"Well," she said, twisting some grass around in her hand, "Do you suppose that you can work those sort of things out?"
"What things?" I asked her.
"You know, like the little things that annoy me about him. The little things that annoy him about
me. Do you make it work, even when there are those things?"
"I think yeah. I think you can, but I don't know. I've never gotten that far," I admitted to this
wide-eyed girl in front of me. She looked away and took another drag of her cigarette.
I fell back, onto the grass. We were sitting out in the middle of a field, in the night. But the moon
illuminated everything. When I looked at her, I could see every sin of mine reflecting back at me. The lessons I've learned. I could see the last year of my life cut into strange sections, since I'd last seen her. I ignore her, some of the time, I think. Which is horrible, I thought, when she was being honest with me. Well, she gauges how much she can trust me after I've spilled the beans on my own life. I always go first with those truths, I think.
The moonlight.
"People have to work those things out," I said, finally. "Because if you love him, it's not going to
matter. You're going to love him for the good things."
"I hope so."

"Oh, goodmorning. Did you wear your bathing suit to bed too?"
-Johnny, slightly shocked that someone else does that

Why is making the right choice so much harder than just doing whatever the hell you feel like.

Come with me, says
a longhaired boy
shorthaired boy
a boy with a shag
he will always have tattoos
but one day his heart will
not be black
in nature
he is calm, hopeful
and genuine with me
come with me, he says
and forget your truths
you won't need to know the
truth where we are going
and as always
I don't answer him
Yes, Loser. Take me to the
very bottom of our
existence and let us hate
ourselves. I do this every week
with someone else.

What I learned today:
-paint stripper will melt a plastic dixie cup
-paint stripper is not what you use to get oil paints out of your paint brush.
-pain stripper will knock you out if you inhale the fumes.

I'm having a good time. The people here sure are nice, but my life is falling apart from 2500 miles away, and I've still got a week to go. But I trust that God is good. I'm looking at a 50% chance of being completely unemployed when I get home, which is scary, but because I've saved so much money this year (not having health insurance, we call that risky investing), I might be able to slide until something opens up.
I don't know. It makes me so nervous my stomach hurts, sometimes. But then I remember I'm on vacation. I should be enjoying myself. So I do.

I'm catching up on pilates, and painting. Two of my faves.

she's been here too few years
to take it all in stride

We were sitting on the cold floor, in the dark. I was eating beef-a-roni and watching her eat her goldfish, and we were hiding from Michael.
"If he sees us, he'll tell us it's not in the budget," she says, and I know it's true.
I know that it's over. And I know what it tastes like. We only have a few weeks left.

No, it's not really that bad. We've got the revolution medicine, and it's so strong. It's just hard.

I'm packing up, and the road has never looked so good. I'm just starting to feel amazing, so it's sad to leave, but this time I'm not going to come back a stranger.

Sleeping pills to sleep, waking pills to wake
Actually, tonight you should just read this.
It's good.
I didn't write it, and I don't agree with every single thing he says, but it always inspires me. And maybe you will see why I love this man?


Destroy your body at your own pace
by Dave Smallen

Our heartbeats are the tick of the death bomb's clock.
Living is a synonym for aging.
Each year we are stamped with a new number
to define our expectations, our capabilities, our desires.
Are we on par with all of our numeral-brethren?
Do we think, laugh, cry, walk, fuck, feel, breath, eat, shit, worry, sleep, love... all at the same rate as them?
Destroy your body at your own pace.
Are 27 well enjoyed years worth more than 72 cautious years?
Does it matter who knows your name?
The fundamentals don't change.
A lot who care a little are worth less
than a few who care unconditionally.
Sterilize. We are unfit for paternity.
(My head hurts)
Sleeping pills to sleep, waking pills to wake.
I want a red flannel shirt dyed with the blood of Kurdt Cobain.
My mind is not where my body is.
My mind itches.
We are slander written across the
entire inhabitable western tapestry.
Clichés are mostly true.
Nothing is concrete but everything is NOT relative.
Listen to others or don't, but don't listen to me.
Don't be a burden, don't burden yourself.
Many things can't be expressed with words,
- Listen to your gut.
(hear your father and mother)
Stop clenching your teeth. Never try not to think.
You'll always want more.
There is only such thing as self-education
- you learn what you want.
(Who remembers how to solve for x???).
Know the consequences to your actions!!!
Dance outside the bathroom door
- you owe nothing to the dance floor
you aren't a dancer. Its ok to be sad, sadness is clarity.
Be old in soul and young in heart.
Respect and listen.
Drive aimlessly.
Get drunk, get high, see a movie.
(the actor didn't write what he said).
Escape!!
Believe in perfection, accept imperfection.
Don't call back if you don't want to.
Don't string people along.
Singing heals.
Have nervous breakdowns.
Break nervously down.
Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!
Be picky.
Be a hypocrite.
Forget who Paris Hilton and Thomas Jefferson are.
Kiss beneath monuments (fucking make out beneath monuments!!).
If you don't like where you live
- leave.
Don't tie yourself down,
Break ties.
Save your money,
sleep in your car,
stay up all night,
get out, get away!
Rationalize. Be irrational.
Explode.
Laugh!!!!
Trick yourself
- Smile!!!!!

This is where I went and met God tonight.

Got my head all cleared out. Breathed the clean air.
I do feel clean, in general.
I feel like there is nothing mucky in my life, and I feel like I'm moving on, I'm going forward, and nothing can stop me. I feel God's power and forgiveness.
I feel my new life all over again, sometimes.
Especially lying on warm concrete at night, staring up at the stars, and just being honest about things with my friends. I'd forgotten what honesty was, these past couple weeks, or months. I've been bottling it up and telling lies to get by.
But not now. I've got only so much time, and I'm gonna use it for what needs to be done.

no more second guessing

"Na na na na," I was singing, like a three year old, pouring cranberry juice in the kitchen when Dr. Furious walks by. He is moving fast, but he has just enough time to give me a glare that's so cold it makes my bones ache. A four second memory of him yelling at me creeps up...
And then I laughed. He's just a stupid doctor, with his head inflated so big that he has to yell at nurses and CNAs to feel powerful.

I have an interview Thursday. I'm listening to Golden Shoulders. And an hour long phone call might have just saved my life.
Yes, life is good.

And

T-minus 5 days til I get myself out of here and back on the road.

I'm gonna get me a little oblivion, Baby

Today I drove for the first time, and it's a very sobering thing.
I registered for classes, which is exciting, I guess.
But I got a migraine, again. The headaches are back.
Sometimes I think I love Amerge more than anything. It's expensive, but worth it, in some ways. While it has never let me down, it does have weird side effects like really low blood pressure (can't feel my hands and feet), and nose bleeds.
But it's worth it, when you're thinking about chopping off your own head. ANYTHING is worth it, at that point.

I feel like I'm made out of a pool. Goodnight.

"No, pork chops are good for you."
"Really? I thought all parts of the pig were bad."
"Well, ham is not so good."
"And bacon. And sausage."
"Ah yes, sausage. The presentation there is awful."

-Natalie said that last part. In her Honduran accent.

my thoughts on eating dirt

A lot of bad things have happened the past couple of days, but I guess that you just gotta keep waking up every morning and you still need to brush your teeth four times a day.
My fantasy life has gone from time spent with rockstars to wondering what exactly is still in the back of my truck's cab. Wondering what clothes are back there, and if a purple man with a really huge lip has been rummaging through bungie cords and old photographs I tried to forget.
I didn't sleep last night.
I won't sleep tonight.
And I must go on standing, with my smug smile. I'm reciting memorized lines to get me through the hours of daylight.



"You have very small hands, Alex."
"Well, I guess I'm just a really small girl."

poker face

I found a whole family of quail living in my bushes out front. I got really excited, and much to the momma quail's chagrine, I picked up one of the babies and just about ate it, it was so cute. I thought about keeping it, but I felt bad. I knew it would miss it's family, so I let it go and walked away.

My heart started beating really hard again. I thought that it had mostly stopped in November, but I lie in bed some nights and feel it pounding against my skin. My heart is a bass drum. How fitting.

Today I took a man with one leg out to smoke. Sometimes I get really ticked off at patients who have to smoke. I grind my teeth as we're waltzing down the hall and think that, if these people are going to be in the hospital, it's a good time to quit smoking. (tangent number nine: it's also a good idea to stop being picky about water. If you can't be happy with tap water, Dasani can be good enough. My lord, you can't be picky about what type of bottled water you're drinking when you are in the hospital with appendicitus).
But usually by the time I get to the elevator I've mellowed out a little bit, and I realize that when you're going through something that is bad enough to put you in the hospital, maybe you deserve to get out and have a smoke now and then. Even though it's hugely out of the way for us.
So I took this one-legged man out for a smoke. He smoked two different kind of cigarettes, and we talked about different states, and where we'd traveled. I told him I was born in Iowa.
"I would like to go to Iowa," he said, narrowing his eyes and staring off into the distance. I almost burst into laughter. Good. Good for you, Mister.
A whitebread couple and their whiny son walked past us. They wouldn't look us in the eyes. And for a minute I got all defensive of my one legged patient who smelled like a firepit. "Just because he's smoking, and he's dirty, and he's wearing a combat jacket doesn't mean you shouldn't say hi!" I thought. And then I realized I was a complete hypocrite.
Like usual.

I spent 8 hours today babysitting an alcoholic that didn't need supervision that much. We watched the same episode of The Starter Wife three times, because we kept missing parts of it, and we were bored. But I still don't even understand the plot. Ah well. I got paid to watch t.v. all day with someone I didn't have to speak to. And that's pretty good, if you ask me.

take it easy (love nothing)

"and it isn't so hard to get close to me,
there'll be no arguments, we'll always agree.
And I'll try to be kind, when I ask you to leave,
we'll both take it easy."
-Bright Eyes


Sometimes, I think during or after the "persevering through trials" phase, I revert to my workaholic self. By tomorrow afternoon, I will have worked 46 hours this week, and picked up two shifts that I wasn't scheduled for. It's nice, sometimes, to just pour into all that, to take my mind off of things, but I become somewhat mechanical. Work, sleep, video games, Scrubs, Bible, coffee. A machine. I've turned into a machine. The only person I ever talk to anymore is girl-Alex, my brother, and dog-Jack. I crack jokes that only I'm laughing at, and dreamily look at pictures of places I will never go.
But I'm happy enough for me. I'll see Lauren today, give blood, and go to Hayden's party. And it's really okay.
One day, I'll take all this money, and I'll go somewhere.
Away from the things of man.