"honestly, I'm down like the economy"

Every morning I wake up at four a.m.

It used to be in fear, and I faced my demons and let them keep me awake for three months.

Now, I am in Utah, and I still wake up at four, though not with nightmares. I think they are visiting someone else now, maybe a coworker, or someone I've handed a latte to, years ago. But I still wake, and every time, as I move out of paralysis and get up to get a glass of water and use the restroom, I realize that I just woke up from Iowa. In my dreams.


To make a long story short:

a) I am having a hard time adjusting to my old real life.
b) I am having a hard time feeling anything at all.

I listen to people talk about their passions, and I wish for their passion, but I think things will be a LOT easier for me when school starts back up. Because, school is my passion, and I think....actually....writing is. Working everyday at a job I feel mediocre about is: Just Getting By, no matter what shoes I'm wearing or how strangers respond to me on the phone.

I am guessing that God has a lot of stuff to throw at me this year, and I am excited about it, and willing to change and grow.

I want to love deeper. I want to participate in real life.

Cheers to speaking in an American accent, relying on the internet for way more than I should, and having a new start everyday.