With my hands in my pockets, I told Sarah.
"Yeah. That's just me, and I can't change." But I knew I could change.
But she didn't need to know that. I realized I could say anything I wanted to her, cuz she doesn't really know me. Now that the other Sara is gone, I really have no reason not to be a very private person. Or a liar.
I just didn't give a damn, this morning. Staring out the drive through. No one comes to the bank on a holiday unless they don't remember its a holiday. Columbus day isn't a real holiday. I mean, come on.
"Well, that's really sad." And she went on to say something about herself, and I zoned out and made the appropriate noises in the appropriate places like I usually do.
"So is that how you were raised?" She finally asked me. She's a psychology major. I closed my eyes and wished I'd had at least nine cups of coffee at 7 a.m. I check my phone before I answer her.
I am an asshole.
"Um, actually I was raised to believe I should buck up. I was raised to believe that life is hard and you should get used to it. But I was raised to believe I was better than everyone else." I watched her eyes go very wide and her eyebrows lifted. She squinted.
"Hmmm." I could see her wheels turning. She's one of those people who stands up for poor people and black people and people who have open minds. It's not like I'm not. But sometimes she can almost come across as fake about it. I like to push her buttons. "In fact," I said, "I have a really hard time liking people who are different from me."
I said the word different like it was poisonous. Just to freak her out.
"Oh....really?" She breathed slowly.
"Yep. It's really hard." But just like that the fun was over when she started talking.
"Mhhhmmm," I quietly said to whatever she told me after that.
Making appropriate noises in the appropriate places.
I looked at the computer screen. Put my money in clips. My Russian boss at lunch. Grumpy with me. The words on the computer screen say my name in all caps lock. It unnerves me. Seeing the A in Rachel in caps. It creeps me.
You'd think this life would make me bolder, but I'm running scared is all.