by boopsiedaisy on Etsy

with love, from Frankenstein
I'm reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley right now. It's slow moving, but kind of touching. I'm not done with it yet, so I don't know how it wraps up. But Frankenstein wants nothing to do with his creation, and the monster just wants his friendship so badly. The monster disappears to live in the mountains for a while, and just watches this poor family and wants to be their friend, but can't reveal himself because he's been beaten by villagers before.
It's kind of heart-wrenching.

I only got one day off this weekend, but it has been a really good one. I got to eat at Wild Grape with Celisse which was pretty fancy. It was a treat, because I haven't been eating out much at all these past couple weeks in order to catch up with the Christmas and Tuition, and plane tickets that I have put on my credit card. It is going to be a busy Spring, I can already tell.
Kelsea's band played last night, which was also amazing. They are my favorite band at the Rock church. :) It was really good to catch up with all of my good friends from Provo.

Back to the grind, tomorrow, but feeling fully refreshed.

Bob,
I say these things to you now from some distance, because I came to you on my knees. I came to you a broken woman, but you wormed your way out of my arms.
I was ready to become clean. I was willing to take back my opinions on spending all my years with just one man.
I was re-reading your love letters to me, and starting to feel something.
But you set me free.
You let me go, and somewhere down the road I'll be happy about it.
I'll move back into my selfish ways and move through rooms alone.
I asked you for this, and I know about too late. I'm feeling too late now.

I'll lock up the map back to the first moments you needed me.
These are the first moments I've needed you.
If our affections could only happen at the same time.

Goodbye. I'm yours sincerely.

"if there's anything you want, come on back 'cuz it's all still here. I'll be in the back room drinking my half of the beer."

I'mma tell you this straight. If there is anything I have learned in life from my various employments and more frustrating relationships, it's this: you are never going to get anywhere until you become a mind reader.

Here and there, in this world, you meet a few people who are very decent communicators. You meet a few people who are actually thinking the next couple steps ahead.

But for the most part, you better be anticipating and planning your counterpart's move before he does. These are the success stories.

And that the world is run by tired people.

"we go through all the same lines, and sell out to appease, but go to sleep in a bed of lies. I've made my own more than once or twice." Spoon

waking up strong in the morning, and walking in a straight line. lately I'm a desperate believer, but walking in a straight line.

Missed you Silverchair. Missed you a lot.

This is a photo of MY vitaminwater flavor. I have the sneaking suspicion that they are discontinuing it, and I'm getting kind of traumatized. I've been drinking one of these everyday since the beginning of May of last year.
I don't know how I'll move on. The new blue one is disgusting.

I'm kind of in a funk, is the truth. I didn't think it would happen to me this winter. Nobody close to me has died. I'm getting pretty decent sleep. I'm doing well in school.

I think it all comes back to my boss, and how she is making me feel as a person. It makes each day harder to get through.

I start to question God why He laid this job in my lap and made look like the right thing after I'd been praying about it for 4 or 5 weeks. But I guess going over Ruth in small group tonight reminded me that this hurdle happened for a reason, and maybe something good enough will come of it. Or maybe He is just telling me to stay out of sales for the rest of my life.

I'd rather end Wednesday on a happy note though. I was reading about Mae West today on my own time, and yes-she-was-a-hussy but she was funny. Here's a less sessuál(as Liz Lemon would say) quote.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. "
-Mae West

today I am a fraud.

I know a lot of other people are fraudulent, but today, I am a much bigger fraud than usual.

I'm pretending I know Spanish.
I'm pretending I don't feel like a failure at my job. It is hard to do this when my manager keeps telling me that I am a real failure.

I'm pretending I did not wake up on the wrong side of the poverty line.
I'm pretending I didn't just drink 32 oz. of Dr. Pepper at work, or that I do this on a regular basis to calm down, or to face my afternoons at the bank.

I'm fake-smiling. And I don't smell good. My hands have smelled like a sandwich all day, which, if you know me, this is a reason I usually avoid sandwiches. And you also know how important smell is to me.

And no Dr. Smith, I didn't finish reading Freud's article on the Uncanny.

FRAUD. FAKE. IMPOSTOR.

Okay, cool. Tomorrow is a new day and this season of life has an expiration date.

fragments

The weekend was beautiful and short lived. After I was done house-sitting for good, it actually felt good to come home this time. My dream, after house sitting while every one was gone to Grand Junction, was to get a little house by myself, and grow plants, and live alone for a few years. Basically, what my dad did in the 80's before he became a Christian.
But then I realized that when I am left by myself, I see shadows and reflections that aren't there. I get spooked. But living by oneself during the day...it sure is nice.

It is Spring time, here, now. And what I mean by that is driving with the windows down. I am not ready for it to get warm yet. I am lamenting the end of January, to an extent.

Everyone I know should go rent the movie Devil by M. Night. It's the one about the people in the elevator. I cried at the end. I like it when movies can make me seek God. It's not scary. Maybe a little bit, but it's mostly a thriller. I want to watch it again, already.

I also watched Mama Mia, this weekend, with my family, by accident, and Iron Man 2, on purpose, with my dad. I got to spend time with the Roberts, which was magical. I don't know anyone else I would rather spend time with, in the dark, in front a fire, smoking and listening to Nat King Cole and Billie Holiday. Well...maybe one day I will meet that person. And he will be tall, black, and handsome. And he will be wearing a three piece suit.

And you know what? I forgot all the words to the ABBA songs, which is really making me question all of my memory stored from before 2004.

"I'm sorry that you've been caught up in another Liz Lemon adventure."
"NO! I am the protagonist."
-Liz and Jack on 30 Rock

he thought i was in love with him, but during our embrace, i was looking over his shoulder at a computer screen and he has his head next to mine, and he digs his claws in until I scream.

He is, what Dr. Smith would call my Demon Lover.
Demon Lover being the guy/monster we know is bad, but are attracted to anyway. For no good reason. And he'll probably kill me.

His name is Magic. I don't have that much experience these last couple of years with cats. Margot stays outside. Celisse's cat Zwingli either loves you or hates you.

But this Magic cat is a creeper. One moment he is purring, and then the next he is mauling me. He screams at 1 a.m. at other cats in the carport til I think I'm going to shoot him with the revolver that helps me sleep at night. He is black, and I didn't used to be supersticious but my Horror class has got my heart beating in my throat at night. He is sudden.

In other news. There is a customer that I appreciate. I say this in leiu of customer appreciation week, which is next week. Come open up an account, we'll give you a donut and sanitizer spray that comes out of this plastic thing that looks like it should actually be a calculator.

The customer I appreciate, his name is Sergio. I am guessing he is in his mid-forties or close to fifty. I'm not very good at guessing age, but he looks older than my dad. Anyway. I can't understand half of what he says.
"When are you due?" he says to me a week ago.
"Oh....soon." I say. Always willing to play along with this sad imperception. (I swear, it was the shirt I was wearing. Or my burrito/beer baby)
"Like, 10 months?" He asks, aware of his mistake very quickly.
"Yes," I say. "10 months."
"How many kids do you have?" He asks.
"Four boys," I say, counting his hundreds carefully.
"Oh MY GOSH. Four boys, really?" He says, and then, "Bla bla bla," that I can't understand, through his thick accent. At least he tries to speak English. I barely let on to customers that I know Spanish, except accidentally when I nod at something they say in Spanish, and they catch me.

So now he always asks about my kids, and I feel like Philip, and his made-up children. And I don't mind lying to the clients. Sometimes they like it. Sometimes it's necessary, when the men ask you out, or track you down.

It was a beautiful Spring day, and after being stabbed repeatedly in a staff meeting, I think: "Only 59 more days. Fake it until I make it." Fake it 'til I make it.

I will conquer these present obstacles.
"Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.”
-Ambrose Bierce

Bad Dreams

One of the hardest parts these days is waking up after bad dreams. 4 or 5 nights a week I have a bad dream that makes me wake up regretting. Regretting things I never said to her, or sometime I wake up physically sobbing because I was back at the farm for a few hours while I slept only to have it ripped away when I wake up.

But I would rather wake up sad than not have visited them while I was asleep.
I fear the day that I won't be able to recall in the crystal clarity every object from that house. The wallpaper. Every field.

I don't want to move forward. I want to stay a child, and have no one grow older from this moment.

El ojo en la nuca.

"I want to show you how I love you, but there's nothing there." Spoon

My room is a mess, and my suitcase is still out, from house sitting. I'm just going to fill it back up.

I'm taking a horror movie English class that is focusing on gender. Reading the 700 page Mysteries of Udolpho. Already have my Spanish homework done. Everything is strangely in control. My sense of calm is probably because I've been on top of my Bible readings. My dad got me a Kindle for Christmas, which was an amazing, extravagant gift. But for the first time in my life, I'm reading the Bible everyday, and the Kindle is making it so easy. If I had known about this sooner, I would have sprung for one a long time ago.
Now I just have to work harder at Prayer. Prayer is a hard one for me, for some reason, because I know God already can read my mind, He knows what's going on. Also, because of predestination, I never think that my prayers are going to change things. But I know that prayer is good, and we're supposed to do it, so I'm working on it.

My goals for this semester:
-find a job that doesn't constantly make me feel like a failure (I am a very hard worker, this shouldn't be that hard! ha)
-get out of debt (so I have savings if I get fired. also, ha)
-pray out loud more
-pass Spanish with a B

I know I have other cool ideas that I will remember later.

Lastly...my dad sometimes will try to understand football, for my mom, which is pretty cute. But if I marry some dude who loves football, I just can't like it for him. I've tried to do like it way too many times by now.

"Everything has a solution, don't worry," Gloria told me, in her thick Colombian accent, an hour after we closed the doors. She spent an extra hour of her personal time, because I was on the phone with operations support to help me figure out a huge problem that I had created. I think how sweet she is when we are not talking Sales. I think how this job has stretched me like taffy. I almost break, but always get folded back in. I think back to my first year of college, when everything did not have a solution. I confess to her when I used to lock myself in my room and not leave my house for two or three days out of fear. The fear is unexplainable to someone without anxiety, but I am blessed enough to have those days behind me for now.

These days, all I see is how God is providing for me. How I have bread for each day. I know I need to be a better steward. But I do know, that if I was fired suddenly or lost my job for other reasons, that God will still provide. I do not have the same crippling fears I grew up with. I know God comes through because I've watched it. I see it everyday.

In my ways, I have survived several different armies.

I keep forgetting that I asked God to be an Eskimo, and that I wanted this cold winter. But I always remember how much easier the cold is for my head than the summer allergies and hot sleepless nights.

Sleep is so enjoyable in the cold. I never want to get out of bed.

Today was the first day of school, and I found out last night that one of my courses changed times, and is the exact same period as another class, so I have to choose between the two of them. I think this is probably a good thing. A God thing. This way, at least 2 days a week I can take the bus to save gas money. Also, I have a better chance of getting grant money for Fall semester, so that would be a better time to take 3 courses.

I immediately made friends with the girl in front of me in Spanish class, since I didn't get the class with Matt Nanes. She is as far behind as I am, so it should work out great.
I've finally learned how to be outgoing and have classmates I can rely on.

[x] go ice-skating at Gallivan

No. I don't actually have a list of things I need to get done, I just love checking things off anyway.

Went ice-skating with Kelsey G., Darrell, and Philip tonight. It was really good to get out and do something fun and wild even though it is freezing, and the valley is a fishbowl of pollution right now. Then we went to Denny's, and seeing Kelsey with short hair makes me want to cut all of mine off.

3 days left of Winter break, and my Spanish is still terrible.
2 days left of sleeping in.

A little thing called Victory.

So far, January is awesome. I'm getting toned by Jillian Michaels. Celisse is texting me every day to make sure that I'm reading the Bible and I really think I'm going to get through the One-Year this time. Probably because I started in the beginning of November. :)
I'm eating less crappy foods, and drinking less. I think that I haven't had a Vitaminwater in 4 or 5 days either. I haven't been on FB for weeks. I'm feeling mentally good.

My job might be really hard, but I hope for the future. I'm going to push through this semester and hopefully speak some Spanish by the end of it. I'm going back to Iowa in March. I'm looking forward to everything.

I love Joan Holloway. This is where my winter break has mostly been spent, besides the Edwards' house. But even when I was dogsitting Patty and Kiki, I was really hanging out with Don Draper.

come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes

I used to get so reflective for the new year. But I think as I get older, I'm not as much in anticipation of what it will bring, because the last two or three years have been basically the same. So, two thousand ten, you were a pretty good year after April. I got my life back together at the farm, I got out of Starbucks, and I got an A in a senior level English class which I'm really proud of. I went on a cruise to Mexico which just makes me want to travel more, especially on boats.

I feel like I am capable of everything at this point. Except time travel, which is a shame. I wish I had been born in 1940.