by boopsiedaisy on Etsy

with love, from Frankenstein
I'm reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley right now. It's slow moving, but kind of touching. I'm not done with it yet, so I don't know how it wraps up. But Frankenstein wants nothing to do with his creation, and the monster just wants his friendship so badly. The monster disappears to live in the mountains for a while, and just watches this poor family and wants to be their friend, but can't reveal himself because he's been beaten by villagers before.
It's kind of heart-wrenching.

I only got one day off this weekend, but it has been a really good one. I got to eat at Wild Grape with Celisse which was pretty fancy. It was a treat, because I haven't been eating out much at all these past couple weeks in order to catch up with the Christmas and Tuition, and plane tickets that I have put on my credit card. It is going to be a busy Spring, I can already tell.
Kelsea's band played last night, which was also amazing. They are my favorite band at the Rock church. :) It was really good to catch up with all of my good friends from Provo.

Back to the grind, tomorrow, but feeling fully refreshed.

Bob,
I say these things to you now from some distance, because I came to you on my knees. I came to you a broken woman, but you wormed your way out of my arms.
I was ready to become clean. I was willing to take back my opinions on spending all my years with just one man.
I was re-reading your love letters to me, and starting to feel something.
But you set me free.
You let me go, and somewhere down the road I'll be happy about it.
I'll move back into my selfish ways and move through rooms alone.
I asked you for this, and I know about too late. I'm feeling too late now.

I'll lock up the map back to the first moments you needed me.
These are the first moments I've needed you.
If our affections could only happen at the same time.

Goodbye. I'm yours sincerely.

"if there's anything you want, come on back 'cuz it's all still here. I'll be in the back room drinking my half of the beer."

I'mma tell you this straight. If there is anything I have learned in life from my various employments and more frustrating relationships, it's this: you are never going to get anywhere until you become a mind reader.

Here and there, in this world, you meet a few people who are very decent communicators. You meet a few people who are actually thinking the next couple steps ahead.

But for the most part, you better be anticipating and planning your counterpart's move before he does. These are the success stories.

And that the world is run by tired people.

"we go through all the same lines, and sell out to appease, but go to sleep in a bed of lies. I've made my own more than once or twice." Spoon

waking up strong in the morning, and walking in a straight line. lately I'm a desperate believer, but walking in a straight line.

Missed you Silverchair. Missed you a lot.

This is a photo of MY vitaminwater flavor. I have the sneaking suspicion that they are discontinuing it, and I'm getting kind of traumatized. I've been drinking one of these everyday since the beginning of May of last year.
I don't know how I'll move on. The new blue one is disgusting.

I'm kind of in a funk, is the truth. I didn't think it would happen to me this winter. Nobody close to me has died. I'm getting pretty decent sleep. I'm doing well in school.

I think it all comes back to my boss, and how she is making me feel as a person. It makes each day harder to get through.

I start to question God why He laid this job in my lap and made look like the right thing after I'd been praying about it for 4 or 5 weeks. But I guess going over Ruth in small group tonight reminded me that this hurdle happened for a reason, and maybe something good enough will come of it. Or maybe He is just telling me to stay out of sales for the rest of my life.

I'd rather end Wednesday on a happy note though. I was reading about Mae West today on my own time, and yes-she-was-a-hussy but she was funny. Here's a less sessuál(as Liz Lemon would say) quote.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. "
-Mae West

today I am a fraud.

I know a lot of other people are fraudulent, but today, I am a much bigger fraud than usual.

I'm pretending I know Spanish.
I'm pretending I don't feel like a failure at my job. It is hard to do this when my manager keeps telling me that I am a real failure.

I'm pretending I did not wake up on the wrong side of the poverty line.
I'm pretending I didn't just drink 32 oz. of Dr. Pepper at work, or that I do this on a regular basis to calm down, or to face my afternoons at the bank.

I'm fake-smiling. And I don't smell good. My hands have smelled like a sandwich all day, which, if you know me, this is a reason I usually avoid sandwiches. And you also know how important smell is to me.

And no Dr. Smith, I didn't finish reading Freud's article on the Uncanny.

FRAUD. FAKE. IMPOSTOR.

Okay, cool. Tomorrow is a new day and this season of life has an expiration date.

fragments

The weekend was beautiful and short lived. After I was done house-sitting for good, it actually felt good to come home this time. My dream, after house sitting while every one was gone to Grand Junction, was to get a little house by myself, and grow plants, and live alone for a few years. Basically, what my dad did in the 80's before he became a Christian.
But then I realized that when I am left by myself, I see shadows and reflections that aren't there. I get spooked. But living by oneself during the day...it sure is nice.

It is Spring time, here, now. And what I mean by that is driving with the windows down. I am not ready for it to get warm yet. I am lamenting the end of January, to an extent.

Everyone I know should go rent the movie Devil by M. Night. It's the one about the people in the elevator. I cried at the end. I like it when movies can make me seek God. It's not scary. Maybe a little bit, but it's mostly a thriller. I want to watch it again, already.

I also watched Mama Mia, this weekend, with my family, by accident, and Iron Man 2, on purpose, with my dad. I got to spend time with the Roberts, which was magical. I don't know anyone else I would rather spend time with, in the dark, in front a fire, smoking and listening to Nat King Cole and Billie Holiday. Well...maybe one day I will meet that person. And he will be tall, black, and handsome. And he will be wearing a three piece suit.

And you know what? I forgot all the words to the ABBA songs, which is really making me question all of my memory stored from before 2004.

"I'm sorry that you've been caught up in another Liz Lemon adventure."
"NO! I am the protagonist."
-Liz and Jack on 30 Rock

he thought i was in love with him, but during our embrace, i was looking over his shoulder at a computer screen and he has his head next to mine, and he digs his claws in until I scream.

He is, what Dr. Smith would call my Demon Lover.
Demon Lover being the guy/monster we know is bad, but are attracted to anyway. For no good reason. And he'll probably kill me.

His name is Magic. I don't have that much experience these last couple of years with cats. Margot stays outside. Celisse's cat Zwingli either loves you or hates you.

But this Magic cat is a creeper. One moment he is purring, and then the next he is mauling me. He screams at 1 a.m. at other cats in the carport til I think I'm going to shoot him with the revolver that helps me sleep at night. He is black, and I didn't used to be supersticious but my Horror class has got my heart beating in my throat at night. He is sudden.

In other news. There is a customer that I appreciate. I say this in leiu of customer appreciation week, which is next week. Come open up an account, we'll give you a donut and sanitizer spray that comes out of this plastic thing that looks like it should actually be a calculator.

The customer I appreciate, his name is Sergio. I am guessing he is in his mid-forties or close to fifty. I'm not very good at guessing age, but he looks older than my dad. Anyway. I can't understand half of what he says.
"When are you due?" he says to me a week ago.
"Oh....soon." I say. Always willing to play along with this sad imperception. (I swear, it was the shirt I was wearing. Or my burrito/beer baby)
"Like, 10 months?" He asks, aware of his mistake very quickly.
"Yes," I say. "10 months."
"How many kids do you have?" He asks.
"Four boys," I say, counting his hundreds carefully.
"Oh MY GOSH. Four boys, really?" He says, and then, "Bla bla bla," that I can't understand, through his thick accent. At least he tries to speak English. I barely let on to customers that I know Spanish, except accidentally when I nod at something they say in Spanish, and they catch me.

So now he always asks about my kids, and I feel like Philip, and his made-up children. And I don't mind lying to the clients. Sometimes they like it. Sometimes it's necessary, when the men ask you out, or track you down.

It was a beautiful Spring day, and after being stabbed repeatedly in a staff meeting, I think: "Only 59 more days. Fake it until I make it." Fake it 'til I make it.

I will conquer these present obstacles.
"Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.”
-Ambrose Bierce

Bad Dreams

One of the hardest parts these days is waking up after bad dreams. 4 or 5 nights a week I have a bad dream that makes me wake up regretting. Regretting things I never said to her, or sometime I wake up physically sobbing because I was back at the farm for a few hours while I slept only to have it ripped away when I wake up.

But I would rather wake up sad than not have visited them while I was asleep.
I fear the day that I won't be able to recall in the crystal clarity every object from that house. The wallpaper. Every field.

I don't want to move forward. I want to stay a child, and have no one grow older from this moment.

El ojo en la nuca.

"I want to show you how I love you, but there's nothing there." Spoon

My room is a mess, and my suitcase is still out, from house sitting. I'm just going to fill it back up.

I'm taking a horror movie English class that is focusing on gender. Reading the 700 page Mysteries of Udolpho. Already have my Spanish homework done. Everything is strangely in control. My sense of calm is probably because I've been on top of my Bible readings. My dad got me a Kindle for Christmas, which was an amazing, extravagant gift. But for the first time in my life, I'm reading the Bible everyday, and the Kindle is making it so easy. If I had known about this sooner, I would have sprung for one a long time ago.
Now I just have to work harder at Prayer. Prayer is a hard one for me, for some reason, because I know God already can read my mind, He knows what's going on. Also, because of predestination, I never think that my prayers are going to change things. But I know that prayer is good, and we're supposed to do it, so I'm working on it.

My goals for this semester:
-find a job that doesn't constantly make me feel like a failure (I am a very hard worker, this shouldn't be that hard! ha)
-get out of debt (so I have savings if I get fired. also, ha)
-pray out loud more
-pass Spanish with a B

I know I have other cool ideas that I will remember later.

Lastly...my dad sometimes will try to understand football, for my mom, which is pretty cute. But if I marry some dude who loves football, I just can't like it for him. I've tried to do like it way too many times by now.

"Everything has a solution, don't worry," Gloria told me, in her thick Colombian accent, an hour after we closed the doors. She spent an extra hour of her personal time, because I was on the phone with operations support to help me figure out a huge problem that I had created. I think how sweet she is when we are not talking Sales. I think how this job has stretched me like taffy. I almost break, but always get folded back in. I think back to my first year of college, when everything did not have a solution. I confess to her when I used to lock myself in my room and not leave my house for two or three days out of fear. The fear is unexplainable to someone without anxiety, but I am blessed enough to have those days behind me for now.

These days, all I see is how God is providing for me. How I have bread for each day. I know I need to be a better steward. But I do know, that if I was fired suddenly or lost my job for other reasons, that God will still provide. I do not have the same crippling fears I grew up with. I know God comes through because I've watched it. I see it everyday.

In my ways, I have survived several different armies.

I keep forgetting that I asked God to be an Eskimo, and that I wanted this cold winter. But I always remember how much easier the cold is for my head than the summer allergies and hot sleepless nights.

Sleep is so enjoyable in the cold. I never want to get out of bed.

Today was the first day of school, and I found out last night that one of my courses changed times, and is the exact same period as another class, so I have to choose between the two of them. I think this is probably a good thing. A God thing. This way, at least 2 days a week I can take the bus to save gas money. Also, I have a better chance of getting grant money for Fall semester, so that would be a better time to take 3 courses.

I immediately made friends with the girl in front of me in Spanish class, since I didn't get the class with Matt Nanes. She is as far behind as I am, so it should work out great.
I've finally learned how to be outgoing and have classmates I can rely on.

[x] go ice-skating at Gallivan

No. I don't actually have a list of things I need to get done, I just love checking things off anyway.

Went ice-skating with Kelsey G., Darrell, and Philip tonight. It was really good to get out and do something fun and wild even though it is freezing, and the valley is a fishbowl of pollution right now. Then we went to Denny's, and seeing Kelsey with short hair makes me want to cut all of mine off.

3 days left of Winter break, and my Spanish is still terrible.
2 days left of sleeping in.

A little thing called Victory.

So far, January is awesome. I'm getting toned by Jillian Michaels. Celisse is texting me every day to make sure that I'm reading the Bible and I really think I'm going to get through the One-Year this time. Probably because I started in the beginning of November. :)
I'm eating less crappy foods, and drinking less. I think that I haven't had a Vitaminwater in 4 or 5 days either. I haven't been on FB for weeks. I'm feeling mentally good.

My job might be really hard, but I hope for the future. I'm going to push through this semester and hopefully speak some Spanish by the end of it. I'm going back to Iowa in March. I'm looking forward to everything.

I love Joan Holloway. This is where my winter break has mostly been spent, besides the Edwards' house. But even when I was dogsitting Patty and Kiki, I was really hanging out with Don Draper.

come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes

I used to get so reflective for the new year. But I think as I get older, I'm not as much in anticipation of what it will bring, because the last two or three years have been basically the same. So, two thousand ten, you were a pretty good year after April. I got my life back together at the farm, I got out of Starbucks, and I got an A in a senior level English class which I'm really proud of. I went on a cruise to Mexico which just makes me want to travel more, especially on boats.

I feel like I am capable of everything at this point. Except time travel, which is a shame. I wish I had been born in 1940.

I don't know if it's because she's from the midwest but my grandma says these phrases or euphemisms that I have never heard before.

"They don't have a pot or a window to throw it out of." I don't know if it's a Lutheran thing, or a Midwest thing, or what.

Another thing I learned from watching Jerseylicious, is that people in Jersey are really good at similes. I haven't watched it for a few weeks, but when I do, I will try to take note for you. I feel like this is something I missed out on in Utah's Public High Schools. They don't teach you fun things to say, or how to get your hair big. The cheerleaders kept that one to themselves, but Tracy Dimarco sure filled me in.

"Well, it is a good movie. She might be really dumb, but she's dumb like a fox."
"I think the saying is crazy like a fox."
-my grandma, on Legally Blond and then my dad's quiet response to her

The holidays...

Work has been stressful, and I couldn't figure out why, because I didn't get a single e-mail from my boss all week about stuff I was doing wrong. Because she was on vacation. But then I realized maybe I was grumpy every day because I'd worked 6 days straight and I've been wearing uncomfortable cute shoes in effort to look more professional.

Celisse and I exchanged gifts on Thursday night and then Bryan made us go see Skyline, which was a fun experience and a terrible movie. I love the feeling of the apocalyptic movies though. There is something I crave about leaving your day-to-day circumstances of showing up to work, and then suddenly becoming a part of a group of people who are fighting or struggling in some way to survive. Maybe all of America loves this, and that's why they keep making those movies. But it also goes back to my thing of Freud and his discontents. I seriously want to go live in a commune, with little cabins and no air conditioning or furnaces. To have a community garden. The boys would go hunt or farm and the girls stay home and do laundry and get to read books and actually cook meals. I'd get to hang out with my awesome Christian brothers and sisters all day. Like the beginning of the United States of America. Maybe Heaven could be something like this.

this thing of being out of
school. My job wouldn't really give me more hours for the holidays. But they want me to spread the hours out over the week. So I work these baby shifts which are too short to do anything really important. So I end up watching too many episodes of my newest favorite TV series.

Without 19th century literature to tie me down, I end up going to bed wearing my bathing suit by accident. I enjoy standing in long lines. I enjoy making fake boyfriends so that I don't have to date any mechanics. I wake up in the night thinking about check holds, and Earl, and french toast, and Jillian Michaels. I do that thing of falling asleep on my drives home, in the dark. I choke down coffee. I leave my phone at work until the next day.

19 days. 11 hours. 37 minutes. 12 seconds.

when I was young, and moving fast, nothing slowed me down. slowed me down.
I'd been killing it on this Jillian Michaels gig all week, and then I started eating like a trucker, and ended up staying the night at the Edwards again, kind of accidentally. This time with Shaunte and Celisse in the basement and then I ate like a trucker all day, again. So there's that, I've got that.

The point was, that I am going to try to study Spanish for at least ten minutes a day, so I don't look like a white girl on the first day of class. I think ten minutes is a reasonable goal. And I'd like to read some books for pleasure.
A couple weeks ago, I said, Buenos Noches to this lady as she was walking out, because I considered it night-time. But then she corrected me without looking back, and said, "Buenas Tardes." And I've been afraid to speak Spanish to customers ever since. Even though it is slowly coming back to me. And today, this man who I like came in, and he is older and hispanic, with dark circles under his eyes, and always he is smiling at me. As he walked out, I said, "Buenas tardes," to him, and he turned fully around and gave me a really huge smile and patted me on the back because I was standing next to him at that point. "That's a really good job," he said to me, and then walked out. And it gave me some courage. And I took that courage and I locked it in a drawer to use on Monday.

"You have some of my Christmas tree in your hair."
-Celisse, after we were already eating at Pho Green Papaya

on Civilization and its Discontents
I think one of the biggest things I've been mulling on this semester is Freud. I never planned to read him in my life because I think he's a quack for not believing in God. But it's interesting how he talks about what a bummer society is to live in, and that Civilization might provide us a lot of protection (probably now more than ever as far as medicine is concerned) but it makes us unhappy. I like to picture myself moving out into the woods or moving to a farm in Minnesota and never thinking about Dolce and Gabanna or eating sushi or watching VH1. I watched Sweet Land again last night, but this time with my family, and by the end, my dad, mom and I were all choking up.
I don't want to live with regret that I didn't go back to let the Midwest be part of my growing older. I don't know if God can let me do this or not, as far as: I hope it is His plan and I'm afraid that it is not.

I know that there is work for me here, but I also know what calls to me is the amber waves of grain, my grandmother's kitchen, and the love that you just can't find in the mountains here.

Hell Week

Really not that bad. I've been working out, reading and reading, and I just picked up really good Thai food at a place that is walking distance from my house as a reward for hammering out a few pages this morning.

I'm writing a paper on Influence in Modernism, and another one about Freud. So I have been thinking a lot about what my influences are, and a lot about my guilt.

I want to use the Christmas break to dig deeper into the Bible and try not to spend so much time loving TV. The list of shows I'm hooked on just keeps growing, and it's not good because I've even been dreaming in TV episodes.

So here's a toast to health, this holiday season. Physical, mental, and spiritual.

"I don't mind waiting, if it takes a long, long time. I don't mind wasting the best years of our lives. I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our time. And I don't mind racing through our goodbyes."-Rilo Kiley

A continuation of the Rebecca Saga...

So today was the last official day of classes, and what does Professor Decadence do? He puts us in groups to discuss poetry. [Which is usually on the top of my list of things I hate: group projects, and figuring out poetry ((especially any poetry from the 1800's))] And I am in a group with my friend Elayna, and one of the twins (I don't know which one. For a while I was working it out by the glasses, but then I forgot my code of which went to which) and after we finished breaking down the poem--which is getting easier in my old age--we basically talked about The Walking Dead and Rebecca actually looked me into the eyes and TALKED TO ME. I was so excited, but she was talking very softly about horror movies, which makes her even more endearing, and it turns out SHE ALSO HAS A TWIN. So the plot is thicker. How will I know in the future if I am running into her twin on campus and she does not talk/smile at me, and then I feel slighted all over again? And she even said they wear the same hounds-tooth coat, just in different lengths! The drama.

So then we all had to say goodbye to each other, which was really sad. This is exactly the best semester of my education in my whole life, and I really didn't want to leave any of my classes or say goodbye to Elayna. We both had the "Have a nice life, hopefully we run into each other," speech to say. And now to write 2 huge papers.

I am trying to figure out a very quiet place to write finals this weekend that don't have
-football
-dogs
-birds
-internet

Maybe I will rent a cabin.

some things I miss

I miss what it felt like to be 18 and wild. I miss the nights of staring out the windows and seeing a glittering Salt Lake City every night while I worked 7pm to 7am. I miss how honest mankind was with me then. I miss the old people I spent my hours with. I miss the year my stomach was full of butterflies and how I used to picture what marriage would be like. Echo de menos la inocencia. Music was brilliant. Money was endless.

But in reality, those days were really hard to live through, and the lessons I learned at the time were life-threatening.

The calm of today is full of hope. Every day, the picture gets clearer. My God has climbed the mountains in my name, and to save me from what is worse than the hard parts of this world.

"And when I wake up, well I know I'm going to be. I'm going to be the (one) who wakes up next to you."

Yesterday morning I woke up quick and threw on some really good looking professional clothes, and my high heeled ankle boots that are extremely sexy and uncomfortable and I drank my coffee, and what I said to myself on the way to work. "I am going to be the girl who is wearing these boots today. And I am tall, and I am going to command the room with my presence." And then after I realized that I was throwing things out to the universe, I prayed and gave it to God instead. And our presentation went really well. Even though my face got hod and red, I said my parts and I know my DM was impressed with my statistics, and the hand-out I put together and I felt confident about my job all day, even though I changed shoes at lunch time after he left. I spent my lunch hour buying 20 bottles of Vitaminwater because they were on sale.

Celisse and I got pho after work and watched the Jazz game with Shaunte and a hundred boys, and then stayed the night. I woke up to Zwingli snuggling into my neck, and then the three of us girls watched movies and drank Vitaminwater in bed until 4pm. A thing I learned is that I like The Nightmare before Christmas. My mom wouldn't let me watch it when I was younger, which is probably good. But I would have loved to watch it with a feeling of nostalgia, instead of seeing it for my first time. I am so so so thankful for days like these, and that not everything is permanently changed. That God gives me good things even though I don't deserve them.

I had to miss church though, due to a work Christmas party at a place that is basically like Chuck E. Cheese, and Tanya didn't show up so I just shot hoops and took a lot of pictures of myself in the photo-booth. And now I'm home early on a Saturday night overwhelmed by my upcoming finals but feeling pretty good about everything. I'm excited for Christmas. I'm excited for cold afternoons to drink tea and read novels that aren't for class.

And now, the tragic short story of Rebecca.

I have all my classes with this girl, (and by all I mean both.) and I always noticed that she dressed really nice, and reminded me vaguely of Celisse because she has long dark hair and wore the same clothes that Celisse does. I think there is probably proof somewhere that you are attracted to people who look like people you already like. But one day, she ended up in a group with me to discuss Against Nature and I told her I thought her heels were really cute, and asked her where she got them. (Which, apparently is tacky? according to In Style magazine, which is really depressing to me, because I love to know where people got their clothes, if they're cute.) But maybe she doesn't read In Style, because she told me. And the next few classes I had with her, she would come and sit right next to me, and I would smile and say "hi" and she would just nod at me. The whole time, I would be thinking, is she looking at my shoes? Crap, I always wear Vans. Or, is she laughing at the same jokes Professor M.P. is telling? I was enamored with her because I thought I would finally have a friend, and that she would force me to wear cuter clothes to impress her.
But one fateful day, (actually it might have been that same week) she followed me into the bathroom and pushed me up against the wall and told me she would kill me if I told anyone wear she got her shoes. Just kidding. She picked the stall next to me, (when there were 6 other stalls to choose from) and I definitely couldn't pee after that, so I washed my hands and left really quickly, and it's been weird ever since.

We ignored each other for a very long time after that. I made a different friend that I can chat with, and even the twins will turn around to talk to me. But Rebecca and I would just cordially smile at each other.
But today, she sat down next to me and I turned and smiled at her, and I wondered, if the weird bathroom thing had never happened, we might have been best friends. Maybe she watches all the TV shows I do. Maybe she would have asked me out for coffee.

But I guess I'll never know. And I'm forced to be fine with that. Unless she is going to be an English major for as many years as I will be, and then we may reconcile with the gift of amnesia that time gives to college students...

What I'm hungry for now is a corndog.

I love Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday along with New Year's Eve. Both are about partying with and being thankful for your family. Eating and eating. And making a treasure of your family.

I have no insurance until January, and consequently all of my medicines are out. My legit stomach medicine is now replaced with an over-the-counter that pales in the strength of Prevacid. So I am constantly hungry, whether I'm full or not. So today is a very perfect day for me.

I am so blessed, and God is so good. Now it is time to drink a beer and enjoy Netflix before working a ten hour shift with no lunch. One day I hope to get a job where I don't have to sell...stuff. But I am thankful for where I am right now, and looking forward to what's next.

i love snow.

Today the Bob Harmon helped me and Philip (Yes, grammatically in this instance it is "me and Philip")find croissant rolls (the kind that pop out of the tube). I didn't realize it was the famous Bob until he'd already helped us with the menial task. I thought I was doing him a favor, and giving him something to do. But then I realized he was dressed slightly fancy. But the same old beautiful girl with sparkly eyeshadow rung us up. She is always completely bored and unhappy. But she at least looks amazing while she's doing it.

Everyday I am so happy that it is cold winter, and that so many plants are dead. I don't know what I will do in April or May, but I'm trying not to dwell and let the thought ruin these days I've had without headaches. And I'm already getting nostalgic about this semester.

This is happy. This is what it looks like for me.

Christina and I booked it out of the bank ASAP, and I can't believe how underwhelmed I was on the way home. God is great, and I didn't even see any accidents. Just, after all the hype, I thought maybe there would even be no school tomorrow.

My mom made great stew ((which-- I packed some for lunch tomorrow. I'm doing better at this packing lunch thing. I am really trying to make a dent in my bad spending choices from the last month. And on another tangent inside of parentheses: I am getting very excited about saving. Not just the normal savings accounts I have in case of emergency car problems or health bills or saving for vacations, I started another savings for more long-term things, or bigger problems. It is kind of fun to watch it grow. ING Direct gives better interest than any other bank I've seen so far.)) and then all these boys were at our house who came out here to play a show (which was canceled due to weather). I think my brother was in Heaven for a few hours.

Caught up on The Walking Dead. I think about zombies so much that I almost said something out loud in class yesterday when a student was berating gun possession in America. "We'll see who's laughing when the zombies are coming for us..." Denying the existence of zombies is the hardest part of my reality, probably. Besides the time travel thing. But at least one of my professors watches as much TV as I do:
"What? You guys don't know what that show is? You don't watch very much TV. Oh...that's a good thing."
Prof. M.P.

After a night/day of being almost unsure of everything: (of thoughts to move back to Iowa, of thoughts of joining the military upon graduation, of thoughts...) I walked in the door and stripped off my gloves, and what do I find.

One simple gift.

One "something" that means the world to me all of the sudden.

Sitting there on my desk, I find that there is one person that cares enough to say "I love you" without words, in our strange language that we adhere to with commitment.

And it gives me a grip on reality, on tomorrow, and on staying in Utah for at least a little while.

It is exhausting to keep this up. But it must come with "a smile, or else I shall count it as a falsehood."

"If you have sex, you will get pregnant. And die."
-Gym teacher on Mean Girls

Yes I finally saw Mean Girls after 7 years. I got curious because of Tina Fey.

Some things I like:
the smell of men's deodorant. the time you realize your headache is starting to go away. waking up skinny. savings accounts. loyalty programs from big corporations. the moments on the bus when no one is talking. reading stacks of books. eating cake batter. running on the treadmill longer than I planned to. drawings of whales. and of course, Vitaminwater.

"But after all, how was I to guess that I was making mischief merely by chiming in, for the sake of the portrait I had undertaken, and of a very harmless psychological mania, with what was merely the fad, the little romantic affectation or eccentricity, of a scatterbrained and eccentric young woman? How in the world should I have dreamed that I was handling explosive substances?"
Oke of Okehurst, Vernon Lee

I'm trying to figure out how to rollover 401(k)s, I'm trying to figure out how I can go to school for the rest of my life. I'm trying to learn how to write better papers. I'm trying to learn to how to make my boss love me.
I'm writing more things down.

I put new pictures up on my wall and cleaned everything. I'm pretty happy to be here.
I'm going to try to make a goal of doing some kind of art project every week, and maybe post some things. I am happy about every day to be honest.

"I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know.
Didn't anybody tell you, this river's full of a lot of sharks."
The National

I am incandescently happy about the cold. At some moments when I am shivering, I am so grateful. It doesn't cause uncomfort like the summer heat. My headaches are once a week now, instead of every day, all day. I wear gloves and jackets and scarves, and when people come into the bank complaining, I just smile and nod and think about when I lived in Alaska. In the future.

In other news, I am buying too many pairs of glasses. This is becoming a problem. Along with how many times I swipe my plastic at Pho restaurants. It is adding up. Not too much, just enough to make me nervous.

-----------------

"John, you drank too much wine the other night. Not way too much, just enough to make me angry."
-Vintage 21 Jesus video parody

I finally got to the place in life where I don't look at all the old pictures and want to go back. There is only the future, and what I am capable of.

I will be able to find where the good goes.

I just need to spend one second to preserve the memory of my two professors this semester, because I am worried that my memory, in general, is slipping. In one year I won't remember anything I haven't written down.

My Modernism (and Decadence) professor is the one who sounds like Doug Fabrizio from Radio West. In his real life he loves TV almost as much as I do. He especially loves Jersey Shore, and today brought up The Walking Dead TV show that I watched last night with Noah. (I've been thinking about Zombies a lot lately since I watched the 70's Night of the Living Dead with the Edwards and their nieces. There is something about Zombie movies that I can really get into, but that's for a whole different day) Professor Decadence seems a little bit more innocent than my other professors. He gets shy about talking about the weird S-E-X stuff that shows up in English literature and I think that's admirable.

My Culture Theories professor is very tall and always five minutes late (which is a very good trait in a professor, I believe.) I am very excited for his class every week, and I pay attention as hard as if I were listening to a Whitney. I get very excited about sociology, and even more so about economics, and theories on capitalism. It's a fascinating class. The reading is denser than a rock, but always an adventure for the whole 80 minutes he lectures on it.

I will probably look back at this as the best semester of my college life. I am never in a hurry or tired or bored during class. And I finally figured out how to write a paper, after *mphhhhmm* years.

What a good life.

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to suggest that we all sit down and watch The Road on a Tuesday night. I've had a bad feeling in my gut for like, 3 hours. It was different when I read it, because you could set it down and have real life for a little bit, and pick up the rest when you're ready, but the movie is a slap in the face.

It is very convicting. Not as much in the what-would-you-do-post-apocalypse sort of way but mostly about how I live every day. I live extravagantly. Selfishly. I do not notice my excess or how wealthy I am to be able to eat a meal everyday and sleep under a roof.
And not worry about danger. I don't have to live in fear, and that is such a blessing.

I should have spent my time writing a paper on an ekphrasis. Now when am I going to do that.

I don't need to get steady, I know just how I feel

Everyday I watch the music video for the Black Keys' song "Tighten Up" and I roll ideas from one side of my head to the other about where these boys are everyday. I want to hang out with them. I haven't even listened to any more Black Keys songs yet, but I think I've found love. Which came at just the right time after being snubbed by the man I've been stalking for 2 years.
"She is tolerable I suppose; but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Oh if only you knew what you were missing out on, Mr. Darcy.

Work is hard. I try to remember that my time doesn't belong to me. I try to remember how much I hated Starbucks. And I try to get good at sales. Theraflu and I were just good friends, and now it is becoming a dreamy romance.
I have to turn it all off somehow.

"I had to stop her from screaming!"
-Christopher Lloyd on Clue

"All I want is an enchilada."
-Philip, looking into a fridge full of Chinese food

First of all, I don't understand why Say Anything is a "classic". John Cusack is really cute, but the screenplay was terrible. Shaunte and I kept looking at each other and saying, when is this going to get better? What is the big deal about this movie?

And I can't remember what I was going to say next. I got really sick and now I'm going to read Max Weber til I fall asleep again.

And the new job honeymoon is over. This is real life, but it is still way better than anything I was living through a few months ago.

Once, we buried a humidifier out in the sideyard next to the shed, so we wouldn't have to pay the $40 to get it properly and environmentally disposed of.

The sky doesn't turn the same beautiful colors here, because the air isn't clean, and there are mountains blocking half of the sunsets and sunrises.

I am playing too much Nintendo everywhere.

For a reason that I haven't yet put my finger on, none of us like to get into the hot tub with one another. We uncomfortably shuffle and say, "oh no, you can go first" and then find something to do until it is our turn.
I don't know why we want the privacy. It was a wonderful kind of hot tub night, and all of us wanted to get in at the same time, but not with each other.

In other news, I am really liking this W. E. B. Dubois character. He makes me wish I could be black. I am encouraged and challenged by his words even though I am white.

"Unless we conquer our present vices they will conquer us; we are diseased, we are developing criminal tendencies, and an alarmingly large percentage of our men and women are sexually impure." - Dubois, Conservation of Races
Which I view as a comment on the entire human race.

"And I think that I would miss you, even if we never met." - Dermot Mulroney on The Wedding Date

Sometimes, now that my schedule is a normal human being, I get to stay up really late and watch chick flicks, and I say to myself in between commercials, I could really do a thing, like to get married. I could probably do it. I could maybe do it. Okay, the only reason I think I can do it is because the men in the movies wear nice suits and are 32 years old. The characters have their degrees and their own apartments downtown. Movies are unrealistic because those men who are 32 and stand still, quietly in a room, in real life, they have a lot of baggage. Like a child, or at least an ex-wife, or they are just plain freaky like my Starbucks boyfriends that I began to believe were secretly weirdos. Because you just don't have that great of hair and not already have a wife.
I don't know. I have a lot of years to figure this thing out, and thankfully new romantic comedies come out every month.

In other words, I know I am very German, but thinking that if I had actually been born in Germany would be really hard for me. I am learning this, during Oktoberfest.
Because in my real life, I am a Mexican. I eat mostly only Mexican food, and a whole lot of other reasons. It seems like my brother is too.
Our parents wish they could know where this came from.

"Well it's okay to indulge now and then."
"Yes, but I usually indulge more now than then."
-Celisse

"I do NOT think it would go well if I got stoned and went to Japan alone."
-Nick, on hearing "Who says" by John Mayer (from Ashleigh, but I feel like I was there. :)

and Tanya-isms

"In that neighborhood everyone knows everyone. They know everything: they know you farted last night, and how many times."
-on her mother-in-law's neighborhood

"Yes their marriage already been rocks for years."
-remember to add Russian accent

"Derrick, I don't want to live in a pig style everyday."
-she says this one a lot, so it's starting to sound right to me

I found out today that my professor has the same fantasy of eating cake and drinking champage in the bath tub. Or at least something similar. He said something to the extent of, "We should be chasing the best moments all the time. Like drinking champagne from the hot tub." He said another food instead of cake.

Still.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend Doug Fabrizio is reading me Jane Austen stories while I fall asleep in a hundred pillows.
And at least when I wake up, my midterms are over and my nails are sparkly.

I want so badly to be here.

School makes time go by so quickly. It's wonderful. I finished a 6 page paper tonight that is probably mostly garbage. Probably I will get notes back like, "There is no analysis here, you are simply putting the quotes in your own words." or "This is not what Hegel means when he says The Idea or Spirit." But I didn't decide to be an English major to write really analytical papers. It's mostly because I wanted to get a degree for reading a lot of books, and enhancing my knowledge of what has gone on in the world in the last 2000 years.
And if I write better fiction in the future, that's a plus.

But about the time. I have spent the majority of the last week by myself, mostly, doing homework, which was really enjoyable. But I feel that now is the time I get to hang out with different friends besides Liz Lemon and Blair Waldorf.

It's fall break after I finish my theory midterm tomorrow. I think I'm going to indulge in some Thai food, and hopefully it will be cold outside, and I will play Nintendo on the bus.

Life is good.

"You're always coming to me with a problem. Just once I wish you'd greet me with a sparkler, and cotton candy, and tell me I have the number one album in America."
-Veronica (Portia De Rossi) on Better off Ted

I love fall. I love everything about it. Cool mornings. Pumpkins. Midterms. Bus rides. The sun going down earlier. Baking things in the oven rather than avoiding the oven at all costs. People starting to do things inside. Hoodies. Long showers. Warm drinks. People showing less skin. People wearing boots. The smell of books. Cookies. TV shows starting back up again. Routine. Schedule. Heavy blankets. Hot tub. Planning a vacation to escape the routine. Thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas without Retail. Friends. Family. Wine and cheese. Finding reasons to go to bed early. Gloves. Mail.

I can't wait for every day now.
My life is cured of Starbucks.

I'm surprised you can't remember me

I'm working this week at THE TOWER. I can't remember the real name of the building, but I can see the whole valley because we are working on the last floor before the top, and it is breathtaking. If I got to work on this floor for good...I would never leave Utah. You can see beyond the petty. You can see beyond the traffic. There isn't a view of any religious buildings, only architecture and trees, and glittering state street that fades gradually into the distance. It feels like it could be in the rest of America.

I love to rub shoulders with The Suits. Ride elevators with people who just nod. They don't try to make small talk and I love the silence. The food court is full of fancy people in perfect clothes; almost impossible to picture them in a backyard barbecue holding a beer and flipping burgers. I let my eyes flutter shut and try not to ask them who's fitted shirt they are wearing, or more importantly to me, who's scent they are wearing.

It might sound materialistic. It might sound outrageous. But I wake up every morning and I feel so pampered to become part of the people in the world who work
NINE
TO
FIVE.
Spoiled. Grateful.

And it makes me want to be a hot shot someday.

I keep thinking, in the back of my head, that I have something cooking on the stove. And that I still have a paper to do. And that I have to figure out my work schedule for the next 10 years. And then I remember that everything is fine.

My brain wants something to worry about, I think.

Today, campus was quiet, like everyone might be at home, sick. But everything still glittered in its way. I love riding the bus and not worrying about traffic. I love sitting on the edge of my seat in class, trying to understand about culture theory. Actually feeling, in the first time of my life, that I could raise my hand and say answers or ask questions.

Love Netflix. Love Pillsbury. Love quiet moments with God.

I am so happy for this Autumn.

bad romance

I had a dream about a man I thought I loved for a couple years. He showed up and told me that he finally wanted to know everything about me, and take me on dates, and that we were both in the right place in life to do this.

And you know what.

By the time I woke up, I realized that if he really showed up, that I wouldn't want him anymore. All the mystery would be gone, and he wouldn't be a genius anymore, for wanting me.

I'm sorry I love the chase, Chuck Bass.

I've been given a brand new life.
I wake up every day thinking, "This is too good to be true." I love my new job, I love school, I love my new diet, I love riding the bus.

My feet are barely touching the ground.

I visit Illinois while I sleep though. Sometimes it hurts so bad I want to die. But there are things in life that you have to keep working through.

Cancer. Headaches. Love lost. Poverty.
God is the only strength to keep going. Derek said tonight, "Is it your own power keeping you going? Is it how many Redbulls you drink? NO. It's God."

I have been given gifts. I have been given - most of all - Mercy.