Sustaining
Nothing very new going on.
Today is my eighth day of running. It feels really good. Grandparents have been in town but they are leaving tomorrow. This is my last night on the couch, but I will miss them. It'd be nice if they just bought a farm out here. I wish I could have all the people I love in one spot. My grandparents, Jenni and Megan, Jake, Celisse. And if the ocean could be closer.
Easter this year was better than 2007. I was thinking about where I was this time last year. Last Easter Sunday, I was watching everyone rush into one of my patients rooms to try to resuscitate a dying man. Nothing that dramatic happens to me at work anymore. I miss it a little bit, just because I have a distance from it. I miss Alex Thompson too.
My friendships are quite different than they were a year ago. They've gotten so much stranger, but better. More like the spot that I should be in. This, too feels good.
But I'm still just never sure what is supposed to happen next.
I'm okay with enjoying what is now but the future is so very unplanned that all the work I've done the past 4 semesters seems like it just has an ellipses on it. Like its just going to trail off and get forgotten.
I just don't know what to expect.
But whatev!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I'm still driving your way, and I'm sorry everyday
Which is worse:
a) not knowing what you want out of life
b) knowing exactly what you want, and having it directly out of reach..
And life goes on.
I'm trying to simplify this week. (Isn't that an everlasting process...trying to simplify) I've taken two nights off of my regular routine to just do chores and go running. I hung pictures in my room last night. Sat down and worked on tattoo sketches for Kaylene, and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Today my grandparents got here, and so I'm just hanging out with them, enjoying their company. I also got lunch with Ashlie and Corey, which was awesome.
I some times try out different lives every week. I think this is a good thing.
I won't always want what I'll never have, I won't always live in my regret.
-Jimmy Eat World
Which is worse:
a) not knowing what you want out of life
b) knowing exactly what you want, and having it directly out of reach..
And life goes on.
I'm trying to simplify this week. (Isn't that an everlasting process...trying to simplify) I've taken two nights off of my regular routine to just do chores and go running. I hung pictures in my room last night. Sat down and worked on tattoo sketches for Kaylene, and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Today my grandparents got here, and so I'm just hanging out with them, enjoying their company. I also got lunch with Ashlie and Corey, which was awesome.
I some times try out different lives every week. I think this is a good thing.
I won't always want what I'll never have, I won't always live in my regret.
-Jimmy Eat World
Sunday, March 16, 2008
in the backseat
Its just one of those weekends that worked really hard on my heart and is really hard to put into words. I have come back to SLC in the overwhelming reality that I am part of an amazing family that stretches so far and is so loving. The reality that God is the only thing I can ever fall back on. The reality that Burger's King everyday will wreck your life.
Prayer, worship, prayer, and driving a lot.
Here's to Jesus.
To sleeping on deflated air mattresses.
To stopping on your friend's myspace page to listen to their whole profile song.
To green tea or gelato.
To hallelujah.
To kick drums.
To looking into someone's eyes and knowing they only sparkle because you love them.
Its just one of those weekends that worked really hard on my heart and is really hard to put into words. I have come back to SLC in the overwhelming reality that I am part of an amazing family that stretches so far and is so loving. The reality that God is the only thing I can ever fall back on. The reality that Burger's King everyday will wreck your life.
Prayer, worship, prayer, and driving a lot.
Here's to Jesus.
To sleeping on deflated air mattresses.
To stopping on your friend's myspace page to listen to their whole profile song.
To green tea or gelato.
To hallelujah.
To kick drums.
To looking into someone's eyes and knowing they only sparkle because you love them.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
i killed my dinner with karate.
Happy Sunday for the first time in at least three weeks that I can think of.. it's the happy sort of waking up at ten 'o clock (would have been nine o clock yesterday? I don't get this whole daylight thing) and felt content like you do when you've seen someone lovely the night before and he visits you somehow in your dreams like a good friend. Content like when you're having peaceful flashbacks.
I watched a movie by myself and then went for a long run/walk and ended up swinging on the swings at a park.
abridged soundtrack
open book - cake
if you don't, don't - jimmy eat world
the book of right on - Joanna Newsom
reptilia - the strokes
It felt good like breathing. It felt like watching Philip saw his cast off his arm in Midway, Utah in a posh resort. It felt like being able to speak spanish. Watching a dog catch a frisbee in the air. Like knowing.
After I shot some hoops with someone's leftover basketball, I walked home and I realized I just felt good because I knew some stuff, in the midst of all this uncertainty.
1) I know God is real. And I grasp that. I grasp that foundation.
2) I'm going to take a class with Alison again, and even if that's all I take for the rest of my college life, that will be good. Art. Good.
3) Vampire Weekend is a great CD.
And that's all I need to know for a little while. And maybe that I could have some pull-aparts from the Pie soon. That would be fantastic.
Happy Sunday for the first time in at least three weeks that I can think of.. it's the happy sort of waking up at ten 'o clock (would have been nine o clock yesterday? I don't get this whole daylight thing) and felt content like you do when you've seen someone lovely the night before and he visits you somehow in your dreams like a good friend. Content like when you're having peaceful flashbacks.
I watched a movie by myself and then went for a long run/walk and ended up swinging on the swings at a park.
abridged soundtrack
open book - cake
if you don't, don't - jimmy eat world
the book of right on - Joanna Newsom
reptilia - the strokes
It felt good like breathing. It felt like watching Philip saw his cast off his arm in Midway, Utah in a posh resort. It felt like being able to speak spanish. Watching a dog catch a frisbee in the air. Like knowing.
After I shot some hoops with someone's leftover basketball, I walked home and I realized I just felt good because I knew some stuff, in the midst of all this uncertainty.
1) I know God is real. And I grasp that. I grasp that foundation.
2) I'm going to take a class with Alison again, and even if that's all I take for the rest of my college life, that will be good. Art. Good.
3) Vampire Weekend is a great CD.
And that's all I need to know for a little while. And maybe that I could have some pull-aparts from the Pie soon. That would be fantastic.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
life after midterms
People are always trying to tell you not to worry about stuff. About how it doesn't add a day to your life (oh that's the Bible. Good one, God!) but also about how it just stresses you out and you live shorter and stuff.
But really.
If I didn't worry now and then, I wouldn't show up to school. I wouldn't try to pass my classes. I wouldn't try to balance at the end of the day (fired much?) and there would be no anticipation, no let down. No relief...
What I'm trying to say is that worry kills me but I use it like an instrument to keep me in shape.
Or maybe I'm using it to kill me.
Okay. On towards brighter pastures...
If you have a minute, you should check out my friend Paul Porter.
(http://www.myspace.com/paulportermusic)
Listen to "The Verdict".
Por favor.
"Well, don't worry about it.........unless you want to."
-Shannon
People are always trying to tell you not to worry about stuff. About how it doesn't add a day to your life (oh that's the Bible. Good one, God!) but also about how it just stresses you out and you live shorter and stuff.
But really.
If I didn't worry now and then, I wouldn't show up to school. I wouldn't try to pass my classes. I wouldn't try to balance at the end of the day (fired much?) and there would be no anticipation, no let down. No relief...
What I'm trying to say is that worry kills me but I use it like an instrument to keep me in shape.
Or maybe I'm using it to kill me.
Okay. On towards brighter pastures...
If you have a minute, you should check out my friend Paul Porter.
(http://www.myspace.com/paulportermusic)
Listen to "The Verdict".
Por favor.
"Well, don't worry about it.........unless you want to."
-Shannon
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
yeah, I'm not buying it either, but I'll try selling it anyway
I guess I am addicted to running away from home. To home. Living in my car day to day, living in other people's houses. Being in other states.
I long for Des Moines, I long for Peoria. I long for that feeling of home that is not always in my parent's house, but often with my grandmother, or out in the silent breathtaking country of Illinois. So I go looking for it all over.
But when it comes down to it, I hate leaving here.
Bob helped me with my Spanish homework today. Well he wrote it for me, actually. He's pretty much a fantastic guy, and he's got some facial hair right now, which is probably why we've been getting along so well this week.
Maybe I'll pass Spanish.
Maybe I'll just be okay at life?
I guess I am addicted to running away from home. To home. Living in my car day to day, living in other people's houses. Being in other states.
I long for Des Moines, I long for Peoria. I long for that feeling of home that is not always in my parent's house, but often with my grandmother, or out in the silent breathtaking country of Illinois. So I go looking for it all over.
But when it comes down to it, I hate leaving here.
Bob helped me with my Spanish homework today. Well he wrote it for me, actually. He's pretty much a fantastic guy, and he's got some facial hair right now, which is probably why we've been getting along so well this week.
Maybe I'll pass Spanish.
Maybe I'll just be okay at life?
Sunday, March 02, 2008
New admission, at 3 in the morning.
Smelling like smoke, feeling confused because I skipped ahead too many episodes in LOST, and this is the actual admission:
Sometimes I just don't eat all day because I'm too lazy to try to come up with something interesting to eat with the varied foods we have here in this place.
And then at three in the morning, I realize I am starving because all I ate today was oatmeal and half a plate of pasta. And I am still too uninspired to make something.
Goodnight.
Smelling like smoke, feeling confused because I skipped ahead too many episodes in LOST, and this is the actual admission:
Sometimes I just don't eat all day because I'm too lazy to try to come up with something interesting to eat with the varied foods we have here in this place.
And then at three in the morning, I realize I am starving because all I ate today was oatmeal and half a plate of pasta. And I am still too uninspired to make something.
Goodnight.
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