My life is in fast forward, right now, which I don't really mind. Where has the month of October gone? I've spent it at the drive through, working for the mafia, or something.

I slept in til 9 this morning, which is a novelty now that my hours have changed. I laid there, and even though I could hear the words "pancake! pancake Izzy? Would you like a pancake?" I didn't get up. I rolled over and played music on my phone and fell back asleep.

I'm content with my life, right now. Which is a dangerous thing to say, because then you know something will come along. But I'm happy right now. I'm learning self control in some of the most difficult areas of my life, and my anxiety at school, and sometimes work has been going gradually away.
I'm okay with what's next, whatever it is. Bring it on.

I try to write things down that people say when they're funny to me.
Here are some Tony-isms from dinner at the D'Amico's last night.

"That's not called an Americano, that's called 'Can I have a little sick with my disgusting?'"

"I like to 2nd hand smoke better than first hand smoke."
"Well I just like to smoke in the house."

And my favorite

"Yeah, she's had a little bit to drink, but haven't we all?"-when no one was drinking but him

Tonight I went to a rapid fire poetry reading at the Art Barn. I met William there and Alex (also from Gender class) came too.
The Art Barn is a cute little gallery near the university where they have poetry readings frequently. A lot of the young "urban" professors read their stuff there. I think they're all pretty good friends. They had lots of inside jokes.
Even the bathroom was so cute I wanted to take pictures. I walked around and looked at the art with Alex. He thought I was really superficial because he was really looking at the pottery.

They had a few really good writers that I liked. One girl stood up and did a monologue about how she'd been hired to hold Dick Cheney's hand at night because he was scared of something under his bed. It was pretty funny. Others were really explicit like my professor told us they would be.
"Is this what you really wanted?" William asked me, both of us blushing.
"Not really," I told him, although a few hours before I'd told him that it was exactly what I was hoping for. "I told you it would be this way though.."
His professor went up after that and William rolled his eyes a lot at him, because he thinks he's a douche, but it was pretty funny.
We even had cake, and then Alex said, "I must be going." It was all very surreal and fancy and really delightful actually. I would definitely go again.

There are moments, here and there, that I know life exists outside of clips of money and angry drunk customers.
I know it in the rotting leaves and cold air, and seeing my breath. It all reminds me of my head buried deep in your laundry and the kind of tears that feel so good.
I want more than anything to be in Des Moines.

"So who said 'shitting kittens'? I WANNA KNOW."
-Charles

Sometimes
I
worry
about stuff.

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me."
(T. S. Eliot)

My mind is muggy like the humidity that suffocates you during an Iowa summer, so much so that I couldn't pull my pants down because they were sticking to my legs. But in those days, maybe I shouldn't have been wearing those shorts. Shouldn't have been looking out the window when I was going to the bathroom.
I was saying, my mind is cloudy. The thoughts go in winding roads and I want to complain a lot but I just turn it all off. I turn off the brain.
I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Of course, I'm writing a blog, and I still don't know what I'm saying.

Often when I am sitting in the drive-through, I live out an entire year of my life. I pick one man that I wonder what it would be like to have a relationship with. In my head, I play out the first few months. Then I go to the part where he stops paying for dinner, where he doesn't love Jesus. Where I've been staying out too late and there is nothing fruitful I have to show for the last six months of my life. In my head, we break up, and just like that the relationship is over. It has saved me much grief. Men I didn't really love. Men who were too boring. Men who smelled good but weren't very funny.

I am tired.
I want to quit school. I want to buy a motorcycle. I want backpack across Brazil with Alison.
But I don't have any guts.
I just have coffee and aspirin and my commute to look forward to. Day after day...

"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."

Even though Tony was mad last night, I realized we're going to be friends for our whole lives. Cuz his favorite number is 9, too.

It's just such a great thing.

A list, because I haven't thought straight all week.
-work
-fall break (yet not a vacation)
-tired
-coffee
-ASHLEY'S wedding
-champagne
-aspirin
-my camera is back in my possession. don't have to buy a new one. good!!
-postcard from California
-sugar
-keeping people together
-watching them fall apart
-Tony boiling mad
-tricky
-the smell of the rain sweet and untouchable
-someone to listen, someone to talk
-an email about Regina
-a nap during skateboarding season
-the hole in my heart that I build a fence around and cherish so well that it becomes a dear old friend, (war-torn and unhappy) but hopeful.
-and every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Kelsea and I were sitting at her kitchen table after dark on Sunday, getting in a good three hour talk. I told her that it seems like my life moves in these repeating sessions.

Right now, I'm going through a workaholic session again. Working to take my mind off things I don't wanna talk about. Working because I don't have school. Working so I can buy another camera, and finish paying for my bass. It is my machine-self. Get up, coffee, work early til closing, usually. Having meaningless conversations with my coworkers. Tanya gets mad at me for something, then she settles down. Touch my hair and forget that it's still on my head. Cash in. Cash out.

Go to bed, with few exceptions, not having even seen my friends, and press the repeat button after 9 hours of sleep.
I'm looking forward to Ashley's wedding. Not looking forward to school starting again next week.

Maybe I'll buy a ticket to the Regina Spektor show. I owe it to myself. I just don't want to see all the stupid people there that don't love her like I love her. I don't want it to ruin her for me.
But you need something to look forward to, or else...
what?
What else is there left.

With my hands in my pockets, I told Sarah.
"Yeah. That's just me, and I can't change." But I knew I could change.
But she didn't need to know that. I realized I could say anything I wanted to her, cuz she doesn't really know me. Now that the other Sara is gone, I really have no reason not to be a very private person. Or a liar.
I just didn't give a damn, this morning. Staring out the drive through. No one comes to the bank on a holiday unless they don't remember its a holiday. Columbus day isn't a real holiday. I mean, come on.
"Well, that's really sad." And she went on to say something about herself, and I zoned out and made the appropriate noises in the appropriate places like I usually do.
"So is that how you were raised?" She finally asked me. She's a psychology major. I closed my eyes and wished I'd had at least nine cups of coffee at 7 a.m. I check my phone before I answer her.
I am an asshole.
"Um, actually I was raised to believe I should buck up. I was raised to believe that life is hard and you should get used to it. But I was raised to believe I was better than everyone else." I watched her eyes go very wide and her eyebrows lifted. She squinted.
"Hmmm." I could see her wheels turning. She's one of those people who stands up for poor people and black people and people who have open minds. It's not like I'm not. But sometimes she can almost come across as fake about it. I like to push her buttons. "In fact," I said, "I have a really hard time liking people who are different from me."
I said the word different like it was poisonous. Just to freak her out.
"Oh....really?" She breathed slowly.
"Yep. It's really hard." But just like that the fun was over when she started talking.
"Mhhhmmm," I quietly said to whatever she told me after that.
Making appropriate noises in the appropriate places.
I looked at the computer screen. Put my money in clips. My Russian boss at lunch. Grumpy with me. The words on the computer screen say my name in all caps lock. It unnerves me. Seeing the A in Rachel in caps. It creeps me.
You'd think this life would make me bolder, but I'm running scared is all.

"To the core of my being, I'm a plastic green army man. And I'm satisfied with that."
-Kelsea


I had a very strange day in Provo, American Fork, Salt Lake, and Sandy. Yes. I drove one hundred miles today, and saw quite a few circles of friends. And I got cultured.

"Wait, Vegans go to the bathroom?"
-Scott

Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love..

Oh dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers
I have not art to reckon my groans but that
I love thee best, O my best, believe it. Adieu.
'Thine evermore, most dear lady, whilst
this machine is to him,
-Hamlet

Sometimes, I go completely crazy by 3:30 p.m. on Thursdays, because they are chaotic messes of days. I won't bore you with work and school details, but in between classes I stood out side, at the very end of the sidewalk and ate a bag of chips, in the sunlight. (It was colder outside than in). I rocked back and forth on the age of the pavement. Every once in a while mumbling profane arguments with myself.
"Who the hell is that?" I found myself saying out loud, to no one and about no one in particular, as if I were supposed to know every one on campus, and that particular girl in the headband was unfamiliar to me. I burst out laughing and walked inside. My hair is long now.

Moving on.
My boss finally gave me more hours since she couldn't find anyone to fulfill a full time position. I plan on being out of debt by Christmas. I'm pretty stoked about it. Just worried that it will be hard to keep up with school. I don't really love school right now. I'm having the same ideas I have every semester about dropping out, but it usually goes away in the summer.
Hrrmmm.

Oh well.