I guess I haven't written in a real long time.

I'm still alive.

I'm somewhere east of the Mississippi. (Where the SAT's are important I suppose)

I made a shirt. I tried out DDR. I didn't do drugs. I can't really check my email. It doesn't work. I guess I just baked about 6 loaves of bread. And I drove about 1000 miles.

This feels sort of like running away.

Well, today I perfected my really bored face. I stood out on the lawn, trying to prepare myself to hang laundry for probably the 23rd time since vacation started, and I just knew that I had established the glazed "I'm not really alive" face. I stood there. Devoid of motion, and I knew that I was suddenly an expert at being bored.
Then I started monologuing. "Get a hold of yourself Rachel! Do you know how pathetic you are?" and so I accomplished three things today,
-I found my library card and
-I went to the library and
-I primed a board that I will paint a picture on tomorrow. (assuming I finish my first one)
*oh, and I finished the day without taking one single nap
p.s. I'm wearing a workout headband
p.s. I think it's hard to go jogging in the morning if you are addicted to the late show and watch it everynight.
p.s. I'm not addicted to the late show. the last time I watched it was last summer when Lettermen had the Strokes play. I watched the whole episode just to see those darling Italian boys. (but I am addicted to SNL, which makes it just as hard to go jogging Sunday morning but I don't do that anyway)

"I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?"
-Hamlet

One time, I asked Jordan what color his jeep was going to be and he said
"Well it wants to be gray."
Now I'm thinking about my internet connection
"It wants to be on"
but maybe I'm giving it more merit than it deserves.

YOU KNOW WHAT! I DON'T CARE IF ANYBODY'S LISTENING ANYMORE. I'M GOING STIR CRAZY AND IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME OUT OF THE ARMY UNLESS I'M CRAZY, BUT IF I'M CRAZY THEN HOW ARE THEY GOING TO KNOW? ALL THEY THINK ABOUT IS THEIR CRACK HABITS.

I feel like
writing a story, but they all end up so tragic and desperate and sad

I feel like
singing but I can't remember all of the words

I feel like walking up to Rob Thomas and asking
just what is he thinking

I feel like
having some one look at me for three seconds
instead of two
(cuz that's when they look away)

I feel like
disappearing into a white puff of smoke that would land
on that boy's shoe (the one he scuffed on the door jam
as he walked in) and I would just keep floating until I
was mostly oxygen, only to be breathed in and breathed
back out.

Everything is over, and it's so WEIRD.

I turn off the radio when they play those songs about being alone. Except if it's Spoon. Then I just dance.

"I feel so alive yet I feel so alone."

So I was throwing back bottle after bottle of water. I met Steele's brother again, and now I sort of know what Steele would look like if he had short hair and glasses. And I was in the swimming pool at the party, and I was the only one there my age, which is awkward most of the time, but I sort of know what it's like to LOVE people. Because I loved them, and I didn't see their faults, and I didn't see the tattoes and the cigarettes and the alcohol, because we were just laughing and loving each other. (besides, I don't really think there is anything wrong with those three things)

Oh yeah. I LOVE JESUS.

should we
ever recover
this whole thing will look so funny
all the things
we think we need to chill about
are really not that
BIG
but we drink coffee to make them go away
we shout at Jace through the window
and we hide from the authorities
(when we don't have our licenses on hand)

I don't know if I'm really living in this body
is this my brain?
she says to me, that everything is crashing down around us
but I don't know, really.

I don't know if that boy just said
what I think he just said
I don't know what I'll do

Is this it?
or do we brush things off and take a new page...
I'd be willing to hide my head in the sand
even while they call my name
because I don't know what I'll do. (for a while)

so I'll sit (for a while) and wonder
and I'll know, (in a minute)
what to do. but it's so hard (for a minute).
just to sit here.

Jesus and so much rock and roll

Today I bought three pairs of shoes in 15 minutes. For fifteen minutes I was like some real girl who carries a purse and has a boyfriend and cheats on her boyfriend and texts people she really doesn't care about. ONLY, I don't date, I was wearing a tie dye shirt, had smart glasses on, and I didn't really have a purse. Some strange moments.

I also have nice sunglasses, but you can't really wear them in the dark unless you're Ray Charles and I'm not.

But, it's been the best weekend ever, and I don't know how it could get any better unless I could win the lottery and give it all to my favorite church, but I don't have a ticket. ( I might keep some money to go to Westminster and buy my parents a house with some land )

Also, I can't believe school's almost over and that I'm happy about it. I can't believe rock and roll in a parking lot with people I love. It's been fantastic and I know that everything is just barely starting and it freaks me out because it's so amazing...