"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think they will sing to me."
(T. S. Eliot)

My mind is muggy like the humidity that suffocates you during an Iowa summer, so much so that I couldn't pull my pants down because they were sticking to my legs. But in those days, maybe I shouldn't have been wearing those shorts. Shouldn't have been looking out the window when I was going to the bathroom.
I was saying, my mind is cloudy. The thoughts go in winding roads and I want to complain a lot but I just turn it all off. I turn off the brain.
I'm supposed to be writing a paper. Of course, I'm writing a blog, and I still don't know what I'm saying.

Often when I am sitting in the drive-through, I live out an entire year of my life. I pick one man that I wonder what it would be like to have a relationship with. In my head, I play out the first few months. Then I go to the part where he stops paying for dinner, where he doesn't love Jesus. Where I've been staying out too late and there is nothing fruitful I have to show for the last six months of my life. In my head, we break up, and just like that the relationship is over. It has saved me much grief. Men I didn't really love. Men who were too boring. Men who smelled good but weren't very funny.

I am tired.
I want to quit school. I want to buy a motorcycle. I want backpack across Brazil with Alison.
But I don't have any guts.
I just have coffee and aspirin and my commute to look forward to. Day after day...

"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."