sarahogren on Etsy

I was hiding underneath the sea. I was looking out for me. Just me, the fish and the sea.
Patrick Watson

I lay awake for a while at night, without my white noise, wondering about how I got to be the way I am, and what parts are the influence of my family. Jeremy once said, as he was walking out the door,
"Rachel, you have your mother's common sense, and your dad's cynicism. You've got common cynicism."

My dad's side of the family is extremely outgoing, laughs a lot, loves deeply, and worries about stuff until they get it over with.
I think that when I am outgoing, I am like them. Especially worrying about stuff.

My mother's side of the family is more introverted, and mostly keep things bottled inside, but also laughs a lot, they know how to have fun together.

I hope I am a mix of them. I know that my honesty of who I am deep down only comes out over wine with the Moores, or during Jazz games with Celisse and Bryan in their basement. Or eating out with Kelsea and Caleb. (Oh, I just figured it out, I'm a third wheel.) But otherwise I know that I can push things away to simmer for years, and I need to let go.

Being with Judy is really great so far. My heart is learning humility, I think. I look around at the pictures in her house, and think about how in-love my grandparents were until the day Phil went to Heaven. I feel my walls melting about the marriage thing. I realize marriage will turn out really good for some people. I won't close my heart off for good, even if my eyes are closed right now.

"Rachel, we're not teenagers anymore. We don't fall in love with every guy we see," Martha told me during my last week of work. And she's right. There's probably some hoser out there for me somewhere. And hopefully he's almost done becoming a Dermatologist.