"I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know.
Didn't anybody tell you, this river's full of a lot of sharks."
The National

I am incandescently happy about the cold. At some moments when I am shivering, I am so grateful. It doesn't cause uncomfort like the summer heat. My headaches are once a week now, instead of every day, all day. I wear gloves and jackets and scarves, and when people come into the bank complaining, I just smile and nod and think about when I lived in Alaska. In the future.

In other news, I am buying too many pairs of glasses. This is becoming a problem. Along with how many times I swipe my plastic at Pho restaurants. It is adding up. Not too much, just enough to make me nervous.

-----------------

"John, you drank too much wine the other night. Not way too much, just enough to make me angry."
-Vintage 21 Jesus video parody

I finally got to the place in life where I don't look at all the old pictures and want to go back. There is only the future, and what I am capable of.

I will be able to find where the good goes.

I just need to spend one second to preserve the memory of my two professors this semester, because I am worried that my memory, in general, is slipping. In one year I won't remember anything I haven't written down.

My Modernism (and Decadence) professor is the one who sounds like Doug Fabrizio from Radio West. In his real life he loves TV almost as much as I do. He especially loves Jersey Shore, and today brought up The Walking Dead TV show that I watched last night with Noah. (I've been thinking about Zombies a lot lately since I watched the 70's Night of the Living Dead with the Edwards and their nieces. There is something about Zombie movies that I can really get into, but that's for a whole different day) Professor Decadence seems a little bit more innocent than my other professors. He gets shy about talking about the weird S-E-X stuff that shows up in English literature and I think that's admirable.

My Culture Theories professor is very tall and always five minutes late (which is a very good trait in a professor, I believe.) I am very excited for his class every week, and I pay attention as hard as if I were listening to a Whitney. I get very excited about sociology, and even more so about economics, and theories on capitalism. It's a fascinating class. The reading is denser than a rock, but always an adventure for the whole 80 minutes he lectures on it.

I will probably look back at this as the best semester of my college life. I am never in a hurry or tired or bored during class. And I finally figured out how to write a paper, after *mphhhhmm* years.

What a good life.

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to suggest that we all sit down and watch The Road on a Tuesday night. I've had a bad feeling in my gut for like, 3 hours. It was different when I read it, because you could set it down and have real life for a little bit, and pick up the rest when you're ready, but the movie is a slap in the face.

It is very convicting. Not as much in the what-would-you-do-post-apocalypse sort of way but mostly about how I live every day. I live extravagantly. Selfishly. I do not notice my excess or how wealthy I am to be able to eat a meal everyday and sleep under a roof.
And not worry about danger. I don't have to live in fear, and that is such a blessing.

I should have spent my time writing a paper on an ekphrasis. Now when am I going to do that.

I don't need to get steady, I know just how I feel

Everyday I watch the music video for the Black Keys' song "Tighten Up" and I roll ideas from one side of my head to the other about where these boys are everyday. I want to hang out with them. I haven't even listened to any more Black Keys songs yet, but I think I've found love. Which came at just the right time after being snubbed by the man I've been stalking for 2 years.
"She is tolerable I suppose; but not handsome enough to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Oh if only you knew what you were missing out on, Mr. Darcy.

Work is hard. I try to remember that my time doesn't belong to me. I try to remember how much I hated Starbucks. And I try to get good at sales. Theraflu and I were just good friends, and now it is becoming a dreamy romance.
I have to turn it all off somehow.

"I had to stop her from screaming!"
-Christopher Lloyd on Clue

"All I want is an enchilada."
-Philip, looking into a fridge full of Chinese food

First of all, I don't understand why Say Anything is a "classic". John Cusack is really cute, but the screenplay was terrible. Shaunte and I kept looking at each other and saying, when is this going to get better? What is the big deal about this movie?

And I can't remember what I was going to say next. I got really sick and now I'm going to read Max Weber til I fall asleep again.

And the new job honeymoon is over. This is real life, but it is still way better than anything I was living through a few months ago.

Once, we buried a humidifier out in the sideyard next to the shed, so we wouldn't have to pay the $40 to get it properly and environmentally disposed of.

The sky doesn't turn the same beautiful colors here, because the air isn't clean, and there are mountains blocking half of the sunsets and sunrises.

I am playing too much Nintendo everywhere.

For a reason that I haven't yet put my finger on, none of us like to get into the hot tub with one another. We uncomfortably shuffle and say, "oh no, you can go first" and then find something to do until it is our turn.
I don't know why we want the privacy. It was a wonderful kind of hot tub night, and all of us wanted to get in at the same time, but not with each other.

In other news, I am really liking this W. E. B. Dubois character. He makes me wish I could be black. I am encouraged and challenged by his words even though I am white.

"Unless we conquer our present vices they will conquer us; we are diseased, we are developing criminal tendencies, and an alarmingly large percentage of our men and women are sexually impure." - Dubois, Conservation of Races
Which I view as a comment on the entire human race.

"And I think that I would miss you, even if we never met." - Dermot Mulroney on The Wedding Date

Sometimes, now that my schedule is a normal human being, I get to stay up really late and watch chick flicks, and I say to myself in between commercials, I could really do a thing, like to get married. I could probably do it. I could maybe do it. Okay, the only reason I think I can do it is because the men in the movies wear nice suits and are 32 years old. The characters have their degrees and their own apartments downtown. Movies are unrealistic because those men who are 32 and stand still, quietly in a room, in real life, they have a lot of baggage. Like a child, or at least an ex-wife, or they are just plain freaky like my Starbucks boyfriends that I began to believe were secretly weirdos. Because you just don't have that great of hair and not already have a wife.
I don't know. I have a lot of years to figure this thing out, and thankfully new romantic comedies come out every month.

In other words, I know I am very German, but thinking that if I had actually been born in Germany would be really hard for me. I am learning this, during Oktoberfest.
Because in my real life, I am a Mexican. I eat mostly only Mexican food, and a whole lot of other reasons. It seems like my brother is too.
Our parents wish they could know where this came from.

"Well it's okay to indulge now and then."
"Yes, but I usually indulge more now than then."
-Celisse

"I do NOT think it would go well if I got stoned and went to Japan alone."
-Nick, on hearing "Who says" by John Mayer (from Ashleigh, but I feel like I was there. :)

and Tanya-isms

"In that neighborhood everyone knows everyone. They know everything: they know you farted last night, and how many times."
-on her mother-in-law's neighborhood

"Yes their marriage already been rocks for years."
-remember to add Russian accent

"Derrick, I don't want to live in a pig style everyday."
-she says this one a lot, so it's starting to sound right to me

I found out today that my professor has the same fantasy of eating cake and drinking champage in the bath tub. Or at least something similar. He said something to the extent of, "We should be chasing the best moments all the time. Like drinking champagne from the hot tub." He said another food instead of cake.

Still.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend Doug Fabrizio is reading me Jane Austen stories while I fall asleep in a hundred pillows.
And at least when I wake up, my midterms are over and my nails are sparkly.

I want so badly to be here.

School makes time go by so quickly. It's wonderful. I finished a 6 page paper tonight that is probably mostly garbage. Probably I will get notes back like, "There is no analysis here, you are simply putting the quotes in your own words." or "This is not what Hegel means when he says The Idea or Spirit." But I didn't decide to be an English major to write really analytical papers. It's mostly because I wanted to get a degree for reading a lot of books, and enhancing my knowledge of what has gone on in the world in the last 2000 years.
And if I write better fiction in the future, that's a plus.

But about the time. I have spent the majority of the last week by myself, mostly, doing homework, which was really enjoyable. But I feel that now is the time I get to hang out with different friends besides Liz Lemon and Blair Waldorf.

It's fall break after I finish my theory midterm tomorrow. I think I'm going to indulge in some Thai food, and hopefully it will be cold outside, and I will play Nintendo on the bus.

Life is good.

"You're always coming to me with a problem. Just once I wish you'd greet me with a sparkler, and cotton candy, and tell me I have the number one album in America."
-Veronica (Portia De Rossi) on Better off Ted

I love fall. I love everything about it. Cool mornings. Pumpkins. Midterms. Bus rides. The sun going down earlier. Baking things in the oven rather than avoiding the oven at all costs. People starting to do things inside. Hoodies. Long showers. Warm drinks. People showing less skin. People wearing boots. The smell of books. Cookies. TV shows starting back up again. Routine. Schedule. Heavy blankets. Hot tub. Planning a vacation to escape the routine. Thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas without Retail. Friends. Family. Wine and cheese. Finding reasons to go to bed early. Gloves. Mail.

I can't wait for every day now.
My life is cured of Starbucks.

I'm surprised you can't remember me

I'm working this week at THE TOWER. I can't remember the real name of the building, but I can see the whole valley because we are working on the last floor before the top, and it is breathtaking. If I got to work on this floor for good...I would never leave Utah. You can see beyond the petty. You can see beyond the traffic. There isn't a view of any religious buildings, only architecture and trees, and glittering state street that fades gradually into the distance. It feels like it could be in the rest of America.

I love to rub shoulders with The Suits. Ride elevators with people who just nod. They don't try to make small talk and I love the silence. The food court is full of fancy people in perfect clothes; almost impossible to picture them in a backyard barbecue holding a beer and flipping burgers. I let my eyes flutter shut and try not to ask them who's fitted shirt they are wearing, or more importantly to me, who's scent they are wearing.

It might sound materialistic. It might sound outrageous. But I wake up every morning and I feel so pampered to become part of the people in the world who work
NINE
TO
FIVE.
Spoiled. Grateful.

And it makes me want to be a hot shot someday.

I keep thinking, in the back of my head, that I have something cooking on the stove. And that I still have a paper to do. And that I have to figure out my work schedule for the next 10 years. And then I remember that everything is fine.

My brain wants something to worry about, I think.

Today, campus was quiet, like everyone might be at home, sick. But everything still glittered in its way. I love riding the bus and not worrying about traffic. I love sitting on the edge of my seat in class, trying to understand about culture theory. Actually feeling, in the first time of my life, that I could raise my hand and say answers or ask questions.

Love Netflix. Love Pillsbury. Love quiet moments with God.

I am so happy for this Autumn.

bad romance

I had a dream about a man I thought I loved for a couple years. He showed up and told me that he finally wanted to know everything about me, and take me on dates, and that we were both in the right place in life to do this.

And you know what.

By the time I woke up, I realized that if he really showed up, that I wouldn't want him anymore. All the mystery would be gone, and he wouldn't be a genius anymore, for wanting me.

I'm sorry I love the chase, Chuck Bass.

I've been given a brand new life.
I wake up every day thinking, "This is too good to be true." I love my new job, I love school, I love my new diet, I love riding the bus.

My feet are barely touching the ground.

I visit Illinois while I sleep though. Sometimes it hurts so bad I want to die. But there are things in life that you have to keep working through.

Cancer. Headaches. Love lost. Poverty.
God is the only strength to keep going. Derek said tonight, "Is it your own power keeping you going? Is it how many Redbulls you drink? NO. It's God."

I have been given gifts. I have been given - most of all - Mercy.

I saw a girl on campus with a Rose tattoo on her arm that said, "Big Fat Delicious" and was basically just right for her. I thought, great for her for having self esteem when the whole world is telling you that you are not cute if you aren't skinny, but then I started to think, she has this tattooed on her for the rest of her life, and what if she loses weight down the road, to become a healthy weight. Even if that healthy is still 250lbs compared to whatever she was.

I typed in Big Fat Delicious on Google, and it was interesting what came up. A lady's blog about being anti to fat-haters, talking about how she'd never get a lap band or anything. I guess it's your right to eat whatever in America. And I do understand her perspective, from reading some of her posts. But I just feel so sad when people don't want to show self restraint enough to get healthy. The same for heavy smokers and drinkers.

In the end we pick our own poisons, I guess. Our organs will fail in 60 years no matter what preventions we try. It is a call to live life to the fullest right now while we've got it.

praying for pain, that you get back together.

It's a lot of wrong timing.

All of the days turn into days I don't remember living. The Army was working on this drug when I was in high school to help soldiers remember stuff on very little sleep. I wonder if they could hook me up.

I get sad every once in a while. And then I turn off the radio and I'm pretty fine. The aloneness is cherishable.

[x] go to a show all alone

I wasn't going to even go, but I had already paid $20 for the ticket. So I drove all the way with butterflies, found a parking spot easily, and walked in the door.
It was in between sets, luckily, and in five minutes, I was standing in front of Jenny Lewis and so happy. I found a girl to stand next to who didn't have friends with her either, and we exchanged enchanted looks, and held our arms the same way the whole time, which was more lovely than creepy.
They mostly played songs from their new album that I don't know yet, but they ended with The Next Messiah song, and did a cute encore.

It was a really happy time for me. The girl and I introduced ourselves to each other after it was all over, and I really wanted to her to be my friend in real life. But I got high off the feeling of a stranger wanting to meet me. People ignore me all day at school.

Just in general, I am very happy with things, and I'm going to soak up this moment til I fall asleep.

"I got a girl in the war, Paul, her eyes are like champagne. They sparkle, bubble over, and in the morning all you got is rain."
-Josh Ritter

One of these days I will quit drinking Theraflu to fall asleep. But the luxury of picking to fall asleep when you need to is just too tempting. And the candy flavor.
This is my last real week of Starbucks as my "job". I might sometime get normal sleep in the future.

I had a horrible dream last night that I woke up and it was my wedding day, and I didn't love the man I was marrying, and half the time I couldn't even remember his name. But he wanted me, and the wedding was paid for, so I felt like I had to go through with it. I put on the makeup and the dress, and I woke up, thankfully.

I think this comes from a fear of settling. And from my friends trying to marry me off.
But it might have been from watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night at Shannon's.
Could also be the cough medicine.

Bueno.

at this moment
I find myself in a similar situation to Darrell. We both commit all the hours of our days, so that we don't have to find ourselves alone. We work too hard, so we don't have to hear ourselves think.
He is getting thinner, and I am not getting thinner. But we will both wake up in a few months and say, where did the time go. And I am fine with that.

Slow progression in a right direction. I'm trying to kill the time and kill it dead.
I picture snow falling, and plastering almost fully real smiles on my face at all times. I picture finishing Spring semester only to hurry back to the farm, hurry to break my arms around the ones I love. I'm getting to be happy. Or as Brazilian Ana said to me once, "I'm getting love, Rachel."


"My life flashed before my eyes Liz, and I had one huge regret."
"What?"
"I should have worked more."
-a paraphrase of Jack on 30 Rock. All my life is 30 Rock episodes.

"Let's not forget ourselves dear friend: I am flawed if I'm not free."

Finally, as the days become colder. For the first time in a year and half, I feel like my head is fully above water. Like, maybe its even my turn to sit on the beach and just...bask. The changes in my life are good (and dang, it's been a while).

I've been working out for a solid 3 weeks, and my body feels stronger. I accepted a job offer. I colored my hair back to dark, and wore jeans for the first time yesterday. I'm taking a break from the band. I feel all sorts of weight lifted off of my shoulders.
I feel free.

You know what I did last night? I played South Park Pinball for like, an hour at NickleMania. And I don't think I feel bad about this. I've never played pinball before. And if you get the ball in the hole next to Kenny four times, he will fall over dead, and that's way cool.

Also ate Este for Justin's birthday. I had this morning off so I slept in. I'm saying farewell to free time forever so I am just not doing ANYTHING today.

My first week of college is great so far. I gave up on the bus ever coming though, so I took my car all the way downtown and then TRAXed up and ran into Ten, Ben, and Niels. And when I ran into Ben he said he had a class down in the anthropology building, and I said, "Oh I love that building, it's cute like an old old old elementary school!" And then I wondered how I knew that, and remembered that I had a thing for a while that I was trying to go to the bathroom in every department/building on campus. I have accomplished a lot of these bathrooms by now, I hope you know.

My first teacher of the day sounds like McDreamy if you close your eyes, and also has a big nose which I like. And two of the books for his class have naked ladies on them, so you know it'll be good. I read a poem called Don Juan in Hell and I like to say this to myself now and then because it slips off the tongue.

My second teacher spits a lot.

And then after that I found Emily on a grassy knoll, and we went and bought our books together. We are making a friendship that really works.

I then drove past Shannon's Starbucks and did a U-turn when I saw her car, and ended up hanging out with Scrib, Soper, and the D'Amicos all night by accident, which was really wonderful.

I guess I don't mind being a student forever.

I'm starting my 5th year of college tomorrow.
And no I'm not a grad student.

I'm going to recreate my own Salad Days, I'm too young for all of this to be over. Maybe you held my hand in the future. It's what I hope for, it's what I see in the pictures people will take of us--to come.And I know we'll learn a lot. We'll forget our older sins. We'll erase memories of other lovers and rivers and text messages. We'll get down on our hands and knees; we'll write checks to poor people, we'll stop eating all the marshmallows out of the boxes of Lucky Charms. We'll love so deeply that we'll actually look out for each other, when the other is not around. Won't gossip, won't belittle. This is a new thing I'm saying.

I think I realized at the Dave Matthews concert that I could commit to one person for the rest of my life. And I still felt it all the mornings of 5 a.m. afterward.

I miss you now, I guess like I should have missed you then

One thing I really love is the Cardio Cinema at Gold's. I love to watch a movie and walk for an hour by accident. You don't even notice the time go by. I left the cinema to lift weights in the girl's room, and I could still hear Transformers through the wall, and I wanted to tell the other girls, "When I was in there, it was a really nice time, and I miss it."

"Well, if all you wanted was a hug from a black person, maybe you should have just hosted The Price Is Right."
-Tracy Jordan/Morgan

"I LOVED being pregnant. Everything about it."
"Why? Did you feel special?"
-Shannon, then Ashlie

I woke up one morning, and after looking at the calendar, I realized I had been asleep for possibly 4 months, and that someone has changed my hair blond. Someone also left documents all over my desk, and put a lot of miles on my car.
This impostor, she bought several bottles of perfume on my credit card.
She left me notes on what she'd been doing the last few months.

And you know what, I have no memory of the years before this last one. The men are wiped away. The automobile accidents and the softer, fonder memories are gone. My heart is in one piece as if it hadn't been broken a few times, and for all I know, it never was broken.

I snapped out of it at the Hobby Lobby.
"These fake roses feel so realistic." Emma said.
"Yes, even the thorns are hurtful." Noah replied. I took a long sip of espresso, and I had to laugh.

"Your German-ness is....it makes coffee. That's too black."
-The minister in Sweetland which is a cute movie

"Well, they have to work in the morning, so they can't stay up late."
"Everyone has to work in the morning," I said.
"Not me." He said.
"Yeah me either," I admitted.
"I don't have to do a single thing." He told me. "No one will know if I do anything at all," he said.
I collapsed on the couch. "Yeah, me too," I admitted to him again. Didn't know if he could hear me or not, with the sound of automatic guns scrambling around his skull. And in that moment, I realized he was the only one I wanted to spend that moment with.
We turned on the DVD player.

"Lionsgate." He murmered. "That's who puts out all the horror movies!" He says.
"Seriously?" I ask him. And I think, "It is me who will be cherishing this moment in 10 years. And me who will still be laying here in this house, afraid to move on.

I once had a conversation with Zach that was something to the extent of, when girls look in the mirror, they think, "Oh my gosh, look at that blemish, look at how tired I look before putting on mascara, So-n-So is going to think my hair looks greasy," and for boys, they wake up and look in the mirror and think, "Man, I look good today. Every babe is gonna want me."

And I forgot about it til I was looking in the mirror just now, replaying something I read from a plastic surgeon who said he could tell you what side you usually sleep on by how your face looks. All of the sudden (while remember what side I do sleep on) my face looked smashed in on one side. Completely unsymmetrical and gory. And then I took a deep breath.

I think you can see whatever you want to when you look in the mirror.

After working out, I usually swear I can see where inches are melting away. This is positive reinforcement. Its hard to remember, but when I'm looking at someone I love, I can't see anything wrong--a single hair out of place-- and I hope the same thing of those who love me.

I've been having a lot of nightmares. Usually one or two every night, and wake up with my heart racing.
But in general, I am very happy. I think this year will definitely be better than the last, and I am looking forward to winter.
I can't wait for snow and warm coffee, and freezing night with heavy covers, but most of all, I can't wait for fall fashion. Hoodies, jeans, gorgeous jackets, and boots. I think about it every time I put on a pair of shorts. I am counting down the days.

The only thing I know how to make sense of what just happened me at the library is this: A Chinese man thought I was his cousin? As I walked up the sidewalk, he kept staring back at me, and while this is rude, it is not unheard of. I even have "one of those faces" and figured that was it. Finally as we walk into the library and I remove my sunglasses, he takes a final glance, at me, and turns around smiling.
"You see, I though you were my aldskjfalskdjf," he says
"Your what?"
"My crasdfin." It sort of sounded like cousin, but I finally had to just nod and smile, because it is rude to not understand someone with an accent after they have repeated their sentence.
"Ahhhh," I said, wanting to return my books, thinking he'd walk away now that he explained why he was staring.
But he just kept talking. It took me probably half a paragraph to even understand any of the words he was saying, so I just kept nodding and smiling, thinking he'd walk away, because he was distractedly looking around the library. But no chance. Finally I understood a sentence.
"You are a student?" He asked.
"Yes, at the university."
"And how you study?"
"I study English."
"Ahhhhhhh." This was a huge joke to him. "You become teacher?"
"Oh maybe. Maybe not."
And this launched a discourse on the fall of America, and how while once the English language prevailed, it won't for very much longer. And he even threw in the Soviet Union at one point. After very little prompt from me (where I'm from, where I work) he went on and on about Starbucks and John Denver, and I tried to keep taking steps back from him, as he was being loud, and we were in a library. And finally, just as quickly as it started, he eventually just walked away from me, saying, "Have fun with English," and I yelled, "Have a nice day," while running away. I lost interest in scoping out new books over the fear of him trapping me for hours in conversation in what is supposed to be a very lonely building.

I feel that strangers who love to talk too much to strangers seek me out. This is just another fault of me smiling too much...

Quotes

"He just barely started doing that."
"Its cute but I don't know how you live with that."
-two housewives talking in the Target Grocery about a noise the kid in the cart was making

"Let's bake a moment together."
"I know, in our original U-boats."
-Me, reading a cake box, and Kelsea talking about those tubes that fishers sit in out in the lake

"Don Quixote wouldn't stand a chance against one of those."
-Paul Porter, observing the wind turbines of Wyoming (from Ashleigh)

"This is ruining my quality of life."
-Uncle Roger pointing to a television playing Judge Judy above his head, at the Dairy Queen

oh, hi
I went shopping at Target for a wedding gift today, and I ended up getting them a breadbox. I thought hey I could put some other cute stuff in there, and it will be easy to wrap. So I get to the check out and the girl is trying to scan it and she says, "What is this thing," and I said, oh it is a bread box. And then she said:
"What is a bread box?" WHAT? Is that really a thing that people don't have bread boxes at their house? Has she never played 20 questions? Bigger than a breadbox? A blond white girl who has never heard of a bread box?
"You don't have one of these at your house?" I asked.
"No," she said, and just kept smiling. "Where do you open it?"
I showed her. "See, and you put your loaf there, and some bagels over here in this part."
"I have never heard of this," she says.
"Your friends don't have one either?" I asked. She shook her head, still grinning at me like I must be making the whole thing up.
"Well, I guess you don't need one," I said, walking away because I was starting to hold up the line, "But they are convenient, sort of." I guess all they really do is keep your bread hidden.

Funny.

It is strange to think I have only been back for a week. A good week though. Last Sunday I went to see Brandi Carlile with the ladies, and that show was just as amazing as the Tegan and Sara concert. And similarly, also made me want to cut off my hair, get tattoos, and be a lesbian rock star.

I worked a million hours, watched the 1st season of Dead Like Me, starting working out again, and one of the nights Celisse and Ten and I had a girls night and watched
a) The Bounty Hunter and
b) The Departed

Which I think is pretty hilarious considering the first is a chick flick, and the second is a bloody mafia movie with too many f-words to count.

I am trying to figure out what comes next, and the answers don't come to me no matter how many times I clean my room and turn on the Scentsy and make a night cap. My pillow is breaking my neck while I sleep.

But in general, things are going to turn out just fine.

Originally uploaded by maneeacc

Everytime I sit down to try and write something about this last visit to the midwest, I just start weeping. So instead I will just say what I've been learning.

I am learning to suck the love out of everywhere. To say out loud, "I am so happy I could die." To be more alert. To realize the happiest moments in my life, and acknowledge them silently to myself, and appreciate my loved ones.
Salt Lake City may be one of the loneliest places in the world, but there is still a lot of love.

I'll give you anything, but I'll give you problems

I used to get really worried at the end of dentist visits because they always would tell you not to eat or drink for 30 minutes after the fluoride. I would think, "Now what am I going to do?" And suddenly get really thirsty because I couldn't have water.
Now I wake up everyday and take a pill and can't eat for 30 minutes, and my inner child is saying, "This just isn't working for me." But its either that or serious pain, which is I suppose the only reason people take pills. Besides Sudaphed, which is candy coated.

Where have I been.

I spent 2 weeks in a vacuum of love and sunshine and heartbreak in the midwest. There aren't words to say what I think there. Its something about how I would give anything to smell the scent of my grandfather's cellar, or walk in itchy cornfields every summer for my life. I end up spending every moment trying to suck all the joy out of it. To try to memorize it.

We chase what is left
of her alive
from room to room.
The scent, the handwriting, and her
reflections in the mirrors.

QUOTES

"It's like, you could be a bum, and as long as you had intuitiveness and some fish, you would be the richest person in the world." -Nick, on living in Hawaii
(Thanks Ashleigh)

"We could leave them a comment like, "I've notice our waiter's hair is getting longer."" -Bryan, on comments/concern cards at SLPP a long time ago

"Ha ok, awesome! You'll notice after talking to my mom for 2 minutes she will need to know every single detail. Who where why what for who's that what's that smell is that guy dead gifts money slayer how much reservations DNA left handed ice cream oil change soap cake naps directions time zone what's that smell again can I bring a blanket what color shoes ect..." -also Bryan, via Text the week before their wedding

"I'm really disappointed in Paige Davis lately, her hair keeps getting shorter and shorter." -Philip, absentmindedly after an RC Willey commercial

Philip and I both realized we have this LOVE moment with Kelsey G. of when we tell her stories. You can always expect this moment when her eyes turn very wide and her mouth opens crazy, and she starts laughing really hard. It is ALWAYS rewarding to tell her a good story. I save them up to tell her.
She sort of understands the person I am, when I am a lunatic burnout, and she does crazy things with me.
I will miss her.
There are certain selfish parts of me that hope that Phoenix, AZ is a horrible place, and that she moves back and wants to hang out with me when she is older.

I am a very selfish person.

"Kelsey, how did you get that hat to stay on your head?"
"That is exactly what I am wondering!"
-a brief encounter, 11 months ago

When we were younger, there was a good 6 to 8 months that we ate these soybean patties for many meals a week. I don't know why we had so many of them.
We were poor.
We tried to come up with new ways to use the patties. Cutting them up and tried to disguise them in other foods, to add protein and stuff.

It's not like we're rich these days. But there are a lot of things I'm realizing now that I wish I could have told 14, 15, 16, 17 year old Rachel were going to happen, and the lessons I would learn. But I don't think it would have been worth it, if I didn't learn them for myself. What I'm saying is, I couldn't have foreseen the trips to California, and Mexico. The rich people I've spent time with, the sushi and cocktails, the dresses I've worn, the handsome men who've tried to convince me of...anything they wanted to convince me of. A lot of worthless worldly things, that are still good for experience-sake, but looked more glamorous during adolescence.

I wish I could tell my 21 year old self the values I will know by 25. But I think that is why I have awesome friends with good advice.

"Nick, what put that into your brain to put basil leaves in your beer?"
"I don't know."
"Did it fall into your beer?"
"Hey peanut butter wasn't invented on purpose."
-Stesha and Nick

"I'll try to be more romantic
I want to believe in everything you believe.
I was less than amazing,
Do not know what all the troubles are for.
Fall asleep in your branches:
You're the only thing I ever want anymore"
-Conversation 16, The National

High Violet reminds me so much of the old way I loved the National, and the way they use the choir in this song kills me. The choir always kills me.
"The Wanting Comes in Waves/Repaid" by The Decemberists
and "Downfall" by Matchbox 20. When I think of choirs of angels, I try to think more of these songs and spending eternity in that part of the song where the choir comes in and gives you chills.
I spent a lot of nights, weeping, on my way home from the comfortable arms of loved ones. Arms as in, sitting next to them and listening to the soft tone of their voices for hours, hearing what they're dreaming about. What I mean is weeping to Matt Berninger's voice, which I could never get tired of. To also screaming "Mr. November" from Alligator. Spent a lot of dark hours driving I-80 across the country under very few street lamps thinking about who I'll finally meet when I turn 29.

Tonight there was a man walking down my street, and I realized, tonight it is my turn not to be the pitied one, not to be the tragic one left to his thoughts and walking down a road. Some nights are not so hard, but the choir still haunts you anyway because you are hoping about heaven. You love all the bad men who have scarred you, because skin heals pretty decently and is a learning process; your biography. You love all the people who took you for granted. You even crack open a beer and toast to them, because we've all got a tragic flaw.

These Days

Well, I spent Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday basically in bed from allergies killing me. Besides that I went to work every time that I was supposed to, and church. And I moved to the couch one time to watch the LOST finale, which, hello. Super sad. But it's not like I didn't cry a lot through Alias.

I made some amazing waffles last night. They're called Liege waffles.

And man are they delicious. Celisse got me the pearl sugar to make them. They are a gut bomb, but worth it.

So in conclusion, every thing is pretty alright. The show will go on.

Thank you to the following sponsors:
NBC, Benedryl, NPR, Butter, Jo Malone Cologne, Netflix, Prevacid, Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers, and last but not least: Vitamin Water (Connect; cherry lime w/ caffeine) you are so good, it is my fault I overdosed.

"Oh my gosh!"
"What?"
"Oh...well you didn't watch American Idol last year."
"Oh yeah. That one girl's dead, huh?"
"WHAT?!"
"You know, Japanese...what...nevermind."
-Izzy, on a usual basis

There are people that are involved in my daily life, that I don't even ever really talk about. I am there for them everyday and I want to start profiling them so that I remember them when I leave Starbucks and never come back.

Handsome and Sweetie
He comes in and pays for her drink every morning before she wakes up. He works in construction, and is fun to joke around with. He drinks coffee even though he is LDS, which is something I like to see in a person.

Grumpy Old Guy
I don't know his name because he always pays very quickly, with cash, and always tips us almost as much as his drink costs. He is very pessimistic and grumpy which I really appreciate when it's early morning. He likes us, he likes talking to us, but always acts like he doesn't. I love him. I want him to be a third grandpa. I would sit around and smoke with him, even though he probably doesn't do that, and neither do I.

Chocolate Shavings Lady
Likes sprinkles on top of her mocha, even though they don't make a difference in the taste, and claims that she needs the coffee and chocolate because of medicine that she is on. Usually comes through 3 times during my shift, for a total of close to 1200 calories, probably, but never seems to put on weight. I think some people live off of Starbucks nutritionally.

Brian and Indy
Literally my favorite. Brian comes in with his dog Indy through the drive thru (also probably 3 times a day) and we probably are technically his third home. He's unmarried and has no kids, and we are always as happy to see him as he is to see us. He is always happy, and Indy always tries to jump through the window.

Okay. Now I need to go to bed.

You got tired, working on too many lives at once.
Working long days and longer nights on bad dreams.
You got to hold yourself together all the hours.
You got to admit that God this is it.
That you got to take a knee. Take a few hard hits where you aren't expecting it.
Shoulder, gut, hip, temple.
Put off the Tylenol til the last minute you can stand it.
Stop choking on hard everything.
Smoke.
Glamour.
Sir Jack Daniel.

Lay down the guns and know, God you said this would be hard.
And God, I will fight a good fight.

I will fight the good fight.