Hello from Lyon

I don't have a legit computer, and also I've been too lazy to journal while I've been here, but let me just tell you that being in France is pretty bomb.

I am hoping to remember my memories by pictures an videos.

I am just constantly floored by how good the food really is. People always say that, but I guess I learned the truth.

Also I am incredibly blessed that God put me in a place in life that I could afford to take this trip, and the time off for it.

And the other thing, besides the beauty and food, is it just feels so good to only think about how great of a time I'm having and forgetting all my worries from home.

It is nice to be an alien for once.

answer key

The secret is: I really miss deadlines.

Being a graduate just feels like, the deadlines are floating around in outer space. Anything could happen at any time, and it makes for a queasy stomach.

But having a deadline for leaving the country gave me things to do this week, like pack, call my credit cards, buy a bridesmaid dress so it can be shipped in time for my cousin's wedding, and find my things that were lost in the abyss of my room. Here are some other things.

-I thought I was having small daily heart attacks, but it seems my acid reflux is just moving to a place next to my heart. This is unfortunate because I was hoping to get some Valium out of my problems. Just kidding?

-Sometimes you feel in love, and sometimes you say, "Heart, that is a bad idea, let's go do dishes instead."

 -Putting away a Starbucks order can probably burn 600 calories.

 -a moment when Elaine suddenly appears by your side, unexpectedly, while you are ringing up a customer, and whispers, "When are we going to run away together, my Love?" and you whisper back, "Tonight, at midnight," and then finish swiping a white guy's credit card for his triple nonfat latte

 -headaches that go away with minimal effort and ibuprofen

 -fourth or fifth honeymoons with the love of your life

 -family dinners when you all say memories

-hearing your latest favorite song coming on at work, and then putting it on repeat

-butterflies in your stomach about leaving the United States for no other reason but having fun

There will be time for doctors and dentists and for brewing coffee over and over.
Tomorrow is not that time.

landlocked blues

Source: dfnisland.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I am so sleepy/exhausted today that I think even my soul wants to take a nap.

I like going to beaches well enough, but what I really wish I could do,

is be out on the water.

In a boat, for a really long time, with some books and a heart that is ready to heal over and forgive, and come out bright and shiny and pump blood better than ever. And I would have a lot of new blood to give to the people who are worse with wear.

Because I look around me, and all I can think about is my brothers and sisters who signed up to fight in this war with me, but they have gotten weary of fighting battles, and are stripping themselves of the armor of God.

They stand in fields, willing and ready to be wiped out by the gunfire of the enemy.

I wish I could hold them and bandage them up, and somehow give them the courage to keep going.

monday morning at Panera

She held my hand across the car, in between the seats, but the way she held it, all I could feel was how soft her skin was--like an innocent small child--and I knew all she was thinking about was to keep going and to keep listening to the radio. I didn't know how to meet her grandpa, yet we ended up sitting across the table with him, and I was choking down some coffee, even though I don't like to drink coffee with salty breakfast food (I was having eggs and toast) and wished I had broken down and gotten a coke instead. They were saying all of the usual things that didn't mean anything special, but formed warm air in our booth, and I knew she wasn't thinking about what it had felt like to hold my hand (she had done it accidentally), but that was all I could think about when her grandpa kept blinking so slowly. I worried that my skin was going to get as old as his was, in fewer years than his did, and I started to panic. I panicked that I would never find myself married, and would lose all the things about me that gave the walls color, and made my dogs keep living. I suddenly felt sure that I would walk back into my apartment, alone, and both of my dogs would be 100% dead. I panicked that my hair would take an awful shape, and I wouldn't remember how to open fashion magazines, and I worried that the wrong perfumes would start smelling really good to me, and that I would be an old woman who smelled bad, but had all of her organs strangely unabridged. I knew my friend was thinking only about her grandfather's safety, about how he was getting along with a stint (or is it a stent?) in his heart but all I could think was that I wish I had told Peter I would marry him, and where would I be now. I'd be at Promontory. I'd be miserable. I'd be cutting coupons, and wiping tables at Wendy's. But as we got back into her car she said, "Thank you Lisa. Thank you for doing this with me. He's so proud, but he can't be so steely around my girlfriends, and I'm glad you were with me." And I felt bad that I hadn't even been with her, the whole time. I'd been drifting around the city with ridiculous expectations of how my life was really going to turn out after everything. I'm not missing all the points on purpose. Sometimes you just open the cupboard and find that it is bare. But sometimes if you walk to the other room, and then back again, you will find a different sort of bareableness, that you really weren't expecting. And this will help you to keep waking up and eating the same breakfast, over and over.

hip hip, for the lift

for Elaine, forever ago

Me: Can I go home sick so I can watch--
Elaine: Soaps?
Alex: I used to love to watch the Soaps when I was a kid.
Me: I was going to say Star Wars.
Elaine: General Hospital!
Alex: Yeah!
Elaine: My moms used to watch General Hospital and split a Diet Coke.

I don't know why I think this is so funny. I suppose it is partly because
a) Elaine kind of has two moms and
b) that they would split a Diet Coke.


Elaine is my darling, and favorite coworker. She comes from a polygamist family, but I haven't exactly pinned down what their beliefs are (they are not necessarily FLDS?) because she is wild and unorthodox, but still believes if her husband felt called to have a second wife, she'd be down.

She has red hair, and she is beautiful, and delightful, and funny and cheerful.
I wish I could bottle up the way I feel around her, and take it everywhere. No one would ever call me a dark and stormy person.

I am in a state of extreme encouragement right now. 
Even though I am sick (a result, I believe, of not drinking alcohol, but I don't have time to go into that theory right now) I am pretty happy and looking forward to my European vacation coming up, and I think my stomach is really getting healed from not drinking coffee and alcohol.

I am blessed beyond all measure.
Even though this life may not be the desire of my heart, when I come home from work and I don't have to cook dinner for my fake husband and imaginary kids, I am pretty lucky to get to just water my plants and take a nap. God knows what He is doing.

oh, hi there

Source: shop.uncovet.com via Rachel on Pinterest

I haven't had a lot to say because, I just worked 8 days straight, and my legs hurt more than my brain works.

I've been standing around at work, and thinking, this is not my real life. I told my boss, "I don't usually remember driving to work, or driving home. I'm not quite sure that this isn't just actually a dream." And she just laughed that, "You're weird, Rachel," laugh that says she's not actually sure that I'm not a dream either.

I'm going to spend the next three days reading,
 not drinking coffee or beer,
catching up with my 21 mile a week running goal,
and hanging out with Jesus.