I don't know if it's because she's from the midwest but my grandma says these phrases or euphemisms that I have never heard before.

"They don't have a pot or a window to throw it out of." I don't know if it's a Lutheran thing, or a Midwest thing, or what.

Another thing I learned from watching Jerseylicious, is that people in Jersey are really good at similes. I haven't watched it for a few weeks, but when I do, I will try to take note for you. I feel like this is something I missed out on in Utah's Public High Schools. They don't teach you fun things to say, or how to get your hair big. The cheerleaders kept that one to themselves, but Tracy Dimarco sure filled me in.

"Well, it is a good movie. She might be really dumb, but she's dumb like a fox."
"I think the saying is crazy like a fox."
-my grandma, on Legally Blond and then my dad's quiet response to her

The holidays...

Work has been stressful, and I couldn't figure out why, because I didn't get a single e-mail from my boss all week about stuff I was doing wrong. Because she was on vacation. But then I realized maybe I was grumpy every day because I'd worked 6 days straight and I've been wearing uncomfortable cute shoes in effort to look more professional.

Celisse and I exchanged gifts on Thursday night and then Bryan made us go see Skyline, which was a fun experience and a terrible movie. I love the feeling of the apocalyptic movies though. There is something I crave about leaving your day-to-day circumstances of showing up to work, and then suddenly becoming a part of a group of people who are fighting or struggling in some way to survive. Maybe all of America loves this, and that's why they keep making those movies. But it also goes back to my thing of Freud and his discontents. I seriously want to go live in a commune, with little cabins and no air conditioning or furnaces. To have a community garden. The boys would go hunt or farm and the girls stay home and do laundry and get to read books and actually cook meals. I'd get to hang out with my awesome Christian brothers and sisters all day. Like the beginning of the United States of America. Maybe Heaven could be something like this.

this thing of being out of
school. My job wouldn't really give me more hours for the holidays. But they want me to spread the hours out over the week. So I work these baby shifts which are too short to do anything really important. So I end up watching too many episodes of my newest favorite TV series.

Without 19th century literature to tie me down, I end up going to bed wearing my bathing suit by accident. I enjoy standing in long lines. I enjoy making fake boyfriends so that I don't have to date any mechanics. I wake up in the night thinking about check holds, and Earl, and french toast, and Jillian Michaels. I do that thing of falling asleep on my drives home, in the dark. I choke down coffee. I leave my phone at work until the next day.

19 days. 11 hours. 37 minutes. 12 seconds.

when I was young, and moving fast, nothing slowed me down. slowed me down.
I'd been killing it on this Jillian Michaels gig all week, and then I started eating like a trucker, and ended up staying the night at the Edwards again, kind of accidentally. This time with Shaunte and Celisse in the basement and then I ate like a trucker all day, again. So there's that, I've got that.

The point was, that I am going to try to study Spanish for at least ten minutes a day, so I don't look like a white girl on the first day of class. I think ten minutes is a reasonable goal. And I'd like to read some books for pleasure.
A couple weeks ago, I said, Buenos Noches to this lady as she was walking out, because I considered it night-time. But then she corrected me without looking back, and said, "Buenas Tardes." And I've been afraid to speak Spanish to customers ever since. Even though it is slowly coming back to me. And today, this man who I like came in, and he is older and hispanic, with dark circles under his eyes, and always he is smiling at me. As he walked out, I said, "Buenas tardes," to him, and he turned fully around and gave me a really huge smile and patted me on the back because I was standing next to him at that point. "That's a really good job," he said to me, and then walked out. And it gave me some courage. And I took that courage and I locked it in a drawer to use on Monday.

"You have some of my Christmas tree in your hair."
-Celisse, after we were already eating at Pho Green Papaya

on Civilization and its Discontents
I think one of the biggest things I've been mulling on this semester is Freud. I never planned to read him in my life because I think he's a quack for not believing in God. But it's interesting how he talks about what a bummer society is to live in, and that Civilization might provide us a lot of protection (probably now more than ever as far as medicine is concerned) but it makes us unhappy. I like to picture myself moving out into the woods or moving to a farm in Minnesota and never thinking about Dolce and Gabanna or eating sushi or watching VH1. I watched Sweet Land again last night, but this time with my family, and by the end, my dad, mom and I were all choking up.
I don't want to live with regret that I didn't go back to let the Midwest be part of my growing older. I don't know if God can let me do this or not, as far as: I hope it is His plan and I'm afraid that it is not.

I know that there is work for me here, but I also know what calls to me is the amber waves of grain, my grandmother's kitchen, and the love that you just can't find in the mountains here.

Hell Week

Really not that bad. I've been working out, reading and reading, and I just picked up really good Thai food at a place that is walking distance from my house as a reward for hammering out a few pages this morning.

I'm writing a paper on Influence in Modernism, and another one about Freud. So I have been thinking a lot about what my influences are, and a lot about my guilt.

I want to use the Christmas break to dig deeper into the Bible and try not to spend so much time loving TV. The list of shows I'm hooked on just keeps growing, and it's not good because I've even been dreaming in TV episodes.

So here's a toast to health, this holiday season. Physical, mental, and spiritual.

"I don't mind waiting, if it takes a long, long time. I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives. I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our time. And I don't mind racing through our goodbyes."-Rilo Kiley

A continuation of the Rebecca Saga...

So today was the last official day of classes, and what does Professor Decadence do? He puts us in groups to discuss poetry. [Which is usually on the top of my list of things I hate: group projects, and figuring out poetry ((especially any poetry from the 1800's))] And I am in a group with my friend Elayna, and one of the twins (I don't know which one. For a while I was working it out by the glasses, but then I forgot my code of which went to which) and after we finished breaking down the poem--which is getting easier in my old age--we basically talked about The Walking Dead and Rebecca actually looked me into the eyes and TALKED TO ME. I was so excited, but she was talking very softly about horror movies, which makes her even more endearing, and it turns out SHE ALSO HAS A TWIN. So the plot is thicker. How will I know in the future if I am running into her twin on campus and she does not talk/smile at me, and then I feel slighted all over again? And she even said they wear the same hounds-tooth coat, just in different lengths! The drama.

So then we all had to say goodbye to each other, which was really sad. This is exactly the best semester of my education in my whole life, and I really didn't want to leave any of my classes or say goodbye to Elayna. We both had the "Have a nice life, hopefully we run into each other," speech to say. And now to write 2 huge papers.

I am trying to figure out a very quiet place to write finals this weekend that don't have
-football
-dogs
-birds
-internet

Maybe I will rent a cabin.

some things I miss

I miss what it felt like to be 18 and wild. I miss the nights of staring out the windows and seeing a glittering Salt Lake City every night while I worked 7pm to 7am. I miss how honest mankind was with me then. I miss the old people I spent my hours with. I miss the year my stomach was full of butterflies and how I used to picture what marriage would be like. Echo de menos la inocencia. Music was brilliant. Money was endless.

But in reality, those days were really hard to live through, and the lessons I learned at the time were life-threatening.

The calm of today is full of hope. Every day, the picture gets clearer. My God has climbed the mountains in my name, and to save me from what is worse than the hard parts of this world.

"And when I wake up, well I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be the (one) who wakes up next to you."

Yesterday morning I woke up quick and threw on some really good looking professional clothes, and my high heeled ankle boots that are extremely sexy and uncomfortable and I drank my coffee, and what I said to myself on the way to work. "I am going to be the girl who is wearing these boots today. And I am tall, and I am going to command the room with my presence." And then after I realized that I was throwing things out to the universe, I prayed and gave it to God instead. And our presentation went really well. Even though my face got hod and red, I said my parts and I know my DM was impressed with my statistics, and the hand-out I put together and I felt confident about my job all day, even though I changed shoes at lunch time after he left. I spent my lunch hour buying 20 bottles of Vitaminwater because they were on sale.

Celisse and I got pho after work and watched the Jazz game with Shaunte and a hundred boys, and then stayed the night. I woke up to Zwingli snuggling into my neck, and then the three of us girls watched movies and drank Vitaminwater in bed until 4pm. A thing I learned is that I like The Nightmare before Christmas. My mom wouldn't let me watch it when I was younger, which is probably good. But I would have loved to watch it with a feeling of nostalgia, instead of seeing it for my first time. I am so so so thankful for days like these, and that not everything is permanently changed. That God gives me good things even though I don't deserve them.

I had to miss church though, due to a work Christmas party at a place that is basically like Chuck E. Cheese, and Tanya didn't show up so I just shot hoops and took a lot of pictures of myself in the photo-booth. And now I'm home early on a Saturday night overwhelmed by my upcoming finals but feeling pretty good about everything. I'm excited for Christmas. I'm excited for cold afternoons to drink tea and read novels that aren't for class.

And now, the tragic short story of Rebecca.

I have all my classes with this girl, (and by all I mean both.) and I always noticed that she dressed really nice, and reminded me vaguely of Celisse because she has long dark hair and wore the same clothes that Celisse does. I think there is probably proof somewhere that you are attracted to people who look like people you already like. But one day, she ended up in a group with me to discuss Against Nature and I told her I thought her heels were really cute, and asked her where she got them. (Which, apparently is tacky? according to In Style magazine, which is really depressing to me, because I love to know where people got their clothes, if they're cute.) But maybe she doesn't read In Style, because she told me. And the next few classes I had with her, she would come and sit right next to me, and I would smile and say "hi" and she would just nod at me. The whole time, I would be thinking, is she looking at my shoes? Crap, I always wear Vans. Or, is she laughing at the same jokes Professor M.P. is telling? I was enamored with her because I thought I would finally have a friend, and that she would force me to wear cuter clothes to impress her.
But one fateful day, (actually it might have been that same week) she followed me into the bathroom and pushed me up against the wall and told me she would kill me if I told anyone wear she got her shoes. Just kidding. She picked the stall next to me, (when there were 6 other stalls to choose from) and I definitely couldn't pee after that, so I washed my hands and left really quickly, and it's been weird ever since.

We ignored each other for a very long time after that. I made a different friend that I can chat with, and even the twins will turn around to talk to me. But Rebecca and I would just cordially smile at each other.
But today, she sat down next to me and I turned and smiled at her, and I wondered, if the weird bathroom thing had never happened, we might have been best friends. Maybe she watches all the TV shows I do. Maybe she would have asked me out for coffee.

But I guess I'll never know. And I'm forced to be fine with that. Unless she is going to be an English major for as many years as I will be, and then we may reconcile with the gift of amnesia that time gives to college students...

What I'm hungry for now is a corndog.

I love Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday along with New Year's Eve. Both are about partying with and being thankful for your family. Eating and eating. And making a treasure of your family.

I have no insurance until January, and consequently all of my medicines are out. My legit stomach medicine is now replaced with an over-the-counter that pales in the strength of Prevacid. So I am constantly hungry, whether I'm full or not. So today is a very perfect day for me.

I am so blessed, and God is so good. Now it is time to drink a beer and enjoy Netflix before working a ten hour shift with no lunch. One day I hope to get a job where I don't have to sell...stuff. But I am thankful for where I am right now, and looking forward to what's next.

i love snow.

Today the Bob Harmon helped me and Philip (Yes, grammatically in this instance it is "me and Philip")find croissant rolls (the kind that pop out of the tube). I didn't realize it was the famous Bob until he'd already helped us with the menial task. I thought I was doing him a favor, and giving him something to do. But then I realized he was dressed slightly fancy. But the same old beautiful girl with sparkly eyeshadow rung us up. She is always completely bored and unhappy. But she at least looks amazing while she's doing it.

Everyday I am so happy that it is cold winter, and that so many plants are dead. I don't know what I will do in April or May, but I'm trying not to dwell and let the thought ruin these days I've had without headaches. And I'm already getting nostalgic about this semester.

This is happy. This is what it looks like for me.

Christina and I booked it out of the bank ASAP, and I can't believe how underwhelmed I was on the way home. God is great, and I didn't even see any accidents. Just, after all the hype, I thought maybe there would even be no school tomorrow.

My mom made great stew ((which-- I packed some for lunch tomorrow. I'm doing better at this packing lunch thing. I am really trying to make a dent in my bad spending choices from the last month. And on another tangent inside of parentheses: I am getting very excited about saving. Not just the normal savings accounts I have in case of emergency car problems or health bills or saving for vacations, I started another savings for more long-term things, or bigger problems. It is kind of fun to watch it grow. ING Direct gives better interest than any other bank I've seen so far.)) and then all these boys were at our house who came out here to play a show (which was canceled due to weather). I think my brother was in Heaven for a few hours.

Caught up on The Walking Dead. I think about zombies so much that I almost said something out loud in class yesterday when a student was berating gun possession in America. "We'll see who's laughing when the zombies are coming for us..." Denying the existence of zombies is the hardest part of my reality, probably. Besides the time travel thing. But at least one of my professors watches as much TV as I do:
"What? You guys don't know what that show is? You don't watch very much TV. Oh...that's a good thing."
Prof. M.P.

After a night/day of being almost unsure of everything: (of thoughts to move back to Iowa, of thoughts of joining the military upon graduation, of thoughts...) I walked in the door and stripped off my gloves, and what do I find.

One simple gift.

One "something" that means the world to me all of the sudden.

Sitting there on my desk, I find that there is one person that cares enough to say "I love you" without words, in our strange language that we adhere to with commitment.

And it gives me a grip on reality, on tomorrow, and on staying in Utah for at least a little while.

It is exhausting to keep this up. But it must come with "a smile, or else I shall count it as a falsehood."

"If you have sex, you will get pregnant. And die."
-Gym teacher on Mean Girls

Yes I finally saw Mean Girls after 7 years. I got curious because of Tina Fey.

Some things I like:
the smell of men's deodorant. the time you realize your headache is starting to go away. waking up skinny. savings accounts. loyalty programs from big corporations. the moments on the bus when no one is talking. reading stacks of books. eating cake batter. running on the treadmill longer than I planned to. drawings of whales. and of course, Vitaminwater.

"But after all, how was I to guess that I was making mischief merely by chiming in, for the sake of the portrait I had undertaken, and of a very harmless psychological mania, with what was merely the fad, the little romantic affectation or eccentricity, of a scatterbrained and eccentric young woman? How in the world should I have dreamed that I was handling explosive substances?"
Oke of Okehurst, Vernon Lee

I'm trying to figure out how to rollover 401(k)s, I'm trying to figure out how I can go to school for the rest of my life. I'm trying to learn how to write better papers. I'm trying to learn to how to make my boss love me.
I'm writing more things down.

I put new pictures up on my wall and cleaned everything. I'm pretty happy to be here.
I'm going to try to make a goal of doing some kind of art project every week, and maybe post some things. I am happy about every day to be honest.

"I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know.
Didn't anybody tell you, this river's full of a lot of sharks."
The National

I am incandescently happy about the cold. At some moments when I am shivering, I am so grateful. It doesn't cause uncomfort like the summer heat. My headaches are once a week now, instead of every day, all day. I wear gloves and jackets and scarves, and when people come into the bank complaining, I just smile and nod and think about when I lived in Alaska. In the future.

In other news, I am buying too many pairs of glasses. This is becoming a problem. Along with how many times I swipe my plastic at Pho restaurants. It is adding up. Not too much, just enough to make me nervous.

-----------------

"John, you drank too much wine the other night. Not way too much, just enough to make me angry."
-Vintage 21 Jesus video parody

I finally got to the place in life where I don't look at all the old pictures and want to go back. There is only the future, and what I am capable of.

I will be able to find where the good goes.

I just need to spend one second to preserve the memory of my two professors this semester, because I am worried that my memory, in general, is slipping. In one year I won't remember anything I haven't written down.

My Modernism (and Decadence) professor is the one who sounds like Doug Fabrizio from Radio West. In his real life he loves TV almost as much as I do. He especially loves Jersey Shore, and today brought up The Walking Dead TV show that I watched last night with Noah. (I've been thinking about Zombies a lot lately since I watched the 70's Night of the Living Dead with the Edwards and their nieces. There is something about Zombie movies that I can really get into, but that's for a whole different day) Professor Decadence seems a little bit more innocent than my other professors. He gets shy about talking about the weird S-E-X stuff that shows up in English literature and I think that's admirable.

My Culture Theories professor is very tall and always five minutes late (which is a very good trait in a professor, I believe.) I am very excited for his class every week, and I pay attention as hard as if I were listening to a Whitney. I get very excited about sociology, and even more so about economics, and theories on capitalism. It's a fascinating class. The reading is denser than a rock, but always an adventure for the whole 80 minutes he lectures on it.

I will probably look back at this as the best semester of my college life. I am never in a hurry or tired or bored during class. And I finally figured out how to write a paper, after *mphhhhmm* years.

What a good life.

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to suggest that we all sit down and watch The Road on a Tuesday night. I've had a bad feeling in my gut for like, 3 hours. It was different when I read it, because you could set it down and have real life for a little bit, and pick up the rest when you're ready, but the movie is a slap in the face.

It is very convicting. Not as much in the what-would-you-do-post-apocalypse sort of way but mostly about how I live every day. I live extravagantly. Selfishly. I do not notice my excess or how wealthy I am to be able to eat a meal everyday and sleep under a roof.
And not worry about danger. I don't have to live in fear, and that is such a blessing.

I should have spent my time writing a paper on an ekphrasis. Now when am I going to do that.

I don't need to get steady, I know just how I feel

Everyday I watch the music video for the Black Keys' song "Tighten Up" and I roll ideas from one side of my head to the other about where these boys are everyday. I want to hang out with them. I haven't even listened to any more Black Keys songs yet, but I think I've found love. Which came at just the right time after being snubbed by the man I've been stalking for 2 years.
"She is tolerable I suppose; but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Oh if only you knew what you were missing out on, Mr. Darcy.

Work is hard. I try to remember that my time doesn't belong to me. I try to remember how much I hated Starbucks. And I try to get good at sales. Theraflu and I were just good friends, and now it is becoming a dreamy romance.
I have to turn it all off somehow.

"I had to stop her from screaming!"
-Christopher Lloyd on Clue

"All I want is an enchilada."
-Philip, looking into a fridge full of Chinese food

First of all, I don't understand why Say Anything is a "classic". John Cusack is really cute, but the screenplay was terrible. Shaunte and I kept looking at each other and saying, when is this going to get better? What is the big deal about this movie?

And I can't remember what I was going to say next. I got really sick and now I'm going to read Max Weber til I fall asleep again.

And the new job honeymoon is over. This is real life, but it is still way better than anything I was living through a few months ago.

Once, we buried a humidifier out in the sideyard next to the shed, so we wouldn't have to pay the $40 to get it properly and environmentally disposed of.

The sky doesn't turn the same beautiful colors here, because the air isn't clean, and there are mountains blocking half of the sunsets and sunrises.

I am playing too much Nintendo everywhere.

For a reason that I haven't yet put my finger on, none of us like to get into the hot tub with one another. We uncomfortably shuffle and say, "oh no, you can go first" and then find something to do until it is our turn.
I don't know why we want the privacy. It was a wonderful kind of hot tub night, and all of us wanted to get in at the same time, but not with each other.

In other news, I am really liking this W. E. B. Dubois character. He makes me wish I could be black. I am encouraged and challenged by his words even though I am white.

"Unless we conquer our present vices they will conquer us; we are diseased, we are developing criminal tendencies, and an alarmingly large percentage of our men and women are sexually impure." - Dubois, Conservation of Races
Which I view as a comment on the entire human race.

"And I think that I would miss you, even if we never met." - Dermot Mulroney on The Wedding Date

Sometimes, now that my schedule is a normal human being, I get to stay up really late and watch chick flicks, and I say to myself in between commercials, I could really do a thing, like to get married. I could probably do it. I could maybe do it. Okay, the only reason I think I can do it is because the men in the movies wear nice suits and are 32 years old. The characters have their degrees and their own apartments downtown. Movies are unrealistic because those men who are 32 and stand still, quietly in a room, in real life, they have a lot of baggage. Like a child, or at least an ex-wife, or they are just plain freaky like my Starbucks boyfriends that I began to believe were secretly weirdos. Because you just don't have that great of hair and not already have a wife.
I don't know. I have a lot of years to figure this thing out, and thankfully new romantic comedies come out every month.

In other words, I know I am very German, but thinking that if I had actually been born in Germany would be really hard for me. I am learning this, during Oktoberfest.
Because in my real life, I am a Mexican. I eat mostly only Mexican food, and a whole lot of other reasons. It seems like my brother is too.
Our parents wish they could know where this came from.

"Well it's okay to indulge now and then."
"Yes, but I usually indulge more now than then."
-Celisse

"I do NOT think it would go well if I got stoned and went to Japan alone."
-Nick, on hearing "Who says" by John Mayer (from Ashleigh, but I feel like I was there. :)

and Tanya-isms

"In that neighborhood everyone knows everyone. They know everything: they know you farted last night, and how many times."
-on her mother-in-law's neighborhood

"Yes their marriage already been rocks for years."
-remember to add Russian accent

"Derrick, I don't want to live in a pig style everyday."
-she says this one a lot, so it's starting to sound right to me

I found out today that my professor has the same fantasy of eating cake and drinking champage in the bath tub. Or at least something similar. He said something to the extent of, "We should be chasing the best moments all the time. Like drinking champagne from the hot tub." He said another food instead of cake.

Still.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend Doug Fabrizio is reading me Jane Austen stories while I fall asleep in a hundred pillows.
And at least when I wake up, my midterms are over and my nails are sparkly.

I want so badly to be here.

School makes time go by so quickly. It's wonderful. I finished a 6 page paper tonight that is probably mostly garbage. Probably I will get notes back like, "There is no analysis here, you are simply putting the quotes in your own words." or "This is not what Hegel means when he says The Idea or Spirit." But I didn't decide to be an English major to write really analytical papers. It's mostly because I wanted to get a degree for reading a lot of books, and enhancing my knowledge of what has gone on in the world in the last 2000 years.
And if I write better fiction in the future, that's a plus.

But about the time. I have spent the majority of the last week by myself, mostly, doing homework, which was really enjoyable. But I feel that now is the time I get to hang out with different friends besides Liz Lemon and Blair Waldorf.

It's fall break after I finish my theory midterm tomorrow. I think I'm going to indulge in some Thai food, and hopefully it will be cold outside, and I will play Nintendo on the bus.

Life is good.

"You're always coming to me with a problem. Just once I wish you'd greet me with a sparkler, and cotton candy, and tell me I have the number one album in America."
-Veronica (Portia De Rossi) on Better off Ted

I love fall. I love everything about it. Cool mornings. Pumpkins. Midterms. Bus rides. The sun going down earlier. Baking things in the oven rather than avoiding the oven at all costs. People starting to do things inside. Hoodies. Long showers. Warm drinks. People showing less skin. People wearing boots. The smell of books. Cookies. TV shows starting back up again. Routine. Schedule. Heavy blankets. Hot tub. Planning a vacation to escape the routine. Thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas without Retail. Friends. Family. Wine and cheese. Finding reasons to go to bed early. Gloves. Mail.

I can't wait for every day now.
My life is cured of Starbucks.

I'm surprised you can't remember me

I'm working this week at THE TOWER. I can't remember the real name of the building, but I can see the whole valley because we are working on the last floor before the top, and it is breathtaking. If I got to work on this floor for good...I would never leave Utah. You can see beyond the petty. You can see beyond the traffic. There isn't a view of any religious buildings, only architecture and trees, and glittering state street that fades gradually into the distance. It feels like it could be in the rest of America.

I love to rub shoulders with The Suits. Ride elevators with people who just nod. They don't try to make small talk and I love the silence. The food court is full of fancy people in perfect clothes; almost impossible to picture them in a backyard barbecue holding a beer and flipping burgers. I let my eyes flutter shut and try not to ask them who's fitted shirt they are wearing, or more importantly to me, who's scent they are wearing.

It might sound materialistic. It might sound outrageous. But I wake up every morning and I feel so pampered to become part of the people in the world who work
NINE
TO
FIVE.
Spoiled. Grateful.

And it makes me want to be a hot shot someday.

I keep thinking, in the back of my head, that I have something cooking on the stove. And that I still have a paper to do. And that I have to figure out my work schedule for the next 10 years. And then I remember that everything is fine.

My brain wants something to worry about, I think.

Today, campus was quiet, like everyone might be at home, sick. But everything still glittered in its way. I love riding the bus and not worrying about traffic. I love sitting on the edge of my seat in class, trying to understand about culture theory. Actually feeling, in the first time of my life, that I could raise my hand and say answers or ask questions.

Love Netflix. Love Pillsbury. Love quiet moments with God.

I am so happy for this Autumn.

bad romance

I had a dream about a man I thought I loved for a couple years. He showed up and told me that he finally wanted to know everything about me, and take me on dates, and that we were both in the right place in life to do this.

And you know what.

By the time I woke up, I realized that if he really showed up, that I wouldn't want him anymore. All the mystery would be gone, and he wouldn't be a genius anymore, for wanting me.

I'm sorry I love the chase, Chuck Bass.

I've been given a brand new life.
I wake up every day thinking, "This is too good to be true." I love my new job, I love school, I love my new diet, I love riding the bus.

My feet are barely touching the ground.

I visit Illinois while I sleep though. Sometimes it hurts so bad I want to die. But there are things in life that you have to keep working through.

Cancer. Headaches. Love lost. Poverty.
God is the only strength to keep going. Derek said tonight, "Is it your own power keeping you going? Is it how many Redbulls you drink? NO. It's God."

I have been given gifts. I have been given - most of all - Mercy.

I saw a girl on campus with a Rose tattoo on her arm that said, "Big Fat Delicious" and was basically just right for her. I thought, great for her for having self esteem when the whole world is telling you that you are not cute if you aren't skinny, but then I started to think, she has this tattooed on her for the rest of her life, and what if she loses weight down the road, to become a healthy weight. Even if that healthy is still 250lbs compared to whatever she was.

I typed in Big Fat Delicious on Google, and it was interesting what came up. A lady's blog about being anti to fat-haters, talking about how she'd never get a lap band or anything. I guess it's your right to eat whatever in America. And I do understand her perspective, from reading some of her posts. But I just feel so sad when people don't want to show self restraint enough to get healthy. The same for heavy smokers and drinkers.

In the end we pick our own poisons, I guess. Our organs will fail in 60 years no matter what preventions we try. It is a call to live life to the fullest right now while we've got it.

praying for pain, that you get back together.

It's a lot of wrong timing.

All of the days turn into days I don't remember living. The Army was working on this drug when I was in high school to help soldiers remember stuff on very little sleep. I wonder if they could hook me up.

I get sad every once in a while. And then I turn off the radio and I'm pretty fine. The aloneness is cherishable.

[x] go to a show all alone

I wasn't going to even go, but I had already paid $20 for the ticket. So I drove all the way with butterflies, found a parking spot easily, and walked in the door.
It was in between sets, luckily, and in five minutes, I was standing in front of Jenny Lewis and so happy. I found a girl to stand next to who didn't have friends with her either, and we exchanged enchanted looks, and held our arms the same way the whole time, which was more lovely than creepy.
They mostly played songs from their new album that I don't know yet, but they ended with The Next Messiah song, and did a cute encore.

It was a really happy time for me. The girl and I introduced ourselves to each other after it was all over, and I really wanted to her to be my friend in real life. But I got high off the feeling of a stranger wanting to meet me. People ignore me all day at school.

Just in general, I am very happy with things, and I'm going to soak up this moment til I fall asleep.

"I got a girl in the war, Paul, her eyes are like champagne. They sparkle, bubble over, and in the morning all you got is rain."
-Josh Ritter

One of these days I will quit drinking Theraflu to fall asleep. But the luxury of picking to fall asleep when you need to is just too tempting. And the candy flavor.
This is my last real week of Starbucks as my "job". I might sometime get normal sleep in the future.

I had a horrible dream last night that I woke up and it was my wedding day, and I didn't love the man I was marrying, and half the time I couldn't even remember his name. But he wanted me, and the wedding was paid for, so I felt like I had to go through with it. I put on the makeup and the dress, and I woke up, thankfully.

I think this comes from a fear of settling. And from my friends trying to marry me off.
But it might have been from watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night at Shannon's.
Could also be the cough medicine.

Bueno.

at this moment
I find myself in a similar situation to Darrell. We both commit all the hours of our days, so that we don't have to find ourselves alone. We work too hard, so we don't have to hear ourselves think.
He is getting thinner, and I am not getting thinner. But we will both wake up in a few months and say, where did the time go. And I am fine with that.

Slow progression in a right direction. I'm trying to kill the time and kill it dead.
I picture snow falling, and plastering almost fully real smiles on my face at all times. I picture finishing Spring semester only to hurry back to the farm, hurry to break my arms around the ones I love. I'm getting to be happy. Or as Brazilian Ana said to me once, "I'm getting love, Rachel."


"My life flashed before my eyes Liz, and I had one huge regret."
"What?"
"I should have worked more."
-a paraphrase of Jack on 30 Rock. All my life is 30 Rock episodes.

"Let's not forget ourselves dear friend: I am flawed if I'm not free."

Finally, as the days become colder. For the first time in a year and half, I feel like my head is fully above water. Like, maybe its even my turn to sit on the beach and just...bask. The changes in my life are good (and dang, it's been a while).

I've been working out for a solid 3 weeks, and my body feels stronger. I accepted a job offer. I colored my hair back to dark, and wore jeans for the first time yesterday. I'm taking a break from the band. I feel all sorts of weight lifted off of my shoulders.
I feel free.

You know what I did last night? I played South Park Pinball for like, an hour at NickleMania. And I don't think I feel bad about this. I've never played pinball before. And if you get the ball in the hole next to Kenny four times, he will fall over dead, and that's way cool.

Also ate Este for Justin's birthday. I had this morning off so I slept in. I'm saying farewell to free time forever so I am just not doing ANYTHING today.

My first week of college is great so far. I gave up on the bus ever coming though, so I took my car all the way downtown and then TRAXed up and ran into Ten, Ben, and Niels. And when I ran into Ben he said he had a class down in the anthropology building, and I said, "Oh I love that building, it's cute like an old old old elementary school!" And then I wondered how I knew that, and remembered that I had a thing for a while that I was trying to go to the bathroom in every department/building on campus. I have accomplished a lot of these bathrooms by now, I hope you know.

My first teacher of the day sounds like McDreamy if you close your eyes, and also has a big nose which I like. And two of the books for his class have naked ladies on them, so you know it'll be good. I read a poem called Don Juan in Hell and I like to say this to myself now and then because it slips off the tongue.

My second teacher spits a lot.

And then after that I found Emily on a grassy knoll, and we went and bought our books together. We are making a friendship that really works.

I then drove past Shannon's Starbucks and did a U-turn when I saw her car, and ended up hanging out with Scrib, Soper, and the D'Amicos all night by accident, which was really wonderful.

I guess I don't mind being a student forever.

I'm starting my 5th year of college tomorrow.
And no I'm not a grad student.

I'm going to recreate my own Salad Days, I'm too young for all of this to be over. Maybe you held my hand in the future. It's what I hope for, it's what I see in the pictures people will take of us--to come.And I know we'll learn a lot. We'll forget our older sins. We'll erase memories of other lovers and rivers and text messages. We'll get down on our hands and knees; we'll write checks to poor people, we'll stop eating all the marshmallows out of the boxes of Lucky Charms. We'll love so deeply that we'll actually look out for each other, when the other is not around. Won't gossip, won't belittle. This is a new thing I'm saying.

I think I realized at the Dave Matthews concert that I could commit to one person for the rest of my life. And I still felt it all the mornings of 5 a.m. afterward.

I miss you now, I guess like I should have missed you then

One thing I really love is the Cardio Cinema at Gold's. I love to watch a movie and walk for an hour by accident. You don't even notice the time go by. I left the cinema to lift weights in the girl's room, and I could still hear Transformers through the wall, and I wanted to tell the other girls, "When I was in there, it was a really nice time, and I miss it."

"Well, if all you wanted was a hug from a black person, maybe you should have just hosted The Price Is Right."
-Tracy Jordan/Morgan

"I LOVED being pregnant. Everything about it."
"Why? Did you feel special?"
-Shannon, then Ashlie

I woke up one morning, and after looking at the calendar, I realized I had been asleep for possibly 4 months, and that someone has changed my hair blond. Someone also left documents all over my desk, and put a lot of miles on my car.
This impostor, she bought several bottles of perfume on my credit card.
She left me notes on what she'd been doing the last few months.

And you know what, I have no memory of the years before this last one. The men are wiped away. The automobile accidents and the softer, fonder memories are gone. My heart is in one piece as if it hadn't been broken a few times, and for all I know, it never was broken.

I snapped out of it at the Hobby Lobby.
"These fake roses feel so realistic." Emma said.
"Yes, even the thorns are hurtful." Noah replied. I took a long sip of espresso, and I had to laugh.

"Your German-ness is....it makes coffee. That's too black."
-The minister in Sweetland which is a cute movie

"Well, they have to work in the morning, so they can't stay up late."
"Everyone has to work in the morning," I said.
"Not me." He said.
"Yeah me either," I admitted.
"I don't have to do a single thing." He told me. "No one will know if I do anything at all," he said.
I collapsed on the couch. "Yeah, me too," I admitted to him again. Didn't know if he could hear me or not, with the sound of automatic guns scrambling around his skull. And in that moment, I realized he was the only one I wanted to spend that moment with.
We turned on the DVD player.

"Lionsgate." He murmered. "That's who puts out all the horror movies!" He says.
"Seriously?" I ask him. And I think, "It is me who will be cherishing this moment in 10 years. And me who will still be laying here in this house, afraid to move on.