if the medication works, could i be the way I was?
in control...
you painted a picture
i'm the worst type of sinner you know
you painted a picture
happier than I could afford-
nobody can save me...
-sugarcult
Friday with the fam. I come home and their is pizza, and pop, and my family is lovely, and I remember why I still live here, why I didn't run away when I felt like it.
Tonight I might write a story. Watch a movie. Take a vacation from my problems. I'll probably go to bed.
"Okay Todd, tell me all your deepest darkest secrets."
"Are you going to make me bleed?"
"You think I've snapped!"
Thursday, December 09, 2004
"welcome yourself to this world: hope you enjoy your stay.
help yourself to this world: its rapidly passing away..."
-steele
I was going to write a song for you, but I forgot the words.
My head hurt till I took some strong medication, then it hurt less, and I got out of all of yearbook for newspaper loveliness. Newspaper is the only reason I really woke up this morning. My head was floating around, and Mrs. Johnson went off on some creepy tangent, so I pulled my sweatshirt up to my eyes, and hid under it, as much as I could without actually "having my hoodie on", and tried to block her and her strong perfume out of my bubble.
Must watch something Jane Austin or Shakespeare, I feel a sudden lack of English in my world. Good day.
help yourself to this world: its rapidly passing away..."
-steele
I was going to write a song for you, but I forgot the words.
My head hurt till I took some strong medication, then it hurt less, and I got out of all of yearbook for newspaper loveliness. Newspaper is the only reason I really woke up this morning. My head was floating around, and Mrs. Johnson went off on some creepy tangent, so I pulled my sweatshirt up to my eyes, and hid under it, as much as I could without actually "having my hoodie on", and tried to block her and her strong perfume out of my bubble.
Must watch something Jane Austin or Shakespeare, I feel a sudden lack of English in my world. Good day.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
"take heart, take heart...as if I had a heart..."
-girls singing by my car
parties at the Porters
Jeff and Brenda Porter are quite possibly my very first nomination for "Interesting Couple of the Century". We were just sitting there, at their party, and he gets up and gives a word or two, and says, "Honey, do you have anything to say?"
"Amen," she replies.
"She has nothing to say?" He is puzzled, and is handing out Christmas Carol sheets. Apparently we're going to break out in Silent Night right in the middle of the party. I'm getting lightheaded because there are alot of people in the room using up my oxygen, plus I'm singing very long notes. So I'm already goony, and Mike Lemonjello is shouting, "Sell it on ebay! What do you get for that Norm?"
"Is it new?"
"Mint in the package."
"$800." And I can't stop giggling, which makes me more lightheaded.
I'm standing around the soda-table with three sound-guys and a few bassplayers, and it's nice, because me and Kelsea fit right in. I'm like, "How unusual to have us music people all around one table," then I realize that it is a musically-themed church party. And I get it. Mike Lemonjello is whispering to me secrets about how to trick the soundguys into letting me be louder.
Lee is mad that I would even think of touching my amp, and he is telling me to move to Europe so I can listen to techno and loud bass. And I spill my 6th cup of Pepsi under a chair, and feel bad cuz the Porter's have nice carpet.
Forgive me if I'm unchronological. I'm going backwards.
I sat in the car with her, like I always do, and the music is loud, so we are screaming at each other til she turns it down to get really passionate about the song. "How long, how long, will we live in a place called Vertigo?" and I am smiling, because she wants to rock like U2, forever, and I think that our music will be played on movies during the important parts.
I just remember taking walks with him, after I'd had a breakdown, and he would tell me what life was, and we could see our breath as we walked through the night down Del Clair Road, and sometimes I miss that. I remember that J.D. said that the world was all wrong, and Dad would nod and say it's all gonna burn.
I remember being six years old, being pretty sure I had lung disease when the car windows were shut, and how that progressed into a hypochondria that I've recently tried to murder.
Life is funny sometimes when you can't get back onto the chair you were so sure of. Sorry for a long post.
-girls singing by my car
parties at the Porters
Jeff and Brenda Porter are quite possibly my very first nomination for "Interesting Couple of the Century". We were just sitting there, at their party, and he gets up and gives a word or two, and says, "Honey, do you have anything to say?"
"Amen," she replies.
"She has nothing to say?" He is puzzled, and is handing out Christmas Carol sheets. Apparently we're going to break out in Silent Night right in the middle of the party. I'm getting lightheaded because there are alot of people in the room using up my oxygen, plus I'm singing very long notes. So I'm already goony, and Mike Lemonjello is shouting, "Sell it on ebay! What do you get for that Norm?"
"Is it new?"
"Mint in the package."
"$800." And I can't stop giggling, which makes me more lightheaded.
I'm standing around the soda-table with three sound-guys and a few bassplayers, and it's nice, because me and Kelsea fit right in. I'm like, "How unusual to have us music people all around one table," then I realize that it is a musically-themed church party. And I get it. Mike Lemonjello is whispering to me secrets about how to trick the soundguys into letting me be louder.
Lee is mad that I would even think of touching my amp, and he is telling me to move to Europe so I can listen to techno and loud bass. And I spill my 6th cup of Pepsi under a chair, and feel bad cuz the Porter's have nice carpet.
Forgive me if I'm unchronological. I'm going backwards.
I sat in the car with her, like I always do, and the music is loud, so we are screaming at each other til she turns it down to get really passionate about the song. "How long, how long, will we live in a place called Vertigo?" and I am smiling, because she wants to rock like U2, forever, and I think that our music will be played on movies during the important parts.
I just remember taking walks with him, after I'd had a breakdown, and he would tell me what life was, and we could see our breath as we walked through the night down Del Clair Road, and sometimes I miss that. I remember that J.D. said that the world was all wrong, and Dad would nod and say it's all gonna burn.
I remember being six years old, being pretty sure I had lung disease when the car windows were shut, and how that progressed into a hypochondria that I've recently tried to murder.
Life is funny sometimes when you can't get back onto the chair you were so sure of. Sorry for a long post.
Monday, December 06, 2004
"I like my wife. She's pretty."
"You don't have a wife Noah," Philip tells my seven-year-old brother who is unaware of the fact that he is not married.
As I was cleaning toilets and thinking about what kind of story I was going to fabricate about my life, I slowly realized I had no idea where the keys I was suppose to lock up with were. They were gone. So I looked all over, and the night soon became long, and I still didn't have my keys, and there was no one left after Jordan was gone, except Kelsea. So we began to search the school's secret files, and look through compartments we weren't suppose to know about to find the spare key. At one moment, while I was on the phone with an information supplier (a.k.a. one willing to leak intell), Kelsea found the keys, and turned off the light. She hung up my phone, and we walked out of the office, trying to go unseen by the security cameras. We were sneaking along walls, and trying to not set off alarms. I was moving a cart so it wouldn't trigger a reaction with the sensors, but it was scraping too close to the wall, and I watched as I blew the face off of an outlet. I watched blue sparks and smelled smoke, and Kelsea and I set the alarms and ran. It was the most fun I've had at work since I stole Jordan's mop bucket and ran right into the wall and water splashed 10 feet high.
I've had a decent-ish Monday. I did wake up late, and that sucked. Morbid dreams. But all around....
"I was thinking, this one time, that this girl evolved from a dandelion. You know, just in case."
-verbatim of what Jordan said to me when I was checking myself out in the mirror. (my life is not in sections, it is all one piece that scares me.)
"You don't have a wife Noah," Philip tells my seven-year-old brother who is unaware of the fact that he is not married.
As I was cleaning toilets and thinking about what kind of story I was going to fabricate about my life, I slowly realized I had no idea where the keys I was suppose to lock up with were. They were gone. So I looked all over, and the night soon became long, and I still didn't have my keys, and there was no one left after Jordan was gone, except Kelsea. So we began to search the school's secret files, and look through compartments we weren't suppose to know about to find the spare key. At one moment, while I was on the phone with an information supplier (a.k.a. one willing to leak intell), Kelsea found the keys, and turned off the light. She hung up my phone, and we walked out of the office, trying to go unseen by the security cameras. We were sneaking along walls, and trying to not set off alarms. I was moving a cart so it wouldn't trigger a reaction with the sensors, but it was scraping too close to the wall, and I watched as I blew the face off of an outlet. I watched blue sparks and smelled smoke, and Kelsea and I set the alarms and ran. It was the most fun I've had at work since I stole Jordan's mop bucket and ran right into the wall and water splashed 10 feet high.
I've had a decent-ish Monday. I did wake up late, and that sucked. Morbid dreams. But all around....
"I was thinking, this one time, that this girl evolved from a dandelion. You know, just in case."
-verbatim of what Jordan said to me when I was checking myself out in the mirror. (my life is not in sections, it is all one piece that scares me.)
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Thursday, November 25, 2004
"I was in fourth grade, and my teacher called my parents to tell them he thought my jokes had double meaning."
-Dad
the spanish armada
is unexpected
the holy grail
is in the cupboard by the dollar store wine glasses
the chicken pox
are for the chickens
stop breaking down, and get a drum set
stop crying and take a picture of a giraffe
quit making me want to kick you hard.
-Dad
the spanish armada
is unexpected
the holy grail
is in the cupboard by the dollar store wine glasses
the chicken pox
are for the chickens
stop breaking down, and get a drum set
stop crying and take a picture of a giraffe
quit making me want to kick you hard.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Sunday, November 14, 2004
"I think he said something funny in his language."
-Stephen Young
Today was one of those. I think I would sell my brain for $1.93 so I can buy some gas for that life sucker sitting in the garage. A band practice that I want to pretend I don't know what a bass guitar is. Watching five little boys, and trying to put on my mean face, so they could guess that I mean business. Secret conversations...
Now that you know what my dad was hiding all this time, I can emphasize that it is hereditary. Yes I got it from someone. He really does use those big words all day long, and he really is that impatient, and he sometimes does pretend he is his own harmony/melody mixture. Too much creative genius being suppressed behind his lefthandedness and perpetual sobriety?
Friday, November 12, 2004
I like how Jess and Karly left me alone in Yearbook with Josh. Except NOT. Josh sits down across the table from me and says:
"We need to have a little chat, Rachel. Lets talk about why you dislike me so much."
I laughed in his face until he laughed too, and then I lied.
"I don't dislike you," crossing my fingers underneath the table. What is a little white lie now and then, I can't stand yearbook drama.
I contemplated joining Alison and Allene in whatever they were doing, but they looked to busy, so I put on my headphones and started drawing. Then I just put my head on my bag and sniffed.
Haslam could sense my newfound lifeache, and she told me to go lie down. So I did.
But I couldn't sleep because the couch smelled like marijuana, and people kept coming in to ask me what the matter was. They are not very good at this.
I woke up when the final bell rung, and everyone thought I was a red stoner. And so I went home and did more pretend sleeping, and then Kelsea came over and gave me an envelope and we took a walk through White City to say hi to someone with a dirty black poodle.
"We need to have a little chat, Rachel. Lets talk about why you dislike me so much."
I laughed in his face until he laughed too, and then I lied.
"I don't dislike you," crossing my fingers underneath the table. What is a little white lie now and then, I can't stand yearbook drama.
I contemplated joining Alison and Allene in whatever they were doing, but they looked to busy, so I put on my headphones and started drawing. Then I just put my head on my bag and sniffed.
Haslam could sense my newfound lifeache, and she told me to go lie down. So I did.
But I couldn't sleep because the couch smelled like marijuana, and people kept coming in to ask me what the matter was. They are not very good at this.
I woke up when the final bell rung, and everyone thought I was a red stoner. And so I went home and did more pretend sleeping, and then Kelsea came over and gave me an envelope and we took a walk through White City to say hi to someone with a dirty black poodle.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
She climbed the stage in her slippers. She'll play you a song with one electric string.
I sit in the back, and I play my heart out. Benerawk.
Last night, it was hard to fall asleep with a lack of creative genius around me. Nobody even knows what to put on a pumpkin, and they think I am crazy when I hold a knife. There she goes, saying she knows everything, and walking away to get a class of green motor oil to swallow. All I need is a scuba diver to walk in the room, wet and dripping, and tell me that things can be just fine. But Kaylee is left-handed so I rest my head under some table, and rest on the floor for a few hours.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
-Joan Crawford
I sit in the back, and I play my heart out. Benerawk.
Last night, it was hard to fall asleep with a lack of creative genius around me. Nobody even knows what to put on a pumpkin, and they think I am crazy when I hold a knife. There she goes, saying she knows everything, and walking away to get a class of green motor oil to swallow. All I need is a scuba diver to walk in the room, wet and dripping, and tell me that things can be just fine. But Kaylee is left-handed so I rest my head under some table, and rest on the floor for a few hours.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
-Joan Crawford
Monday, October 11, 2004
"If you ever meet my friends, and they say something weird about you, just kind of act like it really happened, or nod your head or something."
"What are you talking about!"
"Well, I may have exaggerated alot of the things you did."
"Oh boy."
Happy Monday. If you can call it happy, (some of you have to work :-p ) I think I'll bake a cake, wash my jeans, find where I hid that money, watch a good old movie, (raising arizona? probably.) go to work for an hour, call a buddy, break something, fold all that laundry in the livingroom, and buy a hat.
"Um, hi. Sorry. I meant to make popcorn for you, but a mouse ran through the kitchen, and I got distracted and started to do the dishes, and I was wondering if you still want popcorn?"
"Do I live in this house alone?"
"Where'd the mouse go?"
"Into the stove, I turned the burner on, but it got away. Did you already tell me if you want popcorn and I forgot?"
"So much for the stupid cat that's supposed to catch mice."
"Yeah, make some popcorn."
Monday, October 04, 2004
a name indicative of my passion
I asked Jordan today if he hated other girls as much as he hated me. He told me no, but I didn't believe him till he said that, yes, he was meaner to me than other girls. "You just want me to be mean, don't you?" And I nodded.
I ran across the field with barefeet, because the shoes that Kelsea gave me (that have coincidentally been mostly every place you could not imagine) were giving me blisters by the end of work. I did make my chiropractors appointment, and he electrocuted me again.
I went to a Chinese Buffet, and watched Sophie drop napkins and fortune cookies in my mom's ice tea.
Its okay Karl, just don't worry.
I asked Jordan today if he hated other girls as much as he hated me. He told me no, but I didn't believe him till he said that, yes, he was meaner to me than other girls. "You just want me to be mean, don't you?" And I nodded.
I ran across the field with barefeet, because the shoes that Kelsea gave me (that have coincidentally been mostly every place you could not imagine) were giving me blisters by the end of work. I did make my chiropractors appointment, and he electrocuted me again.
I went to a Chinese Buffet, and watched Sophie drop napkins and fortune cookies in my mom's ice tea.
Its okay Karl, just don't worry.
Friday, October 01, 2004
SUDDENLY
Jessica bought 250 sugar cubes, and she hands me one. The fat guy in front of me is better at taking pictures, but my mind is young: I am ambitious. I decide I like the second string guys that don't get to play so much, they talk to me. They don't say sorry if they bump into me, like I have a disease and I'll give it to them if they near me. A kid in a FBall uniform walks past me, without a helmet. I remember he didn't play last time, and his cologne wafts in my general direction. Pansy. "Sean Taylor keeps the ball for -- yard gain," Again. Really good coffee.
The thought of an angry Yearbook teacher, and my library fines come back and kick my pants. I am smiling anyways. A tackle lands out of bounds, practically on my foot, but I got a good picture, so I don't care if they are laughing at me. You get use to that with pink hair.
I am picturing breakfast at 6:30 am with my classy friends. I am trying to comprehend the mushy words that came out of Mr. Morris' mouth. I think about how long it took me to track down the principal just to take one picture. I wonder how Trevor's mom knew who I was. I rewind to after work, folding laundry between loud music, and skateboarding in my living room with all the rugs tucked out of the way.
Half past nine, and I'm talking on the phone with a friend I met three days ago. We dream about jumping out of airplanes, and being rock stars. I fall in the sink.
Jesting with Jimmy (don't worry he's in the band) at 11:30, and I'm ready to study the back of my eyelids, because it has been a LONG week.
Jessica bought 250 sugar cubes, and she hands me one. The fat guy in front of me is better at taking pictures, but my mind is young: I am ambitious. I decide I like the second string guys that don't get to play so much, they talk to me. They don't say sorry if they bump into me, like I have a disease and I'll give it to them if they near me. A kid in a FBall uniform walks past me, without a helmet. I remember he didn't play last time, and his cologne wafts in my general direction. Pansy. "Sean Taylor keeps the ball for -- yard gain," Again. Really good coffee.
The thought of an angry Yearbook teacher, and my library fines come back and kick my pants. I am smiling anyways. A tackle lands out of bounds, practically on my foot, but I got a good picture, so I don't care if they are laughing at me. You get use to that with pink hair.
I am picturing breakfast at 6:30 am with my classy friends. I am trying to comprehend the mushy words that came out of Mr. Morris' mouth. I think about how long it took me to track down the principal just to take one picture. I wonder how Trevor's mom knew who I was. I rewind to after work, folding laundry between loud music, and skateboarding in my living room with all the rugs tucked out of the way.
Half past nine, and I'm talking on the phone with a friend I met three days ago. We dream about jumping out of airplanes, and being rock stars. I fall in the sink.
Jesting with Jimmy (don't worry he's in the band) at 11:30, and I'm ready to study the back of my eyelids, because it has been a LONG week.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
"These are disgusting."
"Then why are you eating them Andy?"
"Because I just can't stop."
Well the world is bright and sunny today! They've devoted 1/2 an hour just to reading whatever you want in most of the English classes, and it bloody well makes it easier to stand. And oh, yeah, I am THE photographer for the school newspaper! HOOT HOOT. Yeah baby. I get the special treatment from the editor (which is NOT a bad thing), and I feel all important when the big people tell me that I'm covering the assembly and the Jordan/Copperhills Football game tomorrow. I was so excited I could barely eat lunch. Okay, it wasn't hard, food is good, but still, it was hard to fit food through my grin. Then, during Yearbook, people that bug me just stopped bugging me, and flippin' Josh Pitts even asked me if I was covering the Stomp Saturday night. I was like, *sigh*, "If you want me too,". I'm practically famous. Then Rick invited me to a Single File concert, and I'm like, totally.Fabulous and amazing! I love life, and I read my Bible this morning. Coincidence? I think not.
"Then why are you eating them Andy?"
"Because I just can't stop."
Well the world is bright and sunny today! They've devoted 1/2 an hour just to reading whatever you want in most of the English classes, and it bloody well makes it easier to stand. And oh, yeah, I am THE photographer for the school newspaper! HOOT HOOT. Yeah baby. I get the special treatment from the editor (which is NOT a bad thing), and I feel all important when the big people tell me that I'm covering the assembly and the Jordan/Copperhills Football game tomorrow. I was so excited I could barely eat lunch. Okay, it wasn't hard, food is good, but still, it was hard to fit food through my grin. Then, during Yearbook, people that bug me just stopped bugging me, and flippin' Josh Pitts even asked me if I was covering the Stomp Saturday night. I was like, *sigh*, "If you want me too,". I'm practically famous. Then Rick invited me to a Single File concert, and I'm like, totally.Fabulous and amazing! I love life, and I read my Bible this morning. Coincidence? I think not.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
"Uhf, I hate him."
"Yeah me too."
"Well...I don't really hate him."
"Yeah, me neither."
This is what insomnia is doing to me. I laid in bed last night, and I kept thinking, all those kids are going to be so cold at Warped tomorrow. I pictured them at an ampitheatre, and it was snowing, and their mohawks were freezing. Then I realized that I was laying in bed sweating, and that it is not winter, it is summer, and it was 100 degrees as we were coming into the valley. So, before I went crazy, I just redecorated my bed area. Now I have eight Beatles up there instead of just four, and I look at all of you before I sleep cuz there are like, a million pictures above my head. So, I took some steps to try to cure my insomnia. 1) stop drinking caffeine right before bed 2)wake up really early and don't take naps and that's about it. I am so happy to just be back, and that its Saturday, that I don't even care that all my friends are at the concert without me anyway. Well, okay, the band is not. Zach is getting married today, and then we'll play at Saturday night. Happy days are ours again.
"Yeah me too."
"Well...I don't really hate him."
"Yeah, me neither."
This is what insomnia is doing to me. I laid in bed last night, and I kept thinking, all those kids are going to be so cold at Warped tomorrow. I pictured them at an ampitheatre, and it was snowing, and their mohawks were freezing. Then I realized that I was laying in bed sweating, and that it is not winter, it is summer, and it was 100 degrees as we were coming into the valley. So, before I went crazy, I just redecorated my bed area. Now I have eight Beatles up there instead of just four, and I look at all of you before I sleep cuz there are like, a million pictures above my head. So, I took some steps to try to cure my insomnia. 1) stop drinking caffeine right before bed 2)wake up really early and don't take naps and that's about it. I am so happy to just be back, and that its Saturday, that I don't even care that all my friends are at the concert without me anyway. Well, okay, the band is not. Zach is getting married today, and then we'll play at Saturday night. Happy days are ours again.
Friday, July 09, 2004
"Hey Garrett," I said to my six year old cousin.
"Hey, we're cousins. That means we can kiss all we want."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Have you ever seen Indiana Jones?"
Welp. I've been at this farm a pretty dang long time. I'm ready to go home now. I need to go somewhere dry that'll suck the life out of me. That's how bad the humidity is.
Hey guys, 18 days til my birthday. I only have 18 days to complete my year of firsts. I did so many things for the first time. It'll be hard to match that.
Another happy ending?
"Hey, we're cousins. That means we can kiss all we want."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. Have you ever seen Indiana Jones?"
Welp. I've been at this farm a pretty dang long time. I'm ready to go home now. I need to go somewhere dry that'll suck the life out of me. That's how bad the humidity is.
Hey guys, 18 days til my birthday. I only have 18 days to complete my year of firsts. I did so many things for the first time. It'll be hard to match that.
Another happy ending?
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
"See ya in a couple hours kid," he says to me as I stuff another dryer sheet in between the couch cushions as I fold laundry.
"Yeah, good night Dad."
As the door shuts I realize I'm sitting by myself on a white and green striped couch throwing somebody's underpants on another pile on the coffee table. My mind is full as I build a sky scraper of thoughts.
My hair is soft? My hair is short. My tastebuds are gone from sour "poppers". Will Val kill us tomorrow because we're among the unfaithful who did not take the test? When does the drama end? Why do I bite my finger nails off in the dark? When did the music in my head stop? Jack White, "white stripes", I get it now. Why does Ewan McGregor have so many bumps on his face? Why don't we remember stuff that happened when we were a baby? Who are we saving the whales for, exactly?
"Yeah, good night Dad."
As the door shuts I realize I'm sitting by myself on a white and green striped couch throwing somebody's underpants on another pile on the coffee table. My mind is full as I build a sky scraper of thoughts.
My hair is soft? My hair is short. My tastebuds are gone from sour "poppers". Will Val kill us tomorrow because we're among the unfaithful who did not take the test? When does the drama end? Why do I bite my finger nails off in the dark? When did the music in my head stop? Jack White, "white stripes", I get it now. Why does Ewan McGregor have so many bumps on his face? Why don't we remember stuff that happened when we were a baby? Who are we saving the whales for, exactly?
Monday, March 29, 2004
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
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