we can be best friends

Thursday night I found myself awkwardly getting a pedicure across the room from two girls I was supposed to become friends with and be all bridesmaidy with and they talked quietly to each other, but my feet look awesome.

We went out to dinner at a nicer restaurant, and all I could think the whole time was that I wished Celisse was sitting there and we could talk about the food together, but finally after another awkward hour with my cousin (who was getting married) and the two other bridesmaids, our fourth showed up, and her name was Caitlan, and we got along immediately over a Brandi Carlile song on the radio, and I partied with her for the rest of the weekend.

I don't remember being the kind of person who becomes friends with people so quickly, but I think God is really gracious when you are in a weird spot, and she was a ray of sunshine for me. And I might actually see her again someday because she lives in Boise. Anyway.

The wedding was great. A tiny bit short on hip hop, but nothing short on fancy or food or whiskey sours (which I had never had until Caitlan let me try hers) so it was worth having a flight delay on each of our four flights, and getting lost on dark country roads with no iPhone for GPS several of the nights.

out into the woods

I am procrastinating-blogging (which might be the only reason there are any posts at all during my college days,) and I am drinking a Blood Orange San Pellegrino because I am addicted to them, even though I should be drinking hot tea with honey and lemon because my head is a snot machine.

I'm taking off for five days in Illinois tomorrow, for my cousin's wedding.
I'm stoked about the cold, clean air.
Excited to see my family. I haven't been back to the Midwest since last May, so it's overdue.

I know I sound really boring right now, (I have foggy-sick-head) but there are a lot of really cool things up around the corner that I just can't really talk about because I'm still praying about them, and nothing is set in stone.
But my heart is happy.

Even though this might not be the year I find love, or get my pilot's license, or become a doctor, I'm still encouraged and I might
a) get lost in a forest
b) jump off a mountain
c) and dance more because I have iPod speakers now.

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I'm just trying to make an adventure out of everyday.

post haze

If the last 13 days of heavy smog and coughing and restlessness and sad January blues were just leading up to this day.....it might have been worth it.

I made myself go to bed at 7:30 last night and got at least 6 hours of reparation sleep, before opening with my darling Elaine (whose problems, sadly, get worse as the months unfold themselves) and my heart started to hope, as I could almost make out the mountains in the 4:27am glow of the valley.

By 8 o clock, I could see everything out of the windows, and it was like that feeling of making a last payment on a huge loan. That feeling of breath after someone you thought was your friend, holding you under water for 13 days.
 That feeling of someone asking you to marry them, and you said yes, and you liked it.

That is how I've felt all day long. It's better than getting 100 happy birthday texts and a surprise love note, and fireworks, and Nothing Bundt Cake.

After I got off of work, I decided not to waste any time on my usual post-open nap (even though I love sleep more than almost everything) because my boss told me I was being considered for an exciting Starbucks adventure, and then I ran 8 miles at the gym, on the high that was left over from my morning.

After that, I just sat in my hot tub and ate an ice-cream sandwich, and for once, just soaked it all in. I don't know what to do about all the people in South America who have less than me, and have worse days than me. I still don't know. But today, I forgot all of the things I've been regretting, and just cherished every happiness and every love song, and every mile that my strong legs carried me.

But here I am, and God gave me one more day to live, and

God, thank you for that.

tunnels

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Last night, I laid in bed and admitted a lot of things to God as I was falling asleep.
About how the smog is depressing me.
How I feel a little lonely and a little bit suffocated by January (again, mostly due to smog).
And I also prayed for a house sitting job just to help me catch back up on bills.
I admitted some deeper secrets that for some reason I thought I could just hide from Him? And why do I bother to do that?

He is such a good God.

He placed a few rays of sunshine in my morning via some favorite customers and then when I was getting off work, I got a house sitting job as I was walking out the door.

I am crazy blessed. I need to surrender more to Him, so He can fill me up with Him. Because it is me, that is making me blue. It is my selfishness that is crushing me.

God, help me to shine for You through the smog.
I love you, Lord.

some blessings come with the light.

When it is light, it is easier to go to the gym. It is easier to go to the grocery store. It is easier to pretend you are a normal person. You might fool people into thinking your contacts are your real eyes and that you are 20/20. That you are the real deal.

Then some blessings come with the dark. Once the sun goes down, you can pretend that the 10 day forecast does not equal emphysema. You can not see the pollution and when you breathe deep you can almost think you do not feel the smog changing your lungs.

You wake up quick. You serve people happily. You think to yourself that you were manufactured by a happy merging of Disney and Starbucks and NPR.

When it comes down to it, you are a not a dog, barking in his sleep. You are a real human, with a real purpose.

Our bruises are coming, but we will never fold

I woke up bright and perky at 5am from not-partying last night, and my first customer this morning was a sweet regular, who always has a smile for me and while he was stirring cream into his coffee he said, "Rachel do you have any resolutions this year?"
And I smiled and said, "Oh I don't know, I'm on a diet, I guess."
I reciprocated the question, and he said, "Well, you probably won't get it out of me. It's a little bit emotional." He went through a really sad divorce this last year, and I didn't even want to start to ask, so I just said, "I suppose we all have a secret resolution that we don't want to tell anyone about." And he smiled and wandered out of our store, into the cold dark morning, but with coffee in his hands.


And at least sometimes, if you have to start all over from the beginning, you should be doing it with a strong cup of coffee. ((Or whiskey)) Whichever the time of the day calls for.

 

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This year, I suppose what I really want is to finish paying off my Europe vacation, and save more money for more trips.  
I want to run hundreds  more  miles.
 I want to jump into mountain lakes. 
Want to go to dance clubs.  
Want to run through the fields of my grandfather's farm.  
Want to drink margaritas on warm summer nights and not think about opening at Starbucks the next day.
 I will enjoy all the wonderful winter days of hot coffee and electric blankets.  
Want to get inspired to really write again.

I feel that I am starting this year so healthy.

Last summer was pretty rough to figure out what I was doing.
I would say, up to September, I was starting to get pretty depressed, and considering joining the army (and other brash life changes...) because of being done with college and basically being done, therefore, with my childhood and adolescence. This is the dawn of adulthood and I am really bad at it.
I am good at living in my parents' basement.
I am good at following the rules and the speed limit, and not going out on dates with good looking guys. I can do all of that really well.

So I don't know if God wants to change any of that in the near future, but I am enjoying a season of rest, and good mental health.
Not drinking as much.
Running and building muscles and mailing letters.

So here is to 2013.....may the days be merry and bright.