"You're always coming to me with a problem. Just once I wish you'd greet me with a sparkler, and cotton candy, and tell me I have the number one album in America."
-Veronica (Portia De Rossi) on Better off Ted

I love fall. I love everything about it. Cool mornings. Pumpkins. Midterms. Bus rides. The sun going down earlier. Baking things in the oven rather than avoiding the oven at all costs. People starting to do things inside. Hoodies. Long showers. Warm drinks. People showing less skin. People wearing boots. The smell of books. Cookies. TV shows starting back up again. Routine. Schedule. Heavy blankets. Hot tub. Planning a vacation to escape the routine. Thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas without Retail. Friends. Family. Wine and cheese. Finding reasons to go to bed early. Gloves. Mail.

I can't wait for every day now.
My life is cured of Starbucks.

I'm surprised you can't remember me

I'm working this week at THE TOWER. I can't remember the real name of the building, but I can see the whole valley because we are working on the last floor before the top, and it is breathtaking. If I got to work on this floor for good...I would never leave Utah. You can see beyond the petty. You can see beyond the traffic. There isn't a view of any religious buildings, only architecture and trees, and glittering state street that fades gradually into the distance. It feels like it could be in the rest of America.

I love to rub shoulders with The Suits. Ride elevators with people who just nod. They don't try to make small talk and I love the silence. The food court is full of fancy people in perfect clothes; almost impossible to picture them in a backyard barbecue holding a beer and flipping burgers. I let my eyes flutter shut and try not to ask them who's fitted shirt they are wearing, or more importantly to me, who's scent they are wearing.

It might sound materialistic. It might sound outrageous. But I wake up every morning and I feel so pampered to become part of the people in the world who work
NINE
TO
FIVE.
Spoiled. Grateful.

And it makes me want to be a hot shot someday.

I keep thinking, in the back of my head, that I have something cooking on the stove. And that I still have a paper to do. And that I have to figure out my work schedule for the next 10 years. And then I remember that everything is fine.

My brain wants something to worry about, I think.

Today, campus was quiet, like everyone might be at home, sick. But everything still glittered in its way. I love riding the bus and not worrying about traffic. I love sitting on the edge of my seat in class, trying to understand about culture theory. Actually feeling, in the first time of my life, that I could raise my hand and say answers or ask questions.

Love Netflix. Love Pillsbury. Love quiet moments with God.

I am so happy for this Autumn.

bad romance

I had a dream about a man I thought I loved for a couple years. He showed up and told me that he finally wanted to know everything about me, and take me on dates, and that we were both in the right place in life to do this.

And you know what.

By the time I woke up, I realized that if he really showed up, that I wouldn't want him anymore. All the mystery would be gone, and he wouldn't be a genius anymore, for wanting me.

I'm sorry I love the chase, Chuck Bass.

I've been given a brand new life.
I wake up every day thinking, "This is too good to be true." I love my new job, I love school, I love my new diet, I love riding the bus.

My feet are barely touching the ground.

I visit Illinois while I sleep though. Sometimes it hurts so bad I want to die. But there are things in life that you have to keep working through.

Cancer. Headaches. Love lost. Poverty.
God is the only strength to keep going. Derek said tonight, "Is it your own power keeping you going? Is it how many Redbulls you drink? NO. It's God."

I have been given gifts. I have been given - most of all - Mercy.

I saw a girl on campus with a Rose tattoo on her arm that said, "Big Fat Delicious" and was basically just right for her. I thought, great for her for having self esteem when the whole world is telling you that you are not cute if you aren't skinny, but then I started to think, she has this tattooed on her for the rest of her life, and what if she loses weight down the road, to become a healthy weight. Even if that healthy is still 250lbs compared to whatever she was.

I typed in Big Fat Delicious on Google, and it was interesting what came up. A lady's blog about being anti to fat-haters, talking about how she'd never get a lap band or anything. I guess it's your right to eat whatever in America. And I do understand her perspective, from reading some of her posts. But I just feel so sad when people don't want to show self restraint enough to get healthy. The same for heavy smokers and drinkers.

In the end we pick our own poisons, I guess. Our organs will fail in 60 years no matter what preventions we try. It is a call to live life to the fullest right now while we've got it.

praying for pain, that you get back together.

It's a lot of wrong timing.

All of the days turn into days I don't remember living. The Army was working on this drug when I was in high school to help soldiers remember stuff on very little sleep. I wonder if they could hook me up.

I get sad every once in a while. And then I turn off the radio and I'm pretty fine. The aloneness is cherishable.

[x] go to a show all alone

I wasn't going to even go, but I had already paid $20 for the ticket. So I drove all the way with butterflies, found a parking spot easily, and walked in the door.
It was in between sets, luckily, and in five minutes, I was standing in front of Jenny Lewis and so happy. I found a girl to stand next to who didn't have friends with her either, and we exchanged enchanted looks, and held our arms the same way the whole time, which was more lovely than creepy.
They mostly played songs from their new album that I don't know yet, but they ended with The Next Messiah song, and did a cute encore.

It was a really happy time for me. The girl and I introduced ourselves to each other after it was all over, and I really wanted to her to be my friend in real life. But I got high off the feeling of a stranger wanting to meet me. People ignore me all day at school.

Just in general, I am very happy with things, and I'm going to soak up this moment til I fall asleep.

"I got a girl in the war, Paul, her eyes are like champagne. They sparkle, bubble over, and in the morning all you got is rain."
-Josh Ritter

One of these days I will quit drinking Theraflu to fall asleep. But the luxury of picking to fall asleep when you need to is just too tempting. And the candy flavor.
This is my last real week of Starbucks as my "job". I might sometime get normal sleep in the future.

I had a horrible dream last night that I woke up and it was my wedding day, and I didn't love the man I was marrying, and half the time I couldn't even remember his name. But he wanted me, and the wedding was paid for, so I felt like I had to go through with it. I put on the makeup and the dress, and I woke up, thankfully.

I think this comes from a fear of settling. And from my friends trying to marry me off.
But it might have been from watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night at Shannon's.
Could also be the cough medicine.

Bueno.

at this moment
I find myself in a similar situation to Darrell. We both commit all the hours of our days, so that we don't have to find ourselves alone. We work too hard, so we don't have to hear ourselves think.
He is getting thinner, and I am not getting thinner. But we will both wake up in a few months and say, where did the time go. And I am fine with that.

Slow progression in a right direction. I'm trying to kill the time and kill it dead.
I picture snow falling, and plastering almost fully real smiles on my face at all times. I picture finishing Spring semester only to hurry back to the farm, hurry to break my arms around the ones I love. I'm getting to be happy. Or as Brazilian Ana said to me once, "I'm getting love, Rachel."


"My life flashed before my eyes Liz, and I had one huge regret."
"What?"
"I should have worked more."
-a paraphrase of Jack on 30 Rock. All my life is 30 Rock episodes.