch time, I couldn't believe that this is my real life. I am hopefully going to slowly let go of all my extra jobs (I worked my last 5 hours of The Internship this week) and be able to actually have a Sabbath in a couple weeks.

Excited for the future. For work. For Christmas. For fellowship. For running faster miles. God has blessed me with so much.

God willing and the creek don't rise

It may be time to retire from house/dog-sitting as I don't need the money anymore, and I seem to attract the worst problems to me (and other people's property.) I could write a book on my house-sitting misadventures.

This time around.

-First night, one of the 5lb Pomeranians ate two grapes out of my bowl when my back was turned. Well, grapes are poisonous to dogs, and I spent an hour googling "Is my dog going to die from eating grapes" and trying to do the math of grape poison in grams to dog weight in kilograms. Ratios. Ugh. I tried to get him to throw up for the next hour (my mom suggested a teaspoon of salt on his tongue, tried that one, didn't work) and I read that burned toast does something, so I burned the only bread I could find in the house, and he gladly ate it, and still didn't throw up. So I went to bed praying really hard that God would spare his foolish little life. And you know what? 24 hrs later, he was just fine. Not even diarrhea.

-Second day, I accidentally left the fridge slightly open, and all the cold air escaped and went unreplenished as fridges do not like their doors to be left ajar. I came back four hours later and very sadly threw away lukewarm bacon and roast beef. I did, however, move the expensive cheeses to the freezer immediately, and I have been eating them and I haven't died yet.

-Third day: really cold. This couple has been using space heaters instead of the furnace to heat the house since it's been a sunny 60 degrees in Utah since, like, September. So I had the space heater on, and warmed my coffee in the microwave at the same time, and tripped a breaker. Stood out in the rain trying to figure out which one it was on the side of the house, one by one, and ended up giving up and flipping them all. Now all the clocks in the house are blinking.

Same day, I finally text the homeowner to say are you sure you don't want me to turn on the furnace? i.e. are you worried about your pipes at all? She says turn on the furnace, but then I come home from church (earlier than I normally would, thank God) and A PIPE HAS BURST. The ceiling in the downstairs bathroom is bulging with water.

So that is my weekend. I hope you are all binge-watching Scandal or LOST or something so I can live through your free time vicariously...

Judy

"You know how sometimes the leaves are dead but they haven't fallen off the tree yet? I'd like to just go light the leaves and see if the whole thing would burn like a candle."

"Grandma!"

"What?"

"That is not what I thought you were going to say!"

"It would be so pretty, like a giant candle in someone's front yard."

I get the sudden sinking feeling of a man about to fly

I packed my suitcase and came back to earth, hard as it was.

 

Maybe it seems silly to love a town full of old furniture and people who don't go hiking or eat healthy at all. People who still use the Post Office all the time, and the parking lot of the Video Rental store is full on a Thursday night. But I never feel as loved and happy and comforted as when I am there.

 

 I guess it is good to be back home now. I gave my Starbucks boss notice, and I'm starting my new job on the 18th. One of my Colorado friends is moving here. I'm going to push hard to get back into shape. Snow is falling. Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

 

I think I'm actually looking forward to the future now? What new mystery is this?