Its been one month and one day since Brian Reagan died. Everyday I go past the billboard on the freeway that says Beloved father, son and brother. But I didn't go past it yesterday because I stayed away from the freeway.
I always think that its interesting that he shares his name with the comedian, and until today, I was always thinking about when it would be a month since he died. It has probably been a hard month for his family.
I like to put months in front of months, because I think that whatever painful experience you've gone through, that more and more months equals healed over pieces of your heart. Pieces that the cuts and scrapes aren't so raw. So in Brian's one month of being somewhere else (Heaven or Hell, I guess God only knows a man's heart), I've been paid two times. The moon has gone away and come back. The days have gotten colder, but they've at least had more minutes of light extending them. It's even a new year.
I think in this last month, I realized that I needed to live a more drastic life because I've gotten comfortable, leaving (as Ben Dory would have said when we were six years old) butt marks on the benches at Amigo's. I think Ben might have gotten spanked for saying "butt" that time.
I realized this when I noticed I was saying the same thing to every customer, and that my job is so second nature that I feel like I've fallen asleep, and as I hand back the receipts to bank patrons that I can't even remember running the transaction.
I love my job. Lets get that straight. I love my job because my assistant manager is awesome. Anyways. I was saying a more drastic lifestyle.
This is 48 plus hours now of no secular music. Its hard and its easy. It gives me time to think and pray, but I just feel like some Regina Spektor or Damien Rice to shoot up my veins. It's good. It's been easier not to swear. It's been easier to just sit back and praise God.
Secondly besides my music fast, I've only spent $5 in the last three days which is hugely uncharacteristic of me. I'm on an actual budget because I do want to go to Spain.
And being poor and singing through the silence in my car has actually made me a happier person.